surviving vanilla

[dark_tipped_rose]

I am curious if anyone knew they were kinky and then went into a vanilla relationship, and it broke you but you survived it

how long did it take youto recover?

i know it sounds crazy but surviving vanilla is a bit traumatizing

 

[desertslave]

Short version: I was in a few serious D/s relationships and, due to issues that are way too complicated to describe, I made the choice to (try to) leave the lifestyle and those choices behind. I married a vanilla guy. I made it 11 years before I realized how miserable I was, then tried to make it work anyway for another 2.

 

[DarlingCunt]

I just wasn't satisfied in my vanilla relationship. Everything just felt so unpassionate and stale. He tried to meet my standards when it came to 'rough' sex, but it was just no where near what I wanted. If I'm being honest, I hooked up with my then-ex but now current Dom like three days after the breakup. I called him the day I dumped my boyfriend, and set up our hangout/hook up. It was so so satisfying. More satisfying than ALL of my vanilla relationship in just one session. I don't think I'll ever be able to date someone vanilla again. Lesson learned.

 

[dark_tipped_rose]

thanx for your input. I've been wondering about this issue for a while now

 

[CutieMouse]

I think it depends on how you define "vanilla" and "not vanilla".

I don't put my kinks ahead of my day to day relationships needs; I don't put my day to day relationship needs ahead of my kinks. If I only worry about my kinks, I end up unfulfilled. If I only worry about 'vanilla', I end up unfulfilled.

Seeing the world as either/ or, instead of seeing opportunities to balance (and embrace) the two, is (IMO) a recipe for misery...

 

[FurryFury]

I'm in a mostly Nilla relationship for 24 years now. I didn't even know I was kinky when I went into it. About 12 years in I figured out that I was kinky and it was okay. I saw my husband as very Dom-ly. He did not see himself that way at all. We went to some munches, and demos and play parties. We experimented at home until the guilt of me coming up with ideas got to me.

So I then turned our sex lives back over to him. Ironically my already high libido went sky rocket at about this time while his waned.

It was somewhat painful but ultimately I decided that I cared more about him and my kids than my kinky nature. I still employ my kinky nature trying to channel it in ways that help our relationship or me to orgasm. It works okay for me.

 

[desertslave]

I might have managed better had the rest of our relationship worked well. The two fundamental problems were that he was a compulsive liar, and almost as submissive as me (maybe more...at least I could make decisions on things). I hated that he deferred to me so often and began to resent that he downright refused to take control.

 

[dark_tipped_rose]

since I live in a sexless marriage, I do acknowledge that sex and intimacy are an important part of a relationship. and I know my husband looks down on me for the VERY FEW kinks he even knows about.

I know that one day, when I'm not married I would like to be in a daddy dom/baby girl d/s relationship.

its what I need. and funny enough, the longer I stay in this, the stronger my kinks get. go figure

 

[endlesswhimsy]

I did, but I didn't think it was important to me until several years later. But, you know, I loved him so it was one of those things where I compromised with myself. The sex was rough enough that I could just read stories and fantasize when I masturbated, and that was good for me. Then the sex started drying up. I think my breaking point was at about six months with nothing sexual. A lot of him not wanting sex was emotional/mental(he became depressed and very self-loathing, but I couldn't get him to go to counseling or talk to me or his friends. Very frustrating), and there were some other issues besides the no sex that was getting to me, but yeah. I survived it. I ended it. I had to -- a few nights before I broke up with him I opened up and told him that I felt like it was destroying part of me, and he looked really conflicted and told me that maybe he wanted it to be a spiritual relationship. I cried so hard that night; to me it sounded like he was unable to accept or realize that sex was integral. That coupled with my kinks being utterly ignored was the last straw.

Plus, it was kinda like what desertslave said -- he was a very passive, submissive man in most aspects (though he did become a bit more dominant in the bedroom, so to speak). He was bad at making decisions and nearly always deferred to me in just about everything. Being in control of everything wears me out -- I didn't realize until after the relationship just how much that part of me needed someone else to take the control (even though I've always known I'm a follower and not a leader, haha).

But I have no children, and we weren't married (engaged, though), so it wasn't as difficult for me to end as it might have been for other people. Now I have found a Dom who is pretty damn amazing (it's a strictly non-romantic dynamic, though. I'm still emotionally raw from the breakup and he just doesn't have the time for romance), and honestly I haven't been this happy in a long time.

So, yeah. Tend to yourself and you'll be surprised at how you might bounce back. I'd say I'm still recovering, though. It's been two months, so I guess that's not unusual. What surprises me is how angry and bitter I get when I talk to him or think about all those years. I blame him for me having to suppress that part of myself so hard, though I logically know it isn't his fault. I made the choice to stay with him so long, and to deny myself what I wanted. But, you know, I think that goes for anything, not just kinky stuff. Whenever you compromise part of yourself for the sake of a relationship, and it's integral to who you are as a person, you're going to wind up with that emotional backlash.

 

[dark_tipped_rose]

my libido isn't what it is. for me its stollen moment of masterbation haha

but it seems like thats all I get.

but yes, my husband isn't dominant so much as he can be controlling

he always has to right

at times he wants me to do everything and it is stressful

for me its complicated with my health problems and 3 kidz with autism

 

[DesEsseintes]

It's certainly tough. And, although I like the idea in principle that one should focus on both desire and relationship issues, it is not always possible. I have not had even the mildest taste of D/s for almost eight years, having lived it full time for two years and part-time another five before that. It's why I'm here - I need some kind of outlet.

Mortgage and a child also tend to complicate matters when it comes to the cheery 'just leave her' comments - that and the fact that in many ways she is lovely - otherwise I wouldn't have married her.

 

[Feelfreetotouch]

I'm married and trapped in a vanilla sex life. I love the wife and get some release by coming to lit and chatting up ladies who share my likes. Is it enough? No, but it's something.

 

[Novita76]

I'm married and trapped in a vanilla sex life. I love the wife and get some release by coming to lit and chatting up ladies who share my likes. Is it enough? No, but it's something.

Ive only has vanilla or mildly kinky. It's only been the last year or so that i have had something more and i love it. I'm most definitely a sub and i adore the idea of being someone's pet.

Coming here has led me to find a bit of what i like and has helped me figure out what that is.

 

[dark_tipped_rose]

yes one day I would love a gentle daddy dom/baby girl relationship but I have kidz and marriage turned sexless

but I do get some benefit with him. a lil bit of help with kidz. this is a long term goal. I'm just not sure that when the time is right, if I'll be healed enough

 

[Catharyn]

Hi...

It's broken me emotionally and spiritually but much more due to zero intimacy and honesty, than lack of kink.

If that makes sense?

I enjoy kink, but can live with vanilla, so long as there's love and intimacy. For the first time in my adult life, I'm without either.

Still involved, but very miserable.

Ya gotta have hope, though, and I do...

 

[subwannabe]

I just don't think many people seem to realize that you can have your cake and eat it to. It doesn't have to be a choice of D/S or Vanilla. It is possible to find a loving marriage type relationship and have the kink to. It doesn't just fall out of the sky though but you're never going to find it if you only give yourself two choices. If that's all you look for then that is all you are ever going to find.

 

[All_4_Love]

It is possible to find a loving marriage type relationship and have the kink to. It doesn't just fall out of the sky though but you're never going to find it if you only give yourself two choices.

This is what I hope for. And for those who have found it, you should take a few moments to sincerely count your blessings.

I was trapped in a marriage where his domineering tendencies made me miserable and I'm as submissive as the day is long. Our sex life? Vanilla? Extremely aggressive but without any kink or emotional intimacy? Heck, I don't even know how to describe it. Sex with a gorilla, maybe?

 

[earth7913]

I found this thread and I am very interested in your responses. See I am on the other side of this question. I am the vanilla and worried about losing her because of it. I was in a almost sexless marriage for over 20 years, I left and I found this wonderful woman that fits really well with me. I can say that she has had a very active sex life which includes the lifestyle. I know very little about it besides that it was part of her life for a long time. I on the other hand have been very vanilla, she is only the third woman I have been with.

I am trying in many ways, trying to find my own limits sexually, find out where I fit. That's on reason that I have come here to read and inform myself. But what if its not enough? I hate to think that she will be on here in 5 years sounding like some of you.

 

[moonbeam17]

I found this thread and I am very interested in your responses. See I am on the other side of this question. I am the vanilla and worried about losing her because of it. I was in a almost sexless marriage for over 20 years, I left and I found this wonderful woman that fits really well with me. I can say that she has had a very active sex life which includes the lifestyle. I know very little about it besides that it was part of her life for a long time. I on the other hand have been very vanilla, she is only the third woman I have been with.

I am trying in many ways, trying to find my own limits sexually, find out where I fit. That's on reason that I have come here to read and inform myself. But what if its not enough? I hate to think that she will be on here in 5 years sounding like some of you.

That you're trying to teach and inform yourself, puts you ahead of what most of the people in this thread have been lamenting. So long as you keep trying to find some kind of middle ground with your SO, I think you'll be giving her more and more reasons to be patient.

Keep communicating and adjusting where needed when complications arrive and you should be fine.

 

[All_4_Love]

I found this thread and I am very interested in your responses. See I am on the other side of this question. I am the vanilla and worried about losing her because of it. I was in a almost sexless marriage for over 20 years, I left and I found this wonderful woman that fits really well with me. I can say that she has had a very active sex life which includes the lifestyle. I know very little about it besides that it was part of her life for a long time. I on the other hand have been very vanilla, she is only the third woman I have been with.

I am trying in many ways, trying to find my own limits sexually, find out where I fit. That's on reason that I have come here to read and inform myself. But what if its not enough? I hate to think that she will be on here in 5 years sounding like some of you.

I'm not sure that I can say anything that will be of any help to you, but what I can offer is my honesty, my authenticity, and my feelings about my situation as it stands right now.

I have some very elaborate sexual fantasies. They all involve a man having absolute physical and mental control over me. I have never had any of these fantasies fulfilled.

I am in a relationship right now with a man who is very dominant by nature. We have only had vanilla sex. When that man touches me, I feel like I'm going crazy. It is his dominance, not kinky sex, that drives me.

I have a very strong feeling that if we never engaged in sadistic/masochistic sex, I would forever wish that I knew what it felt like, even just once, to have a man tie me up and beat me.

Is this something that I can live with? I am not 100% certain, but I think so. It is who he is that enables me to feel safely submissive to him. That is something I have yearned for and needed for a very long time.

Would I ever go out and cheat in order to fulfill my kinky sexual needs if he never does? No, never. And that's not because of who he is; that's because of who I am.

I wish you the very best on your journey with your new love.

Take care.

 

[earth7913]

That you're trying to teach and inform yourself, puts you ahead of what most of the people in this thread have been lamenting. So long as you keep trying to find some kind of middle ground with your SO, I think you'll be giving her more and more reasons to be patient.

Keep communicating and adjusting where needed when complications arrive and you should be fine.

Thank you Moonbeam. I am trying to find that middle ground but it takes lots of time to get there. She has been amazingly patient and supportive so far and she gives me no reason to think that she will leave.

Still, I guess its the fear of the unknown, or that a Dom will show up and sweep her off her feet because I cant give her what she really craves.

I will keep working at it, she is certainly worth the effort.

 

[earth7913]

I'm not sure that I can say anything that will be of any help to you, but what I can offer is my honesty, my authenticity, and my feelings about my situation as it stands right now.

I have some very elaborate sexual fantasies. They all involve a man having absolute physical and mental control over me. I have never had any of these fantasies fulfilled.

I am in a relationship right now with a man who is very dominant by nature. We have only had vanilla sex. When that man touches me, I feel like I'm going crazy. It is his dominance, not kinky sex, that drives me.

I have a very strong feeling that if we never engaged in sadistic/masochistic sex, I would forever wish that I knew what it felt like, even just once, to have a man tie me up and beat me.

Is this something that I can live with? I am not 100% certain, but I think so. It is who he is that enables me to feel safely submissive to him. That is something I have yearned for and needed for a very long time.

Would I ever go out and cheat in order to fulfill my kinky sexual needs if he never does? No, never. And that's not because of who he is; that's because of who I am.

I wish you the very best on your journey with your new love.

Take care.

Thank you ALL4Love for your candid thoughts, it is appreciated.

A few of the things you said really hit home for me. She has told me that I am 'very dominant by nature', those exact words! I take that as a good thing but still trying to figure it all out.

I am not sure if she ever has had someone tie her up and beat her, there is part of me that believes that she has. I don't think she wants that again but I don't really know. She has changed so much from when we first met. She is reluctant to tell me the things she has done because she worries about how I will feel about her after, although I wonder if the things I have imagined are worse then the things she has been through.

It has been an amazing journey so far, one that has been full of love and discoveries.

 

[Aphro]

It's certainly tough. And, although I like the idea in principle that one should focus on both desire and relationship issues, it is not always possible. I have not had even the mildest taste of D/s for almost eight years, having lived it full time for two years and part-time another five before that. It's why I'm here - I need some kind of outlet.

Mortgage and a child also tend to complicate matters when it comes to the cheery 'just leave her' comments - that and the fact that in many ways she is lovely - otherwise I wouldn't have married her.

True. Also, it is fine to want or wish your partner would do the things you would like to do, but, if they just do them to appease you, yet they get no satisfaction or enjoyment from those activities themselves, then I find the pleasure in that activity wanes substantially anyway. It ends up making you wonder why you wanted to do that in the first place. Just my two cents.

 

[All_4_Love]

It has been an amazing journey so far, one that has been full of love and discoveries.

This is what it is all about. I have much hope for you. Blessings to you both.

 

[All_4_Love]

She is reluctant to tell me the things she has done because she worries about how I will feel about her after, although I wonder if the things I have imagined are worse then the things she has been through.

Also, if she does ever come to feel vulnerable enough to tell you the things that she has done, please, for her sake, don't make her worst fears come true and change how you feel about her.

She didn't ask to be this way, I can assure you. At the end of the day, it is just kinky sex. So what? It doesn't change the woman that she is, the woman you fell in love with.