Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!

 

[Busybody]

you are a funny dud

 

[BusyAfternoon]

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop. The guy rolls down the window and says, "How can I help you?" "I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?" With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop. A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?" "I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?" "Your driver's license and registration, please."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Bail 'em out. Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system, Auto companies and Health Care to the same nit-wits who couldn’t make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!”

 

[eric60red]

no arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and couldn't play anymore.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge....

.....looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.


He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.

There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again..

He asked,"Why are you so happy?"

He said,"I'm NOT happy!".

"My balls are itchy!"

 

[eric60red]

Cosmic Laws"

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee...


2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.


6. Variation Law - If you impatiently change lines, when standing, or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you moved to.... (works every time)


7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone is most likely to ring.


8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


10. Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any given event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the restroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated with the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


17. Olivers Law of Public Speaking - A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!


18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like they will stop making it.


19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But, don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

20. Law of the important telephone call - You wait and wait for an important call - it happens when you give up and either take a bath or have to take a dump.

 

[eric60red]

Ultimate Stupidity."!

"Ultimate Stupidity."!


Makes your eyes water,


Just imaging it when you See What this Idiot is about to do...!!!!!


"Please Be Careful When Handling Tools." ! ????

Just when you think a person can't get any dumber.....


This will cleanse the gene pool a little.


"You can ignore reality,"
"But you can’t Ignore the consequences of ignoring Reality.” -
Ayn Rand.








Just Think about HOW long this Dude will be In Hospital when that Chainsaw starts up at full Throttle,

It will NOT a Pretty Site. I can tell you, heh heh, ..

 

[AuntNelda]

Question: How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: None.

It's a hardware problem.

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

Cars you've probably never seen before and many you've never even heard about.

SOME REAL BEAUTIES!

LOOK AT THE LENGTH OF SOME OF THE BODY PANELS, ONE PIECE AND NO WRINKLES OR DENTS. THE FOLKS WHO BUILD THESE WERE TRULY MASTER CRAFTSMEN!

http://members4.boardhost.com/AllExperts/msg/1210806446.html

Thanks for this link.....and your many posts

 

[Busybody]

Thx for all the stuff, BUSY!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://media-cache-lt0.pinterest.com/550x/d6/e3/bc/d6e3bc99a3dd973b38d289ef6029f724.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A lot of you are probably aware of the Great Lakes Icebreakers - that begin to be real busy now - these ships with sharp prows to cut through pack ice work tirelessly into the cold winter months to keep the shipping channels open for the Great Lakes freighters that bring supplies from all over the world to the United States. AND - of course these freighters take supplies from many of the Great Lakes ports to other ports - keeping the economies of all our northern cities going strong. I think it is high time that we give thanks to these dedicated Michigan folks who are out there in all sort of extreme weather - keeping the shipping lanes open and free of ice - and of course keeping the ships and crews safe on their journeys.


http://www.goldismoney2.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=32933&d=1293223568&thumb=1
Damned tough, them Michiganders!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Thanks for this link.....and your many posts

Thanks, You might enjoy this one too.

Ernie Adams tells us about his 1949 Mercury Dwarf Car in this professionally produced video. See the car's features up close. Learn about the building process. Ernie even takes it for a spin around the block.

http://vimeo.com/57941515

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://www.outoftheearth.com/dildo.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Six golden rules for f***ing:



1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you

4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce stress & your cholesterol level.

SO, REMEMBER ....



6. Fishing is good for your health.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Check this one out... See how good you are with a Russian pistol. All text is in Russian. When the pistol appears, "Click on the trigger". You have 3 shots and 30 seconds to aim and fire. Your score appears at the end. It’s addictive...!

http://www.deti.mil.by/templates/swf/Pistol/index.swf

 

[BusyAfternoon]

English Stiff Upper Lip

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aboriginal blood.. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars,' she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks so they hide in the bushes...

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer!


'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.


'I'm making love to me wife!' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.



'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'



'Well, neidder did I,til ya shined that light in her face.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Participating in a gun

buy back because you believe

that the criminals have too many guns is like

having yourself castrated because you believe

that the neighbors have too many kids.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Gun Control Works..History's worst killers...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=0sujnvIV4g4

 

[BusyAfternoon]

If you FIST’rs have ever played the Game, you know exactly what this is all about. For those of you who haven’t, don’t read this.

http://www.fistofblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/golfswing.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://www.outoftheearth.com/femalebr.gif

http://www.outoftheearth.com/malebrai.gif

 

[smoothg103rd]

There was a married couple getting ready for bed when they heard a loud noise come from the backyard so they rush outside to see what is was they was greeted by two aliens husband and wife they talk for a minute then the human husband said I always wanted to have sex with a alien so they agree that they will try it the human wife with the alien husband the human husband with the alien wife so the human wife and alien husband was in the room she seen his cock and said omg this small he said don't worry baby just play with my ears until it grow to the size you want it so the next day the human wife ask the human husband how was your night he says it was ok but she kept playing with my ears all night

 

[BusyAfternoon]

a few blonde "guy" jokes.............

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------

A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------

A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------

A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."