Story: Vampire Fledgling

[gizmoo69]

I have just started a new story, Vampire Fledgling, and am asking for any feedback or new threads. This is my first new story in a LONG time, so I would appreciate any comments.

 

[amalgam]

Hi, Gizmoo. Your writing is more than adequate, but I get the feeling that you're trying to say too much sometimes, and it gets awkward. Some things are already clear or decipherable, and it isn't necessary to spell em all out.

Additionally, I'd try to be less presumptive of the reader, since this is a 2POV story.

Thanks for introducing The Masquerade to Chyoo!

 

[gizmoo69]

Hi, Gizmoo. Your writing is more than adequate, but I get the feeling that you're trying to say too much sometimes, and it gets awkward.

Thanks for the advice, man. You're quite right, I do tend to get over descriptive in my writing. I get a clear picture of what is happening in my head, and I want to convey it in precisely that way. Trouble is, I forget that the best part of erotica is the use of imagination, and I don't think i necessarily leave enough room for it!

Additionally, I'd try to be less presumptive of the reader, since this is a 2POV story.

I know what you mean with this, and I know there is a whole debate about whether or not you can describe emotions and thoughts in a 2nd POV story (I've read your thread on this).

However, I kind of feel that for everything CHYOO is about, you can't help but to describe emotions and thoughts at times. This is doubly true for a story such as this where the focus is very much on the protagonist (you), as opposed to stories like Fun with the Family, where the focus is more on the people you fuck.

Having said all of that, I have taken your advice on board and will get to work on some revision of the threads to streamline them and leave a bit of room for reader interpretation.

Thanks for introducing The Masquerade to Chyoo!

You're welcome!

 

[gizmoo69]

OK, I have updated the story a little. Basically, I tidied it up a bit and made it (hopefully) a bit more smooth and readable. Again, feedback would be great.

Man, my spelling gets bad when I get excited!

 

[narlen]

Good story, got a lot of potential, i mean vampires are just so cool & there's so many different interpretations of vampires & their mythology that it'll be good to see where you go with this story Much appreciated

 

[gizmoo69]

Glad you like it. I agree, all vampire mythology has massive sexual undertones. I'm just trying to find a way to exploit that for my own sordid gratification!

 

[deathofcards]

The Masquerade... nooo

No not The Masquerade, far too many bad memories of the MET LARP vampire system.

 

[gizmoo69]

Just wanted to plug Vampire Fledgling a bit more. I've added some more to the story, and I'm pretty proud of how it's coming along. Please read it and let me know what you think. Or, even better, add to it!

At some point I will post here exactly where I hope to take the main part of this story as guidelines for potential writers who may be unsure of what/where to add, but of course this is CHYOO, so any deviations or tangents are not only welcome, but expected!

 

[narlen]

I know I'm enjoying it gizmoo, keep up the good work

 

[gizmoo69]

I know I'm enjoying it gizmoo, keep up the good work

Well thank you very much! Just for that, I've added a new thread!

Read your story by the way, and I'm quite impressed. I'm not normally one for incest stories, but your writing style is impressive and very sexy .

 

[narlen]

Hey thanks, it's not all going to be that i just haven't gotten round do doing much else on it yet, hehe I'll go read your thread now.

 

[gizmoo69]

After a bit of a break, I've gotten back to writing a bit more to this story, so thought I'd bump this post to celebrate

I've not added anything huge, just incorporated the Traditions of Vampire: the Requiem into the storyline, to help anyone who doesn't know much about V:TR. The thread can be found here. As usual, feedback/story additions welcomed.

 

[gizmoo69]

OK, so I've added another thread, here, which covers what exactly a vampire can and can't do. The story is pretty much self-explanatory now, in that every question you may have as a writer should be answered within the two threads I've just written. I'm trying to make the story a bit more accessible to people who don't know V:TR, as I want it to be more about the story (and the sex) than the intricacies of vampiric society.

Besides, I don't really know that much about V:TR

 

[gizmoo69]

It's been a while, but I've added a new thread to this story, here, where instead of jumping to the front of the queue for a nightclub and fighting the bouncers, you queue patiently. Basically, I've carved out the main plot to a point, and now I'm going back over to add in side paths and slots for other writers to jump in (please! ). Feedback/comments gratefully accepted. Oh, and thanks to amalgam for his feedback.

 

[gizmoo69]

Basically, I've carved out the main plot to a point, and now I'm going back over to add in side paths and slots for other writers to jump in (please! ).

My plan worked! Thanks again, amalgam for your addition, one from me will be headed your way soon.

Also, to the person who added a link to the story, I'm afraid I had to reject it on account of it turning the story into an endless loop. I suspect it was done by mistake, but can't leave feedback on rejected links, so thought I'd post up here.

 

[gizmoo69]

After a long break, new life has been breathed into this vampiric tale (pun completely intended).

ParadoxPie has written an excellent thread, entitled You don't have much choice. Thanks for the addition! And congrats on your first ever CHYOO thread!

 

[gizmoo69]

Another excellent addition by ParadoxPie, entitled You go down.

Incidentally, the character of Ginger in this thread is inspired by a porn star by the name of Liz Vicious. When I first saw pictures of her, I just thought she had a certain vampiric quality to her, which I found quite sexy and thought would fit well with the story.