Story of abuse

[Adhra]

Hey guys,
I wrote my first story, and I wanted some feedback on it. So far, the votes say 4.08.. is that good.
Check it out please.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=237356

Post comments! ;-P
THANKS

Adhra

 

[kbate]

Hi Adhra, welcome to Literotica.

Your story has some problems which hurt it, in my opinion. Some (but not all) of the weak lines below:

"I opened the door to my room and felt humid carpet smell. Like when one goes to a hotel room that has obviously not been occupied for a while."

The action "felt humid carpet" and the simile, do not exactly convey the image of a dank, dark room with an aura of unuse.
***
Suddenly a thud was heard in the kitchen.

It is difficult to imagine a more passive voice phrase than this one.
"I heard a noise in the kitchen!" <- action to the narrator.
***
In the morning, Emily woke me up bringing me my ripped camisole, she found in the art room "Quite a night you had!"

This line, while the action is clear, is written poorly and could easily be better -
I woke in the morning. "Quite a night you had!" Emily, my roommate was standing over me, holding my torn camisole.
***
Suddenly I could hear that my roommates where having passionate, loud sex on the other room.

"where"? Everything happens suddenly. Why?

**

Overall it is a fair story, the writing does not flow and the odd phrasing causes it to be less enjoyable than it otherwise could be.

**

4.00 is good for this.