Taken

[destinie21]

Hey I was hoping at least one person would be interested in reading and reviewing my story Taken . The stroy involves a slight bit of mild dominance, here's an excerpt.

My fingers were already at the waistband of her jeans, while my lips burned a path from her lips to her neck. I slipped my fingers into her unbuttoned jeans and ran them over her wetness. I laughed I had been here less than three minutes and she was already wet for me, still protests were whispered from parted lips.

I lifted my head from her neck.

"Shut up." It was a demand not a request.

Her back arched and her hips rose to meet my thrusting fingers, as I continued my relentless possession. She had told me many times over that I owned her. I had seen the words typed on the computer screen and heard them panted over the phone now I was here to take what was mine.

If you're at all interested follow the link Taken

Thanks in advance. BTW any and all feedback is welcome.
Regards D21

 

[IvoryTurtle]

My opinion on Taken

First off, I would just like to tell you that I have been surfing this site for almost two years now. I've read every story in the Lesbian section twice and all of the ones listed in Group sex once, atleast. I applaud many of the authors who have taken the time to share their talents here.

As sort of a reminder, I started a list of my most favorite authors so I could check back with them on their newest submissions. After reading The Bitch you became number seven on my little list. Doesn't sound like much, however, after two years there are only 15 authors that I really, really can't get enough of. LoL

Second, Taken...
This story wasn't exaclty MY cup of tea, but that doesn't mean it wasn't good. It was. My only complaint is it's length. LoL
I'm just not a "quicky" kind of girl. I like to be lead into a story and along the way, inspired by the characters.

None-the-less, I gave it a rating of 3. Taken was an easy read. I feel that the flow of the words was awesome and your editorial skills made it worth time it took to read it. Again, I applaud you. Keep up the good work and I look forward to your next submission.

Donzie

PS..this is the first time I've posted an opinion. I hope I did it right. If not, oopsie! LoL :0)

 

[hiddenself]

As with other stories of yours, it would benefit from serious editing. You have various kinds of problems with sentence structure and punctuation.

Of the first ten sentences, six start with "I" and another two start with "She" (I did this, she did that). And there's other serious trouble too.

I took a moment to check my face in the rearview mirror flawless as usual.

Here you have two things stuck together without so much as a comma. Actually, I think an em-dash is called for:
I took a moment to check my face in the rearview mirror--flawless as usual.

I looked down into her eyes and kissed her lips, she hadn't been done speaking but I didn't care.

Siimilar problem here. The simplest solution seems to break this into two separate sentences:
I looked down into her eyes and kissed her lips. She hadn't been done speaking but I didn't care.

(Hadn't been done speaking? That's awfully awkward. Hadn't finished speaking?)

But that solution is boring (I did this, she did that). You need to be a little more flexible. Perhaps something like:
My eyes locked with hers and my mouth covered hers, interrupting her in mid-word.
Pick your own words and style, but your writing is now flat, dry. It cries out for some imagery, some flavor. But that's for later. First, you need to take care of the basics.

Here's another offense of the same kind (your story is full of these):

I laughed I had been here less than three minutes and she was already wet for me, still protests were whispered from parted lips.

There are also a number of expressions that made me do a double-take. I mentioned "hadn't been done speaking" above. There's also:

"Tousle [hair] carelessly"
(you can do it carefully too?)

"Shut up" that was "a demand not a request" (can it be anything else?)

"Say my name for me pet let me know that it's mine." (what's hers, the name?)

and on and on.

In fact, looking at your one-sentence "biography" in your profile, the same sloppiness rears its ugly head:

Not to much to say really ,I'm a female who loves sexy woman.High Heels and short skirts.

Pulease!

On these technique issues alone, the writing is poor.

The storyline is not particularly ambitious. However, to a certain extent, this is a plus here. You have a fairly straight-forward and simple tale -- two scenes, actually -- so the inadequacies of technique are not terribly grating.

On the flipside, why is this exciting, why is it special? There is no particular feature that draws us in. Who are these people? Who is the girl? Nicola? What's the connection between the first scene and the second? It's as if the first scene was too short for a story, so you spliced something relatively unrelated to double it. If you wanted to juxtapose the Pet vs. the Renza situations, something more in terms of background or explanation might be helpful -- something on characters, motivations, goals. All this is lacking from the story.

All in all, IMO, you need a lot of work on the basics of writing.

 

[kinkspeak]

oooh...ouch

hiddenself - even though you were addressing destinie, I learned or rather remembered much of writing basics from your post. You reminded me immediately of my grade 13 writing teacher. Best teacher I had even though she was slightly besotted with certain particulars such as avoiding usage of the following words - "suddenly " (well, that's understandable) - "nice" (my father would chastise me if I dared describe any I eat as "nice") and "started" (as well as starting, starts and all variations of that verb).
I'll have to go back and edit my stories for the .... 27th time?

 

[destinie21]

Thanks I wanted feedback, maybe not such bitchy feedback but whatever. I have never denied being a lazy editor of my own stories and posts. This story is for a friend and she'll understand the background just fine, but I should add in some backstory for the readers I suppose.

Anyway thanks

Regards D21 <---- off to edit and such