submitted my first poem

[Annabell4you]

Please let me know what you think.

Thank you, Annabell

http://www.literotica.com/p/dream-lover-123

 

[estragon]

Check Out Your Poem

I commented.

 

[sr71plt]

Strange that you've asked this on the story feedback board rather than the poetry feedback board.

 

[Annabell4you]

Strange that you've asked this on the story feedback board rather than the poetry feedback board.

New to posting... I didn't see a poetry feedback board. This will be my only poetry to submit. The rest of my work are stories. Thanks everyone for veiwing and commenting. I wrote that at 19.

Annabell

 

[smallncute]

Voted, and I liked it, but I guess a couple of the comments are also relevant, about it being difficult to write erotic (or loving/romantic) poems with a new twist.

Miranda

 

[mynameisben]

Please let me know what you think.

Thank you, Annabell

http://www.literotica.com/p/dream-lover-123

With so short a poem, you have an extra obligation to get the grammar right. The worst place imaginable to make such an error is in the very first line. Please consider changing "laid" to "lay" if you want past tense, or to "lie" if you want present tense. Present tense makes more sense, as that would be consistent with the rest of the poem.

Otherwise, does "callused hands" really support the notion of "His touch soft and sweet?" Also, I thought it odd that "His identity unknown" and yet at the end of the poem "She whispers his name."

The imagery, emotion, and flow of your poem is very good overall, but it suffers from a lack of logical consistency. It's a very nice poem. I kinda wished it were longer.

 

[Annabell4you]

With so short a poem, you have an extra obligation to get the grammar right. The worst place imaginable to make such an error is in the very first line. Please consider changing "laid" to "lay" if you want past tense, or to "lie" if you want present tense. Present tense makes more sense, as that would be consistent with the rest of the poem.

Otherwise, does "callused hands" really support the notion of "His touch soft and sweet?" Also, I thought it odd that "His identity unknown" and yet at the end of the poem "She whispers his name."

The imagery, emotion, and flow of your poem is very good overall, but it suffers from a lack of logical consistency. It's a very nice poem. I kinda wished it were longer.

Thank you. Are you and editor? I'm a math science girl... I need a good editor.

 

[mynameisben]

Thank you. Are you and editor? I'm a math science girl... I need a good editor.

You are welcome. And yes, I edit. Just don't ask me to edit any differential equations. Whatcha got?

 

[Annabell4you]

You are welcome. And yes, I edit. Just don't ask me to edit any differential equations. Whatcha got?

I have 17 stories. That was my only poem. I will send an PM. I'd appriciate the help.