Story driven narrative.

[CaseyJackson]

Was wondering how people would feel about a story-driven erotica, where the sex plays a key role in the plot, but takes a back-seat (sometimes literally) to an otherwise violent revenge plot. Would you guys be into this? The second part of the specific story is pending, and you'll see exactly where it's going.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-night-to-remember-161 (First, narrative-empty chapter)

Think Natural Born Killers with BDSM.

 

[sirhugs]

Was wondering how people would feel about a story-driven erotica, where the sex plays a key role in the plot, but takes a back-seat (sometimes literally) to an otherwise violent revenge plot. Would you guys be into this? The second part of the specific story is pending, and you'll see exactly where it's going.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-night-to-remember-161 (First, narrative-empty chapter)

Think Natural Born Killers with BDSM.

I wrote one revenge tinged fuck fest turned thriller and it bombed... though the revenge was a twist, not the dominant plot and those who liked the story REALLY liked it. So if you are prepared for strong reactions, yes.

 

[Carnevil9]

I agree. It will mostly be ignored, but those looking for something different will eat it up.

If you want to compromise your art a tiny bit to pimp for more reads and good comments, add in some incest. If you want to troll for negative comments, add some cheating wife action!

 

[PennLady]

There are all kinds of readers on the site, who like all kinds of stories. Yours will be fine.

 

[CaseyJackson]

I'm afraid i may have gone about it wrong, giving no hint at a narrative in the first chapter and springing it onto the reader in the 2nd. I've made up my mind, and i'm going full on exploitation/revenge (again, think Natural Born Killers or Rolling Thunder). Thanks for the feedback, i can say that at least it's given here, much more than most sites i've visited.

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-night-to-remember-ch-02-4

Chapter 2 just so you can see how sudden the change is. I'm fully aware that this needs to be altered, but i still stand by the intense sex for an opening chapter.

 

[CaseyJackson]

sirhugs i enjoyed your story very much, by the way. Perhaps we're weird to think a good erotica has focus. If i wanted a porno without heart i'd visit xvideos

 

[sr71plt]

There are a lot of authors here claiming to write story-driven erotica (me too), so that part of what you're striving for is just fine.

 

[Trixareforkids]

All good erotica is story driven in my opinion. Reading the 1st chapter I think it's got real potential. You'd benefit from a quick light edit however. There were a couple of places with a dropped word or letter (spin instead of spine) a tense issue or two and the beginning of the anal just doesn't feel quite right, maybe you meant "she felt a sudden push" instead of a pinch? Other than that very promising.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I love reading a story that can stand on it's own without the sex. I read one titled '(his name which i forgot) lastman on earth'. I actually enjoyed the story a lot, the sex was robotic but I would read more chapters if he/she wrote more. I also read one with a logger who comes across 3 activists tied to a tree, the sex could have been more emotional, but the logger character was interesting and I would love to read another story on him as well. I think an author should write what they would enjoy, just like lit, everyone has their own tastes.

 

[CaseyJackson]

All good erotica is story driven in my opinion. Reading the 1st chapter I think it's got real potential. You'd benefit from a quick light edit however. There were a couple of places with a dropped word or letter (spin instead of spine) a tense issue or two and the beginning of the anal just doesn't feel quite right, maybe you meant "she felt a sudden push" instead of a pinch? Other than that very promising.

Yeah i'm not used to being unable to edit a submission after it's posted. Guess I got a bit too excited.

 

[sr71plt]

Yeah i'm not used to being unable to edit a submission after it's posted. Guess I got a bit too excited.

You can edit it and resubmit it. Just edit it and resubmit with "Edit" at the end of the head line and note in the Notes box that it's a substitute edit.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I just read your story and although this isn't my taste overall, I think it was good. A few things to work on, the opening paragraph used 'she' so much that I was aware of it every time you started a sentence with it and it kept me from being immersed. When she saw him for the first time, there was blood in his hair, that interested me, but it was never touched on again. When he takes his belt off, I didn't realize that he was fully dressed when they had sex. Maybe say something about hearing his zipper, so we know his pants were still on when he entered her. Also I know you said there wasn't any storytelling in this, but the story seemed complete, just a girl losing her virginity. I didn't get the feeling that there was anything more to this and the ending didn't make me interested to read any more. A little forshadowing of something more would have made me think there was more to this story.

I would probably read more because I found him to be interesting.

 

[CaseyJackson]

I just read your story and although this isn't my taste overall, I think it was good. A few things to work on, the opening paragraph used 'she' so much that I was aware of it every time you started a sentence with it and it kept me from being immersed. When she saw him for the first time, there was blood in his hair, that interested me, but it was never touched on again. When he takes his belt off, I didn't realize that he was fully dressed when they had sex. Maybe say something about hearing his zipper, so we know his pants were still on when he entered her. Also I know you said there wasn't any storytelling in this, but the story seemed complete, just a girl losing her virginity. I didn't get the feeling that there was anything more to this and the ending didn't make me interested to read any more. A little forshadowing of something more would have made me think there was more to this story.

I would probably read more because I found him to be interesting.

She hasn't been given a name yet, and won't for story purposes. She'll be one of the only women in this story. The first chapter is merely the first entry of her transformation, much how an actual sexual assault can metaphorically "break" someone, the controlled assault was meant to do the same. Agreed, foreshadowing would be good, but she expects nothing nefarious from him, aside from his dark demeanor. Thanks for the input

Also, check out the next chapter to start to learn more about her master you're on a journey in the protagonists shoes, as she watches her God toe the line between method and madness.

 

[CaseyJackson]

You can edit it and resubmit it. Just edit it and resubmit with "Edit" at the end of the head line and note in the Notes box that it's a substitute edit.

I'll bear the cross of my mistake for now. Thanks though.

 

[Iceprincess12]

She hasn't been given a name yet, and won't for story purposes. She'll be one of the only women in this story. The first chapter is merely the first entry of her transformation, much how an actual sexual assault can metaphorically "break" someone, the controlled assault was meant to do the same. Agreed, foreshadowing would be good, but she expects nothing nefarious from him, aside from his dark demeanor. Thanks for the input

Also, check out the next chapter to start to learn more about her master you're on a journey in the protagonists shoes, as she watches her God toe the line between method and madness.

The fact that it ended on a good note makes it seem like she was happy. I didn't see any transformation, other than she isn't a virgin anymore, maybe it will be more clear in ch.2?

I am good with no name being given to her, but try to change the sentence structure around a bit so it doesn't always start with 'she' and become a list of she did this and she did that.

There is a thread by someone named Lien, I just subscribed to it. He gives very detailed critiques, he is more of a professional and hhe is a writer also.

Ty for the reply!

 

[CaseyJackson]

The fact that it ended on a good note makes it seem like she was happy. I didn't see any transformation, other than she isn't a virgin anymore, maybe it will be more clear in ch.2?

I am good with no name being given to her, but try to change the sentence structure around a bit so it doesn't always start with 'she' and become a list of she did this and she did that.

There is a thread by someone named Lien, I just subscribed to it. He gives very detailed critiques, he is more of a professional and hhe is a writer also.

Ty for the reply!

She was happy. He'd physically altered her, and though there was obvious horror in the extent to which she'd been used, she'd reveled in it. This will be a common theme as he pushes her to deeper extremes. Thanks for the input, it's obvious i have to do some maintenance. Also the intro is just sloppy, i agree, as i technically started writing the story as a request for a specific person, who's details are included

 

[Iceprincess12]

I will read ch 2 this week and give some feedback if you like, but I am not a writer, just an avid reader but bsdm(is that right?) isn't my thing, so I would try to focus more on technical details, or the non sex parts of the story. Not sure if that's really what you are looking for though.

 

[CaseyJackson]

I will read ch 2 this week and give some feedback if you like, but I am not a writer, just an avid reader but bsdm(is that right?) isn't my thing, so I would try to focus more on technical details, or the non sex parts of the story. Not sure if that's really what you are looking for though.

I'd appreciate that. Would just like some broad strokes as far as criticism. Not asking for typos and such, i still have my fresh-chapter blinders on, and will catch them when i do my serious editing. The BDSM theme is only in the beginning physically, and i to think i put a unique spin on it (after the first chapter)

 

[Iceprincess12]

Ok, sounds good! I'll try to keep notes and post by Friday.

 

[Iceprincess12]

Hi Casey

I read ch. 2 and then reskimmed it a few times. I am not sure how dom/sub relationships work, but in the first story he just seemed like a guy who she made a plan with to take her virginity. In the 2nd chapter, when he said this:

"If you want to come with me, you have to do everything I say. Think of your fantasies, your elaborate stories and scenarios. Think of how much you've obsessed over them, how you plotted every detail."

When I read this it made me question why her first time wasn't one of her fantasies. This is something she had been planning for at least a year, I assume when it said she worked for over a year for this trip, this is what she wanted. I can understand her fear because it's finally real, but she seemed surprised at being tied up and having anal contact. If she was this detailed about something, wouldn't she be anticipating it?

He tells her in ch. 1 that she can't come back from this. He seems to be more of a guy that wants her to be sure, not a dom. Again, I thought dom's were about total control, he wasn't characterized this way.

She backed away, showing a smirk, and begun to unbutton her blouse. Normally her cheeks would fill with blood and her posture would become defensive. Now, though, she only felt anxiety, not embarrassment, knowing that he could turn her away at any time if he wanted

You said normally here, did she do this before with him? When she saw him for the first time in her room, I didn't get the feeling that they had seen each other before.

She'd been used every which way the night before. They'd had the kind of sex that would make a gynecologist blush

I am pretty vanilla but the sex was not kinky and I did not feel she had been used at all.

There are a lot more examples I could give, but I don't think ch. 1 sets the stage for a dom/sub relationship and when it's brought up over and over in ch.2, she doesn't seem very submissive or without question. You also bring up her needing or wanting him. I didn't get the feeling that this was that kind of relationship and when the obeying jumps to murder, I mean her reaction-she trembled? She was horrified at the sight of the shotgun, but the dead man? No reaction at all.

I'm not saying ch. 2 wasn't good, but these are not the same characters from ch. 1, so reading it I felt like you decided to abruptly change the story and how the characters act, but there wasn't any foundation for it, so it was confusing instead of believable. There needs to be a ch.1.5 to show her falling for him, or some foreshadowing in ch. 1 so this is more believable.

 

[CaseyJackson]

Hi Casey

I read ch. 2 and then reskimmed it a few times. I am not sure how dom/sub relationships work, but in the first story he just seemed like a guy who she made a plan with to take her virginity. In the 2nd chapter, when he said this:

"If you want to come with me, you have to do everything I say. Think of your fantasies, your elaborate stories and scenarios. Think of how much you've obsessed over them, how you plotted every detail."

When I read this it made me question why her first time wasn't one of her fantasies. This is something she had been planning for at least a year, I assume when it said she worked for over a year for this trip, this is what she wanted. I can understand her fear because it's finally real, but she seemed surprised at being tied up and having anal contact. If she was this detailed about something, wouldn't she be anticipating it?

He tells her in ch. 1 that she can't come back from this. He seems to be more of a guy that wants her to be sure, not a dom. Again, I thought dom's were about total control, he wasn't characterized this way.

She backed away, showing a smirk, and begun to unbutton her blouse. Normally her cheeks would fill with blood and her posture would become defensive. Now, though, she only felt anxiety, not embarrassment, knowing that he could turn her away at any time if he wanted

You said normally here, did she do this before with him? When she saw him for the first time in her room, I didn't get the feeling that they had seen each other before.

She'd been used every which way the night before. They'd had the kind of sex that would make a gynecologist blush

I am pretty vanilla but the sex was not kinky and I did not feel she had been used at all.

There are a lot more examples I could give, but I don't think ch. 1 sets the stage for a dom/sub relationship and when it's brought up over and over in ch.2, she doesn't seem very submissive or without question. You also bring up her needing or wanting him. I didn't get the feeling that this was that kind of relationship and when the obeying jumps to murder, I mean her reaction-she trembled? She was horrified at the sight of the shotgun, but the dead man? No reaction at all.

I'm not saying ch. 2 wasn't good, but these are not the same characters from ch. 1, so reading it I felt like you decided to abruptly change the story and how the characters act, but there wasn't any foundation for it, so it was confusing instead of believable. There needs to be a ch.1.5 to show her falling for him, or some foreshadowing in ch. 1 so this is more believable.

Hmm, yeah it's just sloppy looking back. I've written full length novels but never and erotica, and every decision involving actual storytelling was made post-first chapter. It's a shame, i've got my characters figured out, but obviously have some cleaning up to do first. Thanks for the help.

Ps, she didn't see the dead man, Casey made her close her eyes

Thanks

 

[Iceprincess12]

Hmm, yeah it's just sloppy looking back. I've written full length novels but never and erotica, and every decision involving actual storytelling was made post-first chapter. It's a shame, i've got my characters figured out, but obviously have some cleaning up to do first. Thanks for the help.

Ps, she didn't see the dead man, Casey made her close her eyes

Thanks

Hi Casey,

I didn't mean to suggest it was sloppy at all!! You could always make ch.2 your starting point and insert a flashback of the sex. Especially since the ch.2 characters are the ones you want to build from. It also jumps right into the action.

True her eyes were closed, but I'm pretty sure I would scream with some guys blood on me, ewww, lol!

I think my critiques may come off as really negative, I'm not trying to be, I just try to be clear so I am not misunderstood. Feel free to ban me from any more reviewing

 

[CaseyJackson]

Hi Casey,

I didn't mean to suggest it was sloppy at all!! You could always make ch.2 your starting point and insert a flashback of the sex. Especially since the ch.2 characters are the ones you want to build from. It also jumps right into the action.

True her eyes were closed, but I'm pretty sure I would scream with some guys blood on me, ewww, lol!

I think my critiques may come off as really negative, I'm not trying to be, I just try to be clear so I am not misunderstood. Feel free to ban me from any more reviewing

Oh no it's fine, i'm not saying you were too harsh, this is my own judgement her cold reaction was one more of shock, and obedience than terror. That's not bad idea about changing the line up for the sex scene. I admit the initial sex-scene was more pandering than integrity and if i want it to have a genuine narrative then i need to switch it up. For not being a writer, you give damn fine advice miss

 

[Iceprincess12]

Oh no it's fine, i'm not saying you were too harsh, this is my own judgement her cold reaction was one more of shock, and obedience than terror. That's not bad idea about changing the line up for the sex scene. I admit the initial sex-scene was more pandering than integrity and if i want it to have a genuine narrative then i need to switch it up. For not being a writer, you give damn fine advice miss

*blush*

I just love to read! Thank you!