Swing lifestyle/open relationship
- Thread starter Flyingsgt
- Start date
OnceFuturePoly
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2011
- Posts
- 216
This is generally two different subjects...
Open Relationship (aka swinging) is a code phrase for "have permission for sex with others" and runs the gamete from meeting people like single people meet each other, to traditional affairs, to wild parties in the hot tub with friends and neighbors.
The Swinging Lifestyle is couples interacting with other couples, everyone known to each other and almost always together (at least to start). Check out swingersboard.com for a good community with lots of information.
If you want to be together with your spouse, then learn about the Swinging Lifestyle.
If you each want additional relationships independent from your spouse, look at poly secondary relationships.
If you just want a hunting licence, you're taking a more difficult road.
My advice is to take on this project together. Figure out what each of you want, and how you can help to other actualize it. To paraphrase a slogan, "the couple that plays together stays together".
Open Relationship (aka swinging) is a code phrase for "have permission for sex with others" and runs the gamete from meeting people like single people meet each other, to traditional affairs, to wild parties in the hot tub with friends and neighbors.
The Swinging Lifestyle is couples interacting with other couples, everyone known to each other and almost always together (at least to start). Check out swingersboard.com for a good community with lots of information.
The woman who runs SwingersBoard also published a book The Swinger's Manual quoting lots of posts from the board.
There are also Poly or Polyamorous relationships which run from 3 or 4 people living together down to a FWB known to one's partner. Check the wiki article and www.polyamory.org site. Everyone needs to know what is happening, even if they are not participating. Jealously is balanced by compersion.
If you want to be together with your spouse, then learn about the Swinging Lifestyle.
If you each want additional relationships independent from your spouse, look at poly secondary relationships.
If you just want a hunting licence, you're taking a more difficult road.
1) Affairs pull relationships apart when you're trying to balance the demands of your two partners, especially when you start saying "the other partner doesn't really need to know..."
2) You're not working with your spouse to find ways to fulfill your desires.
2) You're not working with your spouse to find ways to fulfill your desires.
My advice is to take on this project together. Figure out what each of you want, and how you can help to other actualize it. To paraphrase a slogan, "the couple that plays together stays together".
Not into swinging or an open relationship personally, but my advice is to look at your marriage and ask yourself how strong it is and why you may want to pursue this.
Are you bored with the marriage and are looking for this to jazz it up? Do you feel the marriage, sexually or otherwise, is lacking something and you think this might be "it"? Or is this 'added spice' to a strong relationship? If you are looking for this to save a marriage with problems, I would recommend thinking twice about that. One of the biggest roadmaps to disaster I have seen is where couples try swinging or threesomes or whatever to 'save their marriage' and it usually ends up pouring gasoline on the fire. Even if it is to 'add spice' a lot of the times it seems to cause a solid marriage to have problems IME.
Do you guys express feelings to each other easily, do you share how you really feel regularly? This is critical, if you have trouble with this now, when dealing with potential issues of jealousy that can arise, of not being sure, you need to be able to do this.
Whose idea was this? Was this someone one of you brought up, or is it something that kind of came up mutually? In my limited experience with people who have thought about these kinds of things, often it is one partner pushing it (often the husband, but not always). Sometimes it is a spouse who is already cheating trying to 'legitimize' what they are doing, figuring out their spouse may find out and 'head them off at the pass', other times one or the other has a fantasy and tries to get the other one to go along. For this stuff to work, it has to be mutual, and I have read of/heard of/known couples where it turned out to be one partner dragging the other along.......if you are going to try this, you need to talk about it and really make sure both of you want to try it, otherwise the other spouse will resent it.
One piece of advice, you might want to share a bit more about the situation..how old are you guys, how long have you been married, and what have you guys already talked about on the topic.......how it came up, and what kind of ideas have you guys had, etc......makes it easier to give advice.
Are you bored with the marriage and are looking for this to jazz it up? Do you feel the marriage, sexually or otherwise, is lacking something and you think this might be "it"? Or is this 'added spice' to a strong relationship? If you are looking for this to save a marriage with problems, I would recommend thinking twice about that. One of the biggest roadmaps to disaster I have seen is where couples try swinging or threesomes or whatever to 'save their marriage' and it usually ends up pouring gasoline on the fire. Even if it is to 'add spice' a lot of the times it seems to cause a solid marriage to have problems IME.
Do you guys express feelings to each other easily, do you share how you really feel regularly? This is critical, if you have trouble with this now, when dealing with potential issues of jealousy that can arise, of not being sure, you need to be able to do this.
Whose idea was this? Was this someone one of you brought up, or is it something that kind of came up mutually? In my limited experience with people who have thought about these kinds of things, often it is one partner pushing it (often the husband, but not always). Sometimes it is a spouse who is already cheating trying to 'legitimize' what they are doing, figuring out their spouse may find out and 'head them off at the pass', other times one or the other has a fantasy and tries to get the other one to go along. For this stuff to work, it has to be mutual, and I have read of/heard of/known couples where it turned out to be one partner dragging the other along.......if you are going to try this, you need to talk about it and really make sure both of you want to try it, otherwise the other spouse will resent it.
One piece of advice, you might want to share a bit more about the situation..how old are you guys, how long have you been married, and what have you guys already talked about on the topic.......how it came up, and what kind of ideas have you guys had, etc......makes it easier to give advice.
K
KierstH12
Guest
.....................
Last edited by a moderator:
haute_cuisine
Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2012
- Posts
- 66
.....
Last edited:
The_Librarian
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2012
- Posts
- 131
deleted
Last edited:
Bramblethorn
Sleep-deprived
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Posts
- 18,493
Seconding most of the advice above. Nonmonogamy comes in several different varieties and you need to work out which one you're interested in. (As an example, some couples have a "don't sleep with my friends" rule and others have an "only sleep with my friends" rule!)
And it shouldn't be seen as a relationship band-aid. Most problems in a monogamous relationship are only exacerbated by nonmonogamy, although there are some exceptions.
I could go on about this some more, but it probably wouldn't be helpful unless you can clarify what sort of nonmonogamy you're looking at.
K
KierstH12
Guest
.....................
Last edited by a moderator:
Sweet_Jenna
Virgin
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2012
- Posts
- 9
Hey, Flyingsgt. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you - I was hoping to find some similar advice here myself (which is why I clicked on your thread). Although, I think hubby and I have been at this point for more than what qualifies as a 'moment'! We've been trying to figure out the logistics for a lllooonnnnggg time.
Good luck!
rbone04
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2006
- Posts
- 643
You are already headed in the right direction... It is a topic of DISCUSSION rather than a desire only you or her has. My advice is continue the discussion and never be afraid to a concern or desire to the table. The direction will show itself as long ss you are both open and honest and communicate.
blksoldier
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2012
- Posts
- 858
helping hand
big Sarge keep mthe line of communication open never assume what the other is thinking and be honest with your feelings.
intriguedwriter
Virgin
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2012
- Posts
- 21
mine and I have for now just been casually looking for a girl for a threesome. I'd really like to have an open relationship and on another forum have an acquaintance who is in one and it works for her.
I don't have jealousy issues. Trouble is, I know that he does. He has mentioned us doing a mmf 3sum but I think it would be a minefield. I would love for us each to have side lovers just to make things more fun.
The_Librarian
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2012
- Posts
- 131
deleted
Last edited:
analgirl69
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2012
- Posts
- 376
Yes. This. Be prepared. Not saying it happens to everyone.. but be very prepared for the fact that it could be the death sentence for your marriage. Is sex worth that risk? It could end up fine, but this is a risky little game to pursue. Especially if one partner is not 100% into this.
I personally could never want/do this. I love my husband to pieces and would never want to jeopardize our relationship with feeling of jealousy, hurt, resentment.... Couldn't do it. Maybe I am biased.
K
KierstH12
Guest
..................
Last edited by a moderator:
The_Librarian
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2012
- Posts
- 131
deleted
Last edited:
Open relationship
We have one and have made it work out. I love my husband dearly but I also enjoy sex with other men and I know he enjoys sex with other women. No secrets are allowed and we have to come first for each other. I travel a lot and that makes it easier.
We have one and have made it work out. I love my husband dearly but I also enjoy sex with other men and I know he enjoys sex with other women. No secrets are allowed and we have to come first for each other. I travel a lot and that makes it easier.
looking4it
fuck cancer
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2002
- Posts
- 3,968
Excellent advice!
My two cents: talk, talk, talk! Make sure you know each others desires, fears, limits, uncertainties and if one of you is hesitant don't do it until you are both ready. There are numerous ways to enjoy this lifestyle and you need to know which way(s) work for you. I love lit but there are several sites to help you explore your options if you are interested. PM me if you'd like links.
Again, nothing will replace candid conversation and respecting each other's limits.
haha_on_me
Grilled cheese
- Joined
- May 6, 2003
- Posts
- 12,252
We have "veto" power. If one doesn't like the person or situation, they have the veto power to halt any further action until an amicable solution can be met, or stopped altogether.
This is something both of you would have to want to do. It is not to be taken lightly if you are not interested and your spouse is not. It takes a lot of trust with one another and it is not a relationship fixer!!
My honest opinion this could really open a can of worms for your relationship.
If he has jealousy issues it won't work.
jenni7
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2010
- Posts
- 517
Honestly swinging can be a ton of fun but like someone mentioned this is not a can of worms you can later close. The best advice I can give you is keep communication open, have "rules" and play within them. If your wanting to experience this because your trying to fix something in your marriage, don't! There's a great swing community out there filled with amazing sexy people with a lot of fun to be had. If you have specific questions or concerns I would be glad to chat with you about it 
have fun!!!
have fun!!!
Jessicasc1970
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2012
- Posts
- 1,022
I have no advice for you, but have enjoyed reading the replies. My husband has wanted to do this for years. While the fantasy may have been good, I wanted it to stay a fantasy. We made a marriage vow to forsake all others, and as a mother, what would my children think if they ever found out.
Wednesday night I finally agreed to give it a try. I have to say, we have both been really horny since then. We have talked about some rules, and I'm sure we are going to talk a lot more before it happens.
We are going to start with me with another guy, and see where thing go from there.
Good luck to the two of you.
Wednesday night I finally agreed to give it a try. I have to say, we have both been really horny since then. We have talked about some rules, and I'm sure we are going to talk a lot more before it happens.
We are going to start with me with another guy, and see where thing go from there.
Good luck to the two of you.
Bramblethorn
Sleep-deprived
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Posts
- 18,493
IME, kids are only as judgmental as they're taught to be.
When my stepson was about ten he asked my partner "Is X your girlfriend?" She told him yes, and braced herself for lots of questions on how she could be dating X at the same time as living with me. Instead he looked out the car window and said "hey, that shop has Lego!"
Since then, he hasn't asked much about it; he's aware that we're poly, but it's not a subject of great curiosity for him, and so far he seems to be content with a monogamous dating life himself.
