Suggestions needed

[staircase501]

In my youth I had dated a young lady for several months. I was interested in her but always knew that her drug usage and my career were on a collision course. She faded away and quit returning my calls. My career moved me on to other places. I have remembered her fondly over the years as she is the only other woman from my wife who I more than casually dated. I would occasionally do net searches for her but found nothing until last week. I found her obituary from two and half years ago. I felt like I had been hit in the gut and walked around like a duck struck on the head for several days. I am not sure why this news has affected me so much. My wife asks me if I am ok and all I can tell her is everything is fine. (This relationship was before I met my wife). I sent a condolence message to her sister, it did not require a reply nor did I get one. I would like to know how life turned out for this young lady as I apparently care for her more than I knew. Should I request anything from her mother or sister and do I really want to know if life did not go well for her. How would I go about this?

 

[GrrlFriday]

My personal thought is that it wouldn't be appropriate to contact her family further about the circumstances of her life. It could come off as macabre to them. Perhaps it might help you to grieve if you made a donation to a charity that works with people recovering from drug use, or did some volunteer work to support carers?

 

[COCK_STAR]

Move on dude.

 

[lovecraft68]

You sent your condolences now let it lie. Mom and sis have enough to deal with and don't need to give their departed's life story right now.

You said in your youth, but id not say how long ago that was. If she died fairly young then you can fill in the blanks as to whether or not she ever kicked her habit

 

[fire_breeze]

In my youth I had dated a young lady for several months. I was interested in her but always knew that her drug usage and my career were on a collision course. She faded away and quit returning my calls. My career moved me on to other places. I have remembered her fondly over the years as she is the only other woman from my wife who I more than casually dated. I would occasionally do net searches for her but found nothing until last week. I found her obituary from two and half years ago. I felt like I had been hit in the gut and walked around like a duck struck on the head for several days. I am not sure why this news has affected me so much. My wife asks me if I am ok and all I can tell her is everything is fine. (This relationship was before I met my wife). I sent a condolence message to her sister, it did not require a reply nor did I get one. I would like to know how life turned out for this young lady as I apparently care for her more than I knew. Should I request anything from her mother or sister and do I really want to know if life did not go well for her. How would I go about this?

Personally, I would let it go. You sent your condolences, and let it rest. If you really must know, try to contact a mutual friend, but not family. Or if you do contact family, give them a good several months, if not a year at least.

I do not know why you didn't tell your wife - there is nothing wrong with saying your high school or college sweetheart (or a woman you briefly dated) passed. She has a right to know that someone close to you has died. Imagine how she will feel if she found out?

 

[Kalamain]

I think you should talk to your wife about it.

Obviously you held some feelings for her, and that is fine, we all hold feelings for some of our ex's. But you are in a relationship with someone else...Someone that shares your life NOW.

If something is troubling you and you need some kind of help SHE should have ben the first person you should have gone to for help.

And I would agree with the others... Don't contact the family...A mutual friend is the best way. If you feel the need to, go visit her grave or whatever if she has one. This may be more important for your own closure than you may think.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You know your wife better than we do, but I agree with other commenters that most spouses would understand if you said something like "I found out that a lady I used to date died a couple of years ago". Even if she's uncomfortable with the idea that you still have feelings about somebody you dated before her - well, it beats having her suspect you of an affair.

As to finding out what happened, I wouldn't recommend doing anything that you're unwilling to discuss with your wife.

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm with the rest of the chorus: a) you've done all that's within the bounds of reason, and b) tell your wife, explaining you weren't sure how to explain it but you just learned someone you'd been involved with before her has passed away.

fire breeze pointed out how your wife might feel learning the truth afterwards. not revealing things like this voluntarily invariably winds up causing more problems than any it delays.

ed

 

[Sir Victor]

It seems to me that it is good advice not to ask more from the family or to tell your wife, however you have a right to know whatever is in the public domain for your own closure. You could do a background check to see if she was ever arrested if you think her drug use was serious. I believe that a copy of her death record should be available, not sure if it has cause of death or not.
Any caring person would like to know and rest better knowing that she overcame her drug use and had a decent life. Many times Facebook pages are left up for the deceased. Pipl is a good people search engine, did you try it?
https://pipl.com/

It is important to mourn the loss since it is clear that she was an important part of your life rather than just trying to forget about it.

 

[unregistered]