Summary

[Dream Keeper]

I have already begun this story, but I am not entirely sure that I should continue the story. It is one of the hottest, and most descriptive stories I've written so far. Now that I think about it, I am going to post it anyway, but I would just like to hear a little bit of reader opinions first. I am not going to post the whole story here because, it is too long, it is unfinished, and some of the content might offend people. I will just sumarize the events of the first chapter, and ask for your opinions of the plot and etcetera.

Note: This story contains reference to homosexual behavior, if you find this offencive, please do not read my summary, and simply leave.

Summary:
(Please excuse spelling and grammar errors, I was in a hurry.)
In the first chapter, the main character is introduced. Justin, a young man in his late teens. He has brown hair and blue eyes, slight muscular build... you can just picture the rest yourself 'cause I want this to be secret. Anyway, he is just begining to enjoy his summer at the end of his high school senir year. He is laying around the house, when he is startled by a phone call, and his grandmother has bought him plane tickets to come visit his relatives. Justin is ecstatic, and can't wait to see his family, and his obsession. Shane, his next door neighbor since age 4 will be waiting there to greet him. Justin has always had feelings for shane, but never got a chance to tell him when he moved away at the end of middle school. Justin now has his chance to tell Shane the way he feels, even if it costs him everything. When justin wakes up the next morning, he immediatly jumps into the shower and this partof the story involves a very hot masturbation scene. After Justin gets out of the shower he realizes he willl be late for his plane, so he rushes out the door, and just barely makes it to his plane in time. Thus ending the first chapter.

The second chapter consists of Justin going to a baseball game with his family and his obsession, Shane. Niether of them enjoy sports, so they slip away to a corner near the concession stand, and have a talk. Justin decides now isn't the best time to tell Shane how he feels, so he messes with shanes head, flirting with him one minute and ignoring him the next. Suspenseful. I think that's all I should tell you right now, but tell me if anyone likes the idea. I would also like to point out that this is not my story, just a very vague summary. I am not asking for people to point out things I should have added unless you truely believe that I do not have it in my story. (although I probably do) I am just asking for opinions on the general idea for the story. I am hoping to finish the first three chapters and submit them by this weekend. Thanks for your input.

-Dk http://graphics.gaiaonline.com/forum/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif

 

[BlackShanglan]

The devil's in the details. This could, of course, be a great story. Equally, it could be awful (no offense intended - not that I think it will be!). It's just difficult to tell you if it will be good based solely on a brief summary of the plot. You might tell the story brilliantly, with fabulous depth and characterization and an excellent eye for description, in which case we'd all love it. On the other hand, you might tell it in a tedious way that would put us all off. There's really only one way to know ...

Post that baby Or some chunk thereof. I promise to be gentle -

Shanglan

 

[Dream Keeper]

Thank-you BlackShanglan, I think. Maybe I could give some examples, and perhaps entice you a bit. Here are some experpts from the story. I would show you the whole thing, but it must be a secret...

Oh, what the hell, here's a small portion of the best part of the first chapter. Ugh I shouldn't be doing this...

My eyes closed and began to picture a beautiful man in the shower with me, standing level with me, and watching me stroke myself. Long blonde hair hung down to nearly his shoulders, and his eyes were a beautiful green, resembling bright luminescent emeralds. He stood in front of my with a huge cock dangling between his gorgeous muscular legs, and reached down to grip me. I watched his powerful biceps flex as his hand grasp my dick firmly. I reached down towards his cock, and found his hand guiding me down, anticipating every move. As my hand touched his erect penis, he guided me up and down for a while, and finally let me take him on my own. As I began to stroke harder I felt his grip tighten with mine. He was perfectly synchronized with me, and with every stroke and slight twist he returned it double. I began to gently moan when, out of nowhere, he grabbed me and shoved his tongue down my throat. I slid my tongue across his, slowly feeling every bit of the inside of his mouth, and touching the tip of his tongue against mine. He kissed me romantically, but in a powerful way. His lips seemed to lock with mine, and his breath against my face caused me to tremble with pleasure. Our tongues licked across one another gently and swiftly, causing me to moan silently to myself...

Ok, that's all you get. Tell me if this was enjoyable, and also if you would like to hear more. (Why wouldn't you? ) Also, tell me if there is anything that I left out, or should get rid of.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Gently gently ...

OK Bits I liked and bits I didn't.

My eyes closed and began to picture a beautiful man in the shower with me, standing level with me, and watching me stroke myself. Long blonde hair hung down to nearly his shoulders ...

All good, I can see him there and this is a good description in that it avoid being just a list of statistics or a weird point of view thing where the character goes on and on about how beautiful s/he is (i.e., talking about himself).

his eyes were a beautiful green, resembling bright luminescent emeralds.

Not so good, for two reasons. First, the choice of metaphor. Unfortunately, describing something green as looking like an emerald is very, very common. Because of this, the expression has begun to lose its force. It doesn't strike the reader as new, fresh, or exciting; it's really not much more informative than just saying "green." Can you think of something else that carries more power and more visual impact?

The other issue here is wordiness. If you were sticking with emeralds, I'd suggest "his eyes were a bright emerald green" and trim it down. Description needs attention to targeting - God knows mine does, I am awful at this - and should ideally involved choosing a small number of powerfully evocative words rather than - as I all too often do myself - firing a large number of flabby and less evocative words around the target.

I watched his powerful biceps flex ...

I do this ALL of the TIME and this is why I noticed it. I am constantly having people announce what they watch or what they see, and I have to force myself to go back and change it. Why? It subverts action. Instead of watching him, we're watching you watching him. Just go to "His powerful biceps flexed" and leave the watching out of it.

While we are there, can we use something more visual than "powerful"? Let me see those delectable muscles of his that are no doubt setting your narrator's knees to trembling.

I began to gently moan when, out of nowhere, he grabbed me and shoved his tongue down my throat. I slid my tongue across his, slowly feeling every bit of the inside of his mouth, and touching the tip of his tongue against mine. He kissed me romantically, but in a powerful way.

The confluence of "gently," "grabbed," "shoved his tongue down my throat," then "slowly" and "romantically," is difficult to handle. The emotional values of these words are very different. Some are soft and tender, others rough and harsh. It's giving something of an inconsistant feel to the piece. I'd think carefully on what he's doing and try to concentrate on physical actions. I.e., what is he doing with his motuh that makes it both romantic and powerful?

Your description of the narrator's actions is much more clear. I can really feel exactly what he is doing, and I personally would like to see more like that.

Fair enough? I hope that that all made sense. I like the plot and the shower fantasy - showers are such a great setting for that sort of thing, so inherently soothing and yet stimulating. The description could use a little brushing up, but by all means go with the story

Shanglan

 

[Dream Keeper]

I'm glad you pointed those things out, as I pasted them into my post I was thinking much of the same things. I didn't realize until just now how right you are about the "watching" thing. I understand now. I'm glad you liked it in general, but I can tell you are not entirely pleased, and hardly near enthusiatic. As you probably guessed this is a rough draft, first I had to put my ideas on paper. The only problem with that is, I love my ideas so much, I tend to want everyone to hear it immediatly, before I have really brushed up on the details. I sort of understand about the emeralds, although I have never heard that one before. It just kind of came to me, and I hadn't recalled ever hearing it used in peticular. Perhaps its used in a genre that I don't usually read when I'm bored. BDSM for example, I heaven't read anything in that category yet, although it sounds interesting. Anyway, As for that last part about the quick changes from violent to gently and etcetera, I must say that I did this on purpose to kind of give the reader an interesting outlook on the nameless stud. He was supposed to be portrayed as the Gentle Seme, so to speak. (If you know what a Seme is...) I may have overdone it a little, with all of the switchig between forcefulness and relaxing romanticness. (is that a word?) I really wanted the reader to feel what it was like to be softly controlled by this mysterious stranger though, just the thought turned me on.

-Dk http://graphics.gaiaonline.com/forum/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Speaking to the story outline only, I’m a little concerned that nothing happens in the first chapter except for exposition and a masturbation scene. In other words, the story itself—which concerns Julian and Shane—won’t begin until the second chapter, so I don’t know what you’ll fill the first chapter with.

I’m a big believer in starting a story where the story actually begins, not with explanation and exposition, so I would probably start it with Julian getting off the plane.

---dr.M.

 

[Varian P]

Dream Keeper,

The first thing I’d propose you ask yourself is why you feel conflicted about writing this story which you say is one of your hottest. If it’s a personal reason, that’s one thing, but if it’s because you feel that the story itself is simply not compelling, perhaps you can take some of your hot descriptions and work them into a story that you, the author, feel is worthy of your time and effort, or else think about how this story can be developed to be stronger.

From the outline and the excerpt you’ve offered so far it seems to me that the story could go either way. There’s nothing inherently bad nor inherently brilliant about the premise—whether the final product is dull or delightful will be determined by how the action unfolds, how the characters develop, and how successfully you portray their encounters.

For example, you’ve offered us a glimpse of the masturbation scene. Two hot and eager guys in a shower? Who could say no to that? And the idea of the gentle control exerted by the stranger is an enticing one.

I’d suggest, however, that the way the scene is conveyed could use a bit of finessing. For example, in one line the stranger’s “huge cock” is “dangling” and a couple lines later it’s erect. While a few moments have passed in the interim and it’s not implausible that this change has occurred, I found it a little jarring to the narrative. Continuity aside, you could add some delightfully arousing details by having your narrator describe what caused this pleasant change—was it the narrator’s eyes on the stranger’s cock that made it twitch and harden? Was it when the stranger’s hand grasped the narrator’s dick? For me, details like that add a lot—both by enhancing the arousing image I get, and by adding to the believability of the characters’ arousal.

And a little nitpicky thing:

“My eyes closed and began to picture”

When one closes their eyes and uses their imagination, I’d argue that their eyes aren’t doing the picturing. I’d go with

“My eyes closed and I began to picture…”

or

“My eyes closed, I saw a beautiful man…”

Hope that’s helpful.

Varian