Story Snags

[BarePaw]

The story I posted for the Christmas contest recieved mostly good reviews. One poster, however, said that it had "little mechanical snags that kept breaking into the flow". Could you please point these out to me? The story is here:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=229156
Thanks for your help.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi.

This post should probably be in the Story Feedback forum and I suspect the moderator will move it there within a few days. For information on what the Story Discussion Circle is about, please see this thread:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=304663

That said, it's a common misunderstanding, please don't fret over it.

The story I posted for the Christmas contest recieved mostly good reviews. One poster, however, said that it had "little mechanical snags that kept breaking into the flow".

I assume the comment to which you refer is the one left by Rumple. In my opinion, his comment is your best review because had he seen a pile of rubbish I doubt he would have bothered responding at all. As usual, he's right. He's also much better than I am at technical stuff, but here's what I noticed in a single pass:

> "Marvelous" he answered.
Missing the comma. It should be:
"Marvelous," he answered.

Similar punctuation issues for all of these:
"You won't be able to fight them off" he replied.
"Think cold shower" he told himself. (Also, was this spoken or thought? I couldn't tell)
"I bet Santa wouldn't mind one bit." Trevor remarked (period should be a comma)
Her lips grazed his ear as she whispered softly: "Take me home." (colon should be a comma)


> "Good enough to pick up a few guys at the party?" She asked, giving him a wink.
Capitalization issue. "She" doesn't really start a new sentence, so it should be:
"Good enough to pick up a few guys at the party?" she asked, giving him a wink.
Same for all of these:
"Thanks for coming with me tonight," Said Trevor. "I owe you one."


> Before Trevor knew it, he was being towed into a line by an espresso stand advertising eggnog lattés.
Passive sentence. Worse still, it sounds like the espresso stand is doing the towing.

> "Anything for you my dear," he relented.
I believe you're missing a comma:
"Anything for you, my dear," he relented.

> "I think we missed your party," she said with a grin.
This isn't a technical issue, but I had a hard time believing they'd been at it for the couple hours necessary for them to miss the start of the party, even if one takes into account the carriage ride and drive home.

> "Do I get extra points for seducing your boss?" Brittany asked, playfully.
While also not technically an error, adverbs like the one in bold are often a sign of weakness. In this case, as a reader I have to pause and figure out what it means to ask playfully. Did she bat her eyes? Wiggle her hips? Was it the pitch of her voice? Just a sultry little grin? There are too many possibilities. Better if you can show me which one.

In other cases, adverbs are redundant instead of vague, such as "gently caress" or "whisper softly".

For more on adverbs, please see:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

Same for all of these:
She started dancing in front of him, slowly slipping off her coat.
Trevor gazed longingly at the cleavage formed by the plump natural breasts that peaked out over the neckline of her blouse.
He imagined himself cupping each breast in his hand, caressing it gently, feeling its softness and warmth.
He longed to take each nipple in his mouth and suck it gently.
Children ran gleefully through the drifts...
Snow fell softly on the sidewalks.

Trevor looked worriedly at his watch.
... opened the ornately decorated door...
He responded by bringing his hand up to protect her face, lightly caressing it as he did.
When they finally broke the kiss, Brittany looked worriedly into Trevor's eyes.
She felt his crotch underneath the overcoat, gently caressing his erect penis through his jeans.
Her lips grazed his ear as she whispered softly...
... pushed him violently inside.
... finally succeeded in unhooking it...
... frantically tugging at each other's pants.
They moved together, perfectly synchronized.
Their moans of pleasure, perfectly harmonized ...


Finally, there are some more subtle issues regarding perspective. As he's much more attuned to this particular topic than I am, perhaps Rumple will be kind enough to drop by and elaborate on the blessings of a uniform POV within a given scene.

The other comments you've received are on the mark as well, it's a pleasant little tale, especially for it's length. The pace and flow make it an easy read and the story focuses on the characters and their flirting, not just the sex.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[BarePaw]

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it. Sorry about the forum screwup.

 

[Pure]

I agree with Rumple on this one. It does read pretty smoothly, and there is a bit of a story.

Penny did a good job with a number of problems, from punctuation to adverbs like 'worriedly'.

Here's a couple other issues.

Homonyms in the first two sentences, below.

In the para., eight sentences in a row start with 'he' or 'she.'

Trevor gazed longingly at the cleavage formed by the plump natural breasts that peaked out over the neckline of her blouse.

---
She braced her hands against his chest, digging her nails into his pecks.
---

She reacted with a gasp and ground her hips against him harder. He grabbed her legs with both hands and pulled her upwards. She didn't resist and the head of his penis was soon enveloped in a velvety warmth that aroused every sexual instinct within him. She slid down over his shaft, impaling herself in a wave of desire. They held that pose for a brief moment, then began to move together in a rhythm so perfect it was as if they had practiced for years. She began to moan as each thrust of his hips sent his member deeper and deeper into her. She braced her hands against his chest, digging her nails into his pecks. He grasped her butt, squeezing her cheeks as her gluteal muscles pulsed in time with their rhythm.

====
This is an old plot, I guess (and real life event)--old friends end up in the sack. The narration is third person, and the point of view is quasi omniscient, but focused on his mind. This is a bit of a drawback, since, on reflection, she seems to have made the change, initiated things, and we never quite know why. We have a general sense it's a magical night, and our understanding is fairly generic-- this sort of thing does happen.

We don't know much about her character except she's playful and flirtatious; in effect ,just waiting to for the sex scene with him. Even from his pov, we have no explanation why things never 'progressed.'
It's a little of the 'When Harry met Sally,' thing, where frends go on and on.

Such you're good at story telling, the proofing and editing problem are certainly solvable, and with a litle fleshing out, the characters would have more impact. The sex is a bit anatomical and predictable--potentially it's hot if you could find a voice that didn't get drawn into 'gluteal muscle' description.

Keep up the writing and drop by the Story Disc Circle sometime.

J.