Tell me am I bi, or is it a phase just passing by?

[Silky_Thighs]

So, thanks to my boyfriend having every once in a while brought up threesome fantasies of his for the past year and a half, I started to get curious about how it might be like with another girl. Eventually this idea got more serious and I aquired the big bright label of Bi-curious, and worked up the nerve to make a personal ad. But I can't stop wondering: am I bi-sexual?

Unfortunately I still have little experience to draw from. I know in some respects it doesn't matter, and I understand that the line from straight to gay is more of a continum than a black and white label, but it's still weird and confusing for someone who has considered themselves straight all their life, and doesn't see that as actually being the WRONG label. I guess I've always thought that because (in my opinion) our souls are genderless and we just get stuck into these bodies, that we are really all bi-sexual, because it's more the connection with other people's souls that matter. Thus I have never understood adamantly straight or adamantly gay people who for the life of them could never be attracted to both genders.

But I've been told by several bi/gay people they always knew they were bisexual/gay because they had been attracted to both sexes as a child (or insert applicable sex here for the gay ones). Well, I think this is a pretty good way to know, cause you're less full of biases as a child. I've had crushes ever since kindergarden, and they've always been boys, even though my family and upbringing is liberal-minded. I really like guys.

I have felt sexual thoughts about good looking women, but interestingly, almost from an alter-ego male perspective, for instance where I wanted to bend her over and fuck her, as if I had a penis, and other sorts of many agressive fucking things involving penises and strong upper bodies (though chest hair didn't quite figure in ). In my usual straight relationships, I more enjoy being submissive. I fell in love with a woman once (and her with me), with her soul, and had these kinds of male sexual feelings (she was very feminine and submissive, so I guess the opposite would be out of the question), but since we were both "straight", and couldn't envision having a fulfilling permanent relationship without a guy involved, it was never pursued at all, though I guess if it were happening now, I might try. I suspect maybe I could have a permanent relationship with just a woman, though I'm not sure. Interestingly when I contacted a girl who responded to my ad, my sexual feelings for her became strong and not from any alter-ego, what happened in my head was all girl-on-girl big gay love action (and now I have the raunchiest most vivid gay fantasies involving her, making it even more frustrating!). I don't feel this way about anyone else, but maybe it was because we approached it as a girl-girl thing from the outset?. I'm so confused!

Someone recently told me, "why be bicurious when you could so easily find out if you are or not?" But alas it doesn't seem like I'll have that opportunity any time soon. I have been told not to look to other people to resolve personal issues, but it's hard to judge attraction without someone to be attracted to, and it's hard to judge how serious it is, without some interaction with the person. I mean, since "curiosity" is in the definition, how can you tell if it's more than that, if you haven satisfied it? How can it become part of your "sexuality" if you haven't tested it out? And I want to know!

Maybe the question for me is if I want to be with that one person only (female), for the rest of my life. If I could say yes to this question, I would consider myself truly bi. I don't know if I could go that far with a girl. Are penises and all manner of yummy masculinity that important? Maybe that's something I can find out with experience. But maybe you can be bi without things being that serious.

It's very interesting to start to view yourself in a new light. The other day, a thought popped into my head, that I could define myself as a lesbian if I wanted. Obviously I'm not one, but I started imagining that this girl (me) walking up the stairs, with all the other labels and ideas she had about herself, identified herself as a lesbian, and I imagined how that identity would feel, how it would be to live with my female partner, to sleep with her at night, what it would be like to feel my hand around her waist (girls feel so different and nice!). It was exhilarating, and liberating, to know that I could be anything I wanted to be, and so different from how I've seen myself up till now (not to say being a lesbian is a choice, and acuracy isn't important...but I'm sure you all get that ). I imagine some trans people or drag queens might have those kinds of feelings. And so I did the same thing imagining I was bi-sexual (slightly more confusing, cause now the question of accurracy came in). It was a kinda nice feeling, I can date anyone if I want! I could get used to it.

But these labels don't mean much. You unconciously limit yourself, by your own labelling and self-conception, and then, if you take on a new one, when you get used to yourself you feel expansion into that. But what you call yourself doesn't matter until you've figured out how you really feel, what it means to be you, to the point where you can articulate it. The label is just a shorthand of the articulation, and thus, never accurate. But it's use I think, in the beginning stages, can be to push your perception of yourself and try on a stranger, unaccustomed role.

Then the label becomes helpful to solidify who you think you are. There are good points to this new set of stable self-perceptions - during times of turmoil it can help you remain centred, and can help you make choices. (But it can also limit you and make you not as open-minded). I am bisexual, therefore, I am going to approach this nice girl as a potential mate, (a completely new way of thinking for me). I approach girls always as friends. Actually, same with guys, and so naturally I never dated much! *L*

With both sexes, I've regarded the ones that caught my eye aesthetically, primarily, which is not surprising since I'm an artist. For guys, I think it was because flirrting has never come to me naturally, and because of my lack of self-confidence in the "I'm such a hot little number, anyone that sees me will want to have me, I know cause it's always been like that in the past" realm. And for girls, well, I figured I was mostly straight. Then for both sexes, if I let my mind wander to more sexual thoughts, they were there aplenty, but I had to allow myself to go there, which I did only in passing, maybe to protect myself from potential rejection, or because I like to think of people as people first...or both. For me to see them at first as a potential mate always required something extraodinary, something very sexual about their personality yet subtle (cause I'm not into flash or promiscuty)...a sexual growl in their voice, a sensual, sexual way of moving, a glint in their eyes when they were talking about something they were passionate about, a very sublty sexy choice of clothing that also showed uniqueness and creativity. Or else freedom to just fantasize about them cause they're not real anyways, for instance celebrities (though I'm really not into celebrities). Which is maybe why I was so attracted to the girl who answered my ad, cause it started as a dating thing right off the bat, thanks to the glory of the internet. Of I had met her in real life, probably it wouldn't have been quite like that. when I draw nudes, I find beauty even in the more unnattractive ones, aesthetically, but it frequently becomes boarderline sexual...not the person as a whole, unless sometimes they have that aura about them, but about a certain sesual line on their bodies...such small minute physical things about them. The girl that answered my ad, besides her figure in general and more sexualized attributes, the light freckles on her cheeks drove me wild.

Ok...on a tangent here, but I found it quite interesting, and so must you, I command!

Labels also make a great shorthand to express who you are to people and yourself.. What do I tell my good friends, if they asked? I have no clue. I WANT them to know, to share myself, but I have to know it for myself firsthand. So I can't say all sure and proud "I'm Bisexual! And by the way, do you know anyone?" No I'm like, "well I think I might be bisexual with certain people but I'm not sure, I mean, sometimes that wrought iron lamp looks pretty sexy. But then I don't want to bury my face into it's crevices. *stridently* Shut up, I don't fit into molds, I am a rebel! Ok fine, you know I'm not. I'm so confused!" And that just sucks. I don't want to be wishy washy about my heart, my identity, my mate. Fickel people piss me off! And so of course not being able to figure it out myself is distressing. And if you haven't noticed, I have a hard time blanketly accepting situations which are neither here nor there, I need to analyse and completely understand everything! I need to know it all! So frustrating!

Lastly, by acknowleging a label, you get to be a part of the encompassing social circle, which if they're not closed-minded elitists themselves, can be a pretty fun and broadning experience. Thinking I'm bisexual and dating a girl who knew about the gay sub-culture, which was virgin territory for me, had led me to wonder about going to gay bars (well, i always did, but now with no shame, and nothing to prove to people who wouldn't respect regular curiosity, and now my thoughts involved kissing and grinding in them with another girl, as opposed to my male gay friends). There are two events in my city, the Homohop (gay party dance extraveganza for students and young people), and the Black and Blue ball (a formal S&M shindig, but if you're any kind of traditional "sexual devient" your fairly welcome, I gather) that I have for the first time this year considered going to. Not that this kind of stuff is that important, I could be gay, quiet and not celebrate but still be completely happy and open and have a great gay life. But my interest in it is, besides just curiosity over the sights and experiences, is to meet likeminded people to make friends or talk or even date, and to understand myself better by seeing myself reflected in that diversity, and to be able to let go about my identity and not think about it, have it just presumed. I imagine that would be liberating. And insightful. And fun.

"When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."
- Alice Through the Looking Glass

I subscribe to this way of thinking. But what you say means nothing if you don't know what to say. And if you don't know what to say, you can't have one of those nifty, helpful double edged labels.

So that's my 92 cents.

 

[Mari J]

Well, I think you've captured some dilemmas about labels pretty well. You don't reach any strict conclusions, and rightly so. Anyway, since I'm bi, I assume everyone else is until I'm told otherwise. So hey--you're bi. Live it up.

 

[dizzylia]

Well, I think you've captured some dilemmas about labels pretty well. You don't reach any strict conclusions, and rightly so. Anyway, since I'm bi, I assume everyone else is until I'm told otherwise. So hey--you're bi. Live it up.

Or bi until proven otherwise?

- dizzy

 

[Xtinas_Girlfriend]

I understand what you're going through silky. I have been having strong feelings for girls, but I definitely used to think I was very straight. I don't want to say I was homophobic before, definitely not towards guys anyway, but maybe a little towards girls who I knew weren't straight. I would still be their friends but I felt a little awkward if they would make a joke hitting on me or something. But I have heard that most homophobic people have some attraction to their same sex, and now I kind of believe that. I don't know if I'm actually bi or not, labels can get really tricky. But I do remember having crushes on a girl in kindergarten and another in 2nd grade. Once I found out what "gay" was I realized it was "wrong," so I never liked a girl again...until about two years ago. There was a girl in high school who I really felt like I wanted to kiss, but I ignored it just as - I really looked up to her and wanted to be like her. But now I know I can't deny that I had a crush on her. Now I still like guys and girls, but guys can't catch my eye the way girls do. If I see a guy I think is cute I might think "wow, he's cute." But that's it. But with a girl, my thought process stops at "wow." And it takes nothing for them to turn me on. If a girl I'm attracted to touches me, I get nervous and flustered and whatever. And I want to kiss her, and hold her and feel how soft her skin is. But with a guy, I have to have gotten to know him and have started liking him for me to feel anything close to that.

I don't know what to call this? It's kind of scary though. I tried to do the online thing too, and I finally got to talk to the one girl I really wanted to talk to and it turned out she had a boyfriend and just wanted a physical relationship with a girl. That's another big problem for me, trying to find a monogamous bi-girl because I don't just want sex. I don't know if you can relate to any of this, but I feel kind of like I'm going through a similar thing you are, with the questioning of self. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[harry johnson]

i think....

that you express yourself very well. i hope that you continue to post as you explore what turns you on (or not). moreover, i wish you the very best. you seem like a very cool chick and i would fancy chatting with you some time....au revoir..

 

[Tymeless]

as someone getting ready to transition from male to female i'm dealing with issues along those lines myself keep posting and maybe we can all help eachother.

 

[kbate]

Some of my rambling thoughts on a subject I probably should avoid:

The sex act itself has little to do with anything, I am gay. 100% gay, yet I have had sex with more men than women in my life; primarily because I spend months or years with each woman and rarely spent more than 15 minutes with a male. Being able to perform the sex act with the either a male or female in no way changes your preference.

If I were to take a label it would be Lesbian, but with the ability to take pleasure from a male. I seem to be unable to form intimate relationships with men, even to the point of turning my head when one tries to kiss me. Make love to me, ok but just don't kiss me or try to make it intimate.

Now that my S/O and I are together, sex with men is a thing of the past and I really haven't missed it at all. She fulfils me in every way. Thus we happily accept the 'lesbian' label.

Bi-curious people have always been the most frustrating group of people to talk to. I have met many women who want 'same sex' experiences and most are disappointed to find that I am not interested in helping them. I have never been the 'first' for a bi-curious woman, I do not wish to be their plaything or to spend my time and intimacy on someone who will likely not return.

Silky_Thighs, I truly enjoyed your post, the confusion and torment of the bi-curious was so well done. I can only advise, as you know, to lose the labels and just be true to yourself. If something feels right for you in sex and love, it probably is; if something feels wrong for you, then it definitely is wrong.

I do not believe anyone will ever truly define a formula for the bi-curious and bi-sexual to understand their life choices, each individual will find their own zone of comfort. Those who do not will lay awake nights wondering every time if they are doing the right thing.

Anyway, those are some thoughts in my head, not necessarily the ones I will hold as truths tomorrow.

 

[24bigirly]

Silky......excellent post. I think you captured a lot of feelings that many of us have. I know I was/am torn. I have gotten to the point where I call myself bi because I know that is something I want on an intimate and sexual level. The assurance I have has led me to adopt this label. Have I solidified my "bi" urges.....unfortunately no. I am taking new steps in life so that I can hopefully fufill this aspect of my life.............curiousity killed the kitty right!

Anyway, I love this post and I love hearing how other women feel mentally about bisexuality. I especially like the point of souls liking other souls and a world of bisexuals, maybe not admittedly, is the result. Very good point!

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Where coffee and early morning darkness coalesce

I'm trying to shift back into a regular sleep shedual, and so have elected for a course of fun, hallucinations and black coffee. Ie, to stay up all night and the following day. So my exhausted brain is really not functioning well enough to post this, but then, my jugement's conveniently impaired as well.

First of all, I'm glad my novel has been well recived by the public. Official publishing date to be annouced, after I hire an unforgiving editor. But thanks harry...

Dirty harry, methinks you're looking for some dirty stories, you ol fox. I am thinking of actually submitting some writing of the less agonised kind, because my unfulfilled thoughts are driving me batty! Seems an appropriate solution, we all come for the stories even though we stay for the problems

Kbate, it seems to me that for you, not being able to be emotionally intimate with a guy (I don't mean in a fall-in-love-sexual context, but to feel touched) is more of a personal issue than one of sexual orientation... clearly there are gay people who are not like that. I don't think, even the straightest of the straight, if they were going to sleep with someone of the same sex just as an opportunity to get off, wouldn't acknowlege them as people with souls too (and kiss them), unless they had major hangups...I think the same of straight people who sleep with the opposite gender in the same way, a la Alfie. I don't mean to be presumptuous, cause of course I don't know what you mean exactly, it just seems kinda sad. I don't expect you to miss something like that, but my philosophy is to totally immerse yourself into the moment, if you're gonna do something, and if you don't, in my opinion it's either because you don't want to be doing it, or else, can't devote the energy to do it right, and in either case, it does not enrich your life. But you're happy now, and that's what matters. Yay for you!

You brought up the issue of fulfilment. Obviously you're lesbian, personally. But just because one finds fulfilment in a f-f relationship, it doesn't mean they're lesbian. I think it's the lack of fulfillment with men that makes them lesbian. I'm stating the obvious here because so many people seem to think if you're bisexual, you can't find complete fulfilment in just one relationship, you gotta have one of both going on, or forever switch from one to the other, to keep you satisfied. While this must be the case for a segement of bi's I doubt it's so for the majority. Love is love, as anyone in this section of literotica should know, and if one is monogomous it's by nature (or necessity), not orientation. My rant.

In my limited experience, the reactions I've seen in posts by other bi people, and some of my own seem to show a definate propensity for gay people (well, lesbians, really, maybe cause I'm female, and have not been reading much about guy's experience) to have a certain antagonistic attide towards bi people, as if they're not the real deal. Heads up, ellitism really sucks.

Being bi is as much a difficult, socially provoking, unrepesented and valid thing as being gay, if anything it can be more so, and there is no excuse for self-righteousness.

People who are gay, I imagine, would know alot sooner that they weren't what other people assumed them to be at first contact. They would know that "straight" is wrong for them. Having to face the crap they do when they start to express that is a shitty reality. But should a bi person be in a relationship with the same gender, they have to suffer an equal amount of dissaproving stares, harrassment and have to come out. In addition, when they come out, many people think it's just a phase you're dabbling in, like some thing everyone does in college, and don't respect it as a lifestyle. And they assume that because you like both genders, you're mallable and not as stable and likely to stay with your partner - much like you assumed, in saying that the bicurious people are not likely to be a worthwile investment of energy. They try to convince you you're not really who you are, because they figure you're half-way normal already. While some gay people might feel that bisexuals don't have to go through the experience of being a social outcast in many circles because they can "hide" their identity by being in straight relationships, while gay people if they want to have a relationship, have to go all out, those that ARE "hiding" are pretty much by definition as unhappy as gays in the closet. I mean, is being with someone by necessity instead of entirely by choice ever an optimal thing? When bi's come out, they've usually been in the closet longer, and while that can be a benifit (coming out in highschool can be a pretty rough experience), it can also be a drawback, because they've been used to thinking of themselves a certain way and become more rigid in their thinking and thus confused when it happens, and people who have known them all their "previous" life might not entirely take them seriously. Or be less likely to understand, because things that tend to be in the gray area are harder to grasp and accept. "But you've always dated guys, and you seemed happy?" And when bi people realise they might be bi, they go through all that agonising stuff I wrote about, all the self doubt, because they usually have been straight up to that point, and liked it.

Being bi, like being a transexual, is as much of a socially provoking concept as being completely gay. Because you ARE in the middle. Thus many bi people are less likely to be, shall we say, militant than many pioniring gays were. We all know about the angry punk vegan lesbian anarchist cliche (and I've met these girls, and they're just as judgemental as any fundamentalist), and as obnoxious as they are, those like them have provided a very societal role, in shocking, pioneering and ultimately opening society. Gay pride organisations are loud and strong (or at least make big-ass floats and while bi's are part of this, that's not what you think of when you see the men with oiled chests gyrating provocatively amongst one another). And maybe this is why there are even less bi's represented in the media on T.V. and in film than gays (are there any? I know there's certainly no "Bi As Lateral" show on HBO), ultimately robing tender young question things like myself of valuable role models, etc (You've heard it all before, my point is, it's like a section of society that only exists on Girls gone Wild videos.)

I would suggest that the reason why so many bi-curious people end up just messing around and then getting back to their own life, and givin' everyone a bad name is the same reason why anyone who is curious about doing something for the first time ends up deciding it's not for them. There are people who dabble with BDSM, they just don't have a sub-classification. I guess it was necessary to have one in our case because any kind of homosexuality has traditionally been such a big deal, people want to have the outlet "I'm just curious, I'm not a homo!" or something. And of course, it's very sexualised, in porn and in many (often men's) fantasies, so it's kind of the cool thing to do, and I agree that it's sad to reduce it to that, but then, there's nothing wrong with having fun, and not necessarily being serious about something. Are you going to be derisive toward flirts? but I can understand not wanting to expend energy on something that has a high probability of not lasting. Only, nothing is guaranteed, and I'm sure many once bicurious people are now in permanent same-sex relationships.

I think there are as many straight people looking for casual sexual encounters as there are bicurious ones looking for a plaything, and saying that you're curious doesn't directly translate into not taking your relationship seriously. My foray into this stemed from talk about a threesome for which I had less desire (limited given the jealous/possesive streak that I'm shackled to, and my concern about it's ethical implications and effects) than to make love to a woman. Had it been more successful, I think the possibily of my female partner and I engaging in a threesome would by my own limitation been secondary and long in coming, as my relationship with her was my primary interest. While I started out not knowing what the hell I wanted, it's my nature to not be into casual things, and fall to fall hard, and that ultimately dictated how I behaved within the relationship, and I imagine people's nature is mostly what dictates their behaviour, even in untried things. There are just less people interested in long-term relationships looking for them on literotica et al, than ther are people interested in casual sex (and it is afterall primarily a sex site, not a relationship site), and I understand that, cause it can be hard to find the right person through such a medium, and anyways, many people who are serious about it join organisation in their community, or payed personal sites to help find the right person (hey not everyone's broke like me!). I was surprised to find out so quickly (on my first date) that what I really wanted with a girl was an actual relationship (not necessarily forever, but emotion had to be part of it) when I started out not knowing a thing, but I guess I should have known that my desires would be what they always are. (I keep having to remind myself at every step that a f-f relationship is the same as my regular kind - and I thought I knew this and wasn't prejudiced, but it's hard to shed your preconceived notions of something you've never done that on the outside seems so different.) For me what was really odd was that it started kind of backwards, based first on gender, and personality second (it just so happened, I liked the personality), and that felt shallow, but perhaps that has to do with the artificial computer medium. And that medium is hard to do without, since it's so hard to tell if the average girl on the street is gay/bi or not, nevermind if she liked you. Having this relationship in conjunction with my the one I currently have with my yummy hairy-chested boyfriend was the biggest drawback for me, because it was the least natural, and it does inply some superficiality. It is still a concern of mine - though I have to admit, no one spontaneously combusted, and what I did experience was alot more innocent, pure, open, honest, and joyful than I ever thought possible for me under those circumstances. I still don't like it though, and still believe that it would ultimately have undesirable concequences...but I'm so damn curious about it now! (and horny for pussy, yes, but it's the former that I can't seem to supress). And I'm not going to dump my boyfriend to sow my wild oats, I mean, that's better than cheating, but he's fine with it...I just don't know if I am, and if not, then, I'll wait, and maybe never know. That's a dilema.

I feel I can very much relate to your situation, X_G (gee doesn't that sound personal? I can't decide it calling you _'s girlfriend is less personal, or not, but X_G is shorter...when you don't end up making long comments in paraentheses). I've never had the homophobic issues but, perhaps for the reasons I brought up, I agree that it's hard to find a monogamous bisexual female on the internet, maybe in real life too. I think at this point I can safely say that i wouldn't want to date a lesbian, partially because of that ellitism I alluded to (and lesbians don't seem to be intersted in bi-girls, I guess we're either not serious enough, or not cool enough, or maybe they just don't understand and think we're not admitting our true lesbian natures? though I kinda doubt that). But I think I'd prefer to be with someone who can relate to my desire for red-blooded man-flesh. Exagerated objectification aside, how can my partner understand me if they don't share similar very basic feelings, and how can I talk with her about what I feel if she's not interested? I suppose it's not really necessary, anymore than having similar basic values in general are, because as long as you're willing to listen and respect the other person, and try and learn how they see things, it can be worked out (and I assume, if you're happily in a relationship, it would come up as less of an issue than values, which always come up in any relationship would), it just makes things easier, smoothes them out. I have a preference for someone who can personally relate to my sexual identity and stories and feelings. What do you guys think about this?

I can also relate to your emotional reactions to women. I wonder if it's not the novelty factor, since we both have had far less (and not enough) girl-girl action than guy-girl interaction. I clearly remember feeling just that way with my first boyfriend, and staring at him sometimes, noticing small things, like the size differences of our faces of all things, the squareness of his jaw, the stubble around his beard, the beard itself, the broadness of his shoulders (and noticing other manly things with equal facination and tactile desires, hehe...I mean, when I first saw it, I couldn't help but touch it, and want to put it in my mouth...like going back to when you're a toddler and need to explore things in those ways in order to get to know them - my first feelings were of wonder and awe and wanting to understand and know, rather than explicitly sexual). I would see these (back to the P.C) things, and marvel at how wonderous they were, and how totally strange and different from me (I grew up without any men around, so I had never really been in that close contact with one), and this would illicit an intense emotional response. I could feel hormones telling me how drawn I was to it, how I wanted to kiss him, I would see this stuff and feel all excited and charged and happy and incredulous, and I'd be rivited to his face. I still feel that way sometimes, about my current love, but it's not as present. Actually, it's alot like how I feel when I look at a beautiful face laying right in front of me, and study it (without the feeling of strangeness and difference). I'm facinated. My feelings about my first female date was like alot like all this. Physically we actually resembled one another more than was statistically expected, and I have all the same parts. But now after being with guys, it was a new feeling, that of acute awareness. I was so aware of her physicality. And it was different than what I was used to, which probably hightened my awareness, because everytime I touched her, I was surprised and to an extent awed, like touching another human being for the first time. The way her waist felt in my hands, so narrow...how her hips widened below, and her butt flared out (not big, womanly, you know, hour-glass and all) instead of being all round and compact...the breathtaking curve of her thighs...the beautiful folds in her jeans between her legs...the narrowness of her shoulders...the way her breasts cushioned our touch when we hugged...her silky hair...the warmth of her hand and delicious softness of her skin...It was wow...I was acutely aware of all of these things in a hypersensitised state, and in awe of them...and they felt so exquitely good to the touch, I couldn't believe it. And I wanted to kiss her, and just touch her and hold her, and I wanted to have her so badly, with a voraciousness I hadn't ever felt, and I too got butterflies. But is it just because she's a woman? Or is it because the unfamiliarity experiencing that for the first time forced me to be in full awareness, of the amazingness she posessed, that everyone posesses if you bother to notice? Cause I seem to recall feeling similarly before with my first guy.

And so I raise the ante up to 1 dollar, 92 cents.
Ugh, I'm so tired, I feel gross.

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Ooo bigirly, I hope it'll be "La petite morte" for the little pussy.

I dunno. Maybe I should just say I prefer guys but I also like girls to a lesser extent (which might not be true, I might like them more and feel motivated to brush up on the ancient Greek for the move to lesbos) ? After all that writing, I'm starting not to care what I tell people.

The GLBT forums do seem to be dominated by guys, don't they?

Thanks for the compliments.

 

[harry johnson]

hello again silky....

sometimes staying up all night has a way of bringing lucidness and clarity into your way of thinking. i call it sleep fasting. one must be careful tho because your body is like a battery and it will need to recharge............keep writing, i really enjoy your style and i find you to be incredibly frank and open......au revoir darling..

 

[kbate]

--//snip//-- it seems to me that for you, not being able to be emotionally intimate with a guy (I don't mean in a fall-in-love-sexual context, but to feel touched) is more of a personal issue than one of sexual orientation... clearly there are gay people who are not like that.------//------ I don't mean to be presumptuous, cause of course I don't know what you mean exactly, it just seems kinda sad. I don't expect you to miss something like that, but my philosophy is to totally immerse yourself into the moment, if you're gonna do something, and if you don't, in my opinion it's either because you don't want to be doing it, or else, can't devote the energy to do it right, and in either case, it does not enrich your life. But you're happy now, and that's what matters. Yay for you!.

I believe the reason I cannot be intimate with men is because I am completely gay. I tried to buck the system for nearly 12 years, for social and financial reasons I shall not go into here, and was continuously miserable. I would date a man, call him my boyfriend and all the while keep sleeping with my girlfriend.

What I am saying, is that in order to please people other than me, I attempted to alter my nature and force myself to enjoy men. The result was an unhappy me, and many men who wondered "What the Fuck?"

That was my "bisexual experiment" and it was a miserable failure. Certainly I have no problem with the sex act with a male, but for me it was just that, an act designed to create physical pleasure. I can't remember the last time I attempted to be 'intimate' or to enjoy the person rather than the sex.

I am not (definitely) saying this was right, in fact I often felt like a real shit for the way I treated men, as little more than objects or playthings; I had my reasons and excuses but that does not make it proper behaviour. I am better off now and probably so are the men who no longer receive my attentions.

The single best day I can recall is the day I finally decided that I was finished with men and would live as the lesbian I truly am.

(of course the day I met Sarah and the day I had the positive pregnancy tests are right up there as best days)


edit: dolf

 

[John Doe]

That's for you to find out.

 

[mansome]

how important is this label to you? I don't really care if people consider me bi, a gay man that loves to have sex with women, or a straight man who likes to suck cock on occassion......

have fun, be safe, and do what sexual consenting adults do when turned on.......

 

[DarKirby]

silky, I just want to say that I'm really impressed by all the thought and insight you've put into this, and I think it's helped me realize a lot about my current situation as well. I recently came out as bi, and it feels really strange from time to time. I'm pretty sure that all of my relationships for a good while will be with women, for the reason you were talking about: you really can't tell if someone's bi/gay by looking at them, bi people are hard to come across, and a lot of gays (and a lot of straight people) think that when you say you're bi you're just tied down to society's standard of being straight and that you should let it go and admit you're gay. That was one of the reactions I felt from people when I came out. But when you publicly admit that you're bi, as prejudiced as people might be against it, you're still leaving yourself open to relationships with either sex and people won't (or shouldn't be) surprised or unsettled by it. Also, if someone who's straight (of your own sex) knows you're bi and is comfortable with it, if they connect really well with you, the thought might go through their mind of being in a relationship with you because of the strong emotional connection you feel, and that might cause something to happen at some point (as you said, souls are genderless). You seem to be willing to connect with both men and women both emotionally and physically, so I'd just come out and tell people you're bi. It might not go over too well with everyone...but hey, it's their loss if they choose to be ignorant.
Best of luck.

 

[Silky_Thighs]

Vacillation

Kbate, I'm not sure, but I think I saw your (very excited!) posting when you got the positive results. I'm so happy for you!!

Life is shitty when you can't be yourself, and it's even more shitty that outside influences so often push gay people into that situation. I'm glad for you that you've been able to reconcile and be happy after such a long tortuous learning process, and to find the girl of your dreams to boot. I hope we're all able to be so lucky!

How important is this label to me? On one hand, I couldn't care less how people see me, and what they call me. On the other I feel I ought to know how I feel about this. I want to know who I am, I guess, and if that later gets labeled or not, well, that's a secondary issue, but it's important to me to know and be sure to some extent, and as yet I'm not. I think it's only fair to the woman I'm dating (if I ever do, *sigh*) for her to be given some sure indication about my level of commitment to her, and for my gf to know how her partner feels about her sexuality as it relates to her.

Kirby, geez...it does really feel strange sometimes, doesn't it? I think I'm getting more used to the concept (if only I was sure it applied)...kinda makes me proud, somehow. Stickin' it to the man (pardon the pun) maybe. Or maybe excitement that I'm an even more complex bit of feminine wonder than I thought (my posts are small compared to my ego, huh?) and a whole wide wonder new world opening up before me makes me happy, enthused and revitalised.

I think it would be very nice if I could be friends with a girl, who I find attractive, plant the seed as it was planted in me, and in time have it develop in her so that she's either curious and would like to try it out with me, or even better, want to strengthen our bond and become lovers. Wouldn't that be great! In fact I can think of one person I'd like it to happen to (but I gotta figure out how to be friends with her first, we've never really spoken, just someone I keep seeing).

That's another problem. Do I try and pursue a girl I'm interested in sexually (or more accurately, for a relationship) under the false pretense that I just want to be friends, or do I go right for it, and probably have her give me a weird look, and tell me she's straight, and never want to talk to me again? Or do I just try and view her as a friend only, and suppress my attraction, and never talk about it? And if the attraction develops after we're friends? I'm no good at flirting and picking people up. Woe is me, my life is so hard!

But am I ready to come out as bi? Like to everyone? New people? Now that's scary. Especially cause I'm not positive. I mean, you can't exactly take that back, who'd believe it, how would you make it casual enough to not sound stupid, and, whoa too much information. Imagine... "So, I thought I was bi, but when my ex-girlfriend started licking my clit I realised that without a cock to pound me into oblivion afterwards the hungry lust beast inside cannot be fed. Just so you know." And sad to say I have some friends (who I keep mostly cause they do cool stuff and invite me along, and not so much for their actual company - bad shallow me, but I need what they offer or else I'd hardly have a life) who are extremely homophobic. "I'm not saying we should kill them or anything, but put them on an island, so they don't degrade the rest of society. They can have all their gay fun there if they need to." I guess no one told them about gay hedonist resorts. And then the possible prejudice of those I don't know well and will meet in the future. And I think my best female friend will think I want her, because before I had any thoughts of biness we used to joke that we were like lesbian lovers...and that would be bad. So I think it would be wise, if I should risk it, that I'm at least doing it for something I'm sure about, and am sure about coming out.

So at this point, how sure am I? Well, see, cock-induced oblivion aside, i can't imagine ever being turned off by a woman, or what she did to me sexually, simply because of her gender. I don't know if I'm specifically turned on because of her gender, but I know it swings more in that direction. And I think I like yummy woman parts. And I think it would be possible to be satisfied without the man parts (though I guess in my instance right now I'd be getting them on the side anyways, so, double my pleasure). So if I'm able to connect with men and women both emotionally and physically, is that what being bi means? I mean, is that the question that basically tells me, yes I am?

Jesus, I guess I am.

I mean, all the above indicates it.

Whoa.

I'm curious. But no matter what I did, I guess I would still like women. Are there any once bi curious people out there who tried it and found they didn't like it, and it wasn't for them? If there are, why did you decide you WEREN'T bi, when the thought the idea once interested you? Cause I guess what some have said all along makes sense - if the idea appeals to you, it seems to kinda indicate you are. In fact I can't imagine anyone who wanted to actually go through with it ending up not wanting to be, because you go through so much doubt and second-guessing before you even get there, social contraints alone would disuade the dabblers I'd think.

Ok, so why is it that I still feel checking off the "straight" box on my Stats Can form (or any other that wasn't a personal site) still seems the most accurate? It's not out of fear or a privacy thing, it just still feels right. Am I still getting used to seeing myself in this new way? And why don't I have regular crushes on girls, but do with guys? Am I just not recognising them? I know for sure I never did when I was younger. It makes no sense. Why do I get turned on watching a male/female kiss, but not two girls? I just don't find it visually stimulating. But if I read it in erotica, I do get turned on on both counts, assuming it's well writen by a nice poster here I've never figured that out. Why do I seem to like guys more, and yet still think I'm bi?

Arrggghh!

So, that leaves me still profoundly confused, and still awfully sexually frustrated.

Awesome!

 

[DarKirby]

I'm in a similar situation, I don't have regular crushes on guys generally, but I can see it being a definite possibility, you know what I mean? It hasn't happened before, mainly because most guys I know suck, but I am sexually attracted to guys and I could see it happening. Plus remember that saying you're bi doesn't tie you down to saying yes when a girl asks you out or anything. I've come out as bi with the acknowledgement that I probably won't have a relationship with a guy in the near future. If you are getting involved with a girl (and it'd be a lot better if she were bi, but I think you know that), then just remember to tell her you don't really have much experience being in a same-sex relationship. I think that if you treat it as such, you could really have an amazing relationship with a woman and come to really acknowledge yourself as bi (because I really think you are).
Homophobic friends. Wow, that really sucks. I've just gotten used to not having that much of a life, but I'm in high school, so what can you expect? (hopefully that doesn't significantly detract from my credibility, as I consider myself very emotionally mature, but if it does, hey, it's understandable) I'd say that because you have friends like that, it'd be best to not come out at the moment, although I think you really should at some point. I'd say try to find people who you can get involved with and take you places and do cool things who aren't homophobic. Wouldn't it be great if we lived in Ideal Land, where it's not only easy to find people like that, but some of them were bi, too? But just see who you can find, or try to imagine yourself without those people and places in your life, maybe *gasp* venturing to find cool things to do on your own (okay, I know that's REALLY hard to do, but if you can, I'd say give it a shot). As for your best female friend...is she generally an accepting person? I thought that my best friend (who's male) would be really uncomfortable with me being bi because he might think I wanted him (maybe because we spend so much time together...wow, I use parentheses a lot). But at one point I was just having a complete breakdown and I talked to him and he asked what was wrong. We hadn't talked that much lately by high school standards...ya know, no real conversations in a couple of weeks or so, and when I told him I felt really isolated he asked if it had to do with him. I said yes, and I told him that it was because I was afraid he wouldn't accept me for who I was, and then I told him that I'm bi. He was really accepting about it...there wasn't any discomfort at all. It should have surprised me, because he's a really accepting person, but it's really scary when you think you might be risking such an amazing friendship, even if it's unreasonable to think that.
As for feeling that "straight" still feels right...I think some of it has to do with crushes, some of it has to do with (other people's) homophobia, and some of it has to do with the fact that you haven't had much in terms of same-sex experiences. I'm not trying to make the decision to report yourself as bi for you or anything, as much as I or anyone else can point you in the direction we feel is right, it's something you have to come to on your own (I'm not gonna say the horse analogy). Just remember to think about the alternative...if you tell everyone you're straight, when you get involved in a relationship, you'll almost certainly feel uncomfortable telling your partner about your feelings for women (assuming it's a relationship with a guy), just because of the whole "putting the relationship in jeopardy" thing. Then if your desires for women become really strong, you'll either be very sexually frustrated, or you'll look for some type of relationship with a woman on the side, both of which really suck, especially if you get married to the guy. It doesn't matter what sex it's with, cheating is cheating (I define cheating by the deception, not the sexual act itself). So once you really get into a relationship with a guy, you probably won't tell him about your bisexual feelings. Then it becomes a question of when do you tell them? If you tell it to any guy who you're going to go out with before you ever go out, that would feel really bizarre, I'd assume, if you aren't openly bi. You might think "Oh, this relationship won't become that serious," but there's always the possibility that it will, and then you're left with frustration or cheating. So those are just some things to think about...and think about it a lot. It's a big step, and there are so many consequences (good and bad) of deciding either way, so be absolutely sure you know what you're doing. Again, best of luck.
As for sexual frustration...what were hands invented for?