Story Feedback, please? :)

[Pen_Dragon]

The first of my three chapter story has posted! This is my first time writing anything since high school, and certainly my first time trying to write erotica. As much feedback as possible would be appreciated to get me on the right track for the following chapters.


The story is intended to be a low fantasy drama about the characters in a frontier town that is about to be attacked.
Siege of Graesol Ch. 01

 

[Varian P]

le whoops.

 

[Nasha]

Hi there, Pen Dragon.

You seem to have a good grasp of language, and of storytelling. You did a nice job of introducing key characters, and then sort of backing up to give the wide shot of their world. And, though your prose is a tad florid for my taste during the opening sex scene, it had a good energy and tension to it.

My biggest bit of advice would be to carefully look over what you've written, with an eye to word choice. Clearly you've got a fine range of vocabulary, but here and there, your choice of phrase was odd enough to trip up my reading.

Examples:

Dural wrapped his arm behind his wife's back with one arm

maybe, "wrapped one arm behind his wife's back..."

kissing and licking her sharp pink nipples

Sharp?

Her heart throbbed in its chest

Her heart does not have a chest.

If you have a hard time catching those sorts of things when you proof your own writing (it happens to all of us), one of the volunteer editors could help you. There were some more minor misspellings and wrong words, like "breath" instead of "breathe" and editor could help you catch, too, since that sort of thing eludes spellcheckers.

I hope that's helpful. In my humble opinion, for a first-time writer of erotic fiction, you show loads of promise.

-Nasha

 

[Pen_Dragon]

Her heart throbbed in its chest

Her heart does not have a chest.

Ha! Oops!

Thanks for the feedback. It's pretty obvious now that I could have done a little more editing.

 

[Pen_Dragon]

Does anyone have anything to add?

Was the pacing okay? Characters? Did it flow well?

I'm hoping for more information so my second one can be better