surviving V-day in a sexless marriage?

[philos]

Anyone have tips to help get through the next few weeks? I have a wide who is totally done with sex and doesn't have a romantic bone in her body. Just shopping for a card is painful. All the talk of love and passion just reminds me of what we don't have. To add to the difficulty she doesn't even want candy since she is doing low carb and she has never worn lingerie since I've known her.
Any advice or tips would be welcome.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

E-hugs coming your way. That so sucks.

Flowers? A bottle of her favourite tipple?

 

[lustfulraj]

Screw V-day. How about doing something different than V-day stuff that day? That might help stop the thoughts.

 

[philos]

E-hugs coming your way. That so sucks.

Flowers? A bottle of her favourite tipple?

Nice idea, she doesn’t drink. Of course I could but the last thing I need is a depressant.

 

[twister947]

Why even try? Buy something nice for your kids, and call it a win.

 

[Nezhul]

I don't want to be that guy, but I would get myself a mistress. Or a friend with benefits. And buy candy for her.

In my small world, if wife/husband refuse to have sex and romance - they don't thave any right to forbid you seeing someone else.

It may not be a good enough reason for divorce (kids and all) but it's not a good reason to sacrifice a good part of your life experiences.

Again, if they don't want sex - it's fine. Their body is theirs. But if they don't fulfill spousal obligation to you - they can't demand you to go celibate with them.

Go and find a date. That's my answer.

 

[philos]

Why even try? Buy something nice for your kids, and call it a win.

Thanks. That’s a really good idea.

 

[philos]

I don't want to be that guy, but I would get myself a mistress. Or a friend with benefits. And buy candy for her.

In my small world, if wife/husband refuse to have sex and romance - they don't thave any right to forbid you seeing someone else.

It may not be a good enough reason for divorce (kids and all) but it's not a good reason to sacrifice a good part of your life experiences.

Again, if they don't want sex - it's fine. Their body is theirs. But if they don't fulfill spousal obligation to you - they can't demand you to go celibate with them.

Go and find a date. That's my answer.

Sounds good but the fallout would be terrible. I couldn’t hurt her like that even if it means hurting myself.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Nice idea, she doesn’t drink. Of course I could but the last thing I need is a depressant.

A box of her favourite tea?

Forgive me for asking, but have you two talked to a doctor or counsellor of some sort? A gradual loss of interest in sex is, I guess, normal. One partner having a higher sex drive than the other is normal, but a total loss of interest is not. Have you even discussed this with her?

 

[yukonnights]

philos, does she have any specific interests? Is there a favorite place to visit, maybe a nice dinner and a movie? The lack of sex is one thing, but her lack of any romance makes it harder to ... well, be romantic. You may just have to spend some time together and call it good.

For what it's worth, Valentine's Day isn't a big deal to me and mine — sorta commercialized artificial fanfare

 

[philos]

Yes we have discussed this many times over the last twenty years but very little changed. Most of the time therapists just talk about increased communication. It has been helpful but hasn’t really changed anything in terms of romance or sexuality. It just helps us be better friends and parents.
To be perfectly honest it really doesn’t bother me that much most of time. It is just the nature of this particular holiday that I find difficult.

 

[AloneTooLong]

do something nice for YOURSELF. Frankly, I would just ignore the day as regarding the spouse, 'just another day'. I am a widow so it is 'just another day' for me. I try to just ignore all the 'special stuff' that is going on.

 

[NightL]

Sounds good but the fallout would be terrible. I couldn’t hurt her like that even if it means hurting myself.

While that reply was to you taking on a lover, which is not what I am suggesting though I view worthy of consideration, I wonder how much the fall out would be if you just ignored Valentines Day completely? Who are you doing it for really?

If what you mention "totally done with sex and doesn't have a romantic bone in her body" is true then I doubt she would give a damn about the whole thing being forgotten. Kind of simple really.

Here you are stating that you would do anything in the world for her while she displays total indifference toward you in the area of romance and intimacy. You "couldn't hurt her" but it is OK for her to have no consideration toward your feelings?

Yeah - I will go there - you also mention that you have gone to therapists over the last 20 years, I am assuming this has been initiated by you. Chatting more as a result is not intimacy, as you mentioned it is no more than being friends.

So you would do anything in the world for her but she is indifferent toward what is obviously a great concern for you. That is not a marriage, you are just sharing a house with a buddy. A buddy who displays no concern for what is important to you.

Would you consider giving v-day presents to any other buddy? Since the premise is supposed to be of romance (and retail sales), but there is zero romantic response in return, you are basically doing no more than head butting a brick wall - why keep doing that?

I'm not suggesting your wife is in any way a bad person, but it seems pointless in attempting to be romantic toward someone who does not give a stuff about it. You are indeed hurting yourself. If she truly has no sexual desire toward you, she is not going to respond to brick-wall head-butting gestures you make - so why bother. Be content with being just buddies, but respond in kind.

Don't beat yourself up over something she does not care about.

 

[NightL]

quick version:
just let it slide - do nothing - just like 20 years of no intimacy.

Why attempt at being romantic? Your desires were treated irrelevant years ago.

Someone had to say it...

 

[philos]

Harsh truths but probably what I need to hear. Thanks to all who responded

 

[Sweet_Cupcake]

I think it is lovely that you want to make an effort for Valentine's Day for your wife. You expressed that you love her, don't want to hurt her feelings, and are looking for a way to honor what you do have together.

Myself, I love flowers (on any occasion or for no reason at all) -- so flowers seem like a good idea for her. Also, any items that would make her feel good or spoiled like fancy lotions, potions, soaps, perfume, etc. There are many beautiful and wonderful things made from organic plants and essential oils that are soothing and healthful.

I get that being in a sexless marriage must be hurtful and unsatisfying on so many levels, but I also am getting from you that you feel many successes (love, your children, respect, etc.)

I give you high marks for accentuating the positive and wanting to make another human feel good and happy even if you are not happy with everything in your relationship. Best of luck to both of you.

 

[LWulf]

First, I'd suggest you don't make any decisions yourself. If you're going to bypass valentines day, then discuss it with her.

Second, it sounds like you are trying to survive your marriage instead of just one day. True, a marriage is one day at a time, but... Counseling or medical checkup sounds like a right way to go. My gut feeling is that it's more of a counseling issue than medical, but it could be either.

 

[Rockwell12]

I think that ignoring the "holiday" and pretending it doesn't exist is in someway encouraging her way of thinking. She'll either think "great, we're on the same page about this. We're both happy being entirely platonic and asexual" or she'll be resentful that you didn't even make the effort (even if she had no intention of reciprocating your affection - she might still like to have her ego stroked that you find her desirable). Either way, the idea that your relationship is asexual is more firmly entrenched. The only thing gained from this I guess is that you save yourself the indignation of making the effort and being rebuffed.

I hate to say it but I agree with a couple of the posters above. I think it's tremendously harmful to the foundation of your marriage that one person unilaterally decides "we'll no longer have sex." I see it as a need that is being denied by someone who claims to love you. How much effort would it take to make you satisfied? Probably relatively little...yet it's seemingly too much. I don't like shopping but I'm willing to go with my wife solely because it makes her happy.

I think the right way to go about it is to be very honest with her that lack of intimacy is making you very unhappy. It might open up a discussion where you can learn what is behind her way of thinking. Often there is a subtle resentment going on.
I think if you tell her your feelings at least you've made the effort. I think many people could understand cheating under certain circumstances. We only have one life to live and surrendering your sexuality for the remainder of your life is not a reasonable thing for your spouse to ask of you.

Of course there are two sides of the argument.

Good luck.

 

[LWulf]

Kinda like what Mr. Garibaldi said in "Shadow Dancing"
"...the thing is: sometimes people walk away because they want to be alone, and sometimes they walk away because they want to see if you care enough to follow them into hell."

(The funny thing is, that might be a case of me, quoting someone else who reiterated me.)

 

[philos]

Best of luck to all us hopeless romantics tomorrow. Happy Valentine’s Day

 

[Heartsongs]

Sounds good but the fallout would be terrible. I couldn’t hurt her like that even if it means hurting myself.

And that is true love. Just tell her you love her and Happy Valentines.
The commercialized expectations of what the day is supposed to be has basically ruined the day for me. Trying to fulfill an expectation is more prominent than just sitting on the couch and holding hands. True love is felt and given from the heart. It's not the roses, chocolate, diamonds, and sexy lingerie. (Some may beg to differ on that).

Valentine's Day should be like everyday. Just let those you love know you love them. You don't know what the next day may bring.

Happy Valentines

 

[FGB]

IF you are going to stay married to her you two need to talk.

If she isn't going to do what she should she needs to give YOU permission to either find a FWB or hire a escort type long term mistress if you have the money.

Yes. I know it's a lot of money and expense and it certainly is NOT what you had in mind and signed up for...I am just saying I know of several marriages that have this sort of thing going on.

The key to making it work is your wife and her permission. If she is not willing to make that concession and NOTHING else works out I hate to say but it might be time to start over.

It sucks I know. But if not now ...WHEN. the longer you wait after there is no hope the harder it is. Been there done that.

I recommend trying everything else first.