Sweet Surrender

[fawnie]

thanks minsue for the advice
now, help me edit this piece please!!



Surrender
~~~~~

In fields of green,
where flowers sway,
peace dances
in calm surrender.

Bodies soft
with sunbathed skin,
beneath blue skies,
heart surrenders.

With essence glow,
deep eyes smiling,
at longed for gifts,
pain surrenders.

With blinding kisses,
mindless passion,
lustful power,
yesterday surrenders.

Desire strong,
burning flesh
and heart of gold,
fear surrenders.

As flowers sway
and bodies shake,
orgasmic rains,
surrender.


thanks so much!

btw eve, can i comment on your av witout chasing you off?

 

[WickedEve]

I'll run. I swear I will.

I'm going to copy this poem and go play with it. I'll make suggestions if I come up with any--suggestions about the poem.

 

[minsue]

Re: Re: Sweet Surrender

I'll run. I swear I will.

Please do. We can't chase you if you don't run...

I'd love to help you, Fawnie, but I suck at this sort of thing. You've got loads and loads of moral support from me, though.

 

[WickedEve]

I've already played with your poem. It was a quickie. Your poem feels like a slut about it.

The poem is nice the way it is. But I'd be tempted to edit some clichés.

"heart of gold" really jumps out at me.

You may want to rethink blue skies. Most skies are blue. Do you really need to say blue? Though, that's not a biggie to really worry too much about. And blue does seem to make it flow better.

I'm always nervous about using passion, lustful, burning and desire all in one poem. They do get used a lot--an awful lot.

 

[fawnie]

I've already played with your poem. It was a quickie. Your poem feels like a slut about it.

The poem is nice the way it is. But I'd be tempted to edit some clichés.

"heart of gold" really jumps out at me.

You may want to rethink blue skies. Most skies are blue. Do you really need to say blue? Though, that's not a biggie to really worry too much about. And blue does seem to make it flow better.

I'm always nervous about using passion, lustful, burning and desire all in one poem. They do get used a lot--an awful lot.

ok...blue isnt needed but..i was trying to play on words a bit..my last bit there is orgasmic rains..
and yes..over used words so whats another word for ustful power..i can fix te rest easy enough but that im not sure of.
thanks eve, and run if you must, but i love your dimples!!

 

[WickedEve]

ok...blue isnt needed but..i was trying to play on words a bit..my last bit there is orgasmic rains..
and yes..over used words so whats another word for ustful power..i can fix te rest easy enough but that im not sure of.
thanks eve, and run if you must, but i love your dimples!!

I wouldn't change lustful power or mindless passion. You make them interesting enough in this poem.
I'd really work on heart of gold and burning flesh. Maybe just replace either gold and flesh or heart and burning.
Okay, gotta run now.

 

[fawnie]

I've already played with your poem. It was a quickie. Your poem feels like a slut about it.

The poem is nice the way it is. But I'd be tempted to edit some clichés.

"heart of gold" really jumps out at me.

You may want to rethink blue skies. Most skies are blue. Do you really need to say blue? Though, that's not a biggie to really worry too much about. And blue does seem to make it flow better.

I'm always nervous about using passion, lustful, burning and desire all in one poem. They do get used a lot--an awful lot.

i'll have to think on the bit about passion and lust, the whole point is forgetting past love and pain associated with it, i'm sure theres another way to say it..a 1000 ways..anyhow thanks again,

 

[WickedEve]

i'll have to think on the bit about passion and lust, the whole point is forgetting past love and pain associated with it, i'm sure theres another way to say it..a 1000 ways..anyhow thanks again,

Look one post up where I say keep your passion and lust but get rid of that heart and burning flesh. lol

 

[fawnie]

Look one post up where I say keep your passion and lust but get rid of that heart and burning flesh. lol

i saw hun..only i had already hit my button
ok, i think i cleaned it up a bit..i'll play with it some more if needed, let me know!

 

[WickedEve]

retreating numbness is better and so is igniting.
What was replaced with scorching core?

 

[WickedEve]

By the way, always keep the original. Then place the revision above or below so we can compare. Others may like the original better or have different suggestions for it.

 

[fawnie]

By the way, always keep the original. Then place the revision above or below so we can compare. Others may like the original better or have different suggestions for it.

lol...ok, i'll go paste the original back up at the top of the thread and my revisions down yonder way somewhere!!

 

[fawnie]

lol...ok, i'll go paste the original back up at the top of the thread and my revisions down yonder way somewhere!!

i just lost te revision..grrrrrrrrrrr

 

[fawnie]

Surrender
~~~~~

In fields of green,
where flowers sway,
peace dances
in calm surrender.

Bodies soft
with sunbathed skin,
beneath bright skies,
heart surrenders.

With essence glow,
deep eyes smiling
at longed for gifts,
pain surrenders.

With blinding kisses,
mindless passion,
lustful power,
yesterday surrenders.

Retreating numbness,
igniting flesh,
scorching core,
fear surrenders.

As flowers sway
and bodies shake,
orgasmic rains,
surrender.