surviving the affair

[jeninflorida]

so can a marriage survive an affair? what about fictional characters? when you read a story that has an affair does that turn you off? or, do you see an opportunity to introduce a 3rd lover?

 

[nakdsub]

Well, no one else seems to want to tackle this so

I guess I'll give it a shot.

I guess it all boils down to a person's attitude. There are many that consider sex as a fun release and don't seem to attach all the emotional ties to it that others do. I have personally known couples who have survived infidelity by one, or sometimes both, spouses.

Then there are the ones like myself who do attach all ties of intimacy and the ultimate expression of a person's love for another. I have had sex with many women, but never my wife, I have only made love to her. It's a different mind-set. For us poor slobs the answer is no.

Let me clarify something, I have had sex with women, BUT NEVER WHEN I WAS MARRIED! For me, to go out and seek sex with a woman when you have a wife with whom you make love, is a little like going out and seeking to drive a Gremlin, when you have a Lincoln in the drive.

 

[Pure]

i think the results of an affair *found out* have fallen into three categories (and in between; also sequential, depending on behavior):

1) transient effect, great upset, but which passes. lasting memories. (some degree of repentance; some degree of forgiveness) no divorce.

2) lasting effect, great upset, and continuing ill feeling and suspicion (possibly no change of behavior; but if so, no forgiveness), but no divorce.

3) fatal effect, great upset, divorce or equivalent.
====

a story with an affair does not turn me off. i have heard true stories (i.e. accounts) many times.

---

i don't understand your last question, though possibly it's addressed to authors of stories which may involve marriage and affair(s).

 

[amofiga]

People should regard stories here about affairs as fantasy and fiction. They should open their minds and think "what if". It's the same as stories about incest or S&M or what ever issues might make many people in the "real world" react with horror or disgust. This site is designed to be a forum for fantasy as well as fact. It's an opportunity to slip into another world and try to experience it without repercussions.

There are many people who have affairs for many different reasons. Some are quick bump and run hook ups and some are long term relationships that come about from issues that may be lacking in a marriage but for which the people involved do not wish to end the marriage. Presidents have had them. Think Franklin D Roosevelt. Actors have had them. Think Spencer Tracy and Katherin Hepburn. Everyday people have them. When they are found out, they can result in divorce but don't have to. It depends on other issues in the marriage. Marriage is NOT only about sex. Sex is only a part of what is to be a lifelong bond that should be stronger than just sex.

 

[GeorgiaPlatypus]

Most people would consider an affair to be a clandestine relationship, which results in the infidelity frequently associated with a lack of loyalty and respect for one's partner. Forgiving the transgression is difficult when trust is broken.

If there is an open sexual liaison between one or more married individuals with the consent (or at the very least, knowledge) of all partners involved, the deception and dis-respect commonly associated with an affair are greatly minimized. Relationships stand a much better chance of survival in these circumstances.

 

[amofiga]

Most people would consider an affair to be a clandestine relationship, which results in the infidelity frequently associated with a lack of loyalty and respect for one's partner. Forgiving the transgression is difficult when trust is broken.

.

I'm not a real Gordon Liddy fan, but once I was listening to a discussion on his radio show about affairs, and he said something to the tune of "fidelity in a marriage is about much more than just sexual exclusivity." I understood what he said. There is more to a marriage than just sex. There is loyality to the overall family unit and the mutual desire to provide for the growth and well being of children. There is the knowledge that someone will be there for you in sickness and in health till death do you part. If either a husband or a wife is ready to walk away simply because the other had sex with another person, then there was not much depth there in the first place.

Sex per se, is a relatively simple animal event. It does not necessarily require that you love the person with whom you are having it, nor does it mean that you necessarily have to have sex with someone you truly love. The two are compatible and can make both experiences better, but they are not necessarily required together.

Take for instance the Clintons as an example. Who really knows what their marriage is based on. Is it love, super sex, family loyality, or some mutual desire to operate as a powerful political team? Bill Clinton was often the butt of many jokes with resect to Paula Jones, Jennifer Flowers, Monica Lewinski. But when it all shook out, Hillary stuck with him. Why? Only she knows. Does she love the man beyond his flings, or does she just want to trade on the name for politial gain? Was it for the benefit of Chelsea? Who knows? All I know is that at this point, the man is becoming a powerful force for the good of many poor and suffering people that will be helped by his foundation. He is a bigger man than his affairs and Hillary is a bigger woman than one who would have walked away because of them.

So, my point is simply, an "affair" is not necessarily the end of the world. "Surviving it" requires that there be a stronger foundation to the marriage and evidence of stronger "stuff" making up the people involved. Please don't assume that all affairs destroy people or marriages. Forgiveness is indeed divine and marriges need to be based on more than a simple "sexual exclusivity" agreement. A real marriage between two people does NOT require either a piece of paper or the presence of a clergyman or a set of black and white rules, and it even doesn't require two people of opposite sex. What it does require is a mutual desire to remain together for a higher purpose than just what one does with one's genitals.

 

[nakdsub]

Gad! OMO your are so clueless

Yes, you said it, "There is loyalty to the overall family unit" what kind of loyalty is there is a spouse cheats?

You're right, there is a lot more to it than sex. It's betrayal! When you take marriage vows there is a part in there that says, "forsaking all others," you really think that doesn't mean anything?

Unless you have an open sexual relationship, going behind a spouses back and having sex with another person is betraying the trust and that loyalty to the overall family unit. Don't think so? Just ask the children of a divorced couple where the cause was infidelity.

 

[emap]

so can a marriage survive an affair? what about fictional characters? when you read a story that has an affair does that turn you off? or, do you see an opportunity to introduce a 3rd lover?

Bad jen, you totally put this in the wrong section. I would have dropped by a lot sooner if you stuck this in ideas.

For writing a story on literotica there is one question you have to answer. Do you want this in loving wives or elsewhere? Well there is a second question. If you want it in loving wives do you want them to like it or send you tons of hate mail?

Assuming you don't want it in loving wives, I'm of the opinion that you should add a third lover to the bed. Call me a sicko if you want but I'm leaning toward a second man and they engage in sex with each other.

Now if you want it in loving wives and want the hate mail. Well that is easy, she gets fucked in front of her husband and he gets her for sloppy seconds. Course I do want to have another gangbang and my mind drifts that way sometimes. So to acknowledge my perv brain husband watches her lead a train and gets her as the caboose.

Loving wives and less hate mail, well you got three avenues. First, she gets with the new guy and leaves her husband for him. Second, she gets with the new guy and leaves him for her husband. Third you have the usual ending, she gets with the new guy, gets knocked up and they both kick her ass.

 

[Brockstud]

The hate mail thing always bugs me, I always enjoy reading stories where a wife cheats and i've never understood why people who have a distaste for it would go to that section, click on the story, read it and then make a comment.

Seems like a waste of time for that hateful person and it boggles my mind.

 

[amofiga]

The hate mail thing always bugs me, I always enjoy reading stories where a wife cheats and i've never understood why people who have a distaste for it would go to that section, click on the story, read it and then make a comment.

Seems like a waste of time for that hateful person and it boggles my mind.

Why is there such distaste for stories about affairs? On any given day in this world, millions of people, men and women, are engaged in affairs of one sort or another. There is one type with the SOB guy or bitch wife who are out ther fucking around with no rhyme or reason other than that they can't keep their pants on, i.e. sex adicts. There are others having affairs because of issues in strained marriates which they don't want to break up for tons of reaons, but need to find someone who will be their non-judgemental friend and lover if you prefer that word. If such a story is presented in a sensitive manner in order to explore the motivations, actions, and feelings of these people, then why are some people so hard over on this? Stories of this type can be done with emotion and sensitivity, and might even make some people take stock of their own relationships to help prevent the kind of environment that fosters affairs.

Yes, I know that there are affairs that have caused tremendous hurt and upheaval in marriages. I also know that there have been affairs that have helped people remain in so-so marriages for years in order to preserve peace and stability for kids until they are perhaps older and can understand better. I'll bet that half or more of the people reading this site have either had affairs or seriously thought about them. It might be good to explore the motivations as part of a fictional story to assess feelings and thoughts held in out own mind.

As I've said in a previous post, one of the things that is good about the type or erotic and gritty stories here is that it allows one to transend reality for a bit, and throw themselves into scenarios that they might not explore in real life, S&M, incest, affairs, whatever types of sexual one may have thought about or perhaps felt somewhat negative about. Sometimes it can make you take a second look to try to understand others. To me, that's what fantasy is all about. If you're locked into the conventionsl lifestyle of the everyday person, then what's the point? Reality is reality and can be pretty humdrum in a steady diet. Hell, people like to go to spy movies and war movies and si fi movies to suspend reality for a couple of hours. Why not fantasy stories about things you might find hard to accept in real life. Some movies about affairs such as "Fatal Attraction" or "Infidelity" can foster some real introspection and even discussion between spouses willing to do so without judgement and finger pointing. Ok, so now I'm ready for bricks and bottles to be thrown at me.

 

[werdsmith]

if this site can't be a "judgement-free zone" what site can? :shrug:

 

[NiceyJane123]

Why is there such distaste for stories about affairs? On any given day in this world, millions of people, men and women, are engaged in affairs of one sort or another. There is one type with the SOB guy or bitch wife who are out ther fucking around with no rhyme or reason other than that they can't keep their pants on, i.e. sex adicts. There are others having affairs because of issues in strained marriates which they don't want to break up for tons of reaons, but need to find someone who will be their non-judgemental friend and lover if you prefer that word. If such a story is presented in a sensitive manner in order to explore the motivations, actions, and feelings of these people, then why are some people so hard over on this? Stories of this type can be done with emotion and sensitivity, and might even make some people take stock of their own relationships to help prevent the kind of environment that fosters affairs.

Yes, I know that there are affairs that have caused tremendous hurt and upheaval in marriages. I also know that there have been affairs that have helped people remain in so-so marriages for years in order to preserve peace and stability for kids until they are perhaps older and can understand better. I'll bet that half or more of the people reading this site have either had affairs or seriously thought about them. It might be good to explore the motivations as part of a fictional story to assess feelings and thoughts held in out own mind.

As I've said in a previous post, one of the things that is good about the type or erotic and gritty stories here is that it allows one to transend reality for a bit, and throw themselves into scenarios that they might not explore in real life, S&M, incest, affairs, whatever types of sexual one may have thought about or perhaps felt somewhat negative about. Sometimes it can make you take a second look to try to understand others. To me, that's what fantasy is all about. If you're locked into the conventionsl lifestyle of the everyday person, then what's the point? Reality is reality and can be pretty humdrum in a steady diet. Hell, people like to go to spy movies and war movies and si fi movies to suspend reality for a couple of hours. Why not fantasy stories about things you might find hard to accept in real life. Some movies about affairs such as "Fatal Attraction" or "Infidelity" can foster some real introspection and even discussion between spouses willing to do so without judgement and finger pointing. Ok, so now I'm ready for bricks and bottles to be thrown at me.

Very well put! You actually gave me pause to think about why I write the stories that I do. After reading your response, I think it has to do with my strong feelings about adultery - but I know in my heart that if my husband were to cheat, I would eventually stay with him because of the love I have for him. He's told me the same. My husband actually said to me one time that if I were to cheat on him, yes it would hurt, but he didn't think he could end the marriage and if I left him because he did, then I must not love him as much as he loves me. And this is coming from a pretty macho Marine that doesn't give second chances. For him to say something like that had a lot of weight to me.

I guess to answer the original question of whether a marriage could survive an affair, to me it would have to depend on the time of affair. If it is an instance of complete indiscretion and unintentional, I'm sure it could. However, if there is complete disregard for the feelings of the other spouse and the extramarital activities are habitual (like my Dad did to my Mom), I don't see how it could survive, or even why it should. I hope this helps. I have enjoyed this thread. Very insightful!

 

[NiceyJane123]

Correction

to me it would have to depend on the time of affair.

I meant to say the *details* of the affair.

 

[nakdsub]

For those of you who have the time....

Below is the URL to a long story about infidelity and the hurt and pain it can cause. I emphasize, this story is long and you might want to put it in your favorites, like I did, and read it in more than one sitting.
It is, however, well worth the read, and I guess, answers the original question asked here.
As a man who has gone through it, I believe this author has nailed the feelings, the hurt, and all the insecurities that are caused by cheating.
Enjoy.
http://www.literotica.com/s/requital

 

[andy_charles]

In my story "The Affair", I left the ending rather ambiguous (I thought) - open so that you could decided whether or not the characters would get back together or not.

As someone who's been cheated on before, I can appreciate at the most how humiliating it can be, but when it comes to writing the story about it the trick is to try and tell it from every perspective.

 

[StrayKat]

Yes, you said it, "There is loyalty to the overall family unit" what kind of loyalty is there is a spouse cheats?

You're right, there is a lot more to it than sex. It's betrayal! When you take marriage vows there is a part in there that says, "forsaking all others," you really think that doesn't mean anything?

Unless you have an open sexual relationship, going behind a spouses back and having sex with another person is betraying the trust and that loyalty to the overall family unit. Don't think so? Just ask the children of a divorced couple where the cause was infidelity.

It is not all so black and white as you seem to think.
What if you have certain needs your partner is incapable of understanding? Do you have to forget about ever being happy and fulfilled in ways you want to be because they are not "into it".
How many divorces happen not because of the cheating but because people come to the conclusion its pointless to live with someone who truly dont understand their desires? I can mention at least one - mine. In 26 years and two marriages I "cheated" one single time and it made me happier than all those long years of self constrains. Suppressing something is not always the best choice in life and you cant always communicate and solve everything so everyone involved gets what they want.

Think out of the box for a bit please.

 

[nakdsub]

Straykat

I can sympathize, but still don't condone cheating.

I agree, many divorces are caused when one spouse can not, or in some cases, care to fulfill the other's desires. When it happens it is very sad, but those divorces usually end in a better place after the divorce, especially when children are involved.

The pain caused by the betrayal and total disrespect of a cheating spouse is hard to overcome. I know. I have been through it as well. If my spouse had told me up front I was not meeting her needs, I would have moved mountains to try and solve the problem. If I couldn't an amicable divorce would have hurt, but I would understand.

As it was, my spouse chose to cheat on me with a good friend. Not before, or since, have I ever felt the pain as I felt when I discovered my wife's, (and friend's) betrayal. There are so many emotions involved, that I have never been able to put them all into a story. As a result, 3 times since our divorce, my ex has shown a desire to come back into my life. Without the betrayal it would be no problem since I still love her. As it stands, however, I can not get over the hurt and would never give her the opportunity to do it again.

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to judge. I do know one woman who successfully cheated on her husband for years with out him ever finding out. Yes, she had the best of both worlds, but I also know of many more who were not as lucky and the kind of pain that comes with the discovery of a cheating spouse, I don't believe any man or woman should have to endure.

Of course, again, my strong views on the subject stem from my own personal circumstances and, in no way, reflect the opinions of this forum.

 

[NiceyJane123]

It is not all so black and white as you seem to think.
What if you have certain needs your partner is incapable of understanding? Do you have to forget about ever being happy and fulfilled in ways you want to be because they are not "into it".
How many divorces happen not because of the cheating but because people come to the conclusion its pointless to live with someone who truly dont understand their desires? I can mention at least one - mine. In 26 years and two marriages I "cheated" one single time and it made me happier than all those long years of self constrains. Suppressing something is not always the best choice in life and you cant always communicate and solve everything so everyone involved gets what they want.

Think out of the box for a bit please.

I can understand, but my belief is if the marriage is unfulfilling or is leaving you wanting to cheat, it is not solid and you shouldn't stay in it. Communication is the cornerstone of any strong marriage, and if you don't have that, there is no reason to stay in it. Love is love, but it cannot be complete without honesty, trust and communication. Sorry, but that's just my opinion.

 

[StrayKat]

Of course, again, my strong views on the subject stem from my own personal circumstances and, in no way, reflect the opinions of this forum.

I thought you might have a personal reason for such strong feelings about the matter.
Just so you dont think I see things only from one side of the coin, let me tell you I know what being cheated on is on my own skin. It was not the actual reason for my first divorce but I know all the feelings of betrayal and anger it brings. I know my second husband is the type to get laid whenever he gets the chance and then look me right into the eye and say "I didnt do it". It is not just a suspicion either, I have a very real proof. I know its pointless to confront him as well, so I simply went my own "happy" way and stopped suppressing my own needs for someone who doesnt deserve it. It doesnt even feel like cheating, just rightfully getting something I was depraved of for too long finally, and I sure dont plan to go into secrecy and hiding for years. If he asked, I would tell him the truth.
I find it very interesting that he doesnt ask anything though.

I can understand, but my belief is if the marriage is unfulfilling or is leaving you wanting to cheat, it is not solid and you shouldn't stay in it. Communication is the cornerstone of any strong marriage, and if you don't have that, there is no reason to stay in it. Love is love, but it cannot be complete without honesty, trust and communication. Sorry, but that's just my opinion.

Sometimes people cant be all grand and walk away from the marriage just because they "should". Nor is love always the only reason to stay married.