Taking Away The Safeword

[Chicklet]

Hey all,

I received an e-mail from a reader about one of my stories. He said it was unrealistic because of a few things, and he sounded so sincere I want to ask you. Maybe I've misunderstood a lot of things about the lifestyle.

In your relationship, do you use safewords? Are you planning on taking them away when your relationship gets serious? Do you think that having a safeword takes the power from the Dom and puts it in the sub's hands?

Subs, do you feel that a safeword gives you freedom? Do you feel that you have the upper hand in a scene if you have a safeword?

Chicklet

 

[Chicklet]

oh, and do you believe that a safe-word signifies a temporary relationship? Would a serious, full time relationship not have a safeword?

 

[His_sugar]

i definately have to post to this thread, i think i just need to get my thoughts on the topic clearly together before doing so..

i have a feeling this topic is going to spur many reactions.. sit back and buckle your seatbelt *s*

basque

 

[Richard49]

I have been in and around this lifestyle since I was 15 years old
I am 53 now

I have found female submissives who fight having a safe word are dangerious. THat not having one at any point in the relationship is dangerious

 

[WillowPuss]

Hi Chicklet *waves*


As you know, I am in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I have been for almost a year now. I have a safeword and wouldn't be without one for a number of reasons ...

*I have arthritis and occasionally may 'lock' when in bondage. I need to be able to let R know that I am in need of having limbs straightened.

*What you may be able to take one day without any trouble, may be just too much another day. Unless the Dom/me cares nothing about the sub, they need to know that a limit has been reached on this particular day. (I am talking about scene type floggings/canings/spankings/whatever - not punnishment ones.)


Some people say that 'slaves' have no need of a safeword - but, in my opinion, they are an essential ingredient for both the Dom/me and the sub.
Just because I safeword out doesn't mean that I have gained the upper hand. Example -

I safeworded during a fisting. I was very tight that day and the pain was passing into the sphere of an 'ouchie' type pain rather than a 'hmmmmmmmmmmmmm' type pain. I gave myself the slow count of 100 after the pain began to see if it was just temporary ... but it was getting worse.
The fisting ended, but the scene continued with R inserting the largest vibe we had whilst playing roughly with my clit.



I think what I am trying (in such a roundabout way) is - the Dom/me, if they are worth their salt, will always have the upper hand by altering the scene and retaining control even though one element of it has been halted.


(BTW - what story?)

 

[NemoAlia]

I think that playing without a safeword can be something that comes along with a long-term relationship. I mean, the theory is that by the time you're committed to someone, s/he knows your limits and you trust him/her to respect them, right?

But WillowPuss does make a good point about medical emergencies and so forth. But theoretically, a couple could deal with those without having a safeword by trusting the submissive to use his/her higher verbal skills to communicate a problem. I mean: Instead of saying "Red, red, red, dammit!" a submissive in this case might say, "Please, Sir, my joints are locking up."

I'm not sure how this would translate into play that involved a gag, though.

 

[WillowPuss]

But theoretically, a couple could deal with those without having a safeword by trusting the submissive to use his/her higher verbal skills to communicate a problem. I mean: Instead of saying "Red, red, red, dammit!" a submissive in this case might say, "Please, Sir, my joints are locking up."

I'm not sure how this would translate into play that involved a gag, though.

The only problem is ... often I am so far 'gone' it is all I can do to verbalise a yellow.

I have never yet used red.

Usually, after I have yellowed, R will ease up sufficienly to allow me to come down a little to explain exactly what the problem is.

 

[NemoAlia]

Hmmm... good point, Willow. (And by the way, I knew I was exaggerating when I wrote "Red, red, red, dammit!" I could never actually imagine those impatient words coming out of your mouth.)

All right, so maybe the safeword is the best thing. I do know many couples who play without it. I wonder what allows them to function?

 

[MissTaken]

I can imagine not needing a safe word. Yes, when two people have been together a very long time and in the context of BDSM, it is likely there will come a time when a safe word isn't necessary.

It is a good tool to have, for reasons beyond the "Not now, I have a headache." Unfortunately, I believe that it can be used as such, but if so, is that person truly submitting?

A safe word not only empowers the submissive, but the Dominant as well. In terms of being able to understand the submissive's needs, the Dominant is better able to gauge reaction, slow down or stop as needed and then, not leave a bitter taste after a scene. Also, with the knowledge that the submissive has the safe word, the Dominant can continue doing whatever pleases him or her, knowing that no lines or boundaries are being crossed. The sky is the limit until and if there is a safe word to be used.

Now, for me, I will always have one. I am hypoglycemic and when my blood sugar is low, the physical symptoms seem much liek arousal. (trembling, sweating, struggle to speak coherently.) AS such a safe word or gestrue that says, "Help! I need m&m's" is a good thing!)

As a sub, the safeword doesn't give me the upper hand. It is very difficult to use and I probably feel worse than a Dominant when I have to use it. While the reasoning may be good, in using the word when in a totally submissive headspace, I feel like I have "copped out" and feel very sad and disappointed in myself. On the one occasion I used the safeword, He told me in reviewing the scene that it pleased Him that I trusted Him to respect the safeword and further, pleased Him that I tried again, to complete the act.

I hope this helps.

There are lots of safe word links, but it is a discussion I can never have enough of!

Could you link the story so that we may be better able to address the issue at hand?

Thanks, hon!

 

[NemoAlia]

. . . . a safe word or gestrue that says, "Help! I need m&m's" is a good thing!) . . . .

Man, this is one safeword you'd better keep to yourself. Imagine what would happen if the three-year-olds of this planet figured it out. I fear even to think of the consequences of that universal sugar high!

 

[Richard49]

I was with one submissive 13 years.
She never used her safe word
I am more then glad we had it though

 

[Zaudika]

I was with one submissive 13 years.
She never used her safe word
I am more then glad we had it though

Very well put Richard.

My personal opinion is that in all relationships, long term, short
term, there should always be a safeword.

Sometimes things happen; 20 years down the road you may have never used one, but *something* could still happen out of the blue that would cause the need for it. I think having it there inside of BDSM relationships when there's such a level of control over the submissive's body, is a need.

Now, I do also think that in a long term, healthy bdsm relationship that it shouldn't have to be used, hardly, if at all. Let's face it, if you've been in a D/s relationship for several years and you're having to use a safeword constantly. Something is probably not right.

It goes the same for short term in my opinion though. My personal feeling is that a Dom should be taking things slow enough, and carefully enough, watching and learning the body language, 'knowing' that they don't know you completely yet, .. that the use of the safeword wouldn't be needed hardly ever.

Other than once in my past D/s relationships I've never had to use a safeword. I've been pushed very close several times, but those are moments that I cherish, I really enjoy having my limits pushed to the edge.

 

[s'lara]

Non-negotiable

A safeword should never be non-negotiable. God, that is so incredibly dangerous. Whether it is used is another matter. Like Richard said, at least He was glad He had it and that is the point. There is ... heh ... safety in knowing you can rely on it to avoid being permanently harmed.

The dynamic of each relationship is different, however, the safeword aspect of it should be a constant that never changes.

Good luck to those who venture forth without one ... and please, be careful.

 

[lark sparrow]

Hmmm... good point, Willow. (And by the way, I knew I was exaggerating when I wrote "Red, red, red, dammit!" I could never actually imagine those impatient words coming out of your mouth.)

All right, so maybe the safeword is the best thing. I do know many couples who play without it. I wonder what allows them to function?

We don't have any official safewords either. "Wait (please)" or "break, please" is just as easy as "yellow", as is "stop (please)" as short as "red". It wouldn't work in "forced" play, but neither of us are into pretending resistance so feel comfortable with saying exactly what is meant.

Although She will listen to and read me, I think it gives Her a bit more leeway in Her domination - rather then me calling "RED" and having the power to halt everything immediately without question. There would be a big difference between saying "OMG that really hurts!" and Her saying "Yes, it supposed to - only two more." and me saying "ACK! I think You just broke something!" which would pretty much halt everything.

And She prefers I just use regular English. It seems quicker to say "my arm is numb" rather than "yellow" "what's wrong?" "my arm is numb". I don't have a major preference either way, if She wanted me to have a specific safewordish safeword that would be fine too. I agree with sometimes being too gone to articulate much, which is where trust comes in, as then any word may be hard to come up with - there is some inherent risk either way.

I can see in riskier play were one or both of us feeling more cautious - perhaps a concrete safeword might have more appeal or comfort, but so far we haven't had need. Of course, this in no way endorses not having a safeword! It's just the way we have dealt with it so far. And I would definitely want and have had a safeword in causal play with someone relatively new to me.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Safewords are NOT just for the the safety of the submissive they are also an extra assistance to a Dominant who may be in a mood to push a limit a little harder than usual. It gives Her or Him a freedom to be able to move forward knowing that if it is just beyond bearable the sub has a *no guilt* *no fault* *respectful* way to end the scene.
The colors are standardly understood but they are not the only way to safeword out..a long term relationship will over time fall into its own way if the colors do not feel necessary to be understood.
My slave has only had to safeword once in 3 years...he simply said..*please Mistressssss* in a way that I recognize as his being on the brink of tears. I will never allow him to be without a safeword even though he feels that he trusts Me 100% at all times.

 

[slvjenn]

This is always a touchy subject with people for some reason...

We have a safeword though I've never needed to use it. I have "yellowed" out numerous times. Most times when I yellowed, it was something that had been no problem in the past, but for whatever reason that day it wasn't something I could do.

I also view a safeword something of a consent. In otherwords I'm always saying yes until I safeword. Even if I'm saying no with my words, my action of not saying "red" means i just need to be "convinced" (however you'd want to phrase that) i really want it.

Would I ever go without a safeword?

Yes, I think I would, at least with my current partner. Not only because he knows where I can be taken and how far I can go, but also because I'd very likely be willing to go further than he would.

 

[Richard49]

I need to add that with one or more of the proticals
safewords are not allowed once the submisive is collared

 

[bunny bondage]

safewords are handy because the dom/me might not always know exactly what's happening in every muscle, bone or tendon in the sub's body. i broke my foot when i was a kid, and sometimes it cramps up with UNBELIEVABLE pain. now, there's no way that He could physically see this coming, or know that it was happening, so i feel the need to have the ability to say "stop!" and really mean it. also, this is true for everyone (even those without broken footsies!) because there's all kinds of cramps or strains that may be taking place in a regular position, and the dom/me really can't see this sort of thing.

as for the issue of safewords in a long-term commited relationship, i personally think they're still a good idea. part of the fun of sex is trying new things, new toys, new activities, new punsihments, etc. and sometimes, new things suck. i want to always retain the ability, even twenty years down the road, to say "nope! that is just NOT for me!"

on a more personal note:

i had to say stop the other day. we were having a day-long marathon fuck session. He'd already cum several times, but still wanted more. i, on the other hand, was very sore (this particular fuck-fest was after about a week of wild sex) and i just couldn't take it. i thought i could, i hoped i could, but when He entered me and started slowly moving in and out of me, it was too much. i didn't want to say stop, i held my tongue and hoped that the pain would pass. but He could tell that something was wrong, and persisted in asking me about it until i broke down and said "i'm just too sore!". i started crying. i mean REALLY crying. i somehow felt like i had failed Him, and myself. He was quick to wrap me up in His arms and soothe me, telling me that He wasn't at all upset with me, that i had to accept my body's physical limitations, that He wasn't dissapointed with me. i wept into His chest telling Him how sorry i was, and He told me there was nothing to be sorry for. it was very comforting to know that He cares enough about me to not try to push me past my limits and do something i wouldn't enjoy (and would probably regret for days later). so after i was calm and assured that i hadn't let Him down, He made sure i was ok and i then went on to finish Him off orally. i felt much better knowing that i could still please Him, and that saying no isn't something to be afraid of.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I need to add that with one or more of the proticals
safewords are not allowed once the submisive is collared

My submissive wears a real time collar which he has worn for two years..he will continue to have a safeword because I believe in them.

 

[lark sparrow]

Seems most agree that communication and consensual practices are important and necessary. Some want formal, very clearly defined, ritualized "traffic light" safewords, and others use more loosely defined or less formal, though clearly communicated, expressions that make us feel ultimately safe and mutually understood.

 

[Richard49]

My submissive wears a real time collar which he has worn for two years..he will continue to have a safeword because I believe in them.

In case someone might misunderstand I believe in them BIG TIME

 

[Shadowsdream]

In case someone might misunderstand I believe in them BIG TIME

Thank You for the clarification Richard.

 

[FungiUg]

I don't use safewords per se. Instead, I make it clear that I don't play around with the word "no", so if a submissive says "no", or "stop", or "slow down" etc... I will do so.

That sounds like the submissive is in control, right?

Well, yes.

Control is a gift, I don't own it. And a submissive allows me to control her as a gift. It's still her control. If she needs to regain control for any reason, so be it. For me, the joy of control is knowing that it's continually being given, and it's not assumed on my behalf.

Does that make sense?

 

[Chicklet]

I need to add that with one or more of the proticals
safewords are not allowed once the submisive is collared

this is something I'd never heard of - thanks - maybe this is what my reader was commenting on.

Chicklet

 

[Richard49]

this is something I'd never heard of - thanks - maybe this is what my reader was commenting on.

Chicklet

the only one that comes ot mind is the Gor protical