Struggling w/ kinks that my partner isn't in to. Anyone else had similar experiences?

[JMR85]

I'm a 33 year old straight male. I've been with my SO (F/27) for 4 years. I adore her.

I'm kinky - I like to cross-dress, want to be pegged and dominated and a bit of an exhibitionist. I used to post a lot here on the Amateur Pic Feedback - And I really miss it. I might not be quite as toned as I once was, but I would love to come back.

But I can't. She just isn't in to it at all.

For the last four years, I've lived without kink. Honestly, it's tough. Still, if it was her or the kinks...she'd win every time.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to make managing easier?

Also, what are people's opinions on online relationships? Are they cheating? I think they are. I'm just curious.

Any ideas, PMs..whatever...would be appreciated. I just need a vent who gets it.

Thanks

 

[Jada59]

I'm a 33 year old straight male. I've been with my SO (F/27) for 4 years. I adore her.

I'm kinky - I like to cross-dress, want to be pegged and dominated and a bit of an exhibitionist. I used to post a lot here on the Amateur Pic Feedback - And I really miss it. I might not be quite as toned as I once was, but I would love to come back.

But I can't. She just isn't in to it at all.

For the last four years, I've lived without kink. Honestly, it's tough. Still, if it was her or the kinks...she'd win every time.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to make managing easier?

Also, what are people's opinions on online relationships? Are they cheating? I think they are. I'm just curious.

Any ideas, PMs..whatever...would be appreciated. I just need a vent who gets it.

Thanks

Let me start with the online relationships. And keep in mind that those can vary in scope, drastically. I have many online relationships for a variety of reasons and the vast majority have nothing to do with sex. Er...uh...I mean...l I love sex and it's a favorite topic of conversation so that subject is likely to come up but it doesn't mean that we are having cyber sex or anything of that sort.

If you are having cyber or sexting or phone sex with another person, some people will consider it cheating, some will not. Basically it depend on how the two of you feel about it. If you think it is, then it is. If she doesn't want you to do it, then it is. However, bringing that subject up with her could be tricky. You may have to find some sort of article about it online or in a magazine or something. Show it to her and ask her what her feelings are. Or make up a story about a friend or coworker who was having a dilemma and came to you for advice. What you don't want to do is say something like, "Hey honey! Can I have cyber sex with this woman?" Unless you truly have an open relationship and it doesn't seem that you do.

Example from my past life. I was in a bad marriage. My ex wanted nothing more from me than to bear him a child, cook and clean or on rare occasions, dress up and play wife in public for him.

He used to call me from a bar, sometimes overseas and say to me (I kid you not), "Hey! I'm in this bar and this prostitute wants to have sex with me. Is that okay?" I have no clue if there was an actual prostitute or not or if he had sex with one if there was one. He would sometimes put a woman on the phone to talk to me about having sex with him. And my response? "Whatever". *Click.

Now by this point, our sex life was non-existent. You may question why I stayed in the marriage. I could write a bad novel on that. I won't. I'll just say that for assorted reasons, I was unable to leave but I sorely wanted to. So...

By then, I pretty much didn't care what I did. I was living on a military base and I know that most of the other wives were full on cheating with in the flesh guys, pretty much as soon as the ship sailed. They would brag and laugh about it. This saddened me no end because while those women were not my friends, some of their husbands were! As in just friends. They would come over to my house for coffee or a beer and hang out and I had to just sit there knowing full well that they were being cheated on.

I did try to tell one guy after he began noticing odd things. But I also know full well that most people will go into denial and not believe you if you tell them that their spouse or S/O is cheating. He was no different. But it was my shoulder that he cried on a couple of days later after she left the state with their kids, all of their money and some other guy. But I digress.

At the same time, I know that my husband was full on cheating on me. Maybe not with prostitutes but I had enough proof and he has since confirmed it. This is just something I would not do to a person. For me it's just wrong.

Now... Online stuff? I don't want to give specifics for various reasons. But I did have a lot of male friends online. Sometimes there was no racy talk whatever. Sometimes there some or a lot. Some I even wrote erotic stories for at their request.

I can't say that I ever had a committed online relationship with any of them, but it was presumed with one guy. I guess we PMed and phoned each other enough that the others in my chat room (I used to run one), just assumed that we were a couple. We would kind of snicker about this in private but we also didn't tell them otherwise.

I will say that we did do some sexting and phone sex and we even had arranged times to chat with each other. I also met him in person at the airport when I deliberately arranged to have my plane land in his city. He worked next to the airport. Alas, that was a very brief meeting as we had to run from one plane to another. I do think that meeting was the demise of our relationship because I was pregnant at the time. The only thing he and his wife had in common was that they did not want children. He did stick with me throughout the rest of the pregnancy but then I had to move to another state and the place that housed my chat room was no longer. I could have contacted him, but I didn't. Mostly I was just too busy with a new baby.

I am also pretty sure that my then husband knew about these guys. They'd call me when he was home, and he once found an email where we had been discussing some porno movies. Hehe. And I know that two wrongs don't make a right but I also figured that he didn't have a leg to stand on and was making it impossible for me to get out of the marriage.

I feel like I just droned on with a convoluted mess. Hopefully some of it made sense.

Now for the kink. Here's one thing that I just flat out do not get. Why do people freak over cross dressing? Every day, women go out in public wearing men's clothes and people don't usually freak about that. Heck, I've been known to wear men's clothing. Sometimes it just fits better.

But... I also think overall when I think of men's clothing, it's either sturdy or rough to the touch or simple or just plain boring looking. I know this isn't always the case. I have seen/felt some nice silk bathrobes and such.

And look at people like Mick Jagger or Steven Tyler! They wear women's clothing and women swoon. But let some guy on the street do it and they'll snicker or stare.

Maybe I'm just used to cross dressers. My first roommate's brother was a well known drag queen in the Seattle area. He eventually opened his own club but he has since sold it. I wasn't around these people all the time but when my roommate moved out and got big house in Seattle, he frequently had parties and these guys would just sort of make an appearance, then leave. I also worked at a store where a lot of cross dressers shopped. So I was used to this sort of thing.

And while I no longer wear makeup, I used to. I had a party at my apartment, and a guy that I worked with, commented on my makeup. I had navy blue mascara on. He asked if I would do his makeup. So I took him into my bedroom where my makeup was, and pretty soon, all but two of the guys came in to have me do their makeup too! Not exactly cross dressing I know but I guess my point is...

Women get to look beautiful and feel beautiful. They can enhance their looks with makeup if that's what they want to do. They can wear form fitting or silky clothing and shoes in all sorts of colors and styles. One of my male friends who teaches swing and tap dancing was complaining about this. He's a very snappy dresser but was complaining that men's shoes are mostly black or brown. Sometimes white or tan but it's rare to get really snazzy looking dress shoes. Yeah, athletic shoes come in various colors but this guy wouldn't be caught dead in those. He had us take a vote when he needed a DJ name and we all said, "The Suit". Because he always dresses formally.

I just don't understand the double standard here. I think we should all be able to wear what we are comfortable with and what makes us feel good. I know when I put on a silky chemise, it makes me feel really sexy. Shouldn't it be the same for a man? And if you go back in history, men didn't always wear pants!

I know plenty of men who have to hide their cross dressing and I find that sad. I've never had a lover who was a cross dresser but if I did, it wouldn't bother me at all. One thing I know many of them will do is to wear an article or two of women's clothing under their clothes. Yes, you would be keeping it hidden but if your girlfriend won't accept it then there's not much you can do.

Now on to the pegged. There again, I don't see the problem. It feels good! And sex is supposed to feel good. Right? I don't personally think that I would like to use a strap on, on a guy only from the standpoint that since I wasn't born with a cock, it would feel awkward to me to try to do that. I would much rather use something that I could hold in my hand because I feel that I would have much better control of it but... If he really wanted me to use the strap on, I would at least try it.

Now to the dominating. I have never been into BDSM as a lifestyle but I have played at it. I know how exciting it can feel to let someone take control of you like that. But would I want that all the time? No.

I have also played at dominating the other person. Sometimes we would switch back and forth. But... Any attempts I've had at being a total dom have failed. Mind you, I never tried this in person. Just online. I can do it briefly but beyond that it almost becomes comical to me. No offense intended to anyone who is really into that stuff. Apparently it just isn't inside of me to be able to do this.

So... You do have a dilemma. Do you think you can live without these things?

When I was married, my husband flat out refused any sort of anal for him or me. And refused to do anything along the lines of BDSM. Not even spanking. I didn't have to live without these things entirely because when I was left to my own devices, I could do some of this stuff to myself. And I managed to live without the rest of it.

But he's gone now and I'm starting over again. I will indulge now. Because I can!

This is something you really need to think about. Can you live without the things that you crave? And if you can't, can you live with yourself if you enter into something online? Keep in mind that online stuff is somewhat limiting and you always run the risk of the other person developing deep feelings for you. I can't tell you how many guys that I spoke to online fell in love with me, wanted to marry me, wanted me to move to where they were, etc. Even when I started the conversation out by telling him that none of those things were going to happen, they still happened. And then you are left with an awkward situation.

Hope that helped!

 

[JMR85]

Sorry to hear about your experiences. It sounds rough at times - for your and your friends - but at least you're seeing some light at the end of the tunnel by the sounds of things

A lot of what you said has confirmed what I was thinking. I know I have choices to make, and I know nothing like I like is "wrong."

I still indulge myself with the occasional Audio download - but it's difficult to find good Femdom audios that aren't just like "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!" You know?

I know it's selfish...but if I could, I would like to reconnect with my old online domme. That was great fun. I know that isn't right, or going to happen.

I'm ok with sacrifice. I wonder what my SO would say she sacrifices?

It's hard. The idea of a don't-ask-don't-tell online thing would probably keep me going, but I wouldn't feel right about it.

When I told her about my kinks, we were a couple of years into our relationship. I figured that, since she is so open-minded, caring, inclusive and supportive of all persuasions I would be OK. She even ha bi-sexual fantasies when she was younger...so I thought it would go down OK.

Unfortunately, I think the response was something like...."You don't STILL want to do all that, do you?"

Since then, it's been difficult to talk about it. I don't understand. When someone who is LBGTQ or otherwise is on the TV she'll sit and listen and understand and be supportive. But when it's her SO, it's different.

I'm scared to talk about it again.

 

[Jada59]

Sorry to hear about your experiences. It sounds rough at times - for your and your friends - but at least you're seeing some light at the end of the tunnel by the sounds of things

A lot of what you said has confirmed what I was thinking. I know I have choices to make, and I know nothing like I like is "wrong."

I still indulge myself with the occasional Audio download - but it's difficult to find good Femdom audios that aren't just like "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!" You know?

I know it's selfish...but if I could, I would like to reconnect with my old online domme. That was great fun. I know that isn't right, or going to happen.

I'm ok with sacrifice. I wonder what my SO would say she sacrifices?

It's hard. The idea of a don't-ask-don't-tell online thing would probably keep me going, but I wouldn't feel right about it.

When I told her about my kinks, we were a couple of years into our relationship. I figured that, since she is so open-minded, caring, inclusive and supportive of all persuasions I would be OK. She even ha bi-sexual fantasies when she was younger...so I thought it would go down OK.

Unfortunately, I think the response was something like...."You don't STILL want to do all that, do you?"

Since then, it's been difficult to talk about it. I don't understand. When someone who is LBGTQ or otherwise is on the TV she'll sit and listen and understand and be supportive. But when it's her SO, it's different.

I'm scared to talk about it again.

Wow. See... If I were in your shoes, I would not have waited until two years into the relationship. But then, I'm a pretty open book when it comes to most everything.

As for sacrifices? That's not something I'm really into. I did make an agreement when we got this house that my ex could use the back house for his man cave and I would get the master suite. That wasn't really so much of a sacrifice although I think he somehow saw it was one. He actually never really used the building much so I had the notion of turning it into a dance studio until I discovered how much a sprung floor would cost.

I do find it sad that you would have to even have a talk with her about these things.

Maybe you can find a way to start in small ways. She may never come around fully though. Such as, you could come to bed with a nice scarf draped around your neck but then use it in sensual ways on her. Or tell her playfully that you've been bad and need a spanking. Maybe she won't even know that she's into these things until she has tried them!

I wish you the best!

 

[JMR85]

Thank you.

I wish it were as easy as you make it sound.

 

[Jada59]

Thank you.

I wish it were as easy as you make it sound.

It could be. Think positively. As in... She will embrace this!

There is a saying called 'Us pushed out". What that means is whatever you are thinking and feeling is projected out into the world. If you keep thinking that these things will upset her, they likely will. Try thinking of her accepting these things.

 

[JMR85]

It could be. Think positively. As in... She will embrace this!

There is a saying called 'Us pushed out". What that means is whatever you are thinking and feeling is projected out into the world. If you keep thinking that these things will upset her, they likely will. Try thinking of her accepting these things.

Yeah, I am trying.

There's just too much going on in her life right now - she's struggling with a lot.

I guess I'll have to wait.