supply and demand

[Krinaia]

I was thinking about supply and demand in the context of classroom lectures as applied to bdsm...


Here's the issue:

I hope for someone in my age group that I can date, experiement with and eventually hopefully submit to.

Here's the problem:

I'm only being supplied with two sorts of dominants. 1 - those that are attached. or 2 - those that are too old for me.


Should I just shut up and stop whining that only men in their forties have been approaching me? They're so lovely and tempting. I feel that if I could drag a few states closer and subtract ten years, they would be very good matches and I would be lucky to be considered not only their friends but their lovers. Maybe it is only that I need to change my attitude.

Or am I right to continue hoping for someone in my own age group/generation? mid30s to early 20s is all I ask.

Is there a reason I'm unaware of that is causing this problem? Am, I being whiny as I said? Should I broaden my horizons?

 

[Shadowsdream]

I was thinking about supply and demand in the context of classroom lectures as applied to bdsm...


Here's the issue:

I hope for someone in my age group that I can date, experiement with and eventually hopefully submit to.

Here's the problem:

I'm only being supplied with two sorts of dominants. 1 - those that are attached. or 2 - those that are too old for me.


Should I just shut up and stop whining that only men in their forties have been approaching me? They're so lovely and tempting. I feel that if I could drag a few states closer and subtract ten years, they would be very good matches and I would be lucky to be considered not only their friends but their lovers. Maybe it is only that I need to change my attitude.

Or am I right to continue hoping for someone in my own age group/generation? mid30s to early 20s is all I ask.

Is there a reason I'm unaware of that is causing this problem? Am, I being whiny as I said? Should I broaden my horizons?

No you are not being whiny...you are being selective and you are not accepting out of desperation or excitement. It makes Me proud of you when I see that you have a goal to find a Dominant within the qualifications that would attract you (in this case age/generation)

The reality is...it takes a long time to find the perfect match and sometimes it takes a long time to find a match at all. I think changing your attitude at this point would be settling for less than you desire. you will know it the minute your magic begins to speak with you and you may be surprised that age or generation will have little to do with influencing your decision to go forward or not.

 

[Krinaia]

Re: Re: supply and demand

No you are not being whiny...you are being selective and you are not accepting out of desperation or excitement. It makes Me proud of you when I see that you have a goal to find a Dominant within the qualifications that would attract you (in this case age/generation)

The reality is...it takes a long time to find the perfect match and sometimes it takes a long time to find a match at all. I think changing your attitude at this point would be settling for less than you desire. you will know it the minute your magic begins to speak with you and you may be surprised that age or generation will have little to do with influencing your decision to go forward or not.

I am currently talking to someone - who won't tell me how old he is. And he asks I call him Sir to which I put up a fuss. But out of curiousity am still talking to him. Don't ask. I'm not sure why.

I just don't want to wait until I'm 30 for the 40yr something yrd old doms to start looking more attractive. I got three emails today from three seperate such doms. It's so frustrating. I know others have bridged the generational gap. But 20 years gap? When I'm only 22? And not willing to rule out children?

But Thank you for the sentiment, SD. From you, the compliment means much.

 

[morninggirl5]

Re: Re: Re: supply and demand

I am currently talking to someone - who won't tell me how old he is. And he asks I call him Sir to which I put up a fuss. But out of curiousity am still talking to him. Don't ask. I'm not sure why.

I just don't want to wait until I'm 30 for the 40yr something yrd old doms to start looking more attractive. I got three emails today from three seperate such doms. It's so frustrating. I know others have bridged the generational gap. But 20 years gap? When I'm only 22? And not willing to rule out children?

But Thank you for the sentiment, SD. From you, the compliment means much.

SkylineBlue, I understand exactly what you're saying and feeling. I'm 34 and i definitely want children. There seem to be very few available Dom's in their 30's who are single and willing to consider children.

Curiosity is a good thing, just don't let yourself get drawn into the "I'm the best you're gonna be lucky enough to find" crap. There's someone out there who will be right for you and in the right age bracket.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: supply and demand

I am currently talking to someone - who won't tell me how old he is. And he asks I call him Sir to which I put up a fuss. But out of curiousity am still talking to him. Don't ask. I'm not sure why.

I just don't want to wait until I'm 30 for the 40yr something yrd old doms to start looking more attractive. I got three emails today from three seperate such doms. It's so frustrating. I know others have bridged the generational gap. But 20 years gap? When I'm only 22? And not willing to rule out children?

But Thank you for the sentiment, SD. From you, the compliment means much.

I agree with you 100%. I always caution submissives to think about the BIG picture when they are first entering this wonderful world of BDSM. Actually everytime they change partners.

 

[WriterDom]

Hugh Hefner is about to be a new dad. And he is 147.

I guess when you are 22, age is important. I like 30 to 50. And when you think of it, that's a pretty big range.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Hugh Hefner is about to be a new dad. And he is 147.

I guess when you are 22, age is important. I like 30 to 50. And when you think of it, that's a pretty big range.

Age can be important at any age...when I was 49 I had no intentions of owning a slave 18 years younger than I am. When I was 13 I had little interest in anyone under 21.

Age disappears when magic occurs.

The issue of children is a very valid issue for both male and female submissives.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Age can be important at any age...when I was 49 I had no intentions of owning a slave 18 years younger than I am. When I was 13 I had little interest in anyone under 21.

Age disappears when magic occurs.

The issue of children is a very valid issue for both male and female submissives.

I have noticed that many Dominants have no interest in submissives who want or have children. An issue im trying to find a solution to in my own life.

 

[ownedsubgal]

SkylineBlue, definitely do not settle for less than you truly want and desire from a mate, and that includes age. age DOES matter, despite what many say. i know what you mean about there seeming to be no male Dominants under 40....i think this is in great part to do with the fact that younger male Dominants simply do not tend to get a lot of respect in the lifestyle. because they don't have 10, 15, 20 yrs of experience, their ability to Dominate properly is questioned. submissives want their Dominant to have answers...and someone younger with little experience and lifestyle knowledge is not going to have so many answers. for these reasons i think the younger Dominants tend to stay in the background a bit, not wanting to be rejected or insulted because of their youth. but, that's just my own personal theory.

my Master is nearly 20 years older than i (btw i was 19 when i became his property, and in our case he wanted children, i did not). in my case, i knew i could never be happy with a mate who wasn't significantly older than myself. the thought of being with a 20something yr old literally disgusted and horrified me. i find a comfort and security and just a more 'this is natural, this is the way it should be" sort of vibe with men of an older generation. so i knew that the right Dominant for me would have to be at least 15 yrs older. that was absolutely non-negotiable. could be just the way fate works, but i was constantly running into the younger Dominants, those way out of my desired age range. but at the right time, Daddy found me, and i knew i was right not to compromise on age or anything else as far as what i knew i needed in a mate. the right Dominant for you is out there, and because he will be right for YOU, i doubt he will be 40 or 50something.

 

[redelicious]

Re: Re: Re: supply and demand

I am currently talking to someone - who won't tell me how old he is. And he asks I call him Sir to which I put up a fuss. But out of curiousity am still talking to him. Don't ask. I'm not sure why.

Just an aside...

I would be very careful about a prospective Dom who can't be open and honest about something as simple as his age. If he hides that information, there may be other things that he is also hiding.

I understand the curiousity, BTDT, but don't ignore potential red flags.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Here's something I've discovered recently.

The Next Generation

This is an organization of munch groups around the nation that focus on people who are 18-35.

Here's a yahoo group based on the same precept:

The Next Generation Yahoo Group

If there's not a TNG munch in your area, why don't you get pro-active and start one?? *grin*

Might be a nice way to meet some people your age, both Dom and sub.

You'll be too damn busy to whine (I think you have a valid complaint darlin...don't get me wrong LOL)

~anelize

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Or am I right to continue hoping for someone in my own age group/generation? mid30s to early 20s is all I ask.

Is there a reason I'm unaware of that is causing this problem? Am, I being whiny as I said? Should I broaden my horizons?

I had the same problem for a long while..but reversed. I enjoy dealing with Dominants and pets that are younger than me. The funny thing is, once I had my younger pet(s), I could not understand them. They made no sense to me. Their hopes and fears were different than my own. Same thing with Dominants. I did not understand them, they did not understand me.

It has just been recently that I have stumbled upon 2 lovely people, both of which are older than me by a number of years. What makes it funny? I would have never gotten to know them and come to like and respect them if I had stayed within my own particular preferences.

So I would say..don't give up on what you want but do open your possibilities a bit. After all, age does not guarantee a good Dom/me or submissive. And you never know just when or with whom, you will eventually feel that *click*

JMHO
pet

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Re: Re: Re: supply and demand

Just an aside...

I would be very careful about a prospective Dom who can't be open and honest about something as simple as his age. If he hides that information, there may be other things that he is also hiding.

I understand the curiousity, BTDT, but don't ignore potential red flags.

~~applauding~~

 

[redelicious]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: supply and demand

~~applauding~~

*smiles and bows*

Thank you.

 

[sweetbea]

Don't settle. Sometimes, yes, I do think that people can be too picky, but usually that is over superficial things, such as hair color, weight, etc. But age is a *big* consideration.

I settled. I am now in the process of getting a divorce. I had a particularly bad year in 1999. I prayed and asked for a "nice guy". Someone who didn't cheat, didn't make me feel like shit, wanted to spend time with me, etc. Well, I got him. And I talked myself into being with him. He still is all of those things, a nice guy. But I forgot to ask for a lot of other things...passion, romance, responsibility, sex drive, etc.

I feel like I am in the same boat as you. The only Doms I ever come into contact with are either older Doms (mid 40s - late 50s) or younger Doms who have no intention of "settling down". They are just looking for play partners. I am looking for a life partner. I think my ideal age would be someone in their mid to late 30s. But apparently, there is no such thing. I am 24 (for 11 more days). I honestly can't imagine being with someone who was in their late 40s+.

However, I meet people, I give them a chance. And sometimes I feel as though I am being shallow...because they *look* old. And that just doesn't do it for me. Normally, I am not all that concerned with looks, but someone who looks so old really just turns me off. I can't help it. My dad is 49. My dad probably looks to be about 39. And he acts about 35. He's cool. I guess when these guys tell me they are 45, I think "oh, younger than my dad" but when I meet them I get someone who looks/acts like my grandfather!

I do want to find someone who I can spend the rest of MY life with. Not the rest of THEIR life. I want to find someone who children will be a possibility with (not a certainty, just a possibility). I want to meet someone who has at least some of the same interests as I do (entertainment wise, music wise, etc.). I don't want someone who thinks "gee, the kids these days listen to racket, not music!". LOL. I want to find someone who can at least remember what it was like to be my age.

But at the same time, I don't want someone my age. Not 24. 24 year old boys seem sooo young in comparison to me. My ex husband is 28. He seems young in comparison to me.

Anyway, after all of my rambling...don't settle. That ONE person will come along eventually. And until then, you can always have fun meeting the wrong people

 

[Mr Blonde]

SkylineBlue: The last time I replied to one of your threads you completely took it the wrong way....oh well, here it goes again!

Let me preface by saying you already have received some advice that is solid. There is no disrespect to the previous posters. But I am going to say some very different things and you can interpret them however you please.

It sounds like you are really consorting with an inferior class of people. A man who refuses to give his age and insists you call him Sir sight unseen? LOL Does he still live with his parents? Is he employed? Sounds like a real loser.

Remember you are seeking a partner and not conducting abnormal psychology research. There is nothing fascinating about slumming and wasting your time. Everyone you spend energy getting to know should be prospective partners or at least friendship material.

You should be screening these men much more carefully. Ask them questions about why they are currently single. What is the longest committed relationship they have had? And how long ago was their last serious relationship?

Most of their answers will reveal they are poor perspective mates. Any 30+ year old man who cannot promptly answer those questions is either deceptive or a loser. It does not mean their answers have to be perfect--everyone has flaws--but they should be self-aware enough to realize their apparent standing in life.

If you are already having problems at age 22, it will continue to get much worse. All of the single women I know above 25 say that it is very slim pickings for them to find a man. It is hard for me to judge but I think their concerns are valid.

A guy has to have special circumstance to still be single past age 30. It is much easier for a quality woman to "slip through the cracks" and still be single than it is for a quality man to still be single at that age.

In the absence of finding a perfect partner, just try to make some contacts your own age. Befriend some submissive women in their 20's. You might have to suffer through being a fifth wheel for a while, but you need to get into circulation so you can be in practice and learn about yourself.

Oh, and my biggest complaint about women in their mid to late 20's? They do not spend enough time working on themselves and furthering their lives. So spend the down time sorting your own issues so when a good potential mate comes along you will be ready.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Oh, and my biggest complaint about women in their mid to late 20's? They do not spend enough time working on themselves and furthering their lives. So spend the down time sorting your own issues so when a good potential mate comes along you will be ready.

I loved your whole post Mr. Blonde. But this....THIS....wow.

I didn't have the opportunity to do this in my twenties. Nope. It took me till my late thirties to sort out my issues...that was AFTER two failed marriages and getting sober. You couldn't have given more timely and fantastic advice to a young woman.

Of course, I feel this applies to alot of people who are going through big changes in their lives.

Take some time and sort out your own your own issues FIRST, before repeating the same old relationship mistakes. You'll be glad you did.

Thanks Mr. B.

~anelize

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think it is very important to have a very set out mind of what you want and need. Set out your guidelines and start looking for Dominants that fit them. Do not accept anyone that you do not feel comfortable with and do not give up on finding your partner.

To me there are many important things to look for in a potential mate, age being the least of these. However your children question is very important, if you feel that you want to have children in the future then it is one of your most important points in the negotiation. There are many Dominants that do not want to have children seeing them as a burden in the relationship.

I do not see any shortage of mid 30 + Dominants, being myself 36 and one who is very happily attached by the way. But maybe you should not try to force the age question but look more at the person. It will be no good if you find a Dominant that is part of the age range you want but does not fit the rest of your requirements. There are Dominants in all age groups and of all kind of social standings, but it is a fact of life that if you are looking for an experienced Dominant their age will be an issue for you. It is hard to get 20 + years of experience in the lifestyle being 35/6 that would mean they would have had to start Dominating when they where 15/16.

If experience is not an issue for you mention that in your ads, you will see that the age of Dominants that apply will go down. There are many good Dominants out there that are looking for a partner to learn the ropes with, and one that is willing to start a LTR with a non experienced Dominant. Most beginning Dominants give up on finding a suitable submissive that is willing to have a LTR with. Set your goals out clearly and do not get yourself pulled into a relationship that does not fulfil your needs.

Do not get yourself pulled into poly relationships if that is not what you want or are not 100 % sure that will fulfil your needs. I do advise you to go to munches, seek out others in the ‘lifestyle’ and try to get some friends and acquaintances with whom you can talk about your feelings and needs. A mentor might be a good idea. Also you mention that you are 22, you still have tons of time, do not get impatient enjoy life, play around a bit. Experience some of the things you have been dreaming. For the rest I applaud your posting it is much better to think and talk about what you are not sure of then to just go blindly where many have gone before which would most likely set you on a course directly to disaster.

Francisco.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hmmm....children?!? Skylinechick, you are 22...have you ever considered...*whispers*casual dating?

I understand that you are looking for the right person, but the best way to equip yourself to find him is by just going out and dating a bunch of guys who are different from each other. That way, you have a basis of comparison, plus you should consider the fact that you are going to grow and change over the next 5-10 years, and what you want now is not likely to be what you want in a decade.

Good luck though, huh?

 

[Krinaia]

Hmmm....children?!? Skylinechick, you are 22...have you ever considered...*whispers*casual dating?

I understand that you are looking for the right person, but the best way to equip yourself to find him is by just going out and dating a bunch of guys who are different from each other. That way, you have a basis of comparison, plus you should consider the fact that you are going to grow and change over the next 5-10 years, and what you want now is not likely to be what you want in a decade.

Good luck though, huh?

Lol... I said it was an option I didn't want to rule out by dating someone 40something. Remember anything casual has the potential to become serious. If I were silly enough to date someone who was 45 and then silly enough to fall in love with him, well I sure would have a dilemna then. Seems by being choosey now, I can save myself the heartache later.

 

[Krinaia]

SkylineBlue: The last time I replied to one of your threads you completely took it the wrong way....oh well, here it goes again!

Let me preface by saying you already have received some advice that is solid. There is no disrespect to the previous posters. But I am going to say some very different things and you can interpret them however you please.

It sounds like you are really consorting with an inferior class of people. A man who refuses to give his age and insists you call him Sir sight unseen? LOL Does he still live with his parents? Is he employed? Sounds like a real loser.

Remember you are seeking a partner and not conducting abnormal psychology research. There is nothing fascinating about slumming and wasting your time. Everyone you spend energy getting to know should be prospective partners or at least friendship material.

You should be screening these men much more carefully. Ask them questions about why they are currently single. What is the longest committed relationship they have had? And how long ago was their last serious relationship?

Most of their answers will reveal they are poor perspective mates. Any 30+ year old man who cannot promptly answer those questions is either deceptive or a loser. It does not mean their answers have to be perfect--everyone has flaws--but they should be self-aware enough to realize their apparent standing in life.

If you are already having problems at age 22, it will continue to get much worse. All of the single women I know above 25 say that it is very slim pickings for them to find a man. It is hard for me to judge but I think their concerns are valid.

A guy has to have special circumstance to still be single past age 30. It is much easier for a quality woman to "slip through the cracks" and still be single than it is for a quality man to still be single at that age.

In the absence of finding a perfect partner, just try to make some contacts your own age. Befriend some submissive women in their 20's. You might have to suffer through being a fifth wheel for a while, but you need to get into circulation so you can be in practice and learn about yourself.

Oh, and my biggest complaint about women in their mid to late 20's? They do not spend enough time working on themselves and furthering their lives. So spend the down time sorting your own issues so when a good potential mate comes along you will be ready.

When I said I was talking to that fellow - I meant at that very moment. SOoo... the talking is no longer happening as he failed the red light test. He sounded like a poser and told a lie and tried to back out of it and also tried to make me seem unknowledgable about it. One minute he'd insult me and then when I'd tell him to go to hell, he'd use the same thing to compliment me. <Sigh>

Actually, I've found a local munch in the area I just moved to. I plan on attending th emeeting in early Feb. So hopefully that will in fact, help me meet people in my own age group. And too, I think I keep forgetting a valuable resource - my developing friendship with Sweetdommes who are active and have been active in munches in the state. So if you two are looking, we shoudl chat

I'm glad everyone has pointed out the problem of newbie dominants - it was a situation I hadn't given much consideration though, I, do have a friend that is 22, male, dominant, and completely inexperienced. That's another story entirely and a relationship (friendship or more) that I'm not totally ready to put in the discard pile.



... And as to the spending time on myself. It has only become timely possible for me in the past six months. As a student, I had a hard time remembering to brush my teeth before I collapsed into bed much less dwell on my inner self much. Too much time and energy was spent to training myself as an architect and studying. So I think, as Anelize said, it may be hard to do so in your 20s. Freetime is not something I have much.

But I did have two months this summer and I did a lot of inward dwelling... and I dealt with a lot of issues. In many ways, I'm more secure now than I have ever been.

 

[lark sparrow]

When I had just turned 22 I met a 38 year old woman and ended up living with her 6 weeks later. The relationship worked well for us for 5 years, and I still prefer older women…but if you think your parents are controlling, set in their ways and have a better way to do everything – watch out lol – this is only my experience at 22, but you might find that someone in their late 30's+ is in a very different stage of life, along with having life experience that you simply haven’t had time for yet, regardless of how intelligent or mature you may be, or how much you may have in common with them on certain levels.

In my experience being not only younger, but also simply young, with someone much older comes with a set of dynamics that may not be suitable at all if what you really want is to be with and grow with someone of your own age… personal relationship dynamics as well as public things, like having people assume they are your parent routinely, having them stroll right into 21+ events while you always get stopped at the door, having to go through your parents dealing with you dating someone who is much closer to their peer group rather than yours, their friends, your friends, not being an equal financial partner, etc. – all worth it and the dynamics are not bad ones if it’s where you want to be, but the age gap will more than likely exist in one way or another, or in many ways... particularly when you are in your early 20's and fresh out of the parent's home/financial support/college.

Wanting someone in your own defined age group is not being overly picky at all truly. In fact, going only on wanting to date and experiment, and eventually hopefully submit to someone, I don’t see why you would necessarily even have to limit your current exploration exclusively to those who overtly identify as Dominants, which may more often come with a bit of age. Conversing with someone online who won't tell his age and insists on Sir may be an indicator that you are not seriously and urgently looking for "The One", which is perfectly okay, just be safe.

 

[Krinaia]

Yah.... amen to that. Since I'm new to town, my dad knows this med student that goes to Uni here. I met him last Thanksgiving, he was working in my dad's lab at the time and went to Chicago for the conference my dad took me to (he sat in business meetings, I hit the museums)... anyhow, he was cute, funny, and intelligent and seems to come from a family that raised him right. And since he meet me in one of my less finer times and has likely heard embarassing stories about me from my father... if he calls me, he's definitely worth a few dates and I should be able to knock his socks off now that I've made so many improvements to my mental state.



And then... there is the email I received this morning. Short, didn't say much but that's okay... so I looked at the guy's profile, inexperienced but he's 27 so that's fine, we could discover stuff together. BUT he's a smoker. I have about as much desire to kiss a smoker as I do to like the inside of the toliet bowl. <sigh>

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[FungiUg]

Some great responses -- I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said well. I will reiterate the "don't settle" sentiments.

Of course, you know I am already your Master (since I told you so in a PM), so I'm sure that helps!

From my own experience, it took me to my 30s to sort a lot of my stuff out -- emotional and spiritual came first in my 20s, but sexual wasn't until four years ago now. So... I don't think that's just a woman thing. I think it's more general than that. People take time to grow into themselves.

And yes, too large an age-gap can cause issues with raising a family, with energy levels, with friends and associates, etc. But if the "magic" is there, none of that may matter. So do be open minded. But... don't settle.