Takes a deep breath

[CeriseNoire]

Hi everyone,

I stopped writing poetry, though it was my favorite type of writing, because nothing I wrote met my own standards. I figure it's time for me to stop thinking of it as a talent I should have, and start looking at it as something I need to work on.

So, I would appreciate some feedback on this poem. I would like to know what you think overall, and any suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks.

ETA take 2: OK then, call me fickle. It's back, though I'll still do a rewrite.

smelling
touching
tasting you
makes me
ooze
in anticipation
of promised pleasure

will you
tongue me
tantalizingly
tease me?

perhaps
you will
simply
kiss me
with
your lips
your hands
your sex

until I am covered
in your smell
in your touch
in your taste
and scream silently
that I am yours alone

 

[christabelll]

One of my dearest friends is from France, and your writing reminds me of his.
Short. Sweet. To the point.
WHile it says little, it SAYS tons.
THanks for sharing....

 

[WickedEve]

Hi everyone,

I stopped writing poetry, though it was my favorite type of writing, because nothing I wrote met my own standards. I figure it's time for me to stop thinking of it as a talent I should have, and start looking at it as something I need to work on.

So, I would appreciate some feedback on this poem. I would like to know what you think overall, and any suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks.

Good attitude! Keep writing. And make sure you don't forget to read poetry.

The poem you shared is (I hate to say it again) all Tell and No Show. You are telling me what's going one, much like you'd tell me what you bought at the store. Show me some images with your words. Let me see what's happening through your poetic descriptions.
And it's cliché. Your phrases have been done to death. Probably happened while you weren't looking.
But not to worry! We all start out this way. Well, maybe not Rainman or Angeline, or a few others, but a lot of us do.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Good attitude! Keep writing. And make sure you don't forget to read poetry.

The poem you shared is (I hate to say it again) all Tell and No Show. You are telling me what's going one, much like you'd tell me what you bought at the store. Show me some images with your words. Let me see what's happening through your poetic descriptions.
And it's cliché. Your phrases have been done to death. Probably happened while you weren't looking.
But not to worry! We all start out this way. Well, maybe not Rainman or Angeline, or a few others, but a lot of us do.

Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback. Sorry there was nothing good in the poem.

And christabelll, it's interesting you'd say that. French is my first language, so poetry in that language was my first influence. Maybe some of the structure is left over from that. Thanks for reading as well.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback. Sorry there was nothing good in the poem.

And christabelll, it's interesting you'd say that. French is my first language, so poetry in that language was my first influence. Maybe some of the structure is left over from that. Thanks for reading as well.

I tend to agree with Eve although I would NOT say there's nothing good in your poem. I think there are a lot of tantalizing lines that cry out for more. By more I mean examples of what it all felt, smelled, tasted like, sounded like, looked like. I think that is what Eve means by Showing vs. Telling.

But welcome to this forum, It's a nice place here, lots of helpful feedback for those who want it. And kudos to you for writing in a language other than your first. I've done it a few times (in Spanish), and marvel at those of you who are so good at it.

 

[CeriseNoire]

I tend to agree with Eve although I would NOT say there's nothing good in your poem. I think there are a lot of tantalizing lines that cry out for more. By more I mean examples of what it all felt, smelled, tasted like, sounded like, looked like. I think that is what Eve means by Showing vs. Telling.

But welcome to this forum, It's a nice place here, lots of helpful feedback for those who want it. And kudos to you for writing in a language other than your first. I've done it a few times (in Spanish), and marvel at those of you who are so good at it.

Thanks for the welcome. I've been working on adding the same in my fiction, but it's so much more difficult in poetry. Anyway I can't take too much credit for writing in English, I've been here for a good decade now. But thanks for the compliment , and even more so for the feedback.

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback. Sorry there was nothing good in the poem.

And christabelll, it's interesting you'd say that. French is my first language, so poetry in that language was my first influence. Maybe some of the structure is left over from that. Thanks for reading as well.

There was something good that came from it. You wrote a poem. You're interested in improving. I'm sure others will like it. It's just that I've read a lot of the same thing here and elsewhere. It takes more to excite me now.

 

[Angeline]

There was something good that came from it. You wrote a poem. You're interested in improving. I'm sure others will like it. It's just that I've read a lot of the same thing here and elsewhere. It takes more to excite me now.

I can't believe how mean you are.

I think I speak on behalf of the forum in asking for a poem about what excites you now. (Feets don't fail me now.)

 

[WickedEve]

I can't believe how mean you are.

I think I speak on behalf of the forum in asking for a poem about what excites you now. (Feets don't fail me now.)

The one you sent me kind of excited me. I moved a little. There was an involuntary twitch. I coughed.

 

[Angeline]

The one you sent me kind of excited me. I moved a little. There was an involuntary twitch. I coughed.

I coughed twice when I wrote it. And EE has the hiccups.

 

[WickedEve]

I coughed twice when I wrote it. And EE has the hiccups.

We're partying now.

 

[champagne1982]

Hi CeriseNoir,

Welcome to the PF&D. I hope you continue to stay brave and share your poetry. I know how hard it is to put a piece of yourself out there and have people tell you what they see wrong with your presentation.

That's what we do here. It's always about the poetry, not neccessarily the poet. If you keep that in mind, then it's easier to absorb the teaching that true critique brings.

I'd like to see the lines in your poem longer. We don't tend to speak in lists but when we see single word lines on the page, people read the words as if they are one. It's too bad you took your poem down before you had more replies. I'd have liked to give you a specific illustration of how I think it would read if you changed your line breaks.

Don't be put off. Please keep writing and sharing your words. It gets easier and you'll be amazed at how your poetry changes over time.

 

[TheRainMan]

. . .
ETA: Since the purpose of this thread has been served, however briefly, there is no need to leave it up.

that was quick.

take another deep breath, and put it back.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thank you champagne1982 and TheRainMan. I have a rewrite in mind that I'll post when it's done. It's interesting you mentioned line breaks, because that was one of my concerns as well.

In any case, I don't mind critique at all (I get a lot in the Story feedback Forum), there's just something about the delivery. The main reason I started writing again was because I felt ready to grow, and that won't happen without the critique.
Thanks again for the welcome.

 

[Angeline]

that was quick.

take another deep breath, and put it back.

And put up another too. That's how the adventure begins.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Still breathing

And put up another too. That's how the adventure begins.

OK. I'm still working on that rewrite (which is turning out to be something else entirely), but I'll take your advice.
I'm still tweaking this one, but I'm wondering if it's to abstract, or if it actually makes sense to people who don't live in my head. That and wonder if some things are too obvious on the other hand.

The Gatekeeper

She stands before the gilded door,
a Gorgon in disguise.
A cigarette hangs from
the requisite apple red lips,
as she waves away those who would enter.

Her green eyes gleam
when she laughs their dreams into shame
and crushes their hopes
beneath her fancy heels.

The day's work over,
she bolts the door.
She goes home.

She settles in her empty bed,
comfortable in the cold.
In the black arms of Hypnos,
She dreams of tomorrows
That will taste as sweet as tears.

 

[darkerdreamer]

The Gatekeeper

She stands before the gilded door,
a Gorgon in disguise.
A cigarette hangs from
the requisite apple red lips,
as she waves away those who would enter.

Her green eyes gleam
when she laughs their dreams into shame
and crushes their hopes
beneath her fancy heels.

The day's work over,
she bolts the door.
She goes home.

She settles in her empty bed,
comfortable in the cold.
In the black arms of Hypnos,
She dreams of tomorrows
That will taste as sweet as tears.

This is only fundamental critique, haven't read this enough times to throw in critique on the poetic devices, yet.

A cigarette hangs from
the requisite apple red lips,
as she waves away those who would enter.

A pause after lips seems unnecessary in the way I am currently reading this, with alternate wording it might work.

The day's work over,
she bolts the door.
She goes home.

Is there a reason a comma was chosen for the first line rather than a period? A period would provide a common thread between these three lines which just smacks of poetry-o-city.

In the black arms of Hypnos,
She dreams of tomorrows

She should be lowercase unless you meant for it to be uppercase, in which case all other "SHE"s and "HER"s should begin capitalized.

Will get back with some more in depth analysis once I get into the guts of this piece.

 

[Angeline]

OK. I'm still working on that rewrite (which is turning out to be something else entirely), but I'll take your advice.
I'm still tweaking this one, but I'm wondering if it's to abstract, or if it actually makes sense to people who don't live in my head. That and wonder if some things are too obvious on the other hand.

The Gatekeeper

She stands before the gilded door,
a Gorgon in disguise.
A cigarette hangs from
the requisite apple red lips,
as she waves away those who would enter.

Her green eyes gleam
when she laughs their dreams into shame
and crushes their hopes
beneath her fancy heels.

The day's work over,
she bolts the door.
She goes home.

She settles in her empty bed,
comfortable in the cold.
In the black arms of Hypnos,
She dreams of tomorrows
That will taste as sweet as tears.

I like this better than the first poem you posted because there are stronger, clearer images. I'd still cut back on some extra, maybe unnecessary words. For example:

The Gatekeeper

She stands before the gilded door,
a Gorgon in disguise.
A cigarette hangs from
the requisite red lips.
She waves away those
who would enter.

Her green eyes gleam
She laughs their dreams
into shame, crushes hopes
beneath her fancy heels. [I'd use something other than fancy to be more descriptive--"shiny" "patent" "spiky"?]

The day's work over,
she bolts the door.
She goes home. [I thought this was the door to her home--if not maybe another line or two to clarify?]

She settles in her empty bed,
comfortable in the cold
black arms of Hypnos,
to dream of tomorrows
that taste as sweet as tears.

That's my take on it, one way it could go (and obviously there are many). It's food for thought. I hope you find it helpful, if not, no worries.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Quite helpful

This is only fundamental critique, haven't read this enough times to throw in critique on the poetic devices, yet.

A cigarette hangs from
the requisite apple red lips,
as she waves away those who would enter.

A pause after lips seems unnecessary in the way I am currently reading this, with alternate wording it might work.

The day's work over,
she bolts the door.
She goes home.

Is there a reason a comma was chosen for the first line rather than a period? A period would provide a common thread between these three lines which just smacks of poetry-o-city.

In the black arms of Hypnos,
She dreams of tomorrows

She should be lowercase unless you meant for it to be uppercase, in which case all other "SHE"s and "HER"s should begin capitalized.

Will get back with some more in depth analysis once I get into the guts of this piece.

Thanks a lot for the critique. For the first point you mentioned, I think Angeline's suggestion would take care of that. As for the comma, that line has no verb which is why I didn't use a period. Do you think adding a verb and making it its own sentence would work? That particular stanza is giving me a hard time. I wanted a sort of break, but it didn't quite work out. Where that "she" is concerned, I meant to have that lowercase. I just missed the autocapitalization there.

Angeline, thank you as well. I actually like your first suggestion better than the long line as it is now. As for the heels, I originally had shiny, then pointy, but I think patent might work. Keeping the gate is supposed to be her job, so I definitely need to make that clear. Now I mean for the bed to be cold, rather than the arms. I may switch the order of things there a little.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks a lot for the critique. For the first point you mentioned, I think Angeline's suggestion would take care of that. As for the comma, that line has no verb which is why I didn't use a period. Do you think adding a verb and making it its own sentence would work? That particular stanza is giving me a hard time. I wanted a sort of break, but it didn't quite work out. Where that "she" is concerned, I meant to have that lowercase. I just missed the autocapitalization there.

Angeline, thank you as well. I actually like your first suggestion better than the long line as it is now. As for the heels, I originally had shiny, then pointy, but I think patent might work. Keeping the gate is supposed to be her job, so I definitely need to make that clear. Now I mean for the bed to be cold, rather than the arms. I may switch the order of things there a little.

I like "patent" because it can be taken a few ways. Glad to help the editing process along.

 

[darkerdreamer]

Thanks a lot for the critique. For the first point you mentioned, I think Angeline's suggestion would take care of that. As for the comma, that line has no verb which is why I didn't use a period. Do you think adding a verb and making it its own sentence would work? That particular stanza is giving me a hard time. I wanted a sort of break, but it didn't quite work out. Where that "she" is concerned, I meant to have that lowercase. I just missed the autocapitalization there.

Angeline, thank you as well. I actually like your first suggestion better than the long line as it is now. As for the heels, I originally had shiny, then pointy, but I think patent might work. Keeping the gate is supposed to be her job, so I definitely need to make that clear. Now I mean for the bed to be cold, rather than the arms. I may switch the order of things there a little.

Well, for that line you can take several routes. As it is poetry, you are not bound to the rules and obligations of punctuation, capitalization, form, and so forth unless you decide to adhere to one or more of those rules in your piece. You could simply put in a period, you could use a verb and make it a sentence, you could make it an intentional fragment, and you could switch to "Her" work which opens up all new possibilities for the formation of that sentence. I really do like that stanza though, it is the poetic equivalent of a movie montage and I think it was very well done.

Also, “patent heels” is a great image and phrase. Although when I first read it I thought it was "patient heels". (but I liked that, too )

 

[CeriseNoire]

Well, for that line you can take several routes. As it is poetry, you are not bound to the rules and obligations of punctuation, capitalization, form, and so forth unless you decide to adhere to one or more of those rules in your piece. You could simply put in a period, you could use a verb and make it a sentence, you could make it an intentional fragment, and you could switch to "Her" work which opens up all new possibilities for the formation of that sentence. I really do like that stanza though, it is the poetic equivalent of a movie montage and I think it was very well done.

Also, “patent heels” is a great image and phrase. Although when I first read it I thought it was "patient heels". (but I liked that, too )

Thanks for the help. I think making it its own sentence might make it sharper if I can manage.

 

[CeriseNoire]

So this is what I managed

... nevermind. Working through another edit.

 

[vanslyker]

It works...there is definitely an irressitable current there...I'd love to hear more!
reminds me of some of my early erotic work, short rhythmic lines like they were trying to catch there breath...I need to find them...good work!

 

[CeriseNoire]

It works...there is definitely an irressitable current there...I'd love to hear more!
reminds me of some of my early erotic work, short rhythmic lines like they were trying to catch there breath...I need to find them...good work!

Thanks. I just posted the rewritten versions along with a third poem today.