Summary of the "Flames" Thread

[ReallyOldLady]

Please note:
The "important" stuff is in bold red within this for ease in location.


Literotica Discussion Board - Advice w/out flames please
http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=49498

This is, course, much MUCH less than what the original thread contains. I did try, though. If you are in the least bit inclined, please go read over there.

Kathleen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please tell us:
How to get an address to mail things to. Is there another care package being put together or do we mail direct?
Sex, ages and clothes/shoe sizes of children
Any special interests the children have- hobbies, etc.
Thanks!

This begins 10-11-2001

Jeni: I post semi-regularly on the board. Although I haven't posted much recently. Right now I would just like some advice on how to get out of a bad situation.

Laurel:
If you really are a regular BBer, and assuming this isn't a troll post (which I do not think it is), then please PM or email me if you feel comfortable doing so and I would be willing to see if there's anything I can do to help from afar.

Jeni:
Thank you everyone for the kind responses. I feel better knowing I shouldn't be blaming myself.
Things are going to get better. All that matters is that I make a new life for my kids.
A special thanks to Laurel her words meant so much. I guess the most important thing is after hearing from you guys, some of my self-esteem has returned. I have a job interview today and if that works out, I'll feel like something has been accomplished.
I hate posting as unregistered, but I hope you can understand why I'm a little ashamed to find myself in this position.
Thank you again for not judging me. It's what I've gotten used to.

Cheyenne:
I also understand why you posted as unregistered, but wanted to add that I don't think you'd have been flamed by anyone had you posted under your regular name. You didn't ask for your husband to get into drugs, you just have to deal with it. Not your fault.

MishkarinaSkye:
I totally believe that God never gives one what one cannot handle. So, with that, try to be strong, stay positive and look for help.

Jeni:

Again I can't thank everyone enough for the uplifting words. I've been living in this hell so long, I've been afraid to tell anyone.
Since I've started reaching out, I have been offered some lifesaving assistance. I can truly say that ANGELS do exist. Phone calls made to several agencies this morning have made one point obvious, aside from shelter, first thing I need to do is separate myself from my husband permanently. We've been separated in the past, but I grew to believe I HAD to depend on him and we always got back together. I really can't explain how his addiction battered me mentally.
He has never been physically violent, yet. When he doesn't have money for drugs, withdrawal will set in and he gets nasty. So far he has never gone past yelling at me.
I have an appt w/ legal aid in the morning to see about getting a legal separation. They base their rates on your income, and with no income I might be able to afford it. Once my caseworker knows that I have legally separated from him, she can see that I get more help.
I contacted the Salvation Army and they can provide temporary emergency shelter if it comes to that. They will also provide free counseling which I think I seriously need. For so long I have blamed myself, to the point that I felt I was unworthy of getting out of the relationship. Like I deserved what I was getting.
As far as family members go, unfortunately I was not blessed w/ a large family. I recently lost my mom to cancer, and my dad is only around when it benefits him. My brother is in Florida, but he has his demons to face.
Seeing that I've been the one condemning myself, and that others see hope for me, I think things might just be okay. Already I feel better and not as lost as I was when I first posted this. My major goal is to make life better and healthier for my kids, and I think I just may be able to do that.

 

[ReallyOldLady]

Page 2

Kymberley
My husband never once hurt me or my sons until the drugs.

Dixon Carter Lee
I'm willing to send 20 bucks to Laurel if you don't mind charity, and if Laurel finds it possible to take on the burden of passing along my (and anyone else's) gifts. Don't say no if it means your kids get groceries.

Jeni
Wow, I never expected all these uplifting responses. Every post brings more tears.
Brief update: A restraining order has been filed. He hasn't been seen in now 7 days, but the police department has had cars drive by quite a bit tonight. When I talked to one of the police officers, and mentioned the drugs my husband is taken (oxicotin's and herion when the oxi's aren't available), the officer said the worry would be when he is in withdrawal (which I knew). So I can prolly expect him to try and get in a few days from now.
An Angel (there really is no other way to describe her) has sent me some money to help w/ living arrangements. Temporary or permanent I'm not sure. I tried to contact my landlord today, but he wasn't around.
I talk to legal aid tomorrow. *sigh* I really feel like I can do this, but it all seems so daunting. I know I have to do this. My kids deserve so much more, and they deserve a healthier environment. They don't understand the Jekyll and Hyde personality of their dad and it breaks my heart.
I just want everyone here to know that all of your advice, support and kind words have given this mom the kick in the ass she needs to get her life together.
Thank You!!!

Laurel
Besides the offers on this thread, I've received several emails asking if we would be willing to coordinate any donations of money and/or toys for "Unregistered" and her children. I think it is a wonderful idea, and I would be happy to do so. I've been in contact with "Unregistered", and she is in fact a regular Literotican. If you have an interest in donating, please PM me and I will give you more information on how you can get it to us so we can get it to her and her kids.

I will not publicly share the names of the people who do decide to get involved, but I will - unless anyone prefers to remain anonymous - give the list of names to "Unregistered" so she's aware of who's giving what.
This is totally voluntary, and no one should feel obligated. "Unregistered" posted this looking only for emotional support. Anything beyond that is more than anyone expected. Your kind words, I'm sure, mean just as much to her as anything else.

 

[ReallyOldLady]

page 3

Jeni
Thank you everyone. I posted as unregistered because right now, the last thing I need is anymore criticism about how I let this happen. I get plenty of that IRL. In fact, I've been told quite often by him and some friends that he wouldn't be taking drugs if I made him happier. *Shrug* He started taking heavy drugs when I was pregnant w/ our 2 1/2 year old. You would think having his baby proved something.
I've met a lot of wonderful people since I started surfing the net last year. I met my best friend Slow who I love dearly, and who has seen me thru the worst of times. Out of loneliness, I spent more and more time online. Something else he throws in my face. Yet when I tried to make things works he would go off on a bender, usually after selling the VCR or TV. He has left countless times, we have separated a few times, but it always ended up w/ him promising things would change, and I stupidly believing him.
I always thought I would do anything to give my girls a real family. Something I never had growing up. I made the mistake, though, of believing I had to stay with him to provide that family. I let him be in charge of everything. Finances especially. He would pat me on the head and tell me not to worry about anything, just be a good mom and take care of the house. So that's what I have done the past 3 years. Each time we separated, he paid the bills. I recently found out he paid them by borrowing from his family and maxing the credit cards. Since June when he lost his last job, he has not contributed anything. We went from him making over $600/week to my paltry $250. His car was repo'd and then he wrecked mine. Of course car insurance was one of the bills he said he paid, but never did.
His addiction, as far as I can figure, costs him around $80 a day. His most recent escapade was to steal the rent money I had put aside, and he hasn't been seen since. When the money is gone he'll be back. Only this time, he is in for a surprise. Because out of desperation the other night (after my landlord told me I would be evicted on Friday), I posted on a porn board seeking advice. The advice, and stories and support that I rec'd, have given me enough strength so far, to file for a restraining order and seek help from some area agencies.
It isn't going to be easy. I never expected it to be. I also never expected the outpouring of support I found here. Laurel is amazing, she keeps telling me in PM I'm a badass mom, and I'm going to make it. I think she may be right. Kymberly is sharing some painful memories w/ me to help me see that I am not alone, and that I can survive this. Risiaskye, your post, along with Laurel's, about how your childhoods were affected by substance abuse, have given me hope that my girls will be okay. From reading other posts from you, how eloquent and intelligent they are, I can see you are doing fine despite your past. Same as Laurel.
So now that I have come out of the Unregistered closet, I hope you understand why I posted anonymously in the first place. I feel as if any dignity or pride I ever possessed has been taken away from me. I never expected, or asked for anything more than advice. I want you all to understand that. The kind words and encouragement have been wonderful. It's amazing what you're words and advice have done for me.
Thank You,
Jeni

Jeni
So I decide to come clean and toss my cookies in the process.
I am unregistered.
*Shaking my head*

 

[ReallyOldLady]

page 4 and 5

Jeni
I started my job Wednesday. It's working out good. Been damn cold at the bus stop though . This coming Monday I start CNA training, after which I'll get a nice raise in pay.
I've attended 2 ALAnon meetings. They've been very wonderful. I've learned alot. I'm very close to not blaming myself. I still have moments when I wonder if I had done something different, maybe he wouldn't have his addictions.
He has stopped calling me all the time. The only type of threat he has made was that he wouldn't give me a divorce. He hasn't asked to see or talk to the girls. *sigh* He has asked to borrow money.
I've applied to several area agencies for help w/ Nov. rent, and am still waiting to hear back. Keep your fingers crossed. I think that would be my last obstacle. Since I am working, covering Dec. will be no problem.
I have more to post, and I will soon.
Jeni

Jeni
Thanx again everyone.
Cym...I recently had the chance to discuss things w/ my daughter's teacher. She hadn't noticed any changes in behavior yet, but she had noticed that my daughter wasn't as organized as she used to be. Don't know if it is related, but her teacher is keeping an eye on her. Thank you for the encouragement.
ReallyOldLady...I don't know about being an example. I ignored his problem for a long time. *sigh* Anyway, right now I have nothing towards Nov. rent. Yesterday I rec'd 2 rejection letters from 2 of the agencies (GDAA and The Other Place) I applied for emergency help. Seems as if every agency chooses one family a month, and this is not my month. Still waiting to hear back from the last one.
I do want to add, that if anyone is in this situation and need help of any kind, the United Way is wonderful. They will give you a list of all the contacts they have in your area. They have social workers available 24/7. It's just a wonderful organization.
Maybe I sound a little bit bitter this AM. I found out last night, that my mother-in-law has given him the money to buy himself a car. She never once asked or inquired about me or the girls. She knows he has a drug problem. Yet she still sent him $400, and right now I'd say over half of that is flowing thru his veins right now. It just makes me sick, that no matter what he does, he gets ahead.
Oh well...thank you again to everyone for all the encouragement. The wonderful PM's. Everything.
Jeni

Jeni
This is the thought I hold onto. Eventually he is going to screw her over. She will have to face his addictions like we did, and for once in my life I can tell another adult I told you so! Petty I know, but it helps.
ReallyOldLady...rent is $500 on the first/$525 after. We have been late paying rent for the past 5 months (I only found this out last month). According to the landlord, I really can't be late anymore. Even knowing what's going on, he still can't keep making all these allowances for me. I plan on talking to him on Tuesday though, when he returns from vacation.
I have rec'd boxes from 2 wonderful Lit members. I don't want to post names unless they say it is ok. One had a bunch of kids clothes that are really coming in handy. Plus some other treats. The other had some Pull-ups for the little one, a dress for the older one and some other goodies. According to Madam Laurel, another package is on its way from her and Manu and others who sent things to them. So I'll keep you posted. And please anyone PM me if you don't mind me posting your name.
Everyone here is wonderful.
Jen

JeniThanx Cym and Isolde for the encouragement.
Update: All agencies applied to for emergancy rental assistance turned me down. Guess my case isn't needy enough. Still waiting to talk w/ my landlord. He never seems to be around.
Job is going good though. Nurse Aide training ends Sunday. I had yesterday and today off, and of course I'm sick. *sigh*
AlAnon has been a lifesaver. I've attended 4 meetings. It really helps to get your fears out in the open.
Anyway...just wanted to update ya.

ReallyOldLady
This is an update from Bubblegum *sugarless* on the current events.
Her husband showed up at her home last week and, in her own words, he "wasn't very nice." Assault charges have been filed and she has moved out of state due to safety concerns for her and her children. She states that her mail has been forwarded already so if you have been sending goodies nad that oh-so-helpful cash, it will still get to her.
Jeni doesn't really have much computer access right now to be checking the boards. If you wish to contribute with items or cash, please send a PM or e-mail to Laurel and she will direct you where to send it.

Reallyoldlady
Currently she is in Kentucky and will be traveling to Florida beginning Sunday. She has already had her mail forwarded and states that will be okay. Her borther has found her a place to live for 360/month-bills paid. He also has a car that he can share with her.
Her children are very confused and, of course, they can't understand. They are aching to get back to normalcy.
She also stated that she is not sure if she has any internet access in her home-to-be and that she can't wait to get back here. If her mailbox gets full and begins to reject your messages to her, please send them to me and I will e-mail them to her or just use her e-mail function yourself.

 

[ReallyOldLady]

Page 6

SweetCherry
And for those who can't afford to help financially, please remember, I'm sure she could use any and all prayers to whatever Higher Power you pray to. Please think of her in a spare moment. I know I will.
~~~~~
She has a 7 yr old and a 2 yr old. I'm not overly sure on her 7 yr old's sizes, but the 2 yr old is in 2 and 3T's. I THINK her 7 yr old is somewhere around a size 8 or 9. No quoting me on that tho.
Her little one isn't fully trained yet, so things like pull ups would be useful. With Christas coming up, I know her older daughter loves barbie. Maybe for those who are willing to send a package, instead of trying to figure out which toys they would like, try sending a gift card to Wal-Mart or something. Toys are great for little kids, but when they need food and clothes more, toys aren't always needed. Personally, when my family asks me what I want for the kids for holidays, I ask them to get clothes instead

ReallyOldLady
her mail is being forwarded. Laurel can still compile money, cards, and care packages (I am assuming she is still providing that service, if I am not correct, please let me know, Laurel.)
For a money suggestion, I have committed to myself to send the same amount I would blow on a dinner out to her when I get each of my paychecks. It does not "hurt" so much and I figure that money is much better spent by her on their needs than sitting in the fat on my legs.
The sizes mentioned above sound accurate to me. Most kids are their age when it comes to size. A 4 year old is usually a size 4 (so buy one size larger). I sent a dress that I think was a size 9 and she said it fit (her older daughter) perfectly. Things on the sale racks would be perfect--especially since they are moving south.
They are starting over. Things that fall into the "starting over" category would be good. Perhaps someone who has recently gone through a move would be good. I would also suggest if you are a coupon clipper to include a few coupons for things you enjoy to be sent too. When we were "dirt poor" the coupons that were given to me saved our hides.
Of course, postage stamps are always appreciated too. Phone cards might be really helpful right now too. I can't think any more right now so I will try to add more later.
At this time, she is in transit and will be arriving in her new home next week, if she is blessed enough to be able to get into the home that her brother found for her. Please keep her and her children in your prayers. Please also pray for her husband to behave himself and to become a man, or at least just fake it very convincingly.

 

[ReallyOldLady]

Page 7

Jeni
Brief update. As ROL posted, I've left Ohio to get away from my husband, who decided to use some force to get his way. Nothing major.
Anyway, the girls and I are in Kentucky (yippee), staying at my grandma's (who is in the hospital). The Saturday after Thanksgiving we leave for Florida to start over. We were to leave this weekend, but I needed more time to raise the cash to move into my new home. From what I've been told, it is a very small trailer. But we'll be safe. My landlord sold some of the possessions I left behind for $400, so I'll have the $360 needed to move in by Wednesday.
We did leave everything behind, except some clothes, toys and pictures. I feel displaced, and a little frightened, but I feel safe. I can't be online much because my grandma only pays for limited service (who in their right mind???) and I don't want to use up her hours.
I'd like to say my daughters are doing okay, but they're a little (a lot) upset. The oldest misses her friends, and wants to be in school. We've been going over her workbooks and reading together, but I guess I don't cut it as a second grade teacher. *sigh* The 2 year old heathen just does not know how to handle herself in a GRANDMA house, with all the knickknacks and antiques.
Want to thank everyone again for everything. Keep us in your prayers.
Jeni

Brief Update
Hi everyone. Well tomorrow morning at 6 am, I finish the last leg of my journey, and leave for Florida. My dad is driving us to Georigia, where we'll meet my brother.
These past few weeks have been miserable, and yesterday was the first time I remember being hungry on Thanksgiving. My dad attempted to cook dinner, but, well, it royally sucked. Plus, it was the first one without my mom, so I was pretty bummed.
Looking forward to finally being settled somewhere, but overwhelmed at the same time. I don't know when I'll have a phone or internet access, but I'll be able to use my brothers computer from time to time.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts.
Jeni

The main summarizing of this is for individuals such as the following who are too chicken shit to come back and respond to the reactions from their postings.

I find this a hard story to swallow, it is too detailed. Funny how you know where the Lit is, and the jargon. I have this investigative nature, got it in the military from my hostage negotiator training. Why the detail? What do you want for a solution? The kind people on the Lit have offered the same advice you would get from any crisis organization if you would call them. Any phonebook on the planet has help lines just made for your predictament. So again, what is your objective?
Is this an writing exercise for school? You just want to manipulate the emotions of people on the Lit?
Whatever your motivation, best of luck.

There are several responses, Lost Cause. Please go and at least look at them.
http://www.literotica.com/forum/newreply.php?s=&action=newreply&postid=889638

 

[ReallyOldLady]

This just flat out impressed the hell out of me.

ok.. after a few phone calls.. I have a few more questions
Does Jeni or any of the girls have pierced ears? A jeweler friend is willing to donate up to $25 worth of jewelery.
WalMart is donating a gift certificate.. matching the value of the one I buy..
McDonalds is donating gift certificates so she can take the girls to "lunch" (ok, I know it's not a fabulous gourmet meal but it should be fun for the girls) and who can say no to free food? (this one is from my ex husband and his wife, they are also going thru and seeing about some of the left over Happy meal toys, and they are going thru the kid's toy boxes this weekend and getting rid of stuff they kids don't use but are still in good condition) They also have some of my daughters clothes that they bought at the beginning of the school year... that she has outgrown.
She has boys clothes also.. maybe the girls could use them for play clothes? no biggy if not.. they can go to Salvation Army.
The local video store offered me 3 free rentals.. but I don't think she would want to come to Washington to get them.. *L* (just doesn't seem worth it) I went out on a limb.. and asked for a movie or cash donation. Hey.. it's doesn't hurt to ask.. right?
I talked to another friend who works at a pharmacy.. he is going to see what he can get me.. like toiletries and such.
Ok.. i guess I only had one question.. but anyway.. no more phone calls tonight.. it's to late..I'll see what I can do tomorrow..

 

[Cheyenne]

Wow!

You did a lot of work to cut and paste all of that. I really meant just a one post thread with the basic info summarized in one place: Again,

Please tell us:
How to get an address to mail things to. Is there another care package being put together or do we mail direct?

Sex, ages and clothes/shoe sizes of children

Any special interests the children have- hobbies, etc.
Thanks!

All of the history is there in the original thread for anyone to read through. For now, the above items, summarized in one place and easy to find, will probably get Jeni more help.

Laurel is doing another care package? Is there a set mailing date?

 

[cymbidia]

I sent a big box of stuff to her old address just before everything fell apart so badly for her and she took the girls and left town. ROL, you assured me that her mail was being forwarded but i've been worrying about whether it got to her or not; the box was filled with things for the kids, mostly the little one. A bitter and vindictive husband might have kept the box from being forwarded on out of spite.

1. Do you know if that box reached Jeni in her new home?

2. Is there a new address to which we can send things?

 

[ReallyOldLady]

Laurel has the new address, send things to her there.

I do not know about her getting any of the packages except the ones that I sent to her. She no longer has access to e-mail.

Her husband did not live at the old place any longer. Her old mail was to be forwarded to her grandmother's house.

I will request that she call me in my next letter to her.

Thanks for each of your help in this.

(It has occurred to me that something Jeni might really appreciate having sent to her is maybe some of the stuff from here. This was a source of major support and refuge to her for a long time. I do not have a printer--but maybe some of y'all would like to print out the threads you find particularly interresting or enjoyable and include them.)

 

[ReallyOldLady]

An update from Jeni

I got this e-mail from her today:

Woohoo 5 minutes on a 'puter. We're doing okay. Money is pretty scarce.
Oldest loves her new school. Weather is beautiful. I'll know Monday if I'll recieve any assistance. Here the mail doesn't come directly to me, and any packages I pick up at the PO. I'll update more when I can.

Jeni

~AND~

I got this in snail mail today.

Hiya ----------~

Well, we made it to Florida in one piece. It was a VERY long trip. My brother has been helping out. I have full use of his extra car. He also found me some furniture. We're working on making this place a home.
Today we registered the oldest for school and applied for public assistance. I also...
got a job!! It's a convenience store right down the street. It's only 6$/hour, but its better than what I am making right now.
I have not even thought about hubby. I don't really care what happens with him. I know eventurally I'll have to face him, but right now, I'm working on my life.
If you cared, please update those that care. I won't have a phone or internet until I can pay the 100$ deposit on the phone. Take care of yourself.

Jeni.

 

[ReallyOldLady]

Cheyenne,
The information that I have of what you requested is in bold/big/red and marked for ease in location. The sizes and special interrests are below. I hope this satisfies.


Her 7 year old, Chelsea, is a super Barbie fan and wants one of those Diva dolls. She was attending Sunday School and church clothes might be nice. Children's clothes tend to equal their age--buy 8's and 9's. I am not aware of information concerning school uniforms but jeans are typically the standby. PJ's are always popular.

Her 2 year old loves books and typical toddler toys. The youngest is not potty trained yet and this is a major obstacle as far as child care is concerned. Pull-ups can be a major help. Many child care centers will take a kid who has learned control of bowel movements as long as Jr doesn't require lots of messy changing (Ie--has mostly gotten the hang of the potty). I am not sure if she has a potty chair. (The type that fits as a seat on the actual toilet seems to be the best--Jr can then be used to the climb for adventures out in the world/mall/daycare bathroom/park/zoo/etc.)

They are setting up house so anything you need when moving would probably be appreciated.

Jeni's mother died a few months ago and anything that might be helpful in for the first Christmas season without your bestfriend/mother might be really appreciated too. Perhaps a special ornament or something memorial to her.



If you have any more questions, please ask. I'll try not to screw up and waste time anymore.

 

[freakygirl]

I have a box of stuff here ready to go....

Can someone pm or email me an address.. so i can mail it on Tuesday when I send out the rest of my "christmas packages"

Please

 

[Cheyenne]

I think we are supposed to send stuff to Laurel and then she will rebox it and send it to Jeni? That's what I'm reading above, anyway.

 

[freakygirl]

*bump*

I picked up some really cute stockings and stocking stuffers today for the girls.. (2 really cute little angel dolls, coloring books, crayons and some candy). I'm looking for a Christmas ornament.. something special for them.. and I got a couple of cards..

I'm having alot of fun doing this.. and it sure makes me feel like I'm doing something worth while.

 

[ReallyOldLady]

Jeni Update

I got a letter from Jeni yesterday. She got a package of goodies yesterday and states how pleased she was. They have a tree, but now have lights on it and presents under it.

She plans to get her phone turned on next month and be back here to tell you about her adventures herself.

Thank you to everyone who has been helping her out. If anyone got some goodies for them but never got around to mailing them, please go ahead. The needs still exist--regardless of the date.

I am wondering if she would have had the emotional and financial strength to have been able to make this hasty exit from her shitty situation without our help. I really hope the participating Lit members were what made the difference.