Sydney Sweeney's Genes

[jdolinger]

I wrote this months ago, but it was FINALLY published. Here's my first story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/sydney-sweeneys-genes

Honest feedback is appreciated. Please be nice!

 

[darwin1859]

This is a great first story! I thought you found a good way to start the story and the way you wrote Mark and Michelle was really engaging and realistic. They were very likable and I was interesting in their story. You have a knack for story telling. Your treatment of the sex scenes was good (you had some description; not the first scene that you glossed over, but I thought that was a good choice). Your mechanics were mostly very good. You had a good title and description...

Although I don't know who Sydney Sweeney is, so I didn't get the first part, or the "joke" of the title. When I googled her, I assumed that they were just saying she's beautiful, but I could see where it was going (Michelle fucking a black guy) and why you'd write it that way. Also, I realized that I'm not much into the kinks in this story, so I skimmed a lot.

I have these suggestions:

• You didn't tag the story. That's a mistake. If you don't know what tags to use, find a similar story and use those. Using tag search, you can discover which tags are most common.
• I don't know if LW is the best place for this (or not). I might have chosen fit into Interracial. And that might make you consider if you have pushed the desired elements enough. Is cucking Mark the main issue? If so, LW is a good home and the fact that Jim is black may be superfluous. But I think this was really more an interracial story...
• I have a strong preference for each character's speech to be one paragraph that begins with speech. Most of your dialog starts inside a paragraph.
• Also, you narrated a lot. It's better to use dialog to "show us" when that's an easy option. Physical descriptions and backstory may not fit neatly into dialog, but this narration could easily fit: "They forgot about the condoms. When Mark suddenly voiced this to Michelle, a look of panic came across her face as well. Jim apologized profusely, but Mark and Michelle assured him he wasn't at fault."
• You had a lot of fairly long paragraphs. If you followed the last two points, I think your story would have more "whitespace" that would read better. You also have paragraphs that mix disparate elements like Michelle's orgasm and impregnation panic, or Jim leaving and a pregnancy test. You should break those up.
• ...Although sex scenes tend to have big paragraphs of narration. You can break these up with dirty talk or vocalizations.
• You could use an editor.
  • You had some odd word choices (e.g., "...and just let Michelle ventilate the rest of the conversation.")
  • And possible typos (I think "earlier that way" should be "earlier that day")
  • And some sentence structure issues (these are fragments: "Shoulder-length brown hair with blue eyes. Very much in-shape just like Mark, spending just as much time in the gym." and there are some run-on sentences).
  • Words like "penis", "semen" (?), "post-coital," and "vagina" all seemed weird. One tip I picked up: if you find yourself tempted to use a clinical sex term, you can often just avoid it. For example, "Mark shrank outside of her vagina..." could just as well be: "Mark shrank out of her..." or "Mark slipped out as his cock softened..."
• Although you did describe how sex felt, I thought there was room for embellishment. For example, their orgasms are not well described.

 

[jdolinger]

This is a great first story! I thought you found a good way to start the story and the way you wrote Mark and Michelle was really engaging and realistic. They were very likable and I was interesting in their story. You have a knack for story telling. Your treatment of the sex scenes was good (you had some description; not the first scene that you glossed over, but I thought that was a good choice). Your mechanics were mostly very good. You had a good title and description...

Although I don't know who Sydney Sweeney is, so I didn't get the first part, or the "joke" of the title. When I googled her, I assumed that they were just saying she's beautiful, but I could see where it was going (Michelle fucking a black guy) and why you'd write it that way. Also, I realized that I'm not much into the kinks in this story, so I skimmed a lot.

I have these suggestions:

• You didn't tag the story. That's a mistake. If you don't know what tags to use, find a similar story and use those. Using tag search, you can discover which tags are most common.
• I don't know if LW is the best place for this (or not). I might have chosen fit into Interracial. And that might make you consider if you have pushed the desired elements enough. Is cucking Mark the main issue? If so, LW is a good home and the fact that Jim is black may be superfluous. But I think this was really more an interracial story...
• I have a strong preference for each character's speech to be one paragraph that begins with speech. Most of your dialog starts inside a paragraph.
• Also, you narrated a lot. It's better to use dialog to "show us" when that's an easy option. Physical descriptions and backstory may not fit neatly into dialog, but this narration could easily fit: "They forgot about the condoms. When Mark suddenly voiced this to Michelle, a look of panic came across her face as well. Jim apologized profusely, but Mark and Michelle assured him he wasn't at fault."
• You had a lot of fairly long paragraphs. If you followed the last two points, I think your story would have more "whitespace" that would read better. You also have paragraphs that mix disparate elements like Michelle's orgasm and impregnation panic, or Jim leaving and a pregnancy test. You should break those up.
• ...Although sex scenes tend to have big paragraphs of narration. You can break these up with dirty talk or vocalizations.
• You could use an editor.
  • You had some odd word choices (e.g., "...and just let Michelle ventilate the rest of the conversation.")
  • And possible typos (I think "earlier that way" should be "earlier that day")
  • And some sentence structure issues (these are fragments: "Shoulder-length brown hair with blue eyes. Very much in-shape just like Mark, spending just as much time in the gym." and there are some run-on sentences).
  • Words like "penis", "semen" (?), "post-coital," and "vagina" all seemed weird. One tip I picked up: if you find yourself tempted to use a clinical sex term, you can often just avoid it. For example, "Mark shrank outside of her vagina..." could just as well be: "Mark shrank out of her..." or "Mark slipped out as his cock softened..."
• Although you did describe how sex felt, I thought there was room for embellishment. For example, their orgasms are not well described.

Thank you so much for the constructive feedback!

 

[darwin1859]

@jdolinger I winced when I looked at your comment section. Don't let the haters get you. Although one of them mixed some good point in with his vitrol.

FYI, creampie eating was the first kink I wasn't into. It's off-putting for me, and that's probably why some readers think it should be in fetish.

BBC was the second that, for me, isn't off-putting but isn't a turn on; and that makes it a good candidate for Interracial.

 

[jdolinger]

@jdolinger I winced when I looked at your comment section. Don't let the haters get you. Although one of them mixed some good point in with his vitrol.

FYI, creampie eating was the first kink I wasn't into. It's off-putting for me, and that's probably why some readers think it should be in fetish.

BBC was the second that, for me, isn't off-putting but isn't a turn on; and that makes it a good candidate for Interracial.

Understandable. Duly noted. I'll try to remember that.

The creampie eating can definitely be considered a kink, but there's actually a theory that husbands/partners do oral almost out of instinct in order to check for any signs of infidelity. Do with that what you will.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The creampie eating can definitely be considered a kink, but there's actually a theory that husbands/partners do oral almost out of instinct in order to check for any signs of infidelity. Do with that what you will.

Huh? Surely if she's just shagged the other bloke, she's not going to be encouraging oral, unless she wants to rub it in his face (so to speak). And he's going to remember the last time he was on board, surely. That's a pretty dumb theory!

 

[nice90sguy]

The anonymous comment:

*1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO TAGS AND THE WRONG FUCKING CATEGORY, SHITHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!! MARK WAS A WILLING CUCKOLD, A FETISHIST AND THIS STORY BELONGS IN THE "FETISH" CATEGORY!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S SEE: THE APPROPRIATE TAGS ARE --- CUCKOLD, INTERRACIAL SEX, IMPREGNATION, BBC (OF COURSE IT DOES), PIV ORGASMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NONE OF WHICH SUPPORT THE STUPID SELECTION OF "LOVING WIVES" AS THE CATEGORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT A "LOVING WIVES" STORY; IT IS EITHER A "FETISH" STORY OR AN "INTERRACIAL SEX" STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IT IS NOT A "LOVING WIVES" STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

summed up my opinion, (albeit without the hysteria and 1-vote). Miscategorised, or mistagged.

 

[StrentWriter]

The anonymous comment:



summed up my opinion, (albeit without the hysteria and 1-vote). Miscategorised, or mistagged.

Don’t let the haters get you down. I will never understand the need to put people down, particularly writers.

I liked your story but echo the thoughts on the descriptive elements - it’s an issue you and I share actually for writing. I tend to be quite mechanical in describing it when less is definitely more.

 

[darwin1859]

The anonymous comment:



summed up my opinion, (albeit without the hysteria and 1-vote). Miscategorised, or mistagged.

Yeah, that was the one that mixed some good points with vitriol.

I'm lol'ing. What's going on in that guy's life that he leaves a comment of 578 characters and 111 are bangs? He's going to wear out that key I'm pretty certain we're seeing some psychological disorder (so, kinda shitty of me that it makes me laugh... but....).

And the only reason I mentioned that I'm not into cum eating is that I agree (also), that's usually found in the fetish category.

I'd also like to repeat myself: I think OP wrote a husband and wife in a loving marriage really well. I was impressed with the way they were introduced, they were likable and realistic, etc.

EDIT: Also @jdolinger I should have mentioned that one reason to tag your stories is to warn the reader what's involved. So you should consider that in choosing tags. Or, some authors have a warning at the top of the story about things that might trigger people like Anonymous-Shouty-Bang-guy...

 

[nice90sguy]

he leaves a comment of 578 characters and 111 are bangs

He certainly gives you plenty of bangs for your buck

 

[Sign54]

I never found her that attractive. I do find Chloe Moretz cute,even if she is gay.