Story: Oral Sex in Church

[mweflen]

Looking for feedback: Oral Sex in Church

This is my first story, inspired by the "Sex in Church" story idea thread.

It is orally themed, starring a priest and a young female parishioner.

Any and all feedback is welcome. Be gentle with this virgin!

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=15260711&postcount=508

 

[kbate]

A different look at the confessional.

It could use a trimming of the fat in several places, deletion of about all but 2 adverbs. (leave the two describing the priest's manner of speech and delete the rest)

Too many exclamation points. Italicize her thoughts, some quotation errors in places.

A few dozen changes in wording here and there would help with the flow of the story.

"She was given the chalice." this kind of passive voice phrase should be revised. He held out the chalice; He handed her the chalice, She drank from the chalice; she threw the damn chalice in his filthy face. Any of these is more active and more exciting.

Overall a fairly clean effort, probably passive voice is your largest problem, excess adverb use second and punctuation third.

 

[mweflen]

kbate,

Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate it.

I will give the story a look-see and post my thoughts and/or edits.

Did you enjoy the story?

 

[kbate]

Ah, a content review. I so rarely do that.

I found it interesting, if not entirely enjoyable. I read it primarily with an eye toward style and grammar and found the errors sufficient to prevent a fast flowing read.

The topic I enjoy. I would rather her thoughts were clearer through the story, more in keeping with the nature of the confessional. She is there for overwhelming guilt and that was only touched and not felt.

The story was good but could be much better.

I would rate it a 3 or 4 if posted on Lit in current form and 4 or 5 f revised to flow better and I felt her guilt, shame and eventual salvation through the writing.

 

[mweflen]

I've made a few small edits, taking out some exclamations and a few instances of passive voice. I corrected a few typos. The above link will lead you to the revised word doc.

As far as adverbs go, that will be a tough habit to crack, if not simply a matter of individual taste. I enjoy them, but of course being the author it is tough to look at objectively. Either way, I appreciate the feedback tremendously!