Suicide Rabbits

[JoeyWalnuts]

I thought the day started out pretty normal: 5 cups of coffee, shower and shave, get dressed, wallet, keys , phone, out the door I go. Wait, forgot to feed the cat. I’m already in bad graces with her. Treating her for ear mites left her pissy, to say the least. Okay, back out the door, into the truck. Wait, got to check the dog. Yes, he needs water, but the feeder is full. Okay, back to the truck; time to head to the office.



This is where things get a little weird; as I am driving down the road, I note a great deal of bunnies casually eating along the side of the road. They seemed to be trying their best to look inconspicuous. I already knew I was in trouble. A glint in that black eye, a certain casual attitude, it was a herd of suicide bunnies! My mind began to envision little packs of C5 strapped to their underbellies, rodents waiting to dart in front of an unsuspecting vehicle.



Who could benefit from this dastardly use of small mammals, perhaps the Taliban? Dogs lack the ambition to herd rabbits and actually prefer to eat them. Cats are just too lazy.



Then I saw him. Poised in a tree limb was the animal that was behind it all. With chirps and barks he was directing this army of cottontails. It was Ali-Bin-etin-nuts, the squirrel terrorist, with his minions Chip and Dale. It takes 45 minutes for a squirrel to eat and do his daily business. The rest of the time he dedicates himself to overthrowing the human race. Don’t be fooled by cute little hands and the bouncy way they run across the yard. They are vermin from hell with but one thing in mind: total world domination!



With a walnut staff in his hand he directs the herd of suicide bunnies to cross my path. I have no control and I know my time is limited; I swerve to the left then to the right avoiding the rabbits bounding across my path. I see the opportunity to speed ahead and one bunny desperate to die rams into the sidewall of my tire spinning in the air. I see him in my rearview mirror as he explodes into a small furry fireball, and I smile. . .



Then the alarm went off, and well, I shouldn’t eat peanut butter jalapeño cheese nachos with mayo and sardines before bed. Uggggggggh now it’s time to go to work.

Joey Walnuts

 

[SweetWitch]

I thought the day started out pretty normal: 5 cups of coffee, shower and shave, get dressed, wallet, keys , phone, out the door I go. Wait, forgot to feed the cat. I’m already in bad graces with her. Treating her for ear mites left her pissy, to say the least. Okay, back out the door, into the truck. Wait, got to check the dog. Yes, he needs water, but the feeder is full. Okay, back to the truck; time to head to the office.



This is where things get a little weird; as I am driving down the road, I note a great deal of bunnies casually eating along the side of the road. They seemed to be trying their best to look inconspicuous. I already knew I was in trouble. A glint in that black eye, a certain casual attitude, it was a herd of suicide bunnies! My mind began to envision little packs of C5 strapped to their underbellies, rodents waiting to dart in front of an unsuspecting vehicle.



Who could benefit from this dastardly use of small mammals, perhaps the Taliban? Dogs lack the ambition to herd rabbits and actually prefer to eat them. Cats are just too lazy.



Then I saw him. Poised in a tree limb was the animal that was behind it all. With chirps and barks he was directing this army of cottontails. It was Ali-Bin-etin-nuts, the squirrel terrorist, with his minions Chip and Dale. It takes 45 minutes for a squirrel to eat and do his daily business. The rest of the time he dedicates himself to overthrowing the human race. Don’t be fooled by cute little hands and the bouncy way they run across the yard. They are vermin from hell with but one thing in mind: total world domination!



With a walnut staff in his hand he directs the herd of suicide bunnies to cross my path. I have no control and I know my time is limited; I swerve to the left then to the right avoiding the rabbits bounding across my path. I see the opportunity to speed ahead and one bunny desperate to die rams into the sidewall of my tire spinning in the air. I see him in my rearview mirror as he explodes into a small furry fireball, and I smile. . .



Then the alarm went off, and well, I shouldn’t eat peanut butter jalapeño cheese nachos with mayo and sardines before bed. Uggggggggh now it’s time to go to work.

Joey Walnuts

Joey, I love you but you scare me sometimes...

And you always make me laugh.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Squirrel, the terrorist you can eat. Some day I really want to do a burgoo . . .


Hey Molly, you got some nice fat fox squirrels around your area?

 

[R. Richard]

Rabbits are NOT rodents. Rabbits are Lagomorphs.

Lagomorphs differ from rodents in that:

They have four incisors in the upper jaw (not two, as in the Rodentia);
They are almost wholly herbivorous (unlike rodents, many of which will eat both meat and vegetation; the few recorded exceptions within the Lagomorpha occur among members of both Lepus and Ochotona, and involve the occasional foraging for carrion as a supplementary winter food source);
The male's scrotum is in front of the penis (unlike rodents', which is behind);
The penis contains no bone (baculum), unlike in rodents.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

That doesn't make them any less murderous, Richard, or suicidal. Look how they infiltrate retirement communities, lying in wait to torment our helpless elderly. First they wheedle their sordid way into granny's heart and then they decimate her roses. Evil lagomorphs, evil, evil, evil!

 

[SweetWitch]

Squirrel, the terrorist you can eat. Some day I really want to do a burgoo . . .


Hey Molly, you got some nice fat fox squirrels around your area?

Nope. Got red squirrels and a few gray. Occasionally, one finds a white-tail gray. Those are fun to watch.

The grays are smaller but better eating. The reds are far more abundant and very palatable.

Rabbits are NOT rodents. Rabbits are Lagomorphs.

Lagomorphs differ from rodents in that:

They have four incisors in the upper jaw (not two, as in the Rodentia);
They are almost wholly herbivorous (unlike rodents, many of which will eat both meat and vegetation; the few recorded exceptions within the Lagomorpha occur among members of both Lepus and Ochotona, and involve the occasional foraging for carrion as a supplementary winter food source);
The male's scrotum is in front of the penis (unlike rodents', which is behind);
The penis contains no bone (baculum), unlike in rodents.

Sweetheart, around here they're rodents. Rodents are pests--and suicidal on the roadsides. Nitpick all you want, but to us they'll always be rodents.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

When's the season?

 

[JoeyWalnuts]

In late fall if I remember correctly and squirrel makes the best pan gravy, great with homemade biscuits!

 

[SweetWitch]

When's the season?

I think it's the first of August, but I'm still looking.

 

[SweetWitch]

In late fall if I remember correctly and squirrel makes the best pan gravy, great with homemade biscuits!

Ooo! Now you're talkin'!

 

[R. Richard]

I feel that the general hostility I detect toward rabbits in this board is unfair.

Yes, rabbits do cause some trouble. However, I feel that the root cause of the problem is the mistreatment of Peter Rabbit by Mr. McGregor. With that sort of environmental hostility, it's no wonder that some rabbits have turned out badly.

Let me just point out that the pika, who were not involved in the mistreatment by Mr. McGregor, have a sterling record as regards mischevious snacking.

 

[SweetWitch]

I feel that the general hostility I detect toward rabbits in this board is unfair.

Yes, rabbits do cause some trouble. However, I feel that the root cause of the problem is the mistreatment of Peter Rabbit by Mr. McGregor. With that sort of environmental hostility, it's no wonder that some rabbits have turned out badly.

Let me just point out that the pika, who were not involved in the mistreatment by Mr. McGregor, have a sterling record as regards mischevious snacking.

Though I hate to cause an argument with my response to this, Mr. McGregor had it spot-on. Rabbits over-run the countryside, eating crops and pooping on the front steps. They are a true menace.

 

[SweetWitch]

When's the season?

Found it!

Squirrel Season: The Illinois squirrel hunting season opens Aug. 1 and continues through next Feb. 15 (except closed in counties open to firearm deer hunting Nov. 19-21 and Dec. 2-5). Squirrel hunting hours are one-half hour before sunrise to one-half hour after sunset. The daily limit is five squirrels with a possession limit of 10.

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/illinois-outdoors/2010/07/july-news-from-the-il-dnr.html

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Found it!

Squirrel Season: The Illinois squirrel hunting season opens Aug. 1 and continues through next Feb. 15 (except closed in counties open to firearm deer hunting Nov. 19-21 and Dec. 2-5). Squirrel hunting hours are one-half hour before sunrise to one-half hour after sunset. The daily limit is five squirrels with a possession limit of 10.

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/illinois-outdoors/2010/07/july-news-from-the-il-dnr.html

Noted! Probably not this year but next is a good possibility. Gotta get me a good .22 first.

 

[SweetWitch]

Noted! Probably not this year but next is a good possibility. Gotta get me a good .22 first.

Let me know. I can find you a good place.

 

[TE999]

I always thought wabbits were hoppy little creatures, now I learn they're really nuts.

 

[MagicaPractica]

LOL

Anyone who does not believe bunnies are suicidal has not seen them in the countryside in the morning. They sit facing the side of the road, seemingly minding their own business then, the minute you get close, they turn and dart across the road in front of your car! Horrifying!

 

[Xelebes]

Though I hate to cause an argument with my response to this, Mr. McGregor had it spot-on. Rabbits over-run the countryside, eating crops and pooping on the front steps. They are a true menace.

Dey derk er derbs!

 

[R. Richard]

Given the extreme hostility shown to rabbits, in this thread, I have decided to postpone, indefinitely, my next novel, Robert, A Rapid, Rabid, Raddled, Raffled, Ragged, Rammed, Razzed Rabbit.

 

[MagicaPractica]

Even worse than suicidal rabbits, are the Killer Bunnies!

Killer Bunnies

 

[R. Richard]

Even worse than suicidal rabbits, are the Killer Bunnies!

Yeah, well do a Google search on 'the dead rabbits".

 

[voluptuary_manque]

And then there's always the "mean Texas bunny"!

 

[mynameisben]

I thought suicide rabbits were the dark analog to plot bunnies.

 

[MagicaPractica]

Yeah, well do a Google search on 'the dead rabbits".

But.. but they're not even real rabbits?

And then there's always the "mean Texas bunny"!

Wow!

 

[R. Richard]

But.. but they're not even real rabbits?

Wow!

The 'dead rabbits' weren't dead and they weren't rabbits. However, they were all too real.