Taking Your Husband's Last Name

[lavender]

 

[Topher]

As long as my children take my name I don't care.
And as long as my wife is not keeping some ex's name.

 

[lobito]

My wife took my last name, on paper, but she doesn't go by it. Becasue she is working in the media field and wants to be on the radio, she refuses to let her/MY last name be known on a professional basis.

I dont mind it at all. I know she's my wife, and she knows who her husband is.

 

[EthiopianPrince]

It will be fine with me if my wife chooses to keep her maiden name. A more difficult question from a gender equity perspective is what our kids' last name should be. I suppose hypenated would work in the 1st generation, but when two people with hyphenated names marry, do they really expect their kids to have four last names hyphenated together? What do you think?

 

[Nicole]

Interesting Question Lavender, and one I have thought about, but not in depth.

I'm a single Mother, and my son's Father is not down on the Birth certificate, so he has our "family" last name. If I were to marry then I would have to discuss it "in depth" with my future husband and see how he feels about the whole thing.

It wouldn't bother me either way, Just as long as my son can keep the last name he now has and continue on our "family" name.

Guess you don't think about it until it happens.

 

[Mischka]

As you know, I took my husband's last name. We live in a patriarchal society - I either get to chose my father's family name or my husband's family name. For me, taking my husband's name symbolized that I was departing my father's family and forging ahead with my new family. Plus if I ever have kids, I don't want to deal with the mess of having different last names or those gawd-awful hyphenated ones. Just image when little Susan Smith-Jones grows up and marries Malcolm Pedersen-Kowolski. What name results from that union?

 

[lilminx]

I'm not married (and Idon't know if I ever will be), but I've always felt that my name is part of my identity. I decided at a very young age that if I do get married, I'm keeping my name. I never understood why, in this day and age, women are deferring to hteir husbands and losing part of themselves to join with him. It seems unequal to me.

I was with someone for 5 years. I always thought that we were on equal ground, but when I mentioned my feelings on the matter, he seemed upset, disappointed and dismayed. He couldn't believe that I wanted to keep my name (he was expecting that we would eventually get married). I iwas very surprised at my reaction, which, to me, was an example of what he was going to expect if I stayed with him: deferral to him.

 

[Cath!]

It was never a question...

I HATED my maiden name growing up cause I was the only one in the household with it (stepfamily chit) so I jumped at the chance to use his name...funny thing is that his sister had the same name as me til got married...so I am the second one!!

Even if I get divorced or widowed and get remarried...if my kids are still little, I will keep this name.

 

[Dynamite]

Tough subject.

I've talked about this subject w/ my potential mate. He seems to think I should take his last name no questions asked. I think it's sexist.

"My first name" "My last name" "His last name" is how I want to do it. I'll drop my middle name and just add his last name after mine. No hyphen of course.

He wants "My first name" "my middle name" "His last name". I don't really care for this way. I've had the same last name for over 30 years. I've never been any other.

Do I sound wrong?

 

[lovetoread]

I took my husbands last name.

To me it was a natural thing to do. If I marry again I would take his name also.

 

[freakygirl]

This is an odd one.. ofcourse.. what else can you expect from me?

I have my ex husbands last name.. and always will.. why?? Because it's my kid's last name.. plain and simple... my youngest daughters legal last name is hyphenated (sp?) She goes by my last name for school and such.. it's confusing to some.. some know nothing of it.. and it pisses her father off.. but oh well.. it was his choice not to be her "dad".. not mine.

 

[Mischka]

Re: Tough subject.

He wants "My first name" "my middle name" "His last name". I don't really care for this way. I've had the same last name for over 30 years. I've never been any other.

Do I sound wrong? [/B]

No decision you make is wrong. When I was changing my last name on all the official paperwork, I paused for a moment and almost went the "first name" "maiden name" "last name" route. Then I realized that my parents carefully chose my first and middle names, and I love what they chose. I didn't have the same attachment to my maiden last name. For some, it's the opposite.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I loathed my maiden name and I was glad to get rid of it. I love my name now. It's my name and my family. His family has been more of a family to me than mine ever has. When I refer to my family, I'm referring to his, not the one I had as a child.

Anyway, all of my important documents are in my married name. High school diploma, military records, veterans administration records, and all my records in education. My DD-214, which is the single most important document in my files, is in my married name.

I am not changing my last name again. One, that's erasing a good deal of my lifetime in who I am. Two, it's asking me to have to deal with a lot of shit when it comes to doing anything with the people I spend half my ltime dealing with. They're impossible to deal with as it is, changing my name would screw that. There are emotional reasons as well. It's my son's name. It's my family's name. I don't believe in that clap-trap of dropping my previous identity as if it never existed to "cleave unto my husband." I almost never use the word husband either. I am not a husbanded female.

So, if I find myself in the position of getting close to the question popping thing ever again, he'll just have to deal with that. If not, see ya. It's not my previous husband's last name, it's mine. And no, it's not a hyphenated situation either. He can change his name to mine.

 

[MunchinMark]

It's odd how people can just go with the flow on serious matters, and then you get a fairly harmless thread that is completely against the social norm. Is it so wrong to take your husband's name? Is this tradition wrong? Is the future of marriage one long row about the order of a child's surname?

I have no strong feelings about this. But the response has been very strongly skewed and it made me wonder if I was missing something.

 

[girl]

When I was 5, my mom remarried and my name was changed legally to my stepfather's last name. They got divorced when I was 14 and at that time, I decided I wanted my own last name (which is my father's). It felt much more natural for me (the stepfather's was a long Slavic name, my birth name is a short, romance language name) and it became a part of my identity. I'm marrying a Dutchman in a few months and he has a very simple name (think the Dutch equivelant of 'Smith' or 'Jones'). My previous marriage, I kept my own name; I didn't feel a need to change it. My fiance has expressed an interest in me keeping my name after we marry; after all, it is who I am. Funnily enough, this time around, I don't think I'd mind taking his name, though i do prefer my own.

Final take: I'll probably keep my name. It's me.

girl

 

[Dreamtwine]

Well I don't know what I'm going to do when it gets to that time but here's what my parents did. My mom kept her last name, I'm not sure why but nobody really seems to mind and she gave all of her children her maiden name as their middle name. I guess that way you sort of pass down both names. And for the longest time I was a mixed up child who thought that's where everybody's middle name comes from, their mom's maiden name. I personally have no objections to women keeping their own name. Somebody already said, they know they're married to you, you know you're married to them. Do you have to share a name? I don't think so.

 

[lavender]

 

[girl]

It's odd how people can just go with the flow on serious matters, and then you get a fairly harmless thread that is completely against the social norm.

I think it depends on how you define harmless. For some people, some women especially, their own sense of identity is very very serious and is tied to their name. For you, it may seem like a trivial matter, but for them, it may not be, for any number of reasons.

Is it so wrong to take your husband's name? Is this tradition wrong?

Not wrong, per se. Generally pointless is probably more accurate. How about the man take the woman's name? Do you think men would think that was fine?

girl

 

[Guest]

good question

While I have never been married and do not believe in legal marriage as a necessary factor in any relationship, I have some perspective in this regard.

I lived the first 17 (or so) years of my life with my father's last name, even though my mother had chosen to give me her maiden name on my birth certificate. It amazes me, in hindsight, that such a contradiciton was allowed as far as school records, etc. In the process of graduating high school, I rejected who I had been and what was laid before me in terms of expectations for my life.

I decided to embrace my mother's maiden name, my true legal name, and do away with the name I had lived under up to that point.

Certain old friends I run into still are confused and I offer a short, simple explanation. The separation it has provided in my life has been of benefit but under different circumstances would have been a burden that I can't see undertaking for less significant reasons.

If I ever do marry I expect her to keep her name as it is, if she had a desire to take mine then I would not object. As far as names of the children, I can't answer that. I'm not particularly tied to my family name so if they had her family name I would not be insulted, though I understand my feelings might change once the decision must be made. Hyphenation is a disaster, in my eyes, I would prefer to avoid.

unregistered to protect the innocent as well as the guilty

 

[patient1]

It's not a big deal to me.

But I 'd probably prefer that all the children were named after her than to have all that hyphenated crap.

 

[Gilly Bean]

I got married 4 years ago this summer. I still have my own last name, but we plan on changing it.

Why we havn't? God, now I have to go into a story that shows me to be rather lazy.


After our ceremony, my mother took our marriage certificate for 'safe keeping', and forgot to give it back. Her whole reasoning was so that we wouldn't lose it. Guess what happened? Yup, she lost it.

So, after 2 and a half years, she finally located it, and gave it to us. After that, we just hadn't gotten to it, but then I got pregnant this last time, and all my medical info was in my last name, so we kept it that way to avoid billing problems and issues. NOW, we finally intend to get it changed.


As for kids, we had two after being married, and we gave both of them his name, because that's our family name.

 

[Topher]

Not wrong, per se. Generally pointless is probably more accurate. How about the man take the woman's name? Do you think men would think that was fine?

girl

funny you should mention this. I know a girl named Kristina Moy-Ling Wong. Her father is Chinese, but you wouldn't know it.
She just got married. Her husband's name is Shane I-Forget, but, since she won't change her name, he is going change his name to "Shane Wong" when they have children.
He's a smart guy, but he is total East Tennessee (accent and dips).



Neither one of them looks the least bit Asian!

 

[Fly_On_Wall]

If my wife didn't want to take my name I'd understand that...

My last name actualy comes with a curse. no I won't say what that is in a public chat cause it will give away what my last name is, and I don't want that.

however i'd not take my wifes last name.... NO not cause i'm sexist. It's cause I have a fucked up head. and if I changed my name ooooo boy would I have an even worse time with things. this would be another reason I'd understand if she didn't want my name... who is to say the same problem woudln't happen to her. It's all up to what she want's to do so long as we make each other happy....


"A rose by any other name will still smell as sweet."

 

[kiwiwolf]

Okay... here's a new twist to the thread.

Our family, me, my ex, and four kids, all have different last names. The reasoning behind this is simple to us, and confusing to outsiders. Both my ex and I have major issues with our fathers. Mine was the town drunk in a town that had many spectacular drunks. While going through my teenage years I was always known as XXXXX's son; I had no identity of my own. My claim to fame was being the son of the town drunk.

My ex's father abandoned her at an early age. The kids have their own last names and their own identities. If, in the future, they want to change their last names, that would be great, but right now they are four beautiful kids with their own names, identities and personalities.

Does it bother them? Not at all. They enjoy the novelty and the uniqueness of it. Does it bother me or my ex? Obviously not. A name is a label. My kids are unique, and deserve unique labels.

 

[TonyG]

For the men, would it bother you if your future wife didn't want to take your name? Or is it really no big deal.

I feel that if a women wants to take her husbands last name in any form, then she is giving him a wonderful gift of love.

I see no problem with a women keeping her own name.