brinkeedinkee
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2003
- Posts
- 1,183
Here's a short story of a guy and his "tazer" that was sent to me recently. Ya gotta read it all the way through...cuz it's funny as hell in the end.
Hope ya enjoy.
>Subject: Tazers
>
>
>
>
>My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will
>be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
>have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>
>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
>my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
>bought something really cool for Kathy. The occasion was our 22nd
>anniversary And I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
>girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
>gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
>product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
>designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
>amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
>to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
>but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
>prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
>will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
>whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
>in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
>was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>stinkin'directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular
>model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
>do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
>however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue
>arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
>looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and
>a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information,
>but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face
>of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
>blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
>fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,
>after all.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
>me at the time...
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
>little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
>triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
>way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is
>almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone,
>Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do
>it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
>thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
>circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad
>decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
>it was a Bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at
>the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
>HOLY**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie
>Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that
>recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
>vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
>fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
>tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over
>me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
>undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If
>you ever Feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
>caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in
>your
>thigh like yours truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
>time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
>88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>handsome if I might say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to
>get 'em back.
>
Brinky was here
Hope ya enjoy.
>Subject: Tazers
>
>
>
>
>My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will
>be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
>have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>
>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
>my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
>bought something really cool for Kathy. The occasion was our 22nd
>anniversary And I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
>girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
>gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
>product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
>designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
>amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
>to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
>but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
>prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
>will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
>whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
>in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
>was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>stinkin'directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular
>model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
>do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
>however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue
>arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
>looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and
>a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information,
>but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face
>of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
>blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
>fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,
>after all.
>But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
>me at the time...
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
>little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
>triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
>way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is
>almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone,
>Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do
>it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
>thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
>circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad
>decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
>it was a Bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at
>the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
>HOLY**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie
>Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that
>recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
>vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
>fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
>tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over
>me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
>undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If
>you ever Feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
>caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in
>your
>thigh like yours truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
>time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
>little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
>88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>handsome if I might say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to
>get 'em back.
>
Brinky was here
