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[Ann Vremont]

The House at the End of Nowhere Street (incest/taboo)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158144

Before I go on to the next part of this story, I'd like more reader feedback on where it's at so far. (I'd say more, but would sound like a spoiled brat...which is true, but it doesn't have to be obvious.)

 

[Varian P]

Feedback

Ann,

This story is working for me on several levels. The arousal of the characters feels real, and I like that you’ve built a touching and intimate history for them, and how you’ve revealed aspects of it to us. And, I must say, the sex is steaming nicely!

Maybe we learn more about Steve later, and maybe he takes a trunk full of sex toys everywhere he goes, but somehow I had a hard time buying the anal bead thing during a seemingly spontaneous encounter while camping.

Cassidy blinked away more tears and leaned back to look at Nicky. Her hand brushed his jaw line and he reached up, catching it as he closed his eyes.

Terrified, Cassidy watched as he took her index and middle finger into his mouth and sucked on them. When she realized which hand he was sucking on, she tried to jerk back but his other arm wound her more tightly to him.

I’m liking where this is going and how it’s going there. The sudden sucking of her fingers seems strangely abrupt, though. Does he know what she’s been doing? Does he smell her sex on her fingers? I feel I want him to kiss her hand first, seem to notice, then suck her fingers.

“Don’t use that,” she cried. “Nicky, it’s—”

“It’s what I need,” Nicky interrupted. “Even though I feel like I’m filled with poison, even though I never wanted to hurt you, it’s what I need.” He stopped, pulling his trump card from the air between them. “I’ve taken care of you for so long, Cash. Can’t you give me what I need now…what’s killing me to go without?”

Interesting. Obviously you’re making a deliberate choice here. Personally, I was more on board with the encounter when it seemed more mutual—I liked her fear of the taboo of it, and even her being intimidated by his size and strength, but he’s gone from vaguely threatening but desirable to manipulative and creepy at this point, for me.

Now that I’ve read on, he does seem a bit redeemed as he’s ready to leave, a few lines later.

the dark ruby of his lips blanching as he pressed them into a thin line.

This metaphor bothered me for two reasons—ruby for red seems a bit stale, and, I have trouble with the ruby metaphor applying to a mouth shape, especially when it’s pressed into a thin line, since I think of rubies as round in shape.

She jerked when he touched her foot and ran his hand slowly up her calf. Nicky paused while she adjusted to the new intimacy and then ran his hand up her other calf to gently unfold her legs from the rest of her body. He parted her legs, his body filling the valley between as he stood on his knees in front of her. Reaching out, he grabbed the bottom edges of the pink-flowered tee she was wearing and lifted it in a slow unveiling of her body.

I’m down with the eroticism of the way this scene is unfolding, but it seems inconsistent with their relationship. All this love between them—why doesn’t he kiss her? Does he just want a fuck with his sis with the tight bod? Couldn’t anyone fill that role? If it’s really her he wants, I feel the intimacy of a kiss is called for. The way it’s done now definitely emphasizes the predatory angle of what’s happening, IMO.

Cassidy felt herself growing damp and fear clutched at her chest. She tried to push his head away from his breasts, tell him to get on with it, that she didn’t need it soft and tender, that she didn’t want her body responding to his touch. But when he did move, he left a trail of fire down her stomach as he kissed his way to the unzippered crotch of her jeans.

I really like this—her desire to just get it over with fast and crude, but that he’s having a powerful impact on her body. Nice.

“Come on, Cash,” …“Close your eyes and relax, baby.”

Again, you’re probably doing this deliberately, but part of me wants to like Nicky, especially after the sweet childhood scenes of their relationship, and these lines make him sound like the typical self-centered high school guy trying to get some whether the girl wants to or not. Seems inconsistent with the bond you’ve established.

Her hands knotted in the bed’s fitted sheet as she tried to keep from moaning, the urge to wrap her legs around his head and ride his mouth at odds with her earlier terror.

And, presumably, her conflicted feelings about this being her brother?

The sex scene was highly arousing, with lots of fresh, apt descriptors. My only criticism there is that, at the very end, her orgasm seemed a bit sudden and rushed. Maybe I’m just greedy, but I wanted that drawn out a bit more.

As for where the story’s at so far, as it might lead into a next installment, I feel you’ve alluded to some back story—a flakey mom, the two siblings always looking out for each other and having deep bonds—which works for making me believe they want to leave town. Cassidy’s motivation would, I think, be even stronger with a little additional info, for example, if you suggest that there’s really nothing in the town for her. I don’t have any vision of her life outside of family and her tryst with Steve. And Steve is another small obstacle to my belief that she’s that ready to high-tail it out of town. And hour ago she was thinking about how they’d had this delicious encounter, and she’s been trying to find some way to see him again, but now, whammo, she doesn’t give him a thought as she decides to take off. Has she decided that she and Nicky really belong together? Has she decided that whatever she had with Steve was just sexual and easy to come by any old where?

The biggest obstacle for me, ultimately, is that Nicky seems so creepy at times, I don't know how Cassidy can trust him as they plan on leaving everything behind. For me, personally, I'd be much more persuaded of her choice if the tender aspect of their relationship were teased out a bit more during the sex--a deep tender kiss early in the encounter in which he seems really emotional to be taking their relationship this direction, rather than just seeing him as hot and horny. If she's a virgin, does he know it? Does he show some loving concern for how she feels about him possibly being her first (though I realize he's planning on anal sex).

I just want those little gaps filled in, is all, I don’t think there’s anything inherently inconsistent in her decision.

Well, I really rambled on and on there. Of course, all is just my little opinion. Hope parts are helpful.

-Varian

 

[Rainbow Skin]

I loved this. It is beautifully written, it is perfectly erotic, and yet with it is complicated and difficult like human relations. Throughout it, and at the end of it, we don't know what'll happen between them or where it'll go; and nor do they. It's awkward and doesn't require resolution.

As to continuations, you have two paths. Where they are now, they haven't done everything. You could continue the night, with more discovery and exploration.

But what you've set out is a moving out. Now with incest much or most of the impact is in the first approach. After they've done it the energy is discharged somewhat, and subsequent adventures aren't the same. You've laid open a big change of circumstance, but I can't from what you've written see quite what it would be. If they go on the road, what is there for them to do? I'm sure it can be done, and it's the sort of thing I would like to do myself.

 

[Ann Vremont]

Thank you both!

Thank you both for being generous with your time, constructive comments and compliments! I'm in a bit of a knot re: development because the preceding chapter (Backshore) is now part of a collection I have with my publisher. So I have to figure out how to tell the story without violating my publishing agreement.

But, again, thank you!

Ann

 

[cheesy80s]

Very enjoyable; you're a mature writer.

You also have a knack with dialogue. Your characters spoke realistically, without the canned lines we often see on here.

 

[lyricalcandy]

Incest isn't my cup of tea, but I enjoyed the story, and it flowed smoothly. There was one thing I found awkward. When he leaves the room for the condoms and lube in his mother's drawer. I understand what you were going for ... to have her still there, wanton and waiting. Still, it seemed like an abrupt interruption to me. Perhaps if he had condoms and things in his duffel bag? I don't know, perhaps its just me.

You have a good basis for a story with a lot of room for continuation. Do they leave town together? Fool around on the Greyhound? What about Steve? I'm sure you'll have fun with the continuation.

 

[Ann Vremont]

thanks again to all

cheesy80s -- I've often thought I suck at dialogue! Thanks

lyricalcandy -- it isn't my cup of tea, either, oddly enough. (Although I have done a modern version on Christina Rossetti's "The Goblin Market.") I wanted to see if I could still write something arousing and interesting...and I had made Nicky a bit of a jerk in the earlier short story (no longer on Lit because it's part of a collection with my publisher), but I had an immediate sense when I was writing the earlier story why Nicky had done a 180.

Ann