Take Me

[~Dream~]

this poem is dedicated to My Love
Take Me
Take me oh take me into your arms
Display unto me your infinite charms
Show me all that's love
Make my life all anew
Take away all this pain
Fill with memories of you

Fuck me so deeply,I can't stand any more
I need you so baby,take me till I'm sore
With your seed deep inside me
My new life begins
Take me,crave me,Lover
Free me from my past sins

 

[WickedEve]

Thank you for sharing.

You do want feedback, don't you? I have some suggestions.

In the first stanza you use phrases like:
"Take me oh take"
"Display unto me your infinite charms"
"Make my life all anew"

In the second stanza you use:
"fuck me so deeply" (glad you used deeply and not deep)
"I need you so baby"

I think this particular poem would read better if you were more consistent. Either stay with the rather formal sounding words (like "unto") that you use in the first stanza, or go with the more casual ("fuck me" and "baby") feel that's in the second stanza.

I think the first stanza is good, dream. Though I would lengthen the last 4 lines.

"Display unto me your infinite charms" goes from 10 syllables to 5 in the next line.
For example, you could try:
Take me, oh take me into your arms
Display unto me your infinite charms
Open my eyes to all that is love
My life in your hands, make it anew

"I need you so baby,take me till I'm sore" doesn't sound poetic.
And the rhythm is off in the second stanza.

I hope this helps some.

 

[Ancient117331]

Thinking...

Artful,

I read it aloud...several times. I read Eve's comments as well.

I like your thought and concept, I dislike the disjointedness and
lack of 'flow'. I understand being caught up in emotion - but
for this one, that very emotion begins to 'feel' forced - like you
are trying to fit words to this place - Lit - instead of what you
really feel within.

I've never believed in following a syllabic pattern - let the words
follow or fall as they will - naturally. But yours seem... unnatural.
i could give suggestion or show a rewrite - based on my own
style or taste... but that would be an injustice and is not what
I think you asked for. If this IS really you and your style - then
I apologize for my mistaken perception... its just I saw so much
more within your thought that your chosen words and form
didn't allow to come out.

Chris Twyford
Ancient117331

 

[~Dream~]

With Artful's permission,

of Course i want comments...
Wicked& Ancient ,ty both for your thoughtful suggestions:
here is my revised version , and am hoping it sounds better ,striving to perfect it..
Take Me
Take me oh take me into Your arms
Display unto me,Your infinite charms
Open my eyes to all of Your love
My life in Your hands,make it anew

Make love to me deeply,till I want for no more
My need for You fills the air with lust
With You deeply inside me, my new life begins
Love only me darling,free me from my past sins


ok that was attempt no 2 what do ya think?/