Struggling with who I am

[BustyTheClown]

This is along the same vein as my other adoption thread, but now it's less about "life stories" and more about psychology. I've recently been through a LOT of shit that has made me more aware than ever that I am adopted. It never really bothered me as a kid, but now that I've been in a strange position with my adoptive parents for a couple of years now, I've been increasingly aware of my adoptee status, the fact that I don't really know who I am or where I came from.

I found an article that pretty much sums up how being adopted makes (and has made) me feel. Granted, I don't usually feel this way if I'm in a good mood, but being depressed for two years will make you think some pretty negative things about yourself, about your life, about everything. The article is too long for me to put in here without feeling guilty, so...

Here's the article

Part of the article discusses how adoptees choose to react to being adopted, how to deal with having adoptive parents who have expectations -- I was not the rebel-child. I was the obedient daughter, the "perfect" daughter. Well, I tried to be -- I don't feel like I ever lived up to the expectations my adoptive parents obviously had of me when they adopted me. They might tell a different story, but I think the fact that I feel this way says a lot.

I guess I want to know how other adoptees felt? Did you feel like the girl in the article? Did you feel completely different? If you've been reunited, did that change your outlook on yourself, your life, and your history?

I'm sorry... This is an awful lot to ask. But I have a lot of questions. Too many to ask. Just tell me what you want, respond to the article, and I'll be happy. I just am in a weird place right now, tonight, and need to identify with someone, somewhere.

 

[WhiteRose]

Aw, here we go again

I've known quite a few adoptees personally, and we all do have different reactions to being adopted. I HAD to know where I came from. It's something that has haunted my life since I was very young. There was a huge hole in my heart that could not be filled until I found them. My grandmother remembers me being overly curious about it when I was just a child, while my adopted brother on the other hand was interested in the basics, but really has no interest in finding his birthparents. An adoptee penpal of mine during high school told me he absolutely hated his birthmother for giving him up. He didn't care about her reasons and didn't have any interest in finding her, he just had this incredible hatred that she had abandoned him. Other adoptees I've known let it simply roll off their backs and never really think about it.

I think a lot has to do with what happens to you after you are adopted...or just after your birth, I guess, since a lot of kids aren't adopted right away. Just like in any other situation, kids react to what happens around them, and what doesn't happen.

My brother and I were raised very differently. I was older by six years, and was hit daily by my adopted mother (she had issues). My a-father was gone most of the time I was very young overseas. By the time we adopted my brother, my a-father was pretty much always home with us, but my a-mother already had it in her mind that I was the "bad child", which by default made my brother the "good child", so she never once hit him or emotionally abused him. My a-father never knew what she did, and I have no intention of ever letting him know. It wouldn't solve anything, and would absolutely devastate him. He feels guilty enough about being gone so much during that time and missing out on that time with us, even though we've reassured him we understood and supported what he chose to do as an occupation (USMC).

No, I wasn't a bad child. I got straight A's in school up until 8th grade when I received a B+ on a quarter grade in math...and got grounded for two weeks. I missed two days of school between the first day of kindergarten through the end of 8th grade for being sick, because being at home was worse than going to school. I practiced piano two hours a day, did my homework before I was allowed to go out and play, performed on cue when my parents had their friends over, and sat demurely with my hands folded (yes, she made me practice that) until I was spoken to.

No, this is NOT a cry for pity, because I don't feel I need any. If not for all of the experiences I've lived through, I wouldn't be the person I am today, which though I sometimes think is kind of messed up, I'm pretty okay Like everyone else, I have good days and bad days.

But those early experiences I did have with my a-mother definitely had an influence on my need to find my birthparents. The worst nightmares I had as a child were dreaming that my adopted mother really WAS my birthmother. As long as I had a hope that my birthmother was out there and I had someone I could eventually find, I wouldn't end up like my a-mother. My brother, not having had these abusive experiences at all, though he occasionally saw things happening to me, hasn't really felt a need to find his birthparents.

So I'm not sure what effect being adopted alone would have had on me if it hadn't been followed up by the kind of childhood I had. Perhaps I would have been better adjusted and wouldn't have the abandonment issues that I do have (and am trying to put into perspective and get over.) Not so much because my birthmother put me up for adoption (because I never once thought badly of her for that), but because it seemed in my life that everyone who was supposed to be there for me...just wasn't.

Addressing the article?

“No, I am not depressed, miserable, angry, or negative...but I have always felt second best." Me too, but I honestly think that didn't have anything to do with me being adopted.

"[Needing to live up to the "chosen" child image] is a hard image for the average child to live up to. She may either become the compliant “perfect” child or she may act out and misbehave to test the commitment of the adoptive parents. Either way, often times she is not being herself, but rather acting a part. This acting can be very emotionally draining and confusing, and may last until the early adult years and beyond. When the adoptee can not live up to her perfect “chosen” status, it will contribute to the feeling of low self-esteem." Sure, but again, I can't state definitively that this was due to being adopted.

"Adoptees are faced with a feeling of loss and grief that they are not allowed, by society, to actively mourn. “With adoption, the child experiences a loss (like divorce or death) of an unknown person, and doesn’t know why.” (Adopting Resources, 1995) She is aware that family members are lost to her, but is expected to not mourn the loss of this family member she has never known. She will often be chastised when asking questions of her birth family from her adoptive family." My a-father was always open to questions about my birthparents and the adoption, but my a-mother has always felt threatened by them.

"Feeling like I'm on the outside looking in." <-- That's been the one constant in my life. I've learned to live with it.

Yes, I conducted a birthsearch and found my birthparents. It took a very long time, but was so worth it. Not everyone has a successful reunion, and very few reunions turn out as well as mine did. Finding them and being embraced by them has done a lot in helping me feel hopeful about myself and my prospects in life (and incredibly relieved that my early nightmares weren't true!).

Now that I'm on the other side of finding out where/who I come from, if you ask whether I felt all these things BECAUSE I was adopted, I'd have to answer "no". It was more the way I was raised after I was adopted. Reactions to being adopted vary so much and for so many reasons, I really don't think there's one single way to categorize them. We're all different, we can all have different reactions to the very same situations, and we all have different foundations for handling them. Maybe some characteristics are genetic, but I don't think our capacity for dealing with things begins and ends in the womb. I think most of it is learned.

To my adopted father: You always were and always will be my hero.
To my adopted mother: I understand you and I forgive you. I cannot love you (edited to add: the way you want me to, but I do care and will always be here for you).
To my birthparents: I love you both for being the people you were back then and for being the people you are today.
To my seven sisters and six brothers (assorted half's and adopted's): I love you guys, as crazy as you are!

 

[BustyTheClown]

Wow Rose, thank you so much for replying so eloquently. Your story really does inspire me -- if not to find my birthparents, at least to know that other adoptees go through similar struggles in their lifetime.

Just recently I've really been wondering about meeting (or at least seeing pictures of) my birthfamily. I started to cry last night wondering what it would be like to see my birthmother's face and notice all the similarities -- to finally truly look like somebody else. I remembered when I met one of my friends' moms (who had met my mother before she met me); she saw me and said, "Wow, where'd you get those boobs?! Certainly not from your mother!" And I told her I was adopted. That won't ever leave my mind, I don't think -- it was sort of flattering but also very awkward for me. I think I was only 13 at the time! Anyway... I wonder how my brothers look. Like it said in the article, I now wonder how my birthparents met, what their life was like before they started having kids and got themselves in a big mess... Where they grew up, what their own parents were like, how they came to be who they were/are.

I wonder so many things, but I just can't start searching at this point in my life. My (a-)parents would be devastated -- we're having some tensions right now that will need to be resolved before I do any pursuing of my birth family, to avoid my parents thinking I'm trying to replace them. Also, I myself am in a lot of turmoil personally right now, and I need to get myself put back together before I can even begin to think of bringing more possible conflict, pain, anger, etc., into my life.

Someday.

 

[kotori]

I alway knew that I was adopted, from the earliest memory. I wouldn't say that I was "haunted" but it definitely was a presence, no doubt.

I too was of the "good child" mode: went to Catholic Schools (for 16 years--the last 4 with Jesuits).

I always asked questions about my background, but very subtle ones, and always felt guilty for it.

My a-dad died when I was almost 37 years old. I didn't get up the nerve to ask my a-mom for my birth name until I was 42.

I knew she knew, because I was adopted from overseas. I came with an Irish passport, with the picture, with my real name. Back in the old days, my dad had to fill out the annual "alien registration card" (does anyone remember those?)

I took the name, sent away for my original birth certificate--I knew it wouldn't have been modified, because the adoption was done in the States, and well, the Irish aren't known for the efficiency of their government. The I discovered the Internet, and read The Irish Times every day. One day, there was a letter to the editor from a birth mother, president of the Natural Parents Association of Ireland, telling something of her story about giving up a child. Believe it or not, I had never thought about how hard it was on the mothers.

Anyway, I wrote her, and she e-mailed me back with all sorts of info, and long story short, two years later my natural mom and I met for a weekend, Thanksgiving '00. We write occasionally, she phones me every other week, we visited again last November (in spite of the terror in the world). I talked to her yesterday, in fact, until her phone card went off.

Is that the end of the story? I don't think so. My wife thinks that I've changed dramatically in the last four years while going through this. She says I'm a different person. She may be right. We're having a little "trial separation" now. I think she's changed too. Maybe it's just a case of "who wants two mothers-in-law."

BTW, Busty, there's been a share of salt water spilled this end as well. But I'm also not looking for any pity--this was something I decided to do. After a whole life of "being placed" I was in control of my destiny here.

 

[BustyTheClown]

Is that the end of the story? I don't think so. My wife thinks that I've changed dramatically in the last four years while going through this. She says I'm a different person. She may be right. We're having a little "trial separation" now. I think she's changed too. Maybe it's just a case of "who wants two mothers-in-law."

BTW, Busty, there's been a share of salt water spilled this end as well. But I'm also not looking for any pity--this was something I decided to do. After a whole life of "being placed" I was in control of my destiny here.

I can imagine that you were greatly changed by finally having some sense of control over your own destiny, like you said -- I'm just sorry your wife seems to be having problems with the changes you've gone through. Best of luck to you with that.

I wouldn't be looking for pity, either. I totally understand where you're coming from, and I look forward to the day when I finally feel like I am in total control of my own life, as well. It's frustrating, and I'm sure I have much more "salt water" to spill (lol great way of saying it), but that day will come. It's all about waiting, but that's ok.

 

[WhiteRose]

It's so odd, but so many people in my life have told me that "you look just like my cousin" or "you look just like this girl I know", and every single time I'd wonder if I was related to that person and would try to ask a little about them. Stranger yet, I look more like my birthmother than any of my older sisters do (I was the youngest girl on her side, and have one younger sister on my birthfather's side). We have exactly the same smile and from the eyes down I'm like a carbon copy. My head's shaped exactly like my birthfather's, and the upper part of my face is just like my younger sister's (sounds weird disecting my head, but at least I finally can.)

I've got huge breasts...don't know where they came from yet Definitely not my mother (or my father ) That'd be scary.

I wonder so many things, but I just can't start searching at this point in my life. My (a-)parents would be devastated -- we're having some tensions right now that will need to be resolved before I do any pursuing of my birth family, to avoid my parents thinking I'm trying to replace them. Also, I myself am in a lot of turmoil personally right now, and I need to get myself put back together before I can even begin to think of bringing more possible conflict, pain, anger, etc., into my life.

*hugs* Just don't wait until it's too late. Talk to your a-parents if you feel you need to. Explain how you feel and that it's not a reflection on your relationship with them. Remember that you are not responsible for their feelings, only your own. Do as much reassuring as you need to, but don't put it off too long. Time doesn't stand still, and this is your legacy and that of your future kids you're talking about, and I'd hate to see your search end with you facing a headstone. Morbid, but very true possibility the longer you wait.

Your a-parents were aware when they adopted you that questions and a search might come up. They accepted that when they signed the papers, and they're grown up and can deal with it. Remind them that they'll always BE your parents. As I explained it to mine, "Don't worry, you'll always be stuck with me."

I chose to do my search without involving my a-parents, although they were aware of it and would occasionally ask about it. My mom was nervous, my dad always supported my search and told me even as a child that if I ever wanted to find out, he'd do whatever he could to help me. But it was something I felt I had to do on my own, and did. They've both seen pics of my birthfamilies and ask about them now and, but it has NOT changed our relationship at all. They're still my parents, as bizarre of a family as we are, and that won't change.

After a whole life of "being placed" I was in control of my destiny here.

Kudos to you, Kotori, for following through with your dream. I'm glad it worked out with your birthmother

 

[WhiteRose]

I messed up

Just ignore this post. Or not. *GRINS*

 

[Guest]

I hope to adopt, someday. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and the article. Be well!

 

[MissTaken]

Busty,

I am a bit tired and am not sure if my thoughts will be cohesive and coherent. I will try though. I read your post this morning and was rushing to get out the door, so didn't reply.

Adoption, as with every other facet of our lives, is an issue we each will deal with in our own unique fashion. I was an adoption worker for several years and also shared the "search" of one of my former employees, as she searched and found her birth mother.

Some observations:

1) Information. We all need and want information about our birth families. Adopted or not, how many enjoy listening to and sharing stories of our ancestors? It is normal, natural....we need information. Who do we look like? Who do we take after? How many siblings, aunts, uncles or cousins are out there?

2) Connection: Many adoptees feel rather disconnected from their families. All of the love and commitment in the world, provided by the parents, can't take away the yearning for connection and the feeling of displacement.

3) Acceptance: Your parents would benefit from talking with someone who explains to them that they can best support you by supporting you. Allowing you room to feel the things you do, and when/if you are ready, assisting with the search.

4) Answers: Why was I placed for adoption? No anser is too difficult ....the need to know far outweighs any circumstances that could come along.

I know that I am babbling in a rather clinical fashion, but these are random thoughts brought on by your post. I have been and always will be a proponent for open adoptions whenever possible. Not for the sake of the birth parents, rather for the sake of the children. Legislation and social conciousness are moving in this direction as well.

I am not sure if I am helping, but I did want to share.

Now, as for the article....my employee was 24 yrs old. I often heard her on the phone shouting and crying as a spoiled child. It made more sense to me when she told me she was adopted. Then, while working for me, we found her birth mother, they reunited. My employee was angry that her parents and birth parent wouldn't celebrate her birthday together. Soon, she built a chasm between her and all three parents. Why? Expectations. Have none....if you have no expectations, you can't be disappointed.

Take care and be well. Whatever you are feeling is okay....no matter whether other people feel the same way, behave the same way or want the same things.

 

[WhiteRose]

Expectations. Have none....if you have no expectations, you can't be disappointed.

Yes, the very best piece of advice.

 

[dreamer]

I'm not adopted, so I won't pretend to know what you feel. However, I can STRONGLY relate to something you said in your initial post.

You commented on how this doesn't seem to be a problem when you're feeling good, but it seems to bother you when you're down.

I think we all have our (and forgive my use of this term here) demons we face when we're down. I ache over lost loves. I agonize over the 'should've been more productive' years I've thrown away since my college graduation. My mind stews on all my failures and weaknesses.

Hang in there hon. I for one have always felt our family is more than those we don't choose to be related to, it's all those we CHOOSE to include in our lives. Regardless what you do with your parents, birth and otherwise, remember that.

<hugs>

 

[Ishmael]

Busty..................

I have two dear friends that were adopted. They both went through the process of finding their birth parents. It was a long process for one of them. 7 years. The other was luckier, 3 years.

They both went through groups established just for that purpose.

After they had the information, one of the other group members contacted the birth parents. The issue of using a third party was that in some cases the birth parents are not interested in any contact whatsoever. I can't understand that, but it's the truth.

One of the over riding reasons for doing this is to find out the health history. Many diseases are genetic in nature, and the need to know before hand can help you be on the look out, or allow you to take preventative measures.

The interesting thing that both had to say was how there were 'quirks' that they had in common with their birth parents that were not visible in their adoptive parents. I found that to be extremely interesting what with a background in behavioral psych.

I hope that if you should embark on this, that you have the support of your adoptive parents. It makes your life so much easier if you do.

Ishmael

 

[BustyTheClown]

Rose, your advice is lengthy but great appreciated, as always. Thank you very much.

raindancer, don't let articles like the one I posted scare you. I hope you have the chance to adopt -- it's a huge deal, but I think most people find it to be very much worth any rocky periods they have. Hey, maybe it's good for you to read about how adopted kids might react psychologically -- you can keep an eye out on your adopted children and make sure they don't feel the way some can. Best of luck to you.

MissTaken, your post made perfect sense, thank you for your contribution. It made a lot of sense to me, and it's nice to have my thoughts and feelings validated.

dreamer, you are absolutely right. We do have to live with our own demons at one point or another. All we can do is sit back, not let them get to us too much, and wait until they stop nagging at us. <hug>

Ishmael, thanks for sharing. Finding out my health history is something I've definitely expressed a strong interest in to my adoptive mother (she's a social worker who knows her way around adoption), asking for her help, but she hasn't followed through. I'm not looking forward to the struggle to obtain it, either -- I've been trying to get a copy of my original birth certificate so I can get a passport and it's taken nearly 2 1/2 months! (The problem isn't necessarily because I'm adopted, I'm just pissed that I even have to send away for my own birth certificate.)

I'm not sure whether or not I'll have the complete support of my adoptive parents, but I don't think they'll be a hinderance at all. I don't think they're fond of my birth mother, but that may just be how I interpreted what they told me about her and why I was "given up" for adoption. <shrugs> I'm not even sure I'll look, but we'll see. I hope they are a support, as well.