Taste

[jessy19]

Does this poem sound good or shall I add more?

Our eyes meet
And lock in this
Lustful moment

Your hands caress my face
And I tremble
Feeling anxious to please you.

I take you in, slowly
Every inch of you
Fills my mouth.

Your hardness drowns
In my saliva while my
Lips move up and down your length.

Gradually, your taste spreads
Making me thirst for you,
Yearn for you.

Your breathing becomes heavy
With each stroke
of my mouth.

Your fingers grip
My hair and your eyes
show fulfillment.

You shudder violently and
Your warmth floods
My mouth.

I swallow it,
I taste it,
I love it.

 

[Icingsugar]

Honestly, I think you should not add more of the same, but less of that, and more of...well...something else. Ok, this is just my personal opinion, do with is as you like:

Here you have written a graphic, straightforward description of oral sex. And you have phrased it with short sentences and a line rhythm to make it read like a poem. And as such, it works, the words flow nicely.

But is it interresting to read? Not to me, at least.

Why?

One of the occational visitors to this forum, once called a poem almost like yours "a vertical story", which I'll have to agree with. And as far as stories go, there's an ocean of good erotic stories to choose from. A poem must offer something else than that.

Sure, to you it's probably a powerful moment, but it doesn't come across to me. Because it's just a desciptive story told, and a very short story at that.

What you need here is to find another angle to describe things from. One that I, as a reader don't expect.

Find good metaphors for what you are trying to describe, find a new perspective, don't just spit it out (pun intended).

Here's an example of how two of your stanzas could be rewritten (just my own sappy crap, but different ):

Our eyes meet
And lock in this
Lustful moment

Those eyes,
magnetic magic
blue iris stars
capturing mine.
I am lost
I am lust

Your hands caress my face
And I tremble
Feeling anxious to please you.

Those hands,
traces the longing lines
in my face
and leaves a trail
of fire, music and a tremble.
My tremble,
a soundless plea
my wordless please
'let me please'


Good luck, and keep writing.
/Ice

 

[Senna Jawa]

from bad to worse

Ice, Jessy's original is of course a very poor pretense for a poem, but your version is even worse (I was even surprised that it is possible to go still lower by that much).

We used to have here UM (Unmasked Poet) who believed that he can turn any crap into a reasonable poem. That was a nonsensical view. If there is nothing to start with why would any (future) poem have anything to do with that original nothing? At the best it would be just a poem. However, attempts to fix a nothing and turn it into something (into something good and identifiable with the original) are doomed due to a basic contradiction of terms. (This error has been repeated by a number of regulars here, who turn their misguided friendliness into a display of bad taste and harmful advice).

Regards to the original author and to the commentator,

 

[Icingsugar]

Re: from bad to worse

Here we go again...

Ice, Jessy's original is of course a very poor pretense for a poem, but your version is even worse (I was even surprised that it is possible to go still lower by that much).

Never said my version was any good. I specifically wrote that it was sappy crap. It was just an example of the same content, but said differently.

Well, some take any excuse to spew out superfluous remarks, I guess.

We used to have here UM (Unmasked Poet) who believed that he can turn any crap into a reasonable poem. That was a nonsensical view.

Sounds so, yes. I'll look up his/her posts, and see for myself.

If there is nothing to start with why would any (future) poem have anything to do with that original nothing?

What is this 'nothing' and 'something', this digital world of back and white that you seem to speak of? I think you need to define the terms in which you try to explain things, because honestly, they don't make any sense. Here is a text, a prosaic description of an event, with poetic ambitions, but that still was constructed as plain prose. Please explain what makes that a 'nothing'.

However, attempts to fix a nothing and turn it into something (into something good and identifiable with the original) are doomed due to a basic contradiction of terms. (This error has been repeated by a number of regulars here, who turn their misguided friendliness into a display of bad taste and harmful advice).

Misguided how? Harmful how? How can the advice 'try new angles, experiment with different ways of saying things, think outside the box' be considered harmful for an aspiring poet? Yes, that was all I really said. I'll leave it to jessy to make her own desicions about how to develop her writing.

If you think that is harmful advice, then you truly live in an entirely different universe than me.

Regards to the original author and to the commentator,

Same back atcha.

/Ice

 

[champagne1982]

The title says it all..

It's a matter of taste and I'm sure Jessy found nothing disagreeable in it or the tale wouldn't have been told. As for me, I found it all rather bland. You told us nothing of how it felt to have him caress your cheek or how he tasted. Jessy, you may like sweet while I yearn for savoury.

To answer your question though: No, don't add more unless you include some texture and interest to what is already there. In fact prune it, reword it and then rewrite it ... Set it aside and then read it with an objective eye. Truly look to see if this poem will arouse the reader as much as the memory of the event aroused you.

If it doesn't, place it within the pages of your journal or send it to your lover because you two are the only ones this would matter to.

Everyone thinks that every ode to their sweetheart deserves to be shared publicly. I admire your courage. Realistically though, this would be lost in the sea of other, such nondescript, poems posted here.

Keep writing and think about what the other two posters have said. If you write of something meaningful only to you, everyone else will dismiss the offering as meaningless. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there's not neccessarily anything right either.

 

[jessy19]

Gee, I didn't think it'd suck so much lol