Story Feedback: "Ass Whore"

[JeffCobra2000]

Here's a link to the subject story - my second, ever. I would love feedback on the prose/writing style, and eroticism ("horny-factor" - is that a word?)

I'm new at this...particularly posting for the masses, so please go easy on me. I'm also available for discussion on YahooIM (same name there).

Here's a pointer to the story.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=292000

Thanks all!
JeffCobra2000

 

[mjl2010]

Here's a link to the subject story - my second, ever. I would love feedback on the prose/writing style, and eroticism ("horny-factor" - is that a word?)

I'm new at this...particularly posting for the masses, so please go easy on me. I'm also available for discussion on YahooIM (same name there).

Here's a pointer to the story.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=292000

Thanks all!
JeffCobra2000

Horny factor is a good word.

The story got me hard. Then I lost it. Naughty hole? Never mind I enjoyed the story. Just, you go from from so sexy. Ass-whore and then naughty hole? Ok. You got a "4" from me. I liked it.

MJL

 

[Arafura]

Hello!
I think you had some really hot images in this story, and some descriptive flair.

However, I would go through this story and delete every time you used the word "naughty" - it really adds nothing to it and actually becomes silly when used so often.

Other than that, keep writing! Good stuff.

 

[JeffCobra2000]

Thank you BOTH so much for your thoughts and comments!

I agree "naughty" is more of a "pet name" thing with "Mrs. Cobra". That story was almost a direct "extract" from a YahooIM "chat" I'd had with her while I was away on business in Houston. We were up late THAT night, as you can probably imagine.

The beauty of it is (from a personal perspective) is that when I got home the next night (and I was exhausted) the kids WERE gone, and she re-enacted what we'd chatted about perfectly. Was the first time anything like that had ever happened, meaning that I'm usually the more dominant partner. This is particularly true around anything anal, so that was the first time she'd ever taken the initiative, and she literally used my pole for HER pleasure. I sat there after just looking dumb (I'm good at that part).

To the point though, ANY time I'm a little pokey in the pants, she almost always looks at me and says "Ohhhh, you're NAUGHTY". So, I apologize for that.

Thanks once again for the excellent feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed the stories!
Jeff

 

[An Awful Cad]

had me, but..

I'm a sucker for anal stories, and especially ass whores, so naturally I checked out your story when it popped up on the "new submissions" page.

However, when I saw that it was a translation (transliteration?) of an IM chat and was in second-person perspective, I bailed without finishing. It's my quirk, although I know I'm not alone in this, that the "you" pronoun lowers the eroticism of a story by at least 50 percent. Oddly, it's harder to suspend disbelief and get into a story in this format because I know it's not me in the story, and every time I read that it is, it jars my sensibilities. Plus I'm a guy, so obviously the "you" in this story could not be me.

With that said, I did go back and read this story as well as "The Swing" and I noticed some similarities. Both were competently written "stroke" stories, which to me means that the content was almost entirely the sexual acts. You do this quite well.

I personally like more character development in my erotica. I find that what is interesting about sex is the who, what and why, rather than the how.

At any rate, please keep writing, there's a terrible dearth of ass whore stories on this site.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

all-caps

You need to change your words in all-caps to normal script. It jars the reader from the flow of the story.

Your descriptions are good, but I was expecting even more ass play. She's an "ass-whore" after all, so I was expecting sex toys, masturbation, and maybe even a double anal in there.