Story Feedback on "Who shot the video"

[JoeVerde1]

I posted this a long time ago, but I have never been comfortable with it. I know it is not a great read, but I would like to hear some suggestions on how it could be better. https://literotica.com/s/who-shot-the-video

 

[TheRedChamber]

The fundamental problem with the story, I think, it that is about whether or not his wife cheated when they are already divorced, so there is not a lot at stake. It's also structured in such a way that there's never really any payoff to any of the sex scenes. He's in the hot tub with his wife and the supposed bull but then they get out and listen to some music. Because we don't know if the bull actually did anything, we never get to see anything - which is kind of why we're here. It's also structured in quite a strange way - it starts off like a detective casebook but that idea kind of disappears about a quarter of the way in. It also written in quite a detached way - the MC doesn't seem that bothered either way with whether his wife cheated on him and doesn't seem to have that much feelings for her either way.

How would I improve it. Maybe something like:

Scene 1) The MC is watching the old video tapes and feeling heartbroken about his wife leaving him. He still doesn't really understand what happened with their marriage. He watches one video maybe of them at the airport before/after his trip and then reminices about the great sex they had once he returned from the trip. He continues to watch and sees her in her bikini and works out that it was filmed when he was abroad. He's confused.

Scene 2) The MC meets up with his wife who is married to Mack at some gathering (say preparations for their daughter's wedding), offers her copies of the videos he's digitizing and mentions the bikini shot. From their reactions he starts to think that Mack may have been the lover who shot the film and wonders if it was left for him to find.

Scene 3) The viewpoint switches to the wife. We're given the scenes in which she first makes love with Mack and reasons why their relationship doesn't work out. The end of the chapter switches back to MC who has found this information in her old letters and it's not clear if the proceeding section was what actually happened or if it's all in MC's imagination.

Scene 4) We get the hottub scene. The first half is told from the MC point of view. After he falls asleep, the PoV switches to the wife and she get's up to all sorts with Mack. The MC wakes up and they continue with the rest of the 'normal' evening.

Scene 5) The day of the daughter's wedding the wife makes some comment about fidelity during the speeches. This drives the MC to go off and blame her about what he thinks he's discovered in front of everyone. Then either a) he's given clear evidence that everything he think is completely wrong and she was never unfaithful, or b) she breaks down and confesses everything and either they get back together or at least Mack is driven off.

 

[JoeVerde1]

The fundamental problem with the story, I think, it that is about whether or not his wife cheated when they are already divorced, so there is not a lot at stake. It's also structured in such a way that there's never really any payoff to any of the sex scenes. He's in the hot tub with his wife and the supposed bull but then they get out and listen to some music. Because we don't know if the bull actually did anything, we never get to see anything - which is kind of why we're here. It's also structured in quite a strange way - it starts off like a detective casebook but that idea kind of disappears about a quarter of the way in. It also written in quite a detached way - the MC doesn't seem that bothered either way with whether his wife cheated on him and doesn't seem to have that much feelings for her either way.

How would I improve it. Maybe something like:

Scene 1) The MC is watching the old video tapes and feeling heartbroken about his wife leaving him. He still doesn't really understand what happened with their marriage. He watches one video maybe of them at the airport before/after his trip and then reminices about the great sex they had once he returned from the trip. He continues to watch and sees her in her bikini and works out that it was filmed when he was abroad. He's confused.

Scene 2) The MC meets up with his wife who is married to Mack at some gathering (say preparations for their daughter's wedding), offers her copies of the videos he's digitizing and mentions the bikini shot. From their reactions he starts to think that Mack may have been the lover who shot the film and wonders if it was left for him to find.

Scene 3) The viewpoint switches to the wife. We're given the scenes in which she first makes love with Mack and reasons why their relationship doesn't work out. The end of the chapter switches back to MC who has found this information in her old letters and it's not clear if the proceeding section was what actually happened or if it's all in MC's imagination.

Scene 4) We get the hottub scene. The first half is told from the MC point of view. After he falls asleep, the PoV switches to the wife and she get's up to all sorts with Mack. The MC wakes up and they continue with the rest of the 'normal' evening.

Scene 5) The day of the daughter's wedding the wife makes some comment about fidelity during the speeches. This drives the MC to go off and blame her about what he thinks he's discovered in front of everyone. Then either a) he's given clear evidence that everything he think is completely wrong and she was never unfaithful, or b) she breaks down and confesses everything and either they get back together or at least Mack is driven off.

Thank you for you suggestions.