Teach-in Pantoum

[UnderYourSpell]

The Pantoum is a Malayan form of interlocking poetry composed of quatrain stanzas (4 lined verses) four stanzas in length. I have seen longer ones but it gets complicated the more stanzas you write and for this exercise I'm going for the four. I am going by the way I was taught which can be found at this link List of forms as you can see this example turns on rhymes, but a Pantoum does not have to rhyme although I have never written one that doesn't. There are also instructions here The thread of forms but (with apologies to Champagne) for this lesson can you please disregard the examples underneath or we will get in a right fix!
The first stanza is written with the rhyming scheme of ABAB , then in the second stanza your 2nd and 4th lines become the 1st and 3rd lines. Once I have got my first stanza down I make out a sort of spreadsheet writing in the lines I've already got. The final stanza takes the lines as before but then the 3rd line and the 1st line of the first stanza
Here is an example


Look not for me when roses bloom
with petals stained a vibrant red,
or seeds lie under snow's dark tomb
I will not come for I am dead.

With petals stained a vibrant red
see not the fragrant hyacinth cup,
I will not come for I am dead,
and wandering bees dip heads to sup.

See not the fragrant hyacinth cup
her face to seek for life's sweet rain
and wandering bees dip heads to sup,
your smile I'll never see again

Her face to seek for life's sweet rain
or seeds lie under snow's dark tomb
your smile I'll never see again,
look not for me when roses bloom.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Now I will show you what can go wrong! This one I was writing last night and when I realised where I had gone wrong I didn't edit it but decided to use it as a training aid instead

A throat was never made to take
deep down as much as this
past the lips that kissed awake
were parted in a kiss.

Deep down as much as this
now thrust eight inches maybe more,
were parted in a kiss
for him, but that was long before.

Now thrust eight inches maybe more,
her legs lay wide and spread
for him, but that was long before
he shackled to the bed.

Her legs lay wide and spread
past the lips that kissed awake
he shackled to the bed
a throat was never made to take.

So if you look at the last stanza even though it follows the correct formula, it makes no sense at all!! (and yes I do realise there are far too may kisses close together there)

 

[bronzeage]

Malaysia?

 

[Angeline]

Ay! The repetitions!

For me this form is all about the repetitions. It is challenging to write, but you can do some interesting things that can lend your poem a rhetorical flourish or even an elegiac tone, depending on what your subject is. In the best pantoums I've read (and I've read a bunch in the past few days!), the repeating lines seem to help move the poem's narrative forward. And if you are going to write a rhyming pantoum all you really need to remember is that every other line must rhyme. Have I got that right Teach?

Anyway here is a schematic for a five-stanza pantoum. Each stanza consists of one quatrain (i.e., four lines). I have to keep something like this in front of me as I write or the result will be a hodgepodge. Also mine probably won't rhyme or will rhyme in the wrong place on purpose because I am a perennial problem child.

Line 1
Line 2
Line 3
Line 4

Line 5 (repeat of line 2)
Line 6
Line 7 (repeat of line 4)
Line 8

Line 9 (repeat of line 6)
Line 10
Line 11 (repeat of line 8)
Line 12

Line 13 (repeat of line 10)
Line 14
Line 15 (repeat of line 12)
Line 16

Line 17 (repeat of line 14)
Line 18 (repeat of line 3)
Line 19 (repeat of line 16)
Line 20 (repeat of line 1)

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Malaysia?

So this guy says Lewis Turco

 

[UnderYourSpell]

For me this form is all about the repetitions. It is challenging to write, but you can do some interesting things that can lend your poem a rhetorical flourish or even an elegiac tone, depending on what your subject is. In the best pantoums I've read (and I've read a bunch in the past few days!), the repeating lines seem to help move the poem's narrative forward. And if you are going to write a rhyming pantoum all you really need to remember is that every other line must rhyme. Have I got that right Teach?

Anyway here is a schematic for a five-stanza pantoum. Each stanza consists of one quatrain (i.e., four lines). I have to keep something like this in front of me as I write or the result will be a hodgepodge. Also mine probably won't rhyme or will rhyme in the wrong place on purpose because I am a perennial problem child.

Line 1
Line 2
Line 3
Line 4

Line 5 (repeat of line 2)
Line 6
Line 7 (repeat of line 4)
Line 8

Line 9 (repeat of line 6)
Line 10
Line 11 (repeat of line 8)
Line 12

Line 13 (repeat of line 10)
Line 14
Line 15 (repeat of line 12)
Line 16

Line 17 (repeat of line 14)
Line 18 (repeat of line 3)
Line 19 (repeat of line 16)
Line 20 (repeat of line 1)

Yes Rhyming ABAB which is easier as you go on because you've already got half of those lines

 

[Angeline]

Here goes nothin! Sans rhyme!

Pantoum for the Lambertville Music Circus

In circus tents and summer fields
I fell in love with rock and roll,
thrilling to the shrill tumult--
my generation guitars the beat.

I fell in love with rock and roll.
My father didn't like it much--
my generation guitars the beat.
(He called every musician George.)

My father didn't like it much,
his little girls in miniskirts.
He called every musician George.
Perhaps Gershwin might save us all:

his little girls in miniskirts,
writhing and racing out the door.
Perhaps Gershwin might save us all
when there were intervening years

writhing and racing out the door,
thrilling to the shrill tumult
when there were intervening years
in circus tents and summer fields.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Pantoum for the Lambertville Music Circus

In circus tents and summer fields
I fell in love with rock and roll,
thrilling to the shrill tumult--
my generation guitars the beat.

I fell in love with rock and roll.
My father didn't like it much--
my generation guitars the beat.
(He called every musician George.)

My father didn't like it much,
his little girls in miniskirts.
He called every musician George.
Perhaps Gershwin might save us all:

his little girls in miniskirts,
writhing and racing out the door.
Perhaps Gershwin might save us all
when there were intervening years

writhing and racing out the door,
thrilling to the shrill tumult
when there were intervening years
in circus tents and summer fields.

Wow seriously impressed!
Even if you did ignore the 4 stanza thingy

 

[todski28]

though this seems daunting, I am working on it......dear god why??

 

[butters]

though this seems daunting, I am working on it......dear god why?? haha

ha, me too. it's getting those first lines/repeating lines right enough that they can slot in and still make sense my brain aches

 

[todski28]

*on satin sheets*

This time and place we are one
The candles on, explore our claims
Skin of braile, novel of fun
We in secret burn our flames

the candles on, explore our claims
made a promise with silent touch
We in secret burn our flames
Slow, sensual not too much

Made a promise with silent touch
Passionate longings now unlock
Slow, sensual not too much
As you slide upon my cock

Passionate longings now unlock
Strokes gentle slow and deep
As you slide upon my cock
This one moment ours to keep

Strokes gentle, slow and deep
Skin, of braile, novel of fun
This one moment ours to keep
This time and place we are one.

hahah, I copied angelines line breaks and followed that... now I',m a stanza too long as well......

Thanks Ange, now I'm going to get the cane

 

[todski28]

ha, me too. it's getting those first lines/repeating lines right enough that they can slot in and still make sense my brain aches

At least it's not just me. I wanted to check in and let the teacher know she still had students

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*on satin sheets*

This time and place we are one
The candles on, explore our claims
Skin of braile, novel of fun
We in secret burn our flames

the candles on, explore our claims
made a promise with silent touch
We in secret burn our flames
Slow, sensual not too much

Made a promise with silent touch
Passionate longings now unlock
Slow, sensual not too much
As you slide upon my cock

Passionate longings now unlock
Strokes gentle slow and deep
As you slide upon my cock
This one moment ours to keep

Strokes gentle, slow and deep
Skin, of braile, novel of fun
This one moment ours to keep
This time and place we are one.

hahah, I copied angelines line breaks and followed that... now I',m a stanza too long as well......

Thanks Ange, now I'm going to get the cane

Phwoaaaaaaaaa that's hot stuff!! You're a natural and for doing the 5 lines :caning::caning: I enjoyed that bit!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

ha, me too. it's getting those first lines/repeating lines right enough that they can slot in and still make sense my brain aches

It's the last stanza I often struggle with and I have been known to write it backwards so I know it's going to make sense!

 

[todski28]

Thank you for the high praise. I am enjoying the brain tease of forms thanks for the effort you are putting in. I knew that Cane was coming, glad I have buns of steel

Can't wait to see who else posts.

 

[Angeline]

*on satin sheets*

This time and place we are one
The candles on, explore our claims
Skin of braile, novel of fun
We in secret burn our flames

the candles on, explore our claims
made a promise with silent touch
We in secret burn our flames
Slow, sensual not too much

Made a promise with silent touch
Passionate longings now unlock
Slow, sensual not too much
As you slide upon my cock

Passionate longings now unlock
Strokes gentle slow and deep
As you slide upon my cock
This one moment ours to keep

Strokes gentle, slow and deep
Skin, of braile, novel of fun
This one moment ours to keep
This time and place we are one.

hahah, I copied angelines line breaks and followed that... now I',m a stanza too long as well......

Thanks Ange, now I'm going to get the cane

Nice work Tod and sorry I am a bad influence with the stanzas. When I was a little girl my family called me a Moische Kapoyer. He is a folk character from Yiddish stories who does everything backwards. So beware.

ha, me too. it's getting those first lines/repeating lines right enough that they can slot in and still make sense my brain aches

I went back and changed lines because they weren't working at the end the first time round.

I may try another one today but will soon have a houseful of young men (eagleyez's boys are on their way for a visit), so I may be kinda chained to the kitchen today. We'll see!

 

[erectus123]

teach-in-pantoum

nice discussion, that Todski is something else!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

nice discussion, that Todski is something else!

I look forward to seeing yours soon

 

[champagne1982]

Copied this from Glove Slap '09 (an incarnation of the Gunfight! battles) It was one of the two battles I have lost (is it 2? I think so, maybe more, no matter) out of the many I drew a bead in.

Anyway:

Bound Pantoum
a pantoum

captured I stand bound by desire
with these ties of duty and need
for selfish gifts of love and greed
to slake this lust with blood and fire

with these ties of duty and need
stronger than twisted strands of wire
or this lust of blood and fire
I wait in this garden of briar and weed

stronger than twisted strands of wire
the barbs dig in deep and I bleed
and wait in this garden of briar and weed
for the sting to come as I perspire

the barbs dig in deep and I bleed
caught tight and bound by desire
the sting comes bitter as I perspire
in selfish gifts of love and greed​

 

[Angeline]

Copied this from Glove Slap '09 (an incarnation of the Gunfight! battles) It was one of the two battles I have lost (is it 2? I think so, maybe more, no matter) out of the many I drew a bead in.

Anyway:

Bound Pantoum
a pantoum

captured I stand bound by desire
with these ties of duty and need
for selfish gifts of love and greed
to slake this lust with blood and fire

with these ties of duty and need
stronger than twisted strands of wire
or this lust of blood and fire
I wait in this garden of briar and weed

stronger than twisted strands of wire
the barbs dig in deep and I bleed
and wait in this garden of briar and weed
for the sting to come as I perspire

the barbs dig in deep and I bleed
caught tight and bound by desire
the sting comes bitter as I perspire
in selfish gifts of love and greed​

Really startling sensual images and you changed the rhyme scheme, you sly girl.

 

[champagne1982]

Really startling sensual images and you changed the rhyme scheme, you sly girl.

Yes, I thought the rhyme scheme was up for variation since the formula I found when looking it up was to change lines and line order within 4 quatrains and my rhyme schemes for a quatrain are usually ABBA or ABAB. It adds a certain je ne sais quoi, n'est-ce pas?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Yes, I thought the rhyme scheme was up for variation since the formula I found when looking it up was to change lines and line order within 4 quatrains and my rhyme schemes for a quatrain are usually ABBA or ABAB. It adds a certain je ne sais quoi, n'est-ce pas?

tut tut :caning: but I will let you off this once but please don't confuse the new pupils!

 

[todski28]

keep up with the cainings and I might start mucking up for the spankings lol

 

[todski28]

Copied this from Glove Slap '09 (an incarnation of the Gunfight! battles) It was one of the two battles I have lost (is it 2? I think so, maybe more, no matter) out of the many I drew a bead in.

Anyway:

Bound Pantoum
a pantoum

captured I stand bound by desire
with these ties of duty and need
for selfish gifts of love and greed
to slake this lust with blood and fire

with these ties of duty and need
stronger than twisted strands of wire
or this lust of blood and fire
I wait in this garden of briar and weed

stronger than twisted strands of wire
the barbs dig in deep and I bleed
and wait in this garden of briar and weed
for the sting to come as I perspire

the barbs dig in deep and I bleed
caught tight and bound by desire
the sting comes bitter as I perspire
in selfish gifts of love and greed​

Damn where I flirted around the edges of of passion you dove straight in. Love it, maybe a caining was a bit harsh, but alll said and done, I love this.

Thanks for your piece Angeline, I have a daughter and have been dreading the day she runs in wearing a minni skirt...I know the inevitability of life but hey can't help getting a bit caveman thinking about it!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

keep up with the cainings and I might start mucking up for the spankings lol

I'm a Switch honey you wouldn't like me very much when I do