Stranded Ch. 00

[Jet Black]

Hello all! Don't mind my terrible nervousness, as this is my first time ever submitting a story onto literotica.

This is my first story, and having re-read it about a thousand times I keep finding a million errors I missed, but... alas, I'm only one man.

Basically, I'm looking for some reviews. My score isn't too bad on it so far (which is encouraging) But I didn't have public reviews set to "on" so I was getting no feedback for the three days it had been approved... (and I had been busy).

The story is called, Stranded. It's just the prologue, and I've chapter one completed (but unedited) and will have chapter 2 finished by the end of the night.

It's about a step-brother (the story is first person, and from his point of view... at the moment.) and a step-sister. Tragedy strikes, forcing them to fight for there lives. It's amazing how traumatic experiences can bring some people together

Here's a link http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=343532



SO! Now comments are on, and I'm making this thread to see what I need to improve, and what everyone thinks of the story ^_^. Now I'm off to track down some editors or beta readers or something -_-'

Be gentle, but be honest *nod*

 

[Singularity]

Chapter 00

I read your intro, aptly titled 'Chapter 00' and I have to say it is a bit short and light for a 'chapter'. It does an OK job of setting up the siblings' predicament in the wilderness after the plane crash, but as a stand-alone chapter which will intrigue a reader to want to come back and find Chapter 1, when it emerges, it doesn't really set a very strong 'hook'. I would have included more of what you've probably got drafted/planned for Chapter 1, here.

Chapters which are overly short can try an interested reader's patience, while waiting for the next one (and remembering to look for it, or to see a fresh forum posting about it, etc). Also, a story that goes from Chapter 1 to Chapter 39 in 39 postings can be problematic, too. If you don't hook them on the first chapter, no one is going to ever look at Chapters 2-39.

I also felt that the characters focus on getting their luggage out of the plane to not be very realistic. The plane is in the lake, the lake is on fire from the fuel, and it is sinking, with only three feet of the tail sticking out of the water, and the swimmer is already feeling the effects of hypothermia. I can't see anyone in that situation focusing on suitcases in addition to getting his sister out. You don't describe the angle of the plane in the water, but the door (in front of the wing on most planes), but in my interpretation it would be pretty deep down in the water.

My suggestion is that if you're going to use the contents of the luggage for 'surviving in the wilderness' props, you could do something to have the door of the luggage compartment get ripped off, resulting in some stuff floating in the water. That would have made it easier for them to plausibly get at it.

You've got most of the basic tenses, paragraphing, and formatting all right, unlike many new writers. My only real concern is the brevity of what you've started with. There's not enough character or plot development here to venture any further in a critique.


S.

 

[Jet Black]

*nods nods* thank you, thank you. Is there any way to update a new version of a story (short of deleting it and re-submitting it)?

I'm hopeless when it comes to editing my own work; its a never-ending process with me.

It does make sense about the door being quite underwater, but that and the luggage thing can be explained by the character's backround. I purposefully wrote it with the intention for the reader to go "oh my god... He was freezing half to death... Why the fuck would he even think about his luggage?!"

It becomes clear later ^^ I'm a sucker for sub-plots.


Also, I didn't name it chapter 00 >.<. I named it prologue, which in my writing is typically shorter. Chapter one is a little over twice as long (I think). And I generally leave out most character development, just use it as a sort of set up time for the plot. I found it hard to do... What with the first person perspective.

Additionally, there's absolutely no sex or anything. This is also intentional... Though a bit of a risk on my part. I don't want readers there for the sex, I want them there for the story. Trust me... The sex is... Fan-fucking-tastic, but I'm an absolute slave to teasing and build up. By the time this couple takes it too the next level, I expect every reader will be about to burst ^_^.

Some people won't be able to handle it (I don't make em wait toooo long, just like with a partner during sex.) Too long and they get frusterated, too quick and... Well, its just not satisfying. Some readers will get frusterated. They're just gunna have to wait. I write incest/romance, not incest/porn... Ok mebe a little porn >_> but mainly romance and interesting stories.

 

[Kaioke]

Jet,

Building up is hunky-dory, it is. However, you may want to put a disclaimer on the top of the prologue indicating that there will be sex- it's just on it's way. Another site I frequent has disclaimers like this, or if it's a work about bdsm, or gay people.

However, as Singularity said, you have the correct usage of punctuation, paragraph usage and you have a great grasp on the perspectives, in this case, first person.


However, you seem to rely on italics, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I AM saying, don't make them your form of expression, think of all the books you've ever read, it's pretty rare when you find a book that has words that are bold, italicized, underlined, etc. (And yes, I do know, text modification only appears in the Prologue once, but I know Jet personally and know more is coming).

This is a great work and can aspire to become an amazing novel.

Matthew

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, Jet Black, and welcome to Lit.

Generally, your prologue is well-written.

I did have some trouble suspending disbelief with regard to the water temperature. I don't recall exactly how it works, but understand hypothermia sets in very quickly below a certain water temperature. Does the water need to be that cold?

Sure enough, there she was, still strapped to her seat. I choked back tears, fearing her dead. Her usually quite stylish auburn hair was wet and mottled around her face

You're doing a pretty good job of putting us in the mindset of this man who's just survived a plane crash, but this observation seemed out of place. Would he really be thinking that her hair is usually stylish as he's trying to get her out of the wreckage before they both drown? Feels like your desire to convey her appearance is fighting with your need to keep this narrative action flowing. Your POV character can have thoughts that seem out of place, but you might have him think how weird it is to be thinking that right then to alleviate the reader's skepticism as to whether the writer is slipping, or the character is being quirky.

I found this a bit confusing:

The harness unclasped finally, and I was reminded abruptly of the laws of gravity.

She fell on me, I fell backwards, and we landed with a thud, half on the back of a seat. I let out a startled yelp when she moved.

I thought there was just a pocket of air he'd swum up to to get a few breaths? But now she seems to be completely above water?

I know others have mentioned the luggage, but here's my take, anyway: first, his reasoning about not having time to help other possible survivors would seem far less callous if he wasn't going after his luggage, and second, the impact of a plane crash is so intense, it's hard to imagine anything being where someone left it.

A castaway story strains credulity by its very premise. That may not be a big deal to the majority of people going into the incest category for a stroke story, but for the rest of us, you'll have to go the extra mile to make this kind of story vaguely believable. The luggage detail bothers me a lot. I'd seriously consider having his bag wash up on shore; let them find it three days later when they're starting to be really scared they're going to starve to death. Then you get added tension, and greater suspension of disbelief.

Same goes for this:

It wasn't winter; in fact, it was as warm as it got in Canada, early summer. But we were quite far north, and summer didn't mean the same thing in Canada as it did in the US.

Um, some parts of Canada abut some parts of the U.S. What you say in that paragraph is true of northern Canada versus the southern U.S.A., but less true of, I don't know, Seattle versus Vancouver. Get specific, and the story will suddenly feel far more "true."

The bag seemed like a lead weight around my neck, but the land was…right there. Right in front of them.

Shouldn't that be "Right in front of us"?

It's a good set-up for an incest story--many in that category don't bother with a plausible premise. And I like the little tease about the MC's tendency to get into bad situations--it's a nice character hook.

I agree with others that you might want to combine the prologue and your first chapter--there's not quite enough here to hook readers to ensure they'll come back when the next installment is out.

I hope some of that's helpful.

-Varian

 

[Jet Black]

Wow! Thank you so much, I didn't even notice those things. The "them" was just a minor slip--I've never really written a full length first person pov story before--but one I should have caught.

I'll just come out an explain his mindset a bit... He's had proper training in such things >.>. Its sorta his profession. It comes into play later on. These are chapters, remember, not standalone stories. (Chapter 1 is completed and submitted, though I'll need to edit it again... Sorta rushed it)

And he is a bit quirky. He doesn't really care about people he don't know. In the plane, he doesn't even bother to look for other survivors.. I think I originally had a paragraph describing him looking for other survivors but only finding dead people. I edited out a while back... Not sure I should have now.

Hmm.. What else. Oh, the pocket of air. I didn't describe it very well, I will definitly have to change that. The pocket of air I was describing is what caused the tail to stick out, there was enough air in there to prevent the plane from collapsing immediatly. So, like the back row of seats and everything behind it was above the water line in the plane. Hard to describe this stuff sometimes o.o'

But thank you again for pointing this stuff out. I edit it myself, but I can only learn so much by myself.. It would have never occured to me the pocket of air inside the plane can be misconstrued as something smaller, probably because I see it so clearly in my minds eye. *nods*

I shouldn't have to explain every point in a story though, it should be described well enough so that you don't have to ask said questions. I'll be trying harder in the future, re-reading, getting some beta-readers/editors (I have 1 so far woo! ^_^).

Also, do I have to delete then re-submit something to change it? Or can I just submit a revision with the same name?

 

[mjl2010]

Well. I am never gentle but I am honest.

Mostly, a good start. There are a few flaws but I wouldn't worry too much about them. If you're a perfectionist, you can always submit an edit.

There's one place you switch, for a sentence, from first to third person. I think someone else mentioned it. A couple of other minor things, no big deal.

I agree that it is short. I agree you should specify where they are to a greater degree. How did he get out of the plane in the first place? Why didn't he take his sister out with him in the first place? Why? There are several things that go unanswered here that would have added to the story.

So as I said, mostly a good start. You do need an editor though.

In something like this, where the main protagonist is in a desperate situation, consider the effects of adrenalin. Thoughts are quick and focused. People don't experience guilt or worry about luggage or anything like that. Unless this person is a trained or experienced person who has been in desperate situations before, they are not going to think of luggage. They are not going to worry about who is dead or alive. They would go back for the girl, but unlikely they'd go for the luggage or bag or even instruct them to.

Good thinking about the air pocket. With the nose down and the entry hatch to the front of the passenger compartment, there would likely be a good pocket of air for a short time, which you made good use of. Well done.

I see some good potential here.

Welcome to writing and Lit.

Forgot to mention. I voted. Sent ya a PM too.

MJL

 

[sr71plt]

In something like this, where the main protagonist is in a desperate situation, consider the effects of adrenalin. Thoughts are quick and focused. People don't experience guilt or worry about luggage or anything like that. Unless this person is a trained or experienced person who has been in desperate situations before, they are not going to think of luggage. They are not going to worry about who is dead or alive. They would go back for the girl, but unlikely they'd go for the luggage or bag or even instruct them to.

I haven't read the chapter so I don't know how realistic it is in this regard, but I must say that people in desperate situations (something I've had quite a bit of experience with) do, in fact, often, in the initial shock, latch onto things like the whereabouts of their luggage rather than what calm perspective would identify as higher-priority concerns. When I read something where someone in a shared mass tragedy quickly takes charge and does the logical from highest priority to least, I know that the writer has never been anywhere close to such a situation. Life isn't like the movies. In my worst threatened moment (my car purposely rammed by a carload of terrorists set on kidnapping me--or worse), despite having been trained up the kazoo on exactly what to do to counter the threat, I initially froze solid (luckily, so did they) and my first thought was whether the gear we were scheduled to take on vacation the next day would fit in one of our other cars.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, Jet Black, and a great welcome.

As has been said, a willingness to tell a story coupled with technical and grammatical skill is a good start. I thought your ‘Prologue’ (why prologue and not ch.1?) a really enjoyable hors d’oeuvre and am looking forward to the rest.

Reading the comments so far, there seems to be a consensus that you have a good start but could have gone a bit further in this chapter. I agree but would suggest that, perhaps, you took a bit too long over the rescue and tried to put too much info in there.

All the sensible comments about the incongruity of luggage and saving other passengers suggest it might have been better left to dialogue after the exciting underwater adventures. Lying on the sand there is time for a respite and review.

I guess that is my point. Varian picks out certain times when the urgency of the rescue is mixed with more philosophical thoughts and perhaps a more dramatic rescue with a reflective aftermath could have worked.

For example, you start;

I emerged from the water, my burning lungs on the verge of exploding as I sucked in a great gasp of air.

Oh my God.

I struggled to keep my head above water; I was already so very tired. How did I get here? What happened? Taking in another lungful of air, trying not to hyperventilate, I looked around, trying in vain to see if there were any other survivors.

For me, this needed to be a lot more urgent and like the start of a TV thriller. Just a thought, but:-

My head burst out of the water, burning lungs almost exploding as they sucked in blessed, life-giving air.

Where was I? What had happened? Where was she? Tiredness was pulling me down, wanting me to stop fighting. Wild thoughts ran through my sodden brain as I struggled to stay above water and keep the flow of lifesaving oxygen filling my chest.

In a story – like a screenplay – you have to hook em from the first scene. The speed and desperateness of the action should be reflected in the prose – short, action-packed sentences stripped of subordinate clauses, slow verbs (emerging?) and anything remotely passive’.

I’m probably a geek on this, but I find playing with grammar a bit off-putting. For instance, you wrote;

Getting Britt's attention, I pointed, "L-land. L-lucky we m-missed it."

Personally, I would have preferred, Getting Britt's attention, I stammered, "Land, land, lucky we missed it."

Same with the ellipses and such.

Overall, I am sucked in by the premise and please post here when the next chapter appears.

Hope this helps – if not, just ignore me, you write well.

Elle

 

[Jet Black]

Hi, Jet Black, and a great welcome.

As has been said, a willingness to tell a story coupled with technical and grammatical skill is a good start. I thought your ‘Prologue’ (why prologue and not ch.1?) a really enjoyable hors d’oeuvre and am looking forward to the rest.

Reading the comments so far, there seems to be a consensus that you have a good start but could have gone a bit further in this chapter. I agree but would suggest that, perhaps, you took a bit too long over the rescue and tried to put too much info in there.

All the sensible comments about the incongruity of luggage and saving other passengers suggest it might have been better left to dialogue after the exciting underwater adventures. Lying on the sand there is time for a respite and review.

I guess that is my point. Varian picks out certain times when the urgency of the rescue is mixed with more philosophical thoughts and perhaps a more dramatic rescue with a reflective aftermath could have worked.

For example, you start;

I emerged from the water, my burning lungs on the verge of exploding as I sucked in a great gasp of air.

Oh my God.

I struggled to keep my head above water; I was already so very tired. How did I get here? What happened? Taking in another lungful of air, trying not to hyperventilate, I looked around, trying in vain to see if there were any other survivors.

For me, this needed to be a lot more urgent and like the start of a TV thriller. Just a thought, but:-

My head burst out of the water, burning lungs almost exploding as they sucked in blessed, life-giving air.

Where was I? What had happened? Where was she? Tiredness was pulling me down, wanting me to stop fighting. Wild thoughts ran through my sodden brain as I struggled to stay above water and keep the flow of lifesaving oxygen filling my chest.

In a story – like a screenplay – you have to hook em from the first scene. The speed and desperateness of the action should be reflected in the prose – short, action-packed sentences stripped of subordinate clauses, slow verbs (emerging?) and anything remotely passive’.

I’m probably a geek on this, but I find playing with grammar a bit off-putting. For instance, you wrote;

Getting Britt's attention, I pointed, "L-land. L-lucky we m-missed it."

Personally, I would have preferred, Getting Britt's attention, I stammered, "Land, land, lucky we missed it."

Same with the ellipses and such.

Overall, I am sucked in by the premise and please post here when the next chapter appears.

Hope this helps – if not, just ignore me, you write well.

Elle

If I ignore such good advice, I'll never be a good writer. Thank you for the points. I've never really written such an... adventure/thriller before. The input you gave on the opening lines will really help me re-write the opening scene. I didn't know it was so important, but I'm learning! ^_^

And it'd make sense that he stammered instead of pointed... He was fricken freezing, and would probably need his hand to tread water anyways.

I did toy with the idea with recalling the entire series of events after a short, thrilling escape with Britt to the beach. Like, it starts with both of them struggling to survive and get to land (which I could have invested more detail on) and then have the main character recall all the events that happened just before slipping into unconsciousness. For some reason I decided against it *shrug*.

Hmm... Thanks for the input ^_^ You've given me much to think about.


~Jet

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Jet