Story i wrote.. appreciate feedback...

[Roxie1986]

Reunion...


Amy was nervous, really nervous. She paced across the
Terminal in the Airport again and again. Checking the Departure
list as she walked past. She decided that she had time to check her
make up and outfit one last time as people were starting to get
ready to board the plane.

She was putting on her lipstick, and was thinking about him again.
Amy unaware of what she was doing ran her hand down her chest.
''Hmmm'', she moaned aloud, starting to get wet and incredibly turned on.
Looking at her watch she decided she would have to wait, after all
it would be more fun to play at the hotel with him.

Checking herself out in the mirror before she left, she smoothed
the creases in her skirt and picked up her bag. Amy at the
mere age of 22, looked gorgeous.Long brunette hair that she
had left down with a blunt fringe,5'2,slightly tanned skin, full
34DD breasts and a slender frame.

She walked quickly to the gate as her flight was announced for the
last time. Cursing at herself for wearing her new black velvet 5 inch
heeled knee-high boots. Smiling to herself she knew he would be
surprised at the outfit. She was wearing her new black t-shirt and
red and black tartan mini-skirt, and underneath was an even sweeter
surprise...Black silk panties and bra with black lace up stockings
which were attached to their silk suspender.

Sitting down she looked around,the plane wasnt that full... she had
the row to herself. Pulling out her magazine she let her mind wander
into thoughts of him. Her cheeks flushed slightly and she jumped as
the flight attendant asked her would she like a snack or drink.
Forty-five minutes had passed and there was only another hour to go
till landing.Buying a coke and chicken sandwich she settled down in
her seat.Taking off her boots she tucked her feet under her.

......The plane had entered some turbulence and Amy awoke with
a shock. She looked at her watch, twenty minutes till she saw Jack.
He was going to pick her up at the airport, and take her back to the
room he was staying in. She decided to use the bathroom
now before landing rather than get caught with having to wait to go
through security.

She pulled on her boots and walked to the back of the plane. When inside
she reapplied her make up and fixed her hair. She went to the bathroom
and then washed up and smoothed down her skirt. Checking her appearance
a final time, she smiled and walked back to her seat. Just in time too,
as the seatbelt signs lit up and she got her stuff together in her bag.


...As she walked into the arrival area with her luggage, she looked
around and couldnt see Jack anywhere. She walked to some seats and
turned on her cell phone. She was halfway into dialling his number, when
she felt a hand on her shoulder and a kiss on her neck. ''Hi beautiful'' he
whispered. Amy's skin reacted to his touch and she turned and smiled
up at him. Jack was 5ft7, athletic build with blonde streaks.
He bent down and kissed her lips and the took her hand in his and lifted her
luggage in the other and starting walking to the car.

He had no sooner put the bags in the car and the doors shut when he turned
to her and ran his hand up her thigh. He whispered '' you know what that skirt
does to me...'' and started to kiss her more passionately. As they pressed
into each other the urgency between them and their needs grew. She felt him
hard pressing against her stomach through his jeans. He stopped and said
''lets get to the hotel and continue this there..'' Amy moaned and
said quietly '' hurry''.

..................................

... They reached the room and Amy sat on the bed, she saw him checking
her out and decided to tease him. She slowly opened her legs and leaned back
on the bed. His eyes darted up her leg to her silk panties. His cock was bulging
in his jeans. Amy said '' maybe you should let it out..'' Jack pulled
off his jeans and knelt in between her legs. Reaching up to her face, he kissed
her and then started undressing her. Sliding her boots off, the her skirt, and
then her t-shirt.


He unhooked her bra and let it drop to the floor. He slowly licked and sucked on
each nipple before trailing kisses all the way down her stomach.
He reached her silk panties and started to rub her gently through them..
Hearing her moaning and gasping, he pulled them down slowly, savouring the view.

Spreading her legs wide, he started to kiss and lick her pussy lightly.
Then he started to slowly suck on her clit. Amy gasped and cried out in
pleasure. Jack started to finger her pussy slowly while licking and sucking
her clit, getting her wetter and wetter. His fingers found her g-spot with ease,
and he started to rub it gently while licking and teasing her clit faster and
harder. Hearing Amy screaming in ecstasy, he added a second finger. He knew
she was close to cumming, so he slowed down and let it build up again..

Faster and faster his tongue darted over her clit, while his fingers were fucking her
and rubbing her clit harder and faster. Amy let out a scream and suddenly
squirted. He started to lick up the juices and when he had finished he then
pushed her further up the bed. Jack spread her legs and pushed them back,
he pushed into her tight wet pussy and started to fuck her slowly, teasingly.
He thrusted in her harder and faster while calling out her name, Amy arched her
back and begged him to fuck her harder.

Jack speeded up and knew they were both close to cumming. He kissed her and moaned
''im gonna cum''... Amy yelled out ''uh huh'' and Jack plunged deep in her tight
pussy, feeling it close around his cock and he came. Amy felt him cum deep in her
and it pushed her over the edge, her tight pussy squirting and pushing him out of her.
She gushed all over him and the bed. She half opened her eyes and he lay down beside her.
Pulling her into his arms, he kissed her, then pulled the blankets up over them and they
fell asleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Id appreciate any ideas or changes needed... Would love feedback about it... I wrote it at 6am on the 25-01-09... Its based on a semi true story...

 

[Guest]

I'll preface my remarks by saying that I'm not generally a fan of stroke stories, which this clearly is. Keep that in mind as you read my comments. If this is a true first effort, be proud.

I'm glad to know that this is semi-autobiographical. Other writers who have received feedback on this forum on autobiographical (i.e., "real") stories have admitted that it's very hard to go into emotional depth with the characters. It requires a good deal of emotional vulnerability.

The fact that it's semi-autobiographical helps explain why there are exactly two emotions in the story--worry, and lust. Even horny people whose sole objective is to meet and mate have a greater emotional range than that.

In consequence, I don't feel anything for Amy or Jack. Sex between two people can be hot, but only if the reader has some emotional response, positive or negative, to the characters. Amy and Jack exist in a vacuum; we know nothing about them except that they've had sex before and that he likes black underwear on her. We have no idea what country they're in; I'm assuming it's Europe, as the flight is an hour and 45minutes and one doesn't have to pass through Security again when deplaning in the States.

You don't have to write reams, but give the reader something about each of them and their history.

Basically, you have the kernel of a story, not a story; at its current length, it will fill up a bit less than 1/3 of a Literotica page--a very, very short read. The plot is almost non-existent and can be summed up as "lovers reunite and fuck." It's a good place to start, but it's not a plot. Now, I admitted I'm not a fan of stroke stories, but in my opinion, something else should happen. Because there's no inner life for your characters, there's no tension, no conflict, no story--just a description.

Your writing has numerous mechanical flaws--capitalization, punctuation, grammar, dialogue, continuity, and paragraphing. It's by no means the worst I've seen on Lit (and elsewhere). You should either get an editor or review the very helpful Writer's Resources that Lit offers, which you'll find here.

Opinions vary as to whether to describe characters by their bust sizes or cock lengths but most people consider it lazy writing. By the way--if she's 5' 2" and wearing five-inch heel boots, she won't have to look up very far at Jack's 5"7".

Those are my views, for what they're worth. I suspect you'll get different responses from other readers, so I'd urge you to consider whether mine have merit. If not, just disregard them.

 

[psyche_b_mused]

Hi there

I read the bit of your story you posted and it raised a million questions for me.
Why were they apart?
What's bringing them back together?
It seems like they're both traveling if he's bringing her to the room he's staying in, or is he married?
Does she get annoyed in the airport? Is there a crying baby on the plane?
Thousands of things happen to us when we're trying to get from point A to point B in life, expounding on a couple of them would make this a better story...or....i should say make it a story. Right now you have two scenes, but not a story.

I fully admit that I'm a very verbose writer, and I'm not saying that you have to be like me, but right now we have a sketch (sort of) of someone called Amy and another of someone called Jack (kinda) and we know they have sex. That's all we know. Knowing more about them and their motivations would make the sex better.

I agree about continuity and specific breast sizes....unless you really really REALLY have a great reason to use them I would say be descriptive in some other way. "The swell of her breasts were ripe and inviting on her small frame".....or something. The same goes for other intimate male details too.

The mechanics need work, but it's all fixable stuff.

Just my opinion....take it for what it's worth.
psyche b

 

[Darkniciad]

I don't mind a stroke story every once in a while, so I'll come at it from that angle

Keep the grammar/style suggestions from Gnome in mind, because those apply to stroke or deeper stories. There are quite a few things in this one that distract from getting into the tale.

From the angle of a stroke story, the sex feels too rushed. The build-up to it is good, all the way to the hotel. Once you get there, it's over before you know what hit you.

I think you need to expand it and get into more detail. You should put a little more emphasis on the black underwear, and how long it has been since she's seen him. That will bring more emotion, and thus more heat into the story.

Beyond that, delve deeper into the sensations, the scents, the tastes, the textures, the friction... Don't forget that there are a lot more than the naughty bits involved. Where are their hands? How did those hands get there?

The ratio of build-up to heat is just too strong. You need to turn up the thermostat on the sex.

 

[Roxie1986]

Hi... thanks for the comments so far.. I t literally was just a rough first draft and i have a lot of other things for it..
-reasons being apart etc...

I just wanted to get some feedback on it thats all..

- Its based on a true story and will have all the information in it...

Thanks again