Tale of Hearts

[butteryart]

The format of my story is a little different because it's for a visual novel, but I'd like some feedback on the story itself. The story is designed so you have choices which bring you to different endings (one of which isn't written yet).


(background Bar)

Naomi sat at the bar looking up nervously every few minutes at the

door. She wasn't the type of girl to go on blind dates and she

definately wasn't the type to meet a guy online, but he seemed so

nice. She was trying to go over his picture in her head so she

wouldn't miss him. Tall, long blonde hair, not an overly muscular

fisique, but he looked good. She felt her cheeks get rosy as she grew

more and more nervous as the minutes inched on. She was about to

change her mind and leave when she saw him walk through the door. She

gulped a little to herself, his picture didn't do him justice, he

looked like a living statue walking over to her. She knew he had to

be too good to be true. She took a deep breath and smiled and waved

to him.

N"Hi, are you Ian?" (I really hope so.)

I"Yes, and you must be Naomi?"

N"Guilty"

I"You look much better in person. You never can tell what to expect

online"

N"I was actually thinking the same thing about you"

I"I don't mean for this to sound forward, but would you like to get

out of here so we can talk, take a walk down to the park?"

N All the logic in my head screamed no, don't go to the park at night

with a strange man, but his smile threw my logic out the window.

"Sure, It is a little loud in here"

I " I know I already said this, but you look absolutely amazing" He

held out his hand for me

N I had to stop myself from giggling like a schoolgirl as I took his

hand.

Then..... what is happening?

The air started shifting around me. I'd never felt anything like this

before,

I felt like I was going to suffocate.

AAAAh

I "Naomi! I didn't mean for this to happen so soon. I wasn't

thinking."

N "Wasn't thinking about what? Where are we? What happend?

I "I'm sorry Naomi, but you're going to have to come with me, NOW"

N I noticed a look in his eye that wasn't there before. I blinked

hard. Why do you look different. I looked down at my hands. Why do I

look different? I reached up and touched my face. Why do I feel

different? Ian, what's happening?

I "I'll answer you soon, just come with me now."

I felt helpless, I had no choice but to follow him. He held out his

hand to me again and I reluctantly grabbed his hand, this is how it

all started. There has to be an explaination for this.

He pulled me quietly down an empty street up to a giant house, more

than a house, the best way to describe it would be a castle, but come

on, a castle?

N "Do you live in a... castle?"

I Ian blushed. "I do, but as I said, we'll have time for questions

later."

He pulled me along through the gates. I thought I had heard people

following us, but it must have been my imagination. He pulled me up

through countless hallways and into a room. A bedrooom...

N "What are we doing here?"

I " You'll just have to trust me for now, I'll explain everything.

But first, I need this."

He pulled me into him and kissed me deeply exploring my mouth with

his tongue, tasting, teasing, enticing.

I "your skin is so soft" He pulled off my loose top " and these are

amazing" His mouth engulfed my nipple."

N I had never felt anything like this before. The kiss was amazing,

but it was like something was being drained from my body. I couldn't

help myself when he touched me, even after everything that has just

happend, I wanted more. I knew it was wrong to want someone I had

just met, but my brain wouldn't work right, I just needed him.

Ian put his arms around me and lifted me onto his dresser. I could

feel his hard member pushing against his pants. I needed those pants

to dissaper more than anything I can ever remember needing. I pulled

at his belt buckle but my fingers were shaking so much I could barely

get it open.

I Ian smiled. "Slow down, we have plenty of time to enjoy ourselves"
He unbuckled his pants and let them fall to the ground to reveal his

massive cock.

I "it's all for you"

He entered me with his finger and felt how badly I wanted him.
N "Please"

I " I like that word. Please. Say it again"

N "Please, I need you"

I He pushed his cock against my opening. "Please what?"

N "Please fuck me"

He smiled and without any hesitation pounded his cock into me. I'd

never felt anything like this. It filled me up completely. I wrapped

my legs around his waist and pulled him into me.

N "MMMM" I felt something come over me that I hadn't felt in a long

time.

My body tightened against him. I was about to cum. My muscles

tightened and squeezed his cock.

N"Please... cum with me"

He needed no second invitation, he pounded furiously into me. He

grabbed my hips and pulled himself hard into me and filled me full of

sweet cum. His mouth colapsed onto mine.


I laid with my head on his chest trying to take in what had happened.

I didn't know where I was, or really even who I'm with, but a few

minutes ago it didn't matter at all.

I sat straight up and stared down and Ian's magnificent body.

N "Ian, what is going on? Where am I?"

I Ian looked away for a moment. "I don't know how to explain it, or

at least not so you'll believe me..."

N "I don't care what the story is, just tell me!"

I "I didn't realize it would happen like that. You have to know that

first"

N "didn't realize what?"

I "We're in another dimension."

N "This is rediculous, I'm going home"

I "Please don't leave, it's not safe"

(Stay / Go) (Go --> Run Ending)

N "Fine, then what's really going on?"

I "like I said, we're in another dimension. I went into your world

to... our people live off of life force, women's life force to be

exact. And our world has a shortage of women"

N "So you brought me here to kill me? Like a vampire???"

I " No, nothing like that, you won't die, at least not from one

person, but that's why it's not safe for you out there, not yet. I

didn't mean to take you now. I came to...."

N "Well, what is it?"

I "I came to find a mate"

N "In case you haven't noticed, we just met. Not to mention, you

just abducted me!"

I "It was an accident, I didn't expect you to grab my hand, and... I

just didn't know it would happen this way"

N "I have to get out of here, you have to be crazy, there's no way

this can be real!"

(Naomi tried to run, Ian grabed her and breathed something into her,

she falls to the ground.)

I "Guard, please come take her somewhere safe, she can't escape.

Please be careful with her... and try to make her comfortable."

Guard "Yes, your majesty"

The guard smirks as he leaves with my limp body. How long has it

been since he's even seen a woman, let alone have one in his arms.

He hurridly carries me down to the dungeon and chains me to a wall.

N "Where am I?"

G "Good morning little princess, I have a present for you"

N I screamed as I realized that I'm chained to the ceiling with a

naked man in front of me. "Please, leave me alone"

G " I like the sound of please. Now lets try Master" He grinned.

He grabbed a chain attached to a pully. I couldn't see what it was

attached to. Suddenly I felt my legs float up into the air in front

of me. "Thats the view I wanted. Now say, please fuck me master."

N "Please, leave me alone"

G "That's not what I said." He pulled out a leather whip and slapped

it across my ass. "Now what do you say?"

N I didn't want to be slapped again and I didn't see anyway around

it. I wispered. "Please Master"

G "Louder!"

N "Please Master"

G "Please what?"

N "Please fuck me Master"

He didn't need a second word. He tied the chain so my legs were high

above my head and slid a finger into my pussy. "You must like this

more than you admit. You're wet" He took his wet finger and slid it

into my mouth. I tried to spit it out but he slapped my cheek. "You

do what I tell you to"

His fingers were more experienced than I would've guessed, I could

feel myself getting aroused against my will, I tried to visualize

myself somewhere else, but each time his palm brushed against my clit

it sent shivers up my spine. Just when he thought I was going to cum

he pulled his hand away.

G "You don't cum until I tell you you can" He slapped my wet pussy.

He pushed his massive cock against my opening. It was rock hard.

Despite myself I felt myself pushing into his cock. "haha, I thought

you'd like it, you little whore" He thrust himself into me without

abandon. I thought I was going to scream from the pain, but before I

could he suddenly slowed down. He pulled his cock out and pushed it

against my ass.

N "No please not there. I've never..." It was too late, he was

pushing through my tight opening, I felt like I was being ripped in

two. "That's a good whore, it's in all the way, how does it feel?"

"Please, it hurts" "Good, now it's time for you to cum" I couldn't

believe him, how was I supposed to cum in this pain. He thrust his

fingers back inside my pussy. "I said cum" Before I knew it I was

rocking against his large cock. "You are a dirty little whore. Now

cum" I didn't have to be told twice, my body spasmed against his

cock. He couldn't take it any more, my tight ass spasming on his

cock. He filled my ass full off cum.

"Now that's a good whore. Now sleep tight, the master said to take

good care of you."

He left the room. I laid there and cried for what seemed like hours

until I finally fell asleep. I woke up back in the room I had shared

with Ian.

Ian walks in. "Good morning."

I flinched as he comes near me. He looks at me confused. What

happend?

(Tell what happend/ dont tell) (Ian Story/ Guard Story)

Choice:

---------------------------------Report

Guard------------------------------------

N "Don't act like you don't know. Your guard... my voice trailed

off"

I A fire shone behind his eyes. "What did the guard do?"

N "He....attacked me....." I wanted to be strong, but it was all too

much, I couldn't take it. I broke down in tears.

I He reached over and held me close. "Don't worry, he'll never touch

you.... or anyone again. Please rest, I'll return shortly"

Ian stormed out of the room, I could hear him barking orders to

someone down the hall, but I didn't have the energy to listen. I

collapsed on the pillow.

I woke up some time later to see Ian laying next to me a worried

expression on his face. After everything that had happend, I could

still get lost in his eyes.

N "Ian, what am I supposed to do?"

I "There is no way back home."

N "What?!?"

I "I'm sorry, it's not possible to send you back, but... you can stay

here with me..." He trailed off, almost asking a question

N "What am I supposed to do here? I'm not some kind of whore."

I "I didn't mean like that at all. I just.... I feel something

special for you, and I couldn't have brought you here if you weren't

the one."

N "the one? I don't think I believe in things like that. Of course,

I didn't believe anything like this place could exist a few days ago.

"

I "You have a choice, I don't want to force you, but... He leans down

and kisses my lips, I can hope."

N "this is rediculous, but when I look into your eyes, I can't think

of anything else. Is this a vampire thing?"

I "haha, no. Again, I'm not a vampire, you can keep every drop of

your blood. I won't lie, my presence should cause you to become

sexually stimulated, but any feeling other than that is all your own.

I can do a little magic though. He grins and opens his hand, a

beautiful necklace appears from nowhere. "for you"

N "this is beautiful, what is it?"

I "if you choose to wear it, it will protect you, no one touch you or

hurt you here as long as this is around your neck, unless of course

you want them to..."

N I grined and slid on the necklace. "Try to touch me"

I Ian slowly runs his hands down my cheeck and then smiles. I leaned

closer in to him. "Are you sure?"

N I grabbed his belt buckle, "I'm positive, but.... can you do any

other interesting magic tricks?"

I Ian smirked. "I can do plenty." He stradled me on the bed and

held his hands over me almost touching me.

N "Oh fuck, what are you doing? I had never felt anything this

amazing, I was going to cum and he wasn't even touch me yet.

Please.... please...."

I Ian moved his hands away from me. "how was that?"

N Please don't stop

I Ian took his massive member and rubbed it against my sweet opening.

"You're so wet" He pushed into me. I screamed in orgasm instantly.

He held himself in me completely still until I had finished.

N I looked deep into his eyes and whispered "I'm yours"

I "say that again"

N I'm yours

He stopped for a moment to catch his breath then started trusting

into me with long, hard strokes. He bent down and kissed me, it felt

like our tongues were dancing. He slid his hands up my back and

through my hair. He thrust harder, his whole body tensing. I knew he

was close and I was right there with him. "Please" I whispered in

his ear. We came together in what seemed like an explosion. He held

himself inside me afterwards and looked down into my eyes.

I be mine Naomi

N what?

I Marry me, please, let me make you my wife.

(yes/no) (queen ending/friend ending)

----------------------YES----------------------

N I knew how crazy it was, but it seemed so right. "Yes"

His lips fell down onto mine and I could feel the love pouring out of

his body.

I Naomi... I know this isn't the way you pictured it... but I love

you

N It's crazy, but I love you to.

I Oh, one more thing, he smirked, will you take a look out the

window? (looks) That's all mine... ours.

N What?

I He stands up. I'm king Ian Whiteguard and this is my kingdom. I

came to your world to find a queen, but I never expected to find one

like you

N I reached up and took his hand. Guess I can get a Happily Ever

After

------------NO-------------------

N I'm sorry, but this is all too much. I can't do this, please don't

ask me to

Ian was heartbroken, but he never let Naomi knew, he knew life for

her here would be hard enough. Over time she found love with the

local innkeeper. Ian never forgot Naomi, but as King Whiteguard he

had no choice but to move on. He found another bride from a far away

kingdom and married for politics, but his heart was still lost with a

beautiful woman from another world.




------------------------------Don't Report

Guard---------------------------------



-------------------------------------Run-----------------------------

------------

I can't take this anymore. I didn't ask to be torn away from my life

and thrown into this word. The prince seems kind, but I just want to

go home.

As soon as his eyes close I slowly sneak out of the room. I make a

run for it with the little clothes I could gather on my way out.

I "Naomi, stop! Please come back!"

I hear his voice, but I have to get away. This can't all be real if I

run fast enough maybe I can get home. Home has to be here somewhere.
My mind is racing and then someone grabs me from behind.

"Look what I found boys"

A large man pulls my arm behind my back and walks me towards a group

of men standing around. They're eyes immediately grow hungry as they

look at my scantily clad body.

N "Let me go"

"Oh sweetie, we have no intention of that"

I look down in horror as their bodies told me exactly what they

intended. I struggled to get away and screamed. I saw the prince's

face in the distance.

N"Please, help me"

He looked down and slowly walked away.

"We love fresh meat sweetie"

He smiled a frightening smile and released his massive manhood.

N "Please, just let me go"

I knew my pleading was in vain, so I closed my eyes tightly. I felt

more and more hands groping me. Ripping off my clothes.

"Haha, I think she's enjoying this boys. Look at how wet she is"

They were wrong, I just wanted to go home, maybe if I just pretend it

isn't happening...

"AAAh"

One of the men thrust deeply into me. I tried to scream, but more

hands grabbed at my face and thrust my head down onto another cock.

I finally understood why the prince didn't want me to leave, he

really was trying to save me.

Man after man had their way with me.

N (this has to end soon)

My body became limp as I felt all of my energy fading away.

Another pair of hands picked me up and thrust his cock into me.

"You can't have it all to yourself"

Another pair of hands grabbed my waist and shoved into my ass.

I screamed with the last of energy I had left. Then my body went

completely

limp.

.....
.....
....

"Am I home?"

 

[BCarlo]

The format of my story is a little different because it's for a visual novel, but I'd like some feedback on the story itself. The story is designed so you have choices which bring you to different endings (one of which isn't written yet).

by visual novel do you Mean, like a graphic novel? or an interactive novel?