Story Virgin; Would love feedback

[Raglanroad]

Hi, I recently posted a story to this forum. It was my first and I would love to get more feedback on it. I have never written before but found the experience thoroughly enjoyable and intend to do more.

Any feedback I've gotten so far has been positive, so that's encouraging.

The story is called "Adultery on the Lord"

If you like it please let me know, and if you don't: please let me know why.

Thanks,

RR

Here's a link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=461683

 

[rjordan]

Except for a few puzzling descriptions ("The air in the chapel felt slow from use."), it is a wonderful story, well told. Forget it and get on with the next one.

RJ

 

[PacoFear]

Not bad, really

I thought it was a solid bit of writing. I particularly liked this paragraph:

Taking it all in, this scene would be burned into her memory forever; the adolescent toe ring, the lilac lace panties that never made it off her left ankle, the heat in the room, and the smell of their sex.

It was efficiently and gloriously descriptive.

As rjordan noted, I think there were a few descriptive miscues though too. The one that had me puzzling for several seconds was this one:

Finding his groove and with a laconic detachment, he drove his cock into her, groaning softly. He fucked her with abandon as her wet pussy started to run down her ass onto the churches books.

It may be my lack of imagination, but I can't wrap my head around what seem to me to be the conflicting images of a laconically detached man and him fucking a woman with abandon. The mens rea and actus reus don't coincide. *cough lawyer cough* His mental state and act don't jive.

The trouble with carrying the weight of your story with description is that you have to really f-ing good at descriptions. You've got moments of brilliance in there but you've stumbled a few times too.

You read like a smart fella. Find the flaws in the story and smooth 'em out. Or, as rjordan has already suggested (jesus, this is like the fourth time I've agreed with him today), take what you've learned and move on to your tale.

Either way, I vote you keep writing.

-PF