Take a look at my 1st story...

[honeypie8]

I've already had feedback saying the ending's a bit abrupt so I've changed that quite a bit (don't know if it's possible to have it changed on here too?) either way, I'd love to have some of your feedback )

Many thanks

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=198163

 

[Whinston]

Wow!! I have to say that i loved it!! I loved the way she gave him a quick tease, then he teased her for a lot longer. Excellent writing, please submit more!!

 

[honeypie8]

More feedback please!

I'd love to have more feedback! Would anyone else like to read it & give your opinions?

 

[Guest]

Good job on your first submission. May I offer some suggestions?

I find it difficult to read things written in second person. I know, some people love it, one of my first Lit stories was written in second person, but generally that style is much harder on the reader. There are Lit authors who immediately back-click and refuse to read a story in second person. (It is a major pain in the ass for the writer to edit the story to third person but it is possible to make that adjustment.)

(The first person is I, me, my, we, our, and so on. The second person is you and your. The third person is he, she, they, their, his, hers, him, her, and so on.)

There are a few places where you need to double-check your punctuation, specifically your use of commas where a semi-colon should be utilized. If you don't use a grammar checker give that a try.

Additionally, your sentences tend to run on and on. The easiest way to fix this is to practice reading your story out loud. If you cannot comfortably speak it aloud than the reader will have difficulty reading it.

You also have a few paragraphs that are incredibly long. One paragraph near the end has more than 16 sentences. Those should be broken up. When reading a story online your eyes need a break after 4-5 sentences or so.

Here is part of your story. I'm going to remove the run-on sentences so you can see what I mean.

You wrote - "We'd noticed each other before at the leisure centre, our eyes had met a number of times and we both knew there was something more to come. You'd been waiting to pick your moment to ask me out for a drink but I'd been away and of course you couldn't ask me if I wasn't there. At the same time, all through my holiday I'd been thinking about how I was going to make my move too and since I knew you were always at the gym on a Tuesday, I knew you'd be there if I went that night."

I wrote - "We'd noticed each other before at the Leisure Centre; our eyes met a number of times and we both knew there was something more to come. I knew you'd been waiting for the moment to ask me out for a drink but because I'd been away you couldn't ask.

At the same time, all through my holiday I'd been thinking about how to make my move. Knowing you were always at the gym on Tuesdays I decided to take my chances with you that night."

That isn't much of a change but it makes your story more reader-friendly.

Now how about switching that section over to third person? How does this sound to you?

"They'd noticed each other before at the Leisure Centre. Their eyes briefly met a number of times and each hoped there was something more to come. She (or her name - Eve) wondered if he (or his name - Adam) had been thinking of her, wanting to ask her out for a drink. She hoped so, but she had been away on holiday for weeks.

At the same time all through her absence Eve had been thinking about how to make her own move on Adam. She knew he was always at the gym on Tuesdays, so gathering her courage she decided to take her chances with him that night."

I think in third person you have more options. You can get into the heads of your characters and show more easily what they are thinking.

I love your sexual descriptions, your naughty details, your character's expressions. The story is very hot and works quite well for a stroke story on a porn site.

However, I think you can take it further. With a little rewriting I think you can have a more polished work that goes beyond the simple wank story. Honestly.

You asked about submitting edits? You do it in the same manner as submitting a regular story but you add (EDITED) after the title. I would also add that in the notes section. And I think most people have submitted edits before.

I hope some of this is helpful?

Good luck!

(edited this morning because apparently I shouldn't edit after a few rum and cokes in the evening - thanks, Zoot.)

 

[Peerced_Weener]

Great story, really liked it.

 

[RoseMadder]

Hi,

I really enjoyed your story. I'd agree that it was a bit tricky to read as it's written in the 2nd person. I've tried writing in this style too but have discarded the results as when I read it back it sounded a bit stilted. Possibly, like me, you were trying something different from normal.

I also agree with what sweetsubsarahh mentioned about the paragraphs. If they were to be made shorter, that would work better for the reader.

The idea of the story is excellent though. With a little re-writing it could be spot on. I wonder if this is a fantasy of yours? The reason I say that is it seems that there are some 'holes' in the visualisation. It's as if these pictures exist in your head and in them you are tanned and toned (maybe you are in real life...I don't know!) and you need to convey that to the reader with the first 2 paragraphs about the characters holiday.

I liked the vocabulary you used, it was erotic without being pointlessly smutty.

I'm really new to Literotica and i've only submitted one story myself, what I am planning on doing is re-writing my first story incorporating the advice I was given and re-submitting it. Maybe that's something you could do as well? I'd look forward to reading the results.

Rose x

 

[honeypie8]

Thank You Guys!

Thanks for your great feedback - thank you for taking the time to read it and the effort in your replies.

I'll work hard at changing it - you've come up with things I've never thought of (I've never even written a story before, let alone writing an erotic one lol).

I'll let you know when the edited version's available.

Cheers )

 

[dr_mabeuse]

What Sarah said. Second person seems like a good idea when you write it, as if you'll seduce your reader and bring him into the picture, but it's always obvious you're not talking to the reader, and in my experience it's not nearly as hot as first person (I/he) or third (he/she).

A story--even a fuck story--needs an ending, something that answers all our questions and gives us a sense of closure. In a stright screw story like this, usually all we want at the end is to know that the people will see each other again (or not). The fuck story exactly parallels making love. It's not over when you both come. There's usually a come-down, a "that was great" and a sense of where the two people stand after their experience. There's a rule for stories that says that every story is a telling of an event that changed someone's life. Falling in love--or discovering you like anal, or can screw a stranger, or are multi-orgasmic--are perfectly legitimate changes that give a sense of completeness.

One thing I'd suggest is that you try and use more paragraphing. Reading solid blocks of text on a screen is hard, and white space is a relief. There's a tendency in porn writers to use few paragraphs when the sex starts, and I don't know why that is. Maybe their brains switch off, or they think all the different things people do during sex are all the same, but you often get these monolithic paragraphs in porn stories. A lot of people will look at a story and see no white space and just not even read it.