Sucky, sappy, but needs to be shared ---

[angela146]

Not Erotic...

My first "real" poem is below. It's amateurish, sentimental and sappy but I need to share it.

Background: When I was a teenager, I attended a funeral where the widow was distraught and barely able to walk.

My parents saw to her and my father asked me to accompany their little girl; hold her hand, help her through her father's funeral. I was glad to be asked to help, but the impact of that day has haunted me ever since.

She was five years old, wearing a black dress, silent, stoic and perfectly behaved. She knew what was happening but, like a "good little girl", she didn't cry.

I have nighmares every once in a while where I dream that I'm her.

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up in tears. It took me a moment to realize that my father is still alive. Hubby had his arms around me had had gently awakened me.

The last fleeting moments of the dream were of my (her) wedding day, walking alone down the aisle.

I wrote this in about an hour.

If you can see past the rough edges, I would really appreciate a comment or two on how to polish it.

Thanks for reading,

Angela

Three men and memories

Blue sky and jet trails
Sights and sounds that make me cringe
The rifles fired

It happens at the strangest times.

A cold day with bright sun, clear skies, I tense; His hand is there.

Doctor Seuss says, “Stars on Thars”; His hand is there.

Stars on shoulders, stars on ribbons, stars on folding cloth… Stars in the breeze, stars on the wings, stars on the ribbons; his arm supports me.

Spiders, black dresses, the black widow; his fingers caress.

White gloves. White stones. White dresses… or, dress whites. White toast and scrambled eggs; He kisses my hand.

I don’t wear black much; but I do for him.

He wasn’t there; He wasn’t tainted; He came much later; He won’t leave me; He rescues me from the memories.

A car backfires. I can’t drive; he takes the wheel.

In church, the words, the music, Eternal Father; …get me the Hell out of here! … strong to save; …make them stop! His arm calms my restless waves; … the doors open and close; …he bids my mighty oceans deep their own appointed limits keep; …we’re outside now, I’m safe; …he hears me when I cry, and see my father’s peril o’er the sea.

Green grass with white stone.
Memorial day, it sucks
My Father is here

That “other” day, those awful words; he wasn’t there; we hadn’t met.

That “other” guy, the one I hate… “Attention to orders…” More stars on thars… “The President of United States takes pleasure…” I don’t give a damn… He stole my father… To Hell with twenty-five February… Don’t take it, Mom… Don’t bear that cross… “…in keeping with the highest traditions of the United States Naval Service…” Keep your highest traditions, just give him back…

I was alone… and I faced him… I was silent… Remember Thumper…

The three…

My father, the hero, the deserter, the black horse –

“Him” – the pleasure taker – whose orders must be obeyed – the high horse;

My husband; my man; my lover; my white horse…
They never met…

And then one day… My wedding day… the one missing; the other there - the third - he sends a gift.

I’m not alone; he takes my arm; he steadies me; together now; a tear is shed; and ever since; at strangest times; he knows; his hand is there before I cry; his arms fold me.

My husband with me
His arms and shoulders steady
The rain falls on him

 

[HomerPindar]

First off, I skipped the explantion. Nothing personal, but if the poems going to be sappy, I certainly don't hold out that the explination is going to be all that dry either

Now, about the poem. I didn't find it sappy. I'd save sappy for rhyming couplets and simple word usage about unrequited love and teenage angst. I'm so glad the poem wasn't that

But please, do take care with the use of punctuation. Ellipses, those dot-dot-dot's, can get annoying and they do look very amateurish. For some reason they very popular with email and chat writers who don't edit much. Never have figured that one out.

Anyway, back to the poem. I like it (for what that's worth) but I certainly would like to see worked a little tighter. Doctor Seuss usage can almost be seen as threatening here, repitition (as in a sestina) in poetry can denote obsession, and certainly that can work.

The rifles fired

how about present tense action, past tense memories? Difficult, but possible. Making the rifles fire now as opposed to _then_ gives it more punch. I know, I often write in past tense to the chagrin of my friends and editors. Work like this can help tighten up the poem and really make it work.

Good luck, thanks for sharing, and welcome to the board (no go ask the moderators where you welcome basket of fruit is )

HomerPindar

 

[angela146]

...I didn't find it sappy.

Thank you...

But please, do take care with the use of punctuation. Ellipses, those dot-dot-dot's, can get annoying and they do look very amateurish. For some reason they very popular with email and chat writers who don't edit much. Never have figured that one out.

I was trying to create a sense of being in a dream and of incomplete thoughts. I'm not sure how one punctuates a sentence fragment.

Anyway, back to the poem. I like it (for what that's worth)

Quite a bit, actually. Since you were the only responder, that's a 100% positive response! But seriously, thank you.

but I certainly would like to see worked a little tighter. Doctor Seuss usage can almost be seen as threatening here, repetition (as in a sestina) in poetry can denote obsession, and certainly that can work.

"Threatening" is a good adjective for what I was trying to create. The little girl at the funeral is in a crowd of generals and admirals, who all have "stars on thars" (their shoulders, that is).

The story (The Sneetches) would have been age-appropriate for a five-year-old and all of the self-important men in uniforms with varying numbers of stars would have seemed imposing.

how about present tense action, past tense memories? Difficult, but possible. Making the rifles fire now as opposed to _then_ gives it more punch. I know, I often write in past tense to the chagrin of my friends and editors. Work like this can help tighten up the poem and really make it work.

In other words, making sure that the past and present tenses are all in the right place.

"The rifles fired" needs to be five syllables in order to complete the Haiku but then again, the word “fired” is only one syllable in some dialects so I could fudge it.

Good luck, thanks for sharing, and welcome to the board (no go ask the moderators where your welcome basket of fruit is ) HomerPindar

Oooo are there chocolates too? I love chocolates!

Lots of hugs and thank you, Homer

 

[Angeline]

I found you poem well written and compelling--with or without the explanation.

I think Homer's comments are right on though. I'm a pretty focused poetry reader, and I'll stick with poems that many people would give up on. I think I'm fairly unusual in that. Good as I think your poem is though, I find its structure, and especially the use of ellipses, distracting.

I admit I'm not overly fond of prose poems--which this sort of seems to be, but even then I think whatever quality you're trying to convey--dreamlike, whatever it is--needs to come mostly from the words you choose. Format *can* emphasize key parts of a poem, but imo is not enough to really communicate to a reader. For me that is the bottom line--one may be very sure of what he or she wants to say and feel the chosen construction conveys it, but if readers don't see that, then the poem isn't really working.

I'm not trying to be argumentative--I think you wrote a great poem. And what I'm saying is something I think every writer struggles with. It's a matter of opinion, but I'd try to pare it down some to make it tighter. I think it will yielld a better poem, but that's just my opinion.

Either way, stick around and post more. It's nice to meet you.

Angeline

 

[The Poets]

Welcome

to the poetry forum.

http://www.ciceros.com/images/special/mb2.gif

Homer Pindar is in charge of pizza.

 

[HomerPindar]

"The rifles fired" needs to be five syllables in order to complete the Haiku but then again, the word “fired” is only one syllable in some dialects so I could fudge it.

Oh, oh, need to get Jim in here He's done some wonderful research on Haiku's. One thing I do know, you do not need a syllable count. That started as a bad translation of the Japanese "sounds," hence the syllable count is not essential towards making a haiku in english.

In other words, making sure that the past and present tenses are all in the right place.

or, if they are in the "wrong place" make sure they serve a purpose being there...which I guess would make them in the right place in some way. Ok, decipher that explination and there you go

Homer Pindar is in charge of pizza.

Oh, oh, the parties at my place are not good enough with threesomes and ladies in the closet and men bathing in honey in my bathtub, no, no, now I'll supply pizza's too.

Ok, pizza party at my place!

HomerPindar

 

[angela146]

Thank you all for the critiques and the encouragement. Yes, I think I'll remove the punctuation parlor tricks and I'll certainly tighten it up.

If I post this into the collection, I'll probably skip the background but do you think I should include some notes about the obscure Navy metaphors?

I grew up with this stuff, having attended several funerals at Arlington, but for those who didn't:

"The black widow" is a nickname for the Navy Cross, based on its almost-black ribbon with the white stripe and the fact that it is often awarded posthumously.

That also ties into the reference to "bearing the cross".

"Scrambled eggs" is a nickname for the gold braid on a command officer's cover (hat).

I assume most people would get the references to stars, firing rifles, black horses and white stones (missing man fly-over, flag draped casket, rifle salute, riderless horse, the horses pulling the caisson and the gravestones at Arlington).

 

[angela146]

Re: Welcome

to the poetry forum. http://www.ciceros.com/images/special/mb2.gif

I'd like to thank the members of the forum; my husband for his support in the tough times; Laurel for creating the forum; the little girl who inspired me; the President of the United States; both houses of congress; the Chief Justice and the associate justices of the supreme court; the honor guard; the guys who make the little stars that go on the ribbons; the grounds keepers for making the grass so neat and tidy, the readers of Literotica, without whom none of this would be possible, and...

The brave men and women of our armed forces: all of the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines who have served this great land.

 

[HomerPindar]

Thank you all for the critiques and the encouragement. Yes, I think I'll remove the punctuation parlor tricks and I'll certainly tighten it up.

If I post this into the collection, I'll probably skip the background but do you think I should include some notes about the obscure Navy metaphors?

IMnsHO, No, knowing it adds meaning, not knowing doesn't detract from the poem. Besides, it might actually prompt someone to do some research themselves.

HomerPindar

 

[Angeline]

I want a reader to read my poem without interruption--stopping to read a footnote interrupts the flow of the read. I have struggled with this idea myself, but I think it's best to make meaning clear from the context--that keeps the focus on the poem.

 

[HomerPindar]

Actually, Ang's post made me think of research poems, which are really cool and fun to write, but I don't foot note those in the body of the poem. Instead I'd offer the notes at the end by line number and word reference. But I'd only consider that if I had to hand in another research poem for school

HomerPindar

 

[Angeline]

Actually, Ang's post made me think of research poems, which are really cool and fun to write, but I don't foot note those in the body of the poem. Instead I'd offer the notes at the end by line number and word reference. But I'd only consider that if I had to hand in another research poem for school

HomerPindar

Well now Homie I am willing to read a poem with a Norton Anthology or Merriam-Webster or some such at my elbow, but I am (as you know) a tad eccentric in liking that sort of thing. I figure most people do not want to stop and know that "blah blah" refers to "yakety yak," which was popularized by Hugeonot grandmas in the 15th centurey, if you receive my meaning.

 

[HomerPindar]

Well now Homie I am willing to read a poem with a Norton Anthology or Merriam-Webster or some such at my elbow, but I am (as you know) a tad eccentric in liking that sort of thing. I figure most people do not want to stop and know that "blah blah" refers to "yakety yak," which was popularized by Hugeonot grandmas in the 15th centurey, if you receive my meaning.

Chuckle, ya just have it out for the hugeonot's (thought I was gonna say grannies, didn't'cha? ) But yeah, hence why I thought of research poems afterwards...I have another monster of one that I started in Rome but hadn't finnished. Would like to get back to it (it's one of those nasty, over structured cross line poems that I did once before, if you recall, only this time it's five poems as one) but don't have the time thanks to school and poverty.

Sigh.

HomerPindar