Take a look please

[scottmcc]

I have a story I am working on at the moment that I need some help on. I'm decided in where I want to take it, I just want to make sure it works all the way through.

I also need a title.

So here it goes:


Blinking into existence, his first thought was that everything was incredibly white and sterile. As his nose began to work once again he realized he was in a hospital and that was not good. His arm was in a sling and his leg was raised, broken or bruised was his guess. Beyond the rhythmic beeping of the machine next to him he began to hear something more, voices.

He tried to speak and found he could not, his throat was dry. Clearing it he looked for some sort of call button. There it was, dangling above his head, in perfect reach of his arm in the sling. He chuckled and coughed, the talking stopped. The white parted and people poured through.

Their faces were stained with tears and stretched by smiles. The voices began a jumble of noise too much to understand. Everyone was talking to him.

“Water,” he was able to croak out.

They laughed and soon a plastic cup of water was brought to his lips. Each moment his eyes began to see more, his ears began to hear each individual voice, and the sterile smell was getting stronger. Soon he began to actually hear the words that each voice said.

“I was so worried…”

“Do you need an extra pillow…”

“Get the doctor…”

“Slow down please,” he said after a long sip of water.

The people smiled and looked at him.

“I have some questions.” He saw them nod. “How long have I been out?”

“Almost a month,” the older lady holding the cup said.

“What happened?”

“You were in a car accident, we didn’t think you were going to make it.” This came from a younger woman who bore a resemblance to the woman holding the cup.

“We have some bad news,” the older man said. “Laney didn’t make it.”

“Was she the other driver?” He asked, noting the looks of concern on their faces.

“She was your fiancé, don’t you remember?” The man was still speaking.

“I think I would remember being engaged,” he chuckled a bit, who were these people?

“Do you remember you name?” The older woman asked.

He opened his mouth to speak and found he couldn’t. What was his name? Why didn’t he know his name?

“I know my name,” he said looking at their faces. “Don’t look at me like that, I know my name.”

Another person came into the room, judging by his outfit he was the doctor. How would he know this guy was a doctor and not know his own name? The doctor flashed a light in his eyes, checked his pulse, and vitals, all under the watchful eye of the man in the bed and the three others. After a brief, muttering conversation with the nurse he approached the man.

“How many fingers am I holding?”

“Three, two, four, one.” He replied as the number changed.

“What year is it?”

“Two thousand and six?”

“What year were you born?”

“I don’t know.”

“What is your name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know this woman?” The doctor put his hand on the older woman’s shoulder, who looked at him expectantly.

He shook his head, “no. Why don’t I remember?”

“The wreck was very hard on you, not only did you break your arm and leg, but you had some rather serious head injuries. To be completely honest you waking up period is amazing.”

“Laney was my fiancé and she didn’t make it?”

The doctor looked at the man and the women then back at him. “She was killed on impact.”

“What is my name?” He asked looking at the doctor, now his beacon of sanity.

“Your name is Jim Wells, your are twenty-four years old and these people are your family.” The doctor motioned to the older woman, “this is your mother, Lois, your father, Jonathan and your sister, Stephanie.”

His name was Jim, slowly he digested this. It was as though a large weight had been lifted, he had a name and a family. For the first time since he woke up, Jim looked at the people around him. All three of them were not especially tall, the man was just about an inch taller than the two women. His father, Jonathan, he reminded himself, had thinning gray hair and wide shoulders with a bit of a belly. His mother and sister looked alike only in build, they both had the same athletic build but his mother was a bit worse for the wear. Lois had long dark brown hair with heavy accents of gray and his sister her light brown hair cut short, both looked like they hadn’t slept recently. Judging by the three faces he had some Italian blood in him, mainly on his mothers side by the look of her and his father was more of the Irish type, his sister was a nice mix.

 

[scottmcc]

Please, be as honest as you can. If I don't know now I won't know when I post it.

 

[English Lady]

I am intrigued, this is a good start for a story It realy gets me involved with the main character and makes me want to read more.

I'm not so good on the tehica aspects of the story, it all looked good to me -I want to read more of it now

 

[S-Des]

It's a decent start, lots of little technical things you should get before they get away from you (it's not fair to ask an editor to be fixing multiple things per sentence). I would do a working title until you have more of the story down. Right now, I don't know enough about the story for a good title suggestions. It depends on what direction you decided to go. I'm with E-L, it's an interesting premise and as a reader, I'd stay with it for a while to see what developes.

Think about it from your character's perspective. He wakes up and is told he's been out a month. His immediate response . . . "What happened?" My immediate response would be . . .

'Holy shit, a month?' he thought, panic stricken. 'It can't be.' He looked from face to face around the room, trying to discern some clue about what was going on, but only saw people looking at him with concern etched on their faces. Despite his confusion, something was telling him that these were people he could trust.

"What happened?" he asked slowly, dreading the answer.

Little things to help us get inside his head and feel his fear and confusion. Just a thought.

 

[kbate]

It is an interesting start. The writing has many problems, but the story is interesting.

Personally, I would start it with a more visual and less telling opening.

"His eyes opened to a world of light... and pain.."


Rather than telling me his awakening --- show me his awakening.

 

[neonlyte]

I saw your plea.

Blinking into existence, (not a good opening - doesn't actually describe anything. His eyes have been closed for a long time. Opening them is a sensation, light for one, sound - you mention smell below. These three words tell what he does, they don't show how he is feeling, confusion, as if awaking from a deep sleep, panicked possibly. This where you set your character, here is where he wakes for 'his' first time and wonders what the hell is going on) his first thought was that everything was incredibly white and sterile. (Don't think you need <and sterile> how would he know? Your actually leading into the next sentence <smell sense> so deal with it there) As his nose began to work once again (comma after work - omit <once again>)he realized he was in a hospital and that was not good. (omit <was not good> add <could not be good news.>) His arm was in a sling and his leg was raised, broken or bruised was his guess. (I would reword this, eg. His arm was in a sling and his (left/right) leg raised in a cradle support, broken he supposed. - you don't need 'bruised' it's implicit with injury and buising is something you tend to see, not imagine) Beyond the rhythmic beeping of the machine next to him he began to hear something more, voices. (this last line could read much better, eg. He could hear voices speaking above the noise of the machine rhythmically beeping at his bedside, voices beyond the curtains that enclosed his bed. - in the next paragraph, you mention the white parting, but omit to say (as we know) his bed is curtained off.)

You get the gist. On the dialogue sections below, you need some qualification of who is speaking, not on every line, but a dialogue unlabelled can only be between two people. There are more than two gathered around his bed and it is confusing as to who is actually speaking.

Hope that helps.

He tried to speak and found he could not, his throat was dry. Clearing it he looked for some sort of call button. There it was, dangling above his head, in perfect reach of his arm in the sling. He chuckled and coughed, the talking stopped. The white parted and people poured through.

Their faces were stained with tears and stretched by smiles. The voices began a jumble of noise too much to understand. Everyone was talking to him.

“Water,” he was able to croak out.

They laughed and soon a plastic cup of water was brought to his lips. Each moment his eyes began to see more, his ears began to hear each individual voice, and the sterile smell was getting stronger. Soon he began to actually hear the words that each voice said.

“I was so worried…”

“Do you need an extra pillow…”

“Get the doctor…”

“Slow down please,” he said after a long sip of water.

The people smiled and looked at him.

“I have some questions.” He saw them nod. “How long have I been out?”

“Almost a month,” the older lady holding the cup said.

“What happened?”

“You were in a car accident, we didn’t think you were going to make it.” This came from a younger woman who bore a resemblance to the woman holding the cup.

“We have some bad news,” the older man said. “Laney didn’t make it.”

“Was she the other driver?” He asked, noting the looks of concern on their faces.

“She was your fiancé, don’t you remember?” The man was still speaking.

“I think I would remember being engaged,” he chuckled a bit, who were these people?

“Do you remember you name?” The older woman asked.

He opened his mouth to speak and found he couldn’t. What was his name? Why didn’t he know his name?

“I know my name,” he said looking at their faces. “Don’t look at me like that, I know my name.”

Another person came into the room, judging by his outfit he was the doctor. How would he know this guy was a doctor and not know his own name? The doctor flashed a light in his eyes, checked his pulse, and vitals, all under the watchful eye of the man in the bed and the three others. After a brief, muttering conversation with the nurse he approached the man.

“How many fingers am I holding?”

“Three, two, four, one.” He replied as the number changed.

“What year is it?”

“Two thousand and six?”

“What year were you born?”

“I don’t know.”

“What is your name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know this woman?” The doctor put his hand on the older woman’s shoulder, who looked at him expectantly.

He shook his head, “no. Why don’t I remember?”

“The wreck was very hard on you, not only did you break your arm and leg, but you had some rather serious head injuries. To be completely honest you waking up period is amazing.”

“Laney was my fiancé and she didn’t make it?”

The doctor looked at the man and the women then back at him. “She was killed on impact.”

“What is my name?” He asked looking at the doctor, now his beacon of sanity.

“Your name is Jim Wells, your are twenty-four years old and these people are your family.” The doctor motioned to the older woman, “this is your mother, Lois, your father, Jonathan and your sister, Stephanie.”

His name was Jim, slowly he digested this. It was as though a large weight had been lifted, he had a name and a family. For the first time since he woke up, Jim looked at the people around him. All three of them were not especially tall, the man was just about an inch taller than the two women. His father, Jonathan, he reminded himself, had thinning gray hair and wide shoulders with a bit of a belly. His mother and sister looked alike only in build, they both had the same athletic build but his mother was a bit worse for the wear. Lois had long dark brown hair with heavy accents of gray and his sister her light brown hair cut short, both looked like they hadn’t slept recently. Judging by the three faces he had some Italian blood in him, mainly on his mothers side by the look of her and his father was more of the Irish type, his sister was a nice mix.

 

[scottmcc]

I saw your plea.

Blinking into existence, (not a good opening - doesn't actually describe anything. His eyes have been closed for a long time. Opening them is a sensation, light for one, sound - you mention smell below. These three words tell what he does, they don't show how he is feeling, confusion, as if awaking from a deep sleep, panicked possibly. This where you set your character, here is where he wakes for 'his' first time and wonders what the hell is going on) his first thought was that everything was incredibly white and sterile. (Don't think you need <and sterile> how would he know? Your actually leading into the next sentence <smell sense> so deal with it there) As his nose began to work once again (comma after work - omit <once again>)he realized he was in a hospital and that was not good. (omit <was not good> add <could not be good news.>) His arm was in a sling and his leg was raised, broken or bruised was his guess. (I would reword this, eg. His arm was in a sling and his (left/right) leg raised in a cradle support, broken he supposed. - you don't need 'bruised' it's implicit with injury and buising is something you tend to see, not imagine) Beyond the rhythmic beeping of the machine next to him he began to hear something more, voices. (this last line could read much better, eg. He could hear voices speaking above the noise of the machine rhythmically beeping at his bedside, voices beyond the curtains that enclosed his bed. - in the next paragraph, you mention the white parting, but omit to say (as we know) his bed is curtained off.)

You get the gist. On the dialogue sections below, you need some qualification of who is speaking, not on every line, but a dialogue unlabelled can only be between two people. There are more than two gathered around his bed and it is confusing as to who is actually speaking.

Hope that helps.

Actually that does help. Thank you.