Stuck on a couple sentenses...need help :)

[Babbs]

Hi everybody. I'm working on my first story and its driving my nuts! I get confused a lot with "as" & "and". The commas throw me off too. I'm having fun though The only thing that bothers me is that everytime I think I'm done, I proofread it and start changing things around. Its like an obsession or something. Anyhow, listed below are some sentenses I'm stuck on. If you kind people could give me a hand with them, I'd appreciate it bunches.

First sentense:

1. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, my mind flooding with nasty thoughts.

2. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, flooding my mind with nasty thoughts.

Second sentense:

1. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock. It was 5am.

2. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

3. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain with a smile on my face and turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

Third sentense:

1. The warm water felt good against my skin and I leaned back, closing my eyes, dreaming of you again.

2. The warm water felt good against my skin as I leaned back closing my eyes, dreaming of your again.

Well, those are the sentenses that are driving me nuts. I have a few more but don't want to press my luck.

Thanks in advance.

 

[chatbug]

Originally posted by Babbs

You might have better luck with an answer to a question like this in the Editor's Forum or the Author's Hangout.

First sentence:

1. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, my mind flooding with nasty thoughts.

2. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, flooding my mind with nasty thoughts.

I prefer the second sentence.

Second sentence:

1. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock. It was 5am.

2. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

3. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain with a smile on my face and turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

I'd break this up into two sentences. The first would be "I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain with a smile on my face." I'm having trouble wording the second sentence. "I turned and saw it was 5am on the alarm clock."

Third sentence:

1. The warm water felt good against my skin and I leaned back, closing my eyes, dreaming of you again.

2. The warm water felt good against my skin as I leaned back closing my eyes, dreaming of your again.

I prefer the first sentence.

Thanks in advance.

Hope this helps.

 

[Weird Harold]

The only thing that bothers me is that everytime I think I'm done, I proofread it and start changing things around. Its like an obsession or something.

Don't think you are alone in this need to change something everytime you edit your story. There will eventually come a time when you just have to "stick a fork in it" and submit it.

The kind of questions you have about the wording of these sentences are what the volunteer editor program was established to answer.

It's difficult to say what the wording of these three sentences should be without seeing them in the context of the overall story. Are they the only three long and complex sentences? Would breaking them into shorter less complex sentences make them stand out against a background of the rest of the story.

 

[DarlingBri]

I agree with WH, you should split it.

"I woke early to the sound of pouring rain, a smile on my face. The clock showed it was 5 am."

Woke and awoke are confusing, but in this instance, I think you want "woke."

 

[Babbs]

Thanx

Thanx everybody for your help. I haven't really searched this site yet and wasn't aware of the editor's forum. I feel a little bad for posting it here now. Its hard being a newbie

 

[Whispersecret]

Here's my honest opinion

1. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, my mind flooding with nasty thoughts.

2. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, flooding my mind with nasty thoughts.

The second sentence is much better, because the first sentence sort of misuses the word flooding. A mind can't really flood. It can BE flooded, but it can't flood itself.

Sometimes, in an effort to be "poetic" and descriptive, we overstep the bounds of correct word usage. This type of error is something I see TONS in beginning writing. It's not a glaring error that makes the story laughable, yet, when I see this kind of thing, I automatically think that the writer needs to pay more attention to how words can and cannot be used. But, I'm a VERY discerning reader.

----

1. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock. It was 5am.

2. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

3. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain with a smile on my face and turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

Okay, sentence one is a little wordy. Sentence two is awkward, especially that last bit tacked on. In sentence three, the phrase "with a smile on my face" is placed in a weird spot, plus it's wordy.

I'd agree with everyone else. This needs to be broken up. There are four pieces of info you're trying to convey: you awoke early, it's raining, you're smiling, and it's 5 a.m.

If it's 5 a.m., you don't need the word early. Here's how I'd write it, and I'm sorry for completely reworking the whole thing. (Also, I added a bit, assuming this sentence came after example number one, above.)

The sound of pouring rain woke me. Because I've always loved listening to rain, I smiled as I glanced at the alarm clock. Five a.m.--pretty early for someone who spent the night tossing and turning with sexual frustration.

----

1. The warm water felt good against my skin and I leaned back, closing my eyes, dreaming of you again.

2. The warm water felt good against my skin as I leaned back closing my eyes, dreaming of your again.

You're using the "ing" verb phrases too much. (Forgive me because I don't know the grammatical term for it.) I read recently that amateur writers do this a lot, and so I'm hyper-sensitive to it now, in my own writing as well as in others'.

I'd try to simplify this into two sentences.

The warm water felt good against my skin. Leaning back, I closed my eyes and dreamt of you again. (Only one "ing" phrase there.)

OR

The warm water felt good against my skin. I leaned back and closed my eyes as I began dreaming of you again.

Don't be sorry about posting it here. Everybody makes mistakes.

This has been another presentation of Whispersecret's Blunt Writing Advice.

 

[Babbs]

Re: Here's my honest opinion

Thank you Whispersecret. You made some interesting points. You all have. I'm gonna go to my story right now and make some changes! My enthusiam has returned

Love Babbs

 

[Sonia_de_Beaumanoir]

ing words


Whispersecret:

You're using the "ing" verb phrases too much. (Forgive me because I don't know the grammatical term for it.) I read recently that amateur writers do this a lot, and so I'm hyper-sensitive to it now, in my own writing as well as in others'.


The grammatical term for these words is "gerund" (gerondif in French for words ending in the equivalent "ant"). I'm astonished to find something about writing Whisper doesn't know ;-) All those English classes have finally paid off.

Sonia

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: ing words

Whispersecret:

You're using the "ing" verb phrases too much. (Forgive me because I don't know the grammatical term for it.) I read recently that amateur writers do this a lot, and so I'm hyper-sensitive to it now, in my own writing as well as in others'.


The grammatical term for these words is "gerund" (gerondif in French for words ending in the equivalent "ant"). I'm astonished to find something about writing Whisper doesn't know ;-) All those English classes have finally paid off.

Sonia

Gerund: A verb used as a noun, usually one ending in "ing."

That's not quite the the way the "ing" verb form is used in this case, althoug gerund was my first thought as well.