Story Discussion Wishfulthinking Main Queue: 19-06-05

[wishfulthinking]

It seems in some way unfair that I have to follow on from Zoot’s masterpiece

I’ll be upfront about this - this story is all over the shop. The first 3 chapters dealt with a new female slave on a new world. I’m the first to admit that this is no different from the usual story (so no need to read em ) The primary goal of this chapter is to try and level the playing field between master and slave. She needs to start asserting her independence as she transitions in this chapter from slave toward equal.

My biggest problems are:

1. having a credible and not so predictable plot. All of a sudden she escapes, has the baby, then seduces him. My question is, how do I fix it?

2. Characters having little to no depth. I’m trying to develop them in this chapter and make them believable, but still not there.

3. This story will be posted in the sci-fi category. It doesn’t have many sci-fi elements that will satisfy male readers. Most of my readership is female, except for this story line, which attracts a higher number of males. Can you see ways to build these elements up without losing the general fiction readers?

Not a big ask Thanks in advance for your help.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Title: Conquered: Spoils of War Ch.03

Jolie kneeled before the pallet that rested in her tiny cell, head bowed. Her hands rested against her slightly swollen belly, the only visible evidence that she carried the King’s child. As often did, the image of her sister and her father flowed through her mind, and sadness washed over her. She longed to see her family and friends again. Jolie didn’t want her baby born on an alien planet, far removed from everything familiar and dear.

Would the King let her go when he eventually tired of her? Or would she be imprisoned in his harem forever, a forgotten plaything having to suffer the petty meanness of his favourite love slave, Liana? Hopelessness welled in her at the horrid thought.

She was drawn from her mediations by the familiar footfalls of her attendant. Her head turned and lifted. Kiara stood at the entrance to her cell, a length of shimmery violet cloth folded over her arm.

Jolie sighed inwardly. Rising gracefully, she swept her long golden mane glinting with red highlights over a bare shoulder and turned. Long used to Kiara’s way, Jolie held still as her wide, amber eyes were carefully outlined in black kohl. Golden dust was brushed over her creamy shoulders, breasts and back. Jolie silently held her arms aloft as Kiara expertly wrapped the sheer cloth around Jolie’s curves and joined it over her left shoulder with a jewelled clasp of purple gems with mysterious magenta swirls in their depths. A gold chain was looped around her hips, and her hair was clipped back from her delicate face with a series of golden clasps.

As Kiara stepped back to inspect her work, Jolie’s hands glided over her body, smoothing the cloth over the thrust of her tiny breasts and the curve of her hips. She knew the rosy tips were clearly visible where they pressed against the exquisite material, and pink stained Jolie’s cheeks at the thought of the King’s general’s interested gazes roving over her as she was escorted through the palace. Yet none would dare touch or speak to her, for the new swirling tattoo on the small of her back distinguished her from the palace slaves, affording her the protection of that afforded to the King‘s personal property.

Jolie had been on Laos for several months now, yet still she was unused to their ways. She was a princess on her own world, and treated with the upmost respect. Here, she was the personal property of the King, and it was expected of her to satisfy her master‘s every whim. Nudity and sex was not something to be hidden behind clothing and closed doors, but were to be freely exhibited and enjoyed.

Jolie knew her fate was far luckier than most. She was one of the handful of Alverdian women that had been brought to the palace rather than the wenching houses scattered around the city. Intimacy with a man was something she was unfamiliar with until her arrival here. It was the tradition on her world that upon a woman’s twentieth birthday she would chose the man to whom she wished to join hands with. Jolie was not given that choice, but had spent her twentieth birthday in an alien place at the mercy of its King. Since that time the King had joined his body with hers a handful of times, and now she carried the fruits of his lust. The knowledge both terrified and excited her.

Jolie pushed her confused thoughts to the back of her mind as Kiara led her along the wide halls of the palace. Before her the other Harem slaves fell into place, each accompanied by their attendant. Liana led the line, as was her right as the King’s favourite. Jealousy stabbed at Jolie as she brought up the rear, but she pushed it from her mind.

They eventually reached the wide, silver doors intricately carved with images of warring men and beasts that signalled the entrance to the main hall. Guards swung the doors wide, and heat swirled up over Jolie’s cheeks as a roar filled the chamber. They were to be paraded through the thong of warriors, a visual demonstration of their King’s virility and power.

A circular stage had been roped off in the centre of the chamber for the night’s entertainment. There was to be sparring that night among the prisoners. Those that had been sentenced to death for crimes they had committed were given an opportunity to redeem themselves in the eyes of the Laos gods. From the little Jolie understood, they would fight one another until the last remained. His or her victory would be seen to as blessed by the gods, and they would be given their freedom.

The chamber fell to a hush as the love slaves moved along the pathway to a curtained dais overlooking the roped off area.

Jolie felt as though a hundred pairs of eyes devoured her as the love slaves moved along the narrow path to the curtained dais overlooking the roped off area. She felt eyes moving over her pale flesh, watching the line of her thighs as she walked, the sway of her hips, the thrust of her breasts.

The love slaves moved up onto the dais, where they arranged themselves in a luscious display of colour and flesh behind the fall of gauzy curtains. There was a loud commotion as Jolie reached the first step leading up to the dais.

“Princess, Princess!” a voice cried, and Jolie halted abruptly. It took a moment for the reason to register: her native tongue. As though in her daze, her head turned as her gaze fell upon the man that fell to his knees before her. Golden hair gleamed in the light, setting him apart from the bronzed warriors of Laos. Yet the molded leather vest with silver insingia proclaimed him a Laos warrior. And then it hit her. Her world hadn’t just been conquered when Jolie had been taken captive. It didn’t end there. Her home world was being assimilated by the dominant people.

As Jolie struggled with the unwanted knowledge, hands closed around her arms, dragging her back as dozens of guards drew their swords, separating her from the man who bowed before her.

“No,” she cried, snapping out of her reverie as the man was brutally pulled to his feet, his arms pinned behind his back. “No!” She unknowingly spoke in her own language as she tried to struggle from the hands that held her. “No!” It was a penalty of death to address or touch one of the King’s love slaves, and horror raced through her.

“What is the meaning of all this?” a voice demanded angrily, and the warriors fell to their knees before their King. Only Jolie, in her distress, didn’t, and found herself tugged unceremoniously to her knees by her attendant.

“My Lord, this man dared address your Korva.”

A black eyebrow raised as he gazed down upon the unstruggling warrior. The golden haired man ignored him, his eyes locked with Jolie‘s.

“I did not address your Korva, my lord. I addressed my princess,” the man bit out the words, jaw clenched.

Arik gazed down upon the man for what seemed an age. “Take him back to the warrior’s quarters. I will deal with him later.”

“My Lord,” Jolie began, her throat dry as she watched the man led off. “What he said is true, and he can’t be held responsible for his actions. I will accept punishment on his behalf.”

Narrowed green eyes turned on Jolie for the first time. Jolie swallowed hard beneath their intensity, remembering the indignities she had suffered chained to the wall the last time she had displeased him. Remembering her place, she forced herself to murmur between bloodless lips “If - if it pleases you, my Lord.”

“Take her to my chambers. Make sure she is secured,” he addressed the warrior at his side. He abruptly turned and strode away.

It was only as she was drawn to her feet by her attendant that she realised he did not seem overly surprised at discovering she had lied about her identity, merely angry. As she was escorted from the hall, her eyes clashed with Liana’s icy ones who stood above them on the dais. Jolie could only begin to imagine the new torments the other slave would dream up.

~*~

She stood by the before archway, gazing up at the red moon, so different from the large trio of silver orbs of Alverda.

She didn’t hear the doors open, yet the prickling on the back of her neck made her aware of his presence. She couldn‘t face him, the jingling on the chain connected to the gold circlet around her throat told its own story as she anxiously awaited his decree.

“Look at me, Jolie,” he commanded.

Jolie wanted to deny him, to scream and shout at him. The indignity of finding herself chained to a bolt in the centre of the room gnawed at her frayed nerves. Yet to do as her pride demanded could cost a man his life.

Slowly she turned, and the possessiveness in those deep green eyes sent heat surging through her. He wore only black breeches and boots, and the bronzed masculinity of his muscled chest and arms took her breath away.

“You lied to me.”

Her lashes lowered to hide the emotions storming through her. He strode toward her, as though a beast stalking his prey. She backed instinctively away from him, circling a chest.

“Why did you not tell me the truth, when the opportunity arose?”

“You - you told me that you would not let the princess go, even if you found her.”

He merely raised an eyebrow. She bumped against the wooden robe, and she gazed about her seeking some form of escape.

“I - what purpose could it serve?”

She had only taken two steps before the chain pulled taut, dragging her to a halt. Her hands flew to her throat as she turned to gaze at him in growing trepidation. Anger visibly leapt from his every pore.

His hand gripped the chain, wrapping it around his wrist, and she stumbled toward him, her golden eyes wide.

“You lied to your King.”

“You are not-” the breath shuddered from her lungs as tugged on the chain, until she was a mere arms length from him.

She stood before him with her shoulders back, glaring straight ahead at his chest. Every muscle in her body strained as she refused to bend beneath the pressure of the chain. Some part of her knew that she should back down, yet her anger refused to be controlled.

“Yes, I am Princess Jolina. Yes, I didn’t tell you. Why should I? I would rather my family believe me dead than a…”

“Than a what?” he inquired softly.

Jolie ground her teeth. He knew. But he intended making her say it.

“Then knowing I was forced to whore for a man.”

His anger stole over her. “It is an honour to hold the position of a King’s love slave.” His arrogance almost took her breath away.

“Perhaps to the women born of this world who aspire to no other life. On my world, I am a free woman, with choices. Here, I am a man’s plaything, locked up and isolated. I cannot chose what I am to eat or to wear or whether I am to sleep alone or-”

Hands closed around her upper arms, dragging her up against him. His flesh burned through the thinness of the cloth, and she felt her nipples harden. Fingers caught her chin, tilting her head back.

“Understand this. You are mine, Jolie. You belong to me, princess or no. I will not let you go. I have ensured you have received every comfort, you and the babe. I have given you my protection. Are you not grateful?”

The unintentional cruelty of his words beat at her. Angry tears pricked at her.

“If it weren’t for the baby, would you let me go home?” she demanded, her luminous golden eyes locked with his. He gazed at her for what seemed an age, before his gaze dropped. fingers splayed over the gentle swell of her belly, caressing her through the gauzy cloth.

“What you ask me is impossible. You carry within your womb my first child. There is no question that your place is here, with me.”

Shock raced through her at learning that he had no other children. Surely he would have dozens scattered throughout the palace alone? He had numerous love slaves, and if his stamina was any indication, there were no lack of opportunities.

“Don’t,” she whispered as a hand reached for the clasp at her shoulder. Her fingers closed over the hand there.

“You dare refuse me?”

The incredulous note in his voice gave her the strength to push his hand away. The man was an arrogant, spoilt bastard if he expected her to ignore the chain linked to the collar around her throat and simply spread her legs. She was not a painted doll but a being with thoughts and mind of her own.

She twisted away from him, but he caught her arm, dragging her back. His head lowered as his mouth sought hers, but she turned her face. His lips caressed her cheek, before his teeth nipped her lobe warningly.

Her lashes fluttered close as his hands slid down over her hips to cup her bottom, drawing her firmly up against him. She squirmed at the feel of the burning heat pulsing against her belly, feeling the nervous anticipation fluttering there.

His heat surrounded her, the male scent of him teasing her. A whimper escaped her as he tugged on the violet sheath. The jewelled clasp bit into her as the material gave, before it went spinning across the floor.

Firm hands settled on her hips, turning her as he drew her back up against his chest. Hands glided possessively over her creamy nakedness, touching, caressing. They closed over her tender breasts, molding them to the shape of his palms. His lips closed over her bare shoulder, sucking on the tiny bead of blood. She moaned as he rolled and pinched the rosy nipples, dewy heat gathering between her thighs. She writhed and arched against him, her bottom riding the hard ridge nestled against it. She hated Arik. She hated what he had done to her, yet her body craved him with a need that was disturbing.

A shiver raced through her as his mouth nuzzled her neck, and she tipped her head to the side. His warm breath stirred the golden tendril as he bit and sucked the soft flesh. A thigh wedged itself between hers, the soft leather teasing the skin of her inner thighs. Her secret place, glistening with need, throbbed for him.

A hand slid down over her belly to cup her bare mound and she quivered. Her head rested back against his shoulder as he gently rubbed her lush pink flesh between her soft thighs. Her nails bit into her palms as she fought not to touch him as she wanted to.

“Arik,” she moaned, and he chuckled softly against her ear.

“Your body knows its master,” he murmured as his fingers probed her dewy gate. She stiffened as humiliation burned through her. She tore herself from him, intent on putting as much distance as possible between them. Yet the chain halted her flight, jerking her to a halt. She swung around, her eyes wide with a mixture of fear and anger.

“You are not my master.“ He gazed back at her, a strange look passing over his face.

Shouting outside the chamber cut through the tense silence. Arik turned and strode to the door, swinging it open.

Jolie stood there, hidden from view as Arik spoke quietly to someone. The Arik stepped out into the hall and quietly closed the door behind him. Jolie gazed at the closed door, anger warring with frustration. She wanted him, to feel the press of him inside of her after so long. And what was worse, he knew it.

~*~

Jolie rolled onto her back, waking from restful sleep. Her hand splayed across the pillows, but only cool emptiness greeted her touch. Arik had not returned, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Had whatever duty that had drawn him away been resolved, and now he languished between another love slave’s thighs?

She stiffened as a hand pressed over her mouth. “Ashta,” a voice commanded in a low pitch against her ear. Be quiet. The breath caught in Jolie’s lungs as she recognised the lyrical language of her home world.

A key turned in the tiny lock at her throat, and the gold collar fell away. She rubbed her throat as she gazed worriedly at the man crouched before her. If Arik discovered him here…

A heavy cloak was placed around her shoulders before hands slipped beneath her back and knees. “You can’t be found here. He’ll kill you,” she whispered as he lifted her from the bed. It was then that she realised there were four of them as she saw shadows move in the dark chamber. One stuck his head out through the door, then motioned to the others.

The sconces had been extinguished, casting them into darkness as they slipped from the chamber. Four bodies and her attendant lay beside each other, and the breath caught in her lungs.

“Are they…”

“Drugged.”

Relief washed through her as they moved silently through the King‘s apartment. The hallway branched off into three arms before them. A mixture of dread and hope welled inside of her. Yet if they were caught…

She was lowered to her feet, and hands gripping her arms firmly as they drew her down one of the corridors. “This way, princess.”

Her heart thundered in her chest, expecting at any moment to hear the shout of guards. Then she found herself drawn into a large chamber that was bare except for seven or eight intricately carved chests. To one side stood a chest that reached to just below her breasts, and long as it was high. One of the men opened the lid, revealing items wrapped in cloth. The three men methodically began to unpack the items, placing them carefully on the ground around them. She stood there nervously, jumping at every sound.

Hands held a wine skin to her mouth, but she shook her head. “Drink. It will be easier this way.”

Closing her eyes, she sipped at the sweet wine. He stood beside her, ensuring she drained the skin as the other men worked silently unpacking the chest. When all the items had been removed, they lifted a wooden plank, revealing a hidden compartment beneath about three hand spans in size. She shook her head desperately when she realised what they intended, the movement causing her to sway dizzily.

“It is the only way, princess. We must hide you until they come to collect it. You will be able to breathe through the holes until the chests reach Prince Trake.”

Her lips parted as she watched gold plates, jewels and small chests being removed from the padded bottom and hidden about the chamber.

“Prince Trake?” She wobbled woozily, and he caught her.

“King Arik’s younger brother. He crossed palms with your sister, Princess Kaline.”

“Oh.” A shaft of pain arrowed through her at the knowledge she didn’t know her own sister’s partner, or even whether her sister consented to the match.

Jolie was unable to resist the hands lifting her up so that her bottom rested on the edge of the chest. She clung desperately to them as she was lowered down. One man jumped in with her, guiding her onto her back and placing a soft sack by her belly. “There’s fruit and wine for when you wake.“

Trepidation welled up inside of her as they fitted a wooden plank above her. The darkness seemed to close in on her as they worked silently and efficiently filling the chest. Each thud echoed through her head as the world spun dizzily. Her fingers clung to the wooden holes as she sought to breathe.

“Please…” she whimpered. What are your names? She didn’t know if said the words aloud or merely thought them as blackness swept over her.

~*~

edited: I chopped the rest off

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's unfortunate that you chose "Laos" as the name of their world. You're aware that Laos is a country in southeast Asia? We were involved in a war there once, but that was probably before your time.

I think this story is pretty good, but long, and I might cut the chapter into pieces to give it more structure. I know you have section markers, but still, about 4/5ths of the way through, my eyes started to glaze over and I had to take a break. I'm writing this before I finished the story. I'll go back and finish it, but I wanted to give some fresh impressions.

A big part of the problem for me was that I wasn't ever sure of the main narrative thrust of the story, by which I mean, just what is Jolie's problem? What's the main issue here? Is she worried about her home world, or about having a baby, or if she's in love with Arik, or the way he treats her, or what? Without being clear on the main dramatic problem, the story seems to wander around, going here and there without a clear sense of direction and so not allowing us to know what's important and what's not. Not that she can only have one problem. She could certainly be worried about having the baby and also worried about whether she really loves Arik, but at this point (and from this chapter only, I haven't read the others) I couldn't tell you what this story is really about. Some princess love-slave having a king's baby. How she feels about that isn't at all clear to me.

I think settling n a main narrative problem would also help you clarify your characters' emotions, which also seemed very unclear to me. For example, I noticed that Jolie didn't seem to be very concerned about being pregnant with the King's child once she escaped from Arik's palace. If she's ambiguous about her feelings for Arik, wouldn't she be ambiguous about carrying his child? She seems very blasé about the whole thing.

I couldn't place Trake at all. He's the King's younger brother, but he seems to give him orders. He also seems to be very much at home on Jolie's world, even to have gone native. While Arik has all this pomp and circumstance on Laos, Trake seems to be an Arvedan good old boy. Apparently he doesn't even speak with his older brother enough to mention that Jolie is back home on Arveda, and I guess Arik never thought to mention to Trake that Jolie's his love slave. And yet Trake's wildly in love with Jolie's sister. wouldn’t she be putting pressure on Trake to make sure J is okay? Doesn't anyone talk to one another? It made the relationships very muddy and unclear to me, and so the characters were likewise.

Similarly, I didn't really understand what Jolie was up to when she returned to Arveda. She didn't seem especially worried about Arik's finding her, even though his brother was right there, and she didn't seem to be very concerned about anything. Again, I think this comes about because there's no clear focus on what the main issue of the story is. She tends to wander around quite a bit.

You're very good at this kind of genre writing, and there are some very good scenes. I thought the first scene between Arik and J was nicely done. You do tend to get tell-y though, and there are dramatic moments that aren't acted out at all but rather just told to us. There's a hell of a lot that happens in this chapter though, and I don't know how you could possibly show it all.

I'd really like to see this chapter cut in two: before the birth and after. I think I'd even omit the birth scene, since we know what's going to happen there and there's no surprise—she's going to have a baby. Well, maybe it's worth it to show that Arik really loves her.

I think that your talent at writing this kind of genre is also your main problem. I was concentrating on your question about bringing your characters to life, and it occurred to me halfway through that the main problem is that these are not real people—they're characters from a fantasy romance. They're types. Arik is the stereotypical alpha male abductor, Jolie is the stereotypical abducted princess, and the other fall into place. In other words, these are stock characters from central casting, and so they have no really human qualities. If you want to bring them to life, I suggest you re-invent them and give them human personalities.

Again, prioritizing her issues might clarify who she is, and showing us more scenes rather than telling us what happened would give us a chance to know her better. I'd also have to say, that from what I've read so far (up to the sex scene), she's a very passive heroine. Things happen to her, but she herself doesn't do anything. It's hard to reveal personality or get the reader on your side when your character's that passive.

As to how people will react to this story in sci fi, I'm not sure. I will mention that the idea of a pregnant heroine as a sex object kind of gives me the shudders. I'm just not one of those people that thinks pregnancy is erotic, and I was even worried when they gave her the drugs and locked her in that chest. Birth and eroticism are polar opposites for me, but that just might be me.

There are a lot of editing and proofing errors in here: wrong words and awkward sentences (one place I noticed where the unusual verb "skated" was used twice in close proximity), but I don't worry about those much. They're pretty easy to fix.

I think you've got the making of a very good story here, but I think things have to be clarified considerably so we know what the main conflict is about. That will give you a skeleton you can hang everything else on, and will give the story a feeling of more direction and movement.

I'll finish reading and comment some more after my Father's Day brunch. Good job so far though, if genre is what you're tryiing to do.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Having read the rest of the story now, I see the trouble you’re having with getting Jolie from a passive love slave to a take-charge princess. The change is just not believable here, as it happens seemingly without rhyme or reason.

Actually, the change seems to occur more in Arik than in Jolie, and the reader’s left wondering just what it was that turned him from such a strong and self-centered king to this rather fumbling, love-sick suitor. Was it the birth of an heir? His love for Jolie? Whatever it was, it definitely happened off camera, and all we see are the result.

In things like this where charcaters undergo major changes, I think it’s important that we see the changes, not just hear about them. I can’t really tell you what kind of scene you need, but I think you do need to let us see the change occurring.

One thing I noticed was how everyone seems to change when they get to J’s home planet. Trake is a prince on his world. Here he just seems to be hanging out. Arik is a King, the undisputed alpha male, surrounded by his warriors and his harem of love slaves. Here he seems to be just another overnight guest who carries little weight and deserves little respect. Where’s his retinue? Where’s his court and all the pomp and circumstance? Even if he comes alone of with only a small group of retainers, I’d expect some guards and an advisor or two, maybe a battle cruiser. Wouldn’t there be lavish feasts given for him by whomever’s in charge of the planet now (is it Trake?) ? Wouldn’t the garrison be quaking at the prospect of a visit from their emperor, the great and terrible Arik?

He comes across here as just anervous hubby in the delivery room, and then a doting husband. It doesn’t follow.

I would think you might play up the difference in Jolie once she becomes a mother and a Queen (by the way, I kept on wondering what had happened to the favorite concubine, back on Laos. Is she just out of the picture or wasn’t she really the favorite to start with. Does Arik really love J or does he just love her as a breeding machine?) If you want to show her growing spirit, you might have a scene where Arik is going to take the baby back to Laos with him, and Jolie refuses and shows some backbone. That might make him look twice at her, and a mother’s determination is something we all can believe in. Even weak and passive women can become tigresses when fighting for their child’s interest. You might be able to use that as a springboard to showing this rather remarkable change in her.

In any case, I think we really need a scene where we see this power exchange developing. You need to give Arik his pride back, and you have to decide how and why J changes after the baby. Then she has to stand up to Arik, the old Arik, the Arik of Laos.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Wishful,

What does the phrase "all over the shop" mean? Is that Australian? Does it mean it's not up to your usual glowing standards? If so, I agree.

This is the chapter in a nutshell, correct me if I'm wrong:

Jolie is the pregnant sex slave of King Arik, ruler of a vast stellar empire. She's also the princess of a people conquered by that king. Somehow rebels find her and rescue her, and deposit her with her sister Kaline- then just disappear. Kaline doesn't know what's happened to Jolie, therefore she didn't send the rebels. Who did? Jolie never seems to wonder, but I sure did. Next, Jolie feigns amnesia. Also, Kaline just happens to be wed to Arik's brother Trake. Handy, that. Jolie decides to hide out at a family vacation lodge, one that the family still keeps in spite of the conquest. Somewhere along the line, Arik or Trake or both figure out the princess and the pregnant slave girl are one and the same. Although Kaline sends messengers to her sister, Trake and Arik have no way of finding Jolie until Kaline herself goes upon news that her sister will give birth soon. Then the king's guards appear and take Jolie back to the kings brother instead of to the king. His brother then refuses to hand her over because of what his wife might think. So, Jolie has the baby and presumably there is some rejoicing since the women of Arik's world are sterile, but she still won't reconcile with the king. Until she can't control herself, so she goes and fucks him. Only after this, the king decides he'll take her no matter what, as if he was suddently the king or something.

I see two major issues, or perhaps one that is the result of the other.

You mentioned the characters behaving in unbelievable ways. They do, to a point where the plot is unbelievable too.

Arik and Trake are conquerors. They should act like it instead of a couple smitten high-school boys. Given the sterility problem of his world's women, why hasn't the king requisitioned a horde of fertile women from this planet and impregnated all of them? Along those lines, wouldn't the conquerors take every woman of child-bearing age and set up what amounts to baby-factories? I mean, if this is a crisis that threatens their race, drastic measures are in order, right?

As for Jolie, it is beyond me to understand how a woman in her situation could feel anything positive for her captor, no matter how handsome he is- or good in bed. If the goal is for Jolie to assert herself, I think she needs leverage. Just having her defy the king and having him acquiesce to a point isn't believable.

Perhaps the character's behavior might seem more reasonable if I knew more about them. Would I get that from reading the preceeding chapters?

Even if that's the case, I think there is another serious shortcoming to this chapter: the pace. That's what I think the main drawback is; the chapter just goes too fast for me to get in touch with the characters- to understand them or to feel their suspense.

For instance:

[Jolie] learned that her father had collapsed when Arik's men had stormed the palace. It had all been too much watching his peaceful world crumble beneath the force of the conquering invaders, and his heart had given way. Sadness washed over Jolie, but also a guilty relief at knowing he would never discover the truth of what she had become. Her father had been a gentle man, more suited to studying his favourite astronomy books than ruling his Kingdom.

How did Jolie learn? Kaline told her, right? I want to hear Kal's words and see Jolie's response. This could have been a scene where I got to know about the sisters. Instead I learned their father died and they are sad. Ok, that's believable, but how does this information change the story? What is the point in relating this to the reader?

Another:

Kaline had not fully forgiven Trake for his betrayal, and their relationship was stony and stilted. Trake's argument that he had not asked Kaline for the whereabouts of Jolie so as not to force her to betray her sister fell on deaf ears. Kaline accused him of ordering his guards to follow her every step and reporting back to him until he had discovered Jolie's {whereabouts}. She also blamed Trake for the slavery on Laos, and that how could he allow unprotected women of the world he now ruled with her to be forced to whore for men. Among other things.

This is classic telling instead of showing, right? I think that's a clear sign that the pace is just too fast.

As for the sci-fi aspect, I'm not a fan of gadget-driven sci-fi anyway. For me, the purpose of sci-fi is to explore a situation that would not exist in the world we know, or in the history that we know, either due to technolgy or society. Although a society dying due to sterility is not a new concept, it is one that doesn't fit the real world. Thus sci-fi is the genre to explore the issue, but if that's the case, it should be a driving force behind the character's thoughts and actions, not just part of a muddy subplot.

My biggest suggestion would be to slow it down, expand the scenes. Let the reader see these characters. Then maybe their actions, and the plot, won't seem quite so incredulous. Or maybe they will become so ridiculous that the solution becomes obvious. Or maybe you just need to kill off the heroine. Letting her live is passe now, or didn't you know?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Penelope Street]

Having read Doc's reply, I think he and I are in near agreement. Only one line from his review stirred me:

If Jolie is ambiguous about her feelings for Arik, wouldn't she be ambiguous about carrying his child?

Jolie knowing she carries the wrong man's baby does not necessarily lessen her feelings for the baby. At least it didn't for me. I was more depressed than I'd ever been. Angry too. And terrified. I'd rather not have been pregnant at all, but my unborn daughter was still the absolute center of my universe.

Seeing how emotional I became over this one comment underscores Jolie's lack of emotion regarding her unborn baby. Jolie's pregnancy should be a major event for her, filled with all manner of emotions, both good and bad. The reader should see them all. Doc's correct, she's blase about everything, when I'd expect her to be an emotional wreck.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[wishfulthinking]

What does the phrase "all over the shop" mean? Is that Australian?

Mess

Boring. Bugger. Eek

I've only got time for a quick read now, but I do like the thought of splitting it into 2 chapters, the first ending with the escape and adding more naughty bits. When they get this long, it is too unmanageable for me! [ie I should plot more ]

 

[Penelope Street]

I'm not sure about 'plotting more'. I'd lean toward the characters dictating the plot, rather than the opposite.

Take Care,
Penny

P.S. I'll be leaving on a ten-day trip Tuesday , so I may not be able to partcipate in this discussion after today . I'll try and catch up when I get back if I'm not too busy. Have fun without me!

 

[Pure]

bump!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I think Penny's synopsis of the chapter is very good and points out most of the problems right there. That was a slick way of doing it. You've really got enough material here for 3-4 chapters.

I just wanted to point out that I didn't mean Jolie would be ambiguous about whether she should be carrying Arik's child, rather that she would have confused feelings about what it meant regarding her and her child's future: would she become hostage to her child's destiny and be forced to live on Laos forever; would her child be taken from her and raised as a ruler, things like that. She just seems too content and passive about the whole thing.

I was reading the sex, which I skipped the first time (it's terrible how I do this with Lit stories now, skipping the sex entirely). I thought it was good in that romantic kind of way, but I noticed one paragraph where "thighs" is used in like 3 sentences in a row. It jumped out at me.

Anyhow, as to your specific questions: how do you pull off that escape/childbirth/seduction...

Off the top of my head, what came to me was it might be nice if Arik came looking for her alone, not as a king, but as a man (or whatever he is). You've got a major disconnect anyhow when he goes from Master of the Universe or whatever he is to a worried hubby on Arveda. If you could pull off some King-as-commoner thing that's not too hokey, you could set the stage for some nice interpersonal stuff when he discovers Jolie and is there for the birth of their child. Maybe he just rushes to Arveda when he learns that's where J is before he can assemble his retinue? I don't know, just a thought.

As for stressing the Sci Fi aspects, I really don't see how you're gong to be able to do that. This really isn't sci fi, it's medieval romance using planets instead of kingdoms. I mean, this is a place where women are still chained to the floor and people live in palaces. Jazzing it up with lasers and death rays would just be hokey. It's kind of late to do some anthropological stuff, and you've already overlooked the fact that Arik and Jolie would probably not even be the same species (or were they? It wasn't clear from this), but are still able to mate and produce offspring. I think I'd just give up on the scifi crowd and play it as costume drama.

 

[drlust]

More of the same, I fear

Hi:

Once upon a time in my life I devoured this sort of thing. I didn't care much who wrote it--if it was SciFi, I would read it. I have no idea how many years it's been since I stopped reading work like this, but reading your story carried me back to those days...a kind of transporter down memory lane as it were.

I wish I had something really original to offer beyond what Dr. M and Penny have already said, but I think they've really hit on the central issue...there is just too much here that is unbelievable. Not unbelievable from the standpoint of SciFi, but from the standpoint of plot progression.

Here's what I liked:

1. The opening sequence I thought was very good (although you used curtain a few too many times), especially the sequence where the loveslaves are being led into the chamber. I could see it in my mind and imagine J's unhappiness at being paraded. I got the distinct impressions that the Laotians were bad ass mother's, a group of guys "going medieval" on other planets and then reveling in the captured slaves, especially the wenches. This works as a device.

2. The scene between J and A is likewise a winner. He's the baddest of the bad asses and she ought to had him, but, well, against her better judgement, she's very turned on by him. This riff on the Stockholm Sydrome works for me and you've drawn the tension between them well. So there's a plot line--J. trying to deal with the fact that she hates him, but boy does she want him...and she's going to have his baby. But would it really be possible for her not to know that the Laotians were barren? Do we really think the loveslaves wouldn't have gossiped about this? If I were rewriting this, I'd have her no it, which would just increase her inner conflict. Not only does she hate him/want him and is having his baby, but she's about to save his goddamn race. This can give her serious inner conflict about her baby. She loves the baby to be, because it's her baby after all. But it's also a sign that the badasses who conquered her planet can be saved from their impending doom by...wait for it...her (and a few thousand other women from her planet). Talk about your tragic irony...

Then you lost me.

Like Dr. M and Penny, I'm very troubled by Arik turning into such a snivelling dope on her home planet. Wasn't he just the baddest of the badasses? I concur with all the plot incosistencies already mentioned--lack of communication with Tarik, etc., etc. Methinks that the Arik we meet at the beginning of the story would have showed up, sword in hand and lopped off a few heads to get the mother of his race back. All this part of the story needs some serious cleaning up.

Then you got me back, sort of. The sex scene was very good. But I was left scratching my head at the size differences between them. I sure would have like to have heard something about that earlier on. If these are really two races--one big, one smaller--cross breeding, that's interesting. Will, for instance, her new baby be a mule? Also, in the first scene between them, I got the distinct impression they were the same size. But I'd play up the race differences. This is something the SciFi crowd will find appealing I think.

Small quibbles:

1. You wrote “She was one of the handful of Alverdian women that had been brought to the palace…” The correct usage is “Alverdian women <I>who</I> had been brought…” Similarly, “Those that had been sentenced…” should be “Those who had been sentenced…”

They were paraded “through the thong of warriors”…a Freudian slip, perhaps?

All the best,

Allan

 

[Boxlicker101]

Wishful Thinking:
Title: Conquered: Spoils of War Ch.03

Jolie kneeled before the pallet that rested in her tiny cell, head bowed. Her hands rested against her slightly swollen belly, the only visible evidence that she carried the King’s child. As often did, the image of her sister and her father flowed through her mind, and sadness washed over her. She longed to see her family and friends again. Jolie didn’t want her baby born on an alien planet, far removed from everything familiar and dear.

Boxlicker: Rather than using the same word twice like that, you can say something like …on the floor in her tiny…

WT: …brushed over her creamy shoulders, breasts and back. Jolie silently held her arms aloft as Kiara expertly wrapped the sheer cloth around Jolie’s curves and joined it over her left shoulder with a jewelled clasp of purple gems with mysterious magenta swirls in their depths. A gold chain was looped around her hips, and her hair was clipped back from her delicate face with a series of golden clasps.

BL: Rather than repeating her name, use the pronoun “her”. This is a rather run-on sentence and it might work better without the description of the clasp. Some would say you have too much description in this para also.

WT: Jolie had been on Laos for several months now, yet still she was unused to their ways. She was a princess on her own world, and treated with the upmost respect. Here, she was the personal property of the King, and it was expected of her to satisfy her master‘s every whim. Nudity and sex was not something to be hidden behind clothing and closed doors, but were to be freely exhibited and enjoyed.

BL: Some of these sentences are a bit awkward. How about …yet she was still unused…On her own world, she was a princess…but here she was the… Nudity and sex were not things…”

WT: Jolie knew her fate was far luckier than most. She was one of the handful of Alverdian women that had been brought to the palace rather than the wenching houses scattered around the city. …

BL: Her fate is not luckier. She is. In the middle of the para., how about …the man with whom she wished to join hands. In the last sentence, change from “a handful of times” to “a few times.”

WT: A circular stage had been roped off in the centre of the chamber for the night’s entertainment. There was to be sparring that night among the prisoners. Those that had been sentenced to death for crimes they had committed were given an opportunity to redeem themselves in the eyes of the Laos gods. From the little Jolie understood, they would fight one another until the last remained. His or her victory would be seen to as blessed by the gods, and they would be given their freedom.

WT: The chamber fell to a hush as the love slaves moved along the pathway to a curtained dais overlooking the roped off area.

Jolie felt as though a hundred pairs of eyes devoured her as the love slaves moved along the narrow path to the curtained dais overlooking the roped off area. She felt eyes moving over her pale flesh, watching the line of her thighs as she walked, the sway of her hips, the thrust of her breasts.

The love slaves moved up onto the dais, where they arranged themselves in a luscious display of colour and flesh behind the fall of gauzy curtains. There was a loud commotion as Jolie reached the first step leading up to the dais.

BL: In these three para. you are repeating phrases too often, such as “love slaves” and “curtained dais.” If her breasts were tiny, as you said earlier, they wouldn’t thrust.

WT: He merely raised an eyebrow. She bumped against the wooden robe, and she gazed about her seeking some form of escape.

BL: Drop those two pronouns. I’m puzzled as to why her identity was not known. Was this covered in a previous chapter? Otherwise, the conquerors would have known, from the circumstances of her capture of photos or something.

WT: His anger stole over her. “It is an honour to hold the position of a King’s love slave.” His arrogance almost took her breath away.

BL: Why “stole over her”?

WT: “Understand this. You are mine, Jolie. You belong to me, princess or no. I will not let you go. I have ensured you have received every comfort, you and the babe. I have given you my protection. Are you not grateful?”

BL: She sleeps on a pallet in a tiny cell. What kind of “every comfort” is that.

WT: She twisted away from him, but he caught her arm, dragging her back. His head lowered as his mouth sought hers, but she turned her face. His lips caressed her cheek, before his teeth nipped her lobe warningly.

BL: This is a clumsy sentence. Why not: “He lowered his head, his mouth seeking hers, but…..

WT: A shiver raced through her as his mouth nuzzled her neck, and she tipped her head to the side. His warm breath stirred the golden tendril as he bit and sucked the soft flesh. A thigh wedged itself between hers, the soft leather teasing the skin of her inner thighs. Her secret place, glistening with need, throbbed for him.

BL: Say “leg” instead of repeating the same word.

~*~

WT: Jolie rolled onto her back, waking from restful sleep. Her hand splayed across the pillows, but only cool emptiness greeted her touch. Arik had not returned, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Had whatever duty that had drawn him away been resolved, and now he languished between another love slave’s thighs?

There is no explanation of the transition. How did she get into the king’s bed? Maybe I will see the explanation soon.

WT: The sconces had been extinguished, casting them into darkness as they slipped from the chamber. Four bodies and her attendant lay beside each other, and the breath caught in her lungs.

“Are they…”

“Drugged.”

BL: I find it hard to believe they wouldn’t have just killed these people. The rescuers would think of them as kidnappers and have no mercy. How did they drug them anyhow? At least they would be dragged into the room out of sight.

WT: “Prince Trake?” She wobbled woozily, and he caught her.

“King Arik’s younger brother. He crossed palms with your sister, Princess Kaline.”

“Oh.” A shaft of pain arrowed through her at the knowledge she didn’t know her own sister’s partner, or even whether her sister consented to the match.

BL: Why would they trust Prince Trake? If he’s committing treason against the king, that doesn’t make him very trustworthy.

WT: She didn’t know how long she stood there lost in her own world before she sensed she was not alone. She gazed to her left as another come to stand beside her on the balcony edge. A familiar bronze profile met her, and fear shot through her. A split second passed before her body knew he wasn’t Arik. He turned to gaze down at her, revealing a face that was a disconcerting copy of his brother’s, only younger softer somehow. The lips were different, fuller, and there was something about the shape of his eyes.

“Kal has slept by your side every night since your return.”

Jolie turned back to gaze over her home world as she struggled to control her emotions. She wrapped her arms around her middle in an unconsciously defensive gesture. What right did this man have to call her sister by her beloved nickname?

BL: I would expect “Kal” to be a normal nickname for somebody named “Kaline” just as “Jolie” would be a normal nickname for somebody named “Jolina”. Because this is a story of interplanetary war and intrigue, “lost in her own thoughts” might work better.

~*~

WT: Seemingly some things had remained much the same, while others had changed drastically. The fragile peace on Alverda was aided by the proclamation that Kaline’s and Trake‘s first child would become heir to the throne, rather than the conqueror‘s assuming the crown and slaying those of the royal family. Until such time, the council had the authority to make decisions and laws across the land. The council was made up of an uneasy mixture of Alverdians and Laos warriors. Thing’s had stabilised to a certain extent, but there was still so much uncertainty with the rebels. They hid in the mountains, causing as much trouble as possible in their cause to overthrow the conquerors.

BL: If Kaline is the eldest of the dead king’s offspring, why would she just not become queen, at least as a satrap? Why wait twenty or so years until the offspring grows up? Why would warriors be on the council? I would expect high ranking officers to be there.

WT: “Jolie, you don‘t have to answer if you don‘t want to, but the mark on your lower back…it’s the same as Trake‘s insignia.”

BL: Surely, she would know what Trake’s insignia meant and would recognize it on her sister. Even so, I find it hard to believe that a prince and a slave would be marked the same.

WT: She walked through the archways to the circular haven overlooking Alverda.

BL: It wouldn’t overlook the whole planet. It might overlook the city. Is the name of the city the same as the name of the planet?

WT: It was from Kaline that Jolie had learnt of problems facing Laos. Their females of had not produced a babe in over fifteen years, forcing their King to conquer new worlds in the search for a compatible race before theirs became a dying one. Kaline confided that there finally seemed a reason for renewed hope, as it was whispered that one of the King’s new concubines was breeding. Learning this instilled a deep fear in Jolie. Should Arik find her, would he force her to become a breeding whore for him and his warriors?

BL: This answers the question of why Arik has no offspring but it brings up another one. When they know that Jolie is pregnant with the offspring of the knig, why not abduct all the young women to serve as breeding stock. Certainly Jolie would not be the only one who was compatible.

WT: While Kaline did not understand Jolie’s need to disappear, she accepted her decision for now, thinking it was merely time Jolie needed. It was Kaline’s idea to re-open the winter lodge with a elderly couple loyal all their years to the royal family, and to slowly replenish its stocks without it being traceable by the palace’s accounting clerk in an effort to placate Jolie. With Kaline’s help, a story was concocted that Jolie was to stay with friends in the lakes district to recover from her unspoken ordeal.

BL: Why are they doing this? Is it some kind of a plan to aid the rebels? If they are just giving a princess a place to stay and rerst, why be so secretive?

WT: Kaline still did not know about the baby, but Jolie suspected on some level she had sensed it and merely respected Jolie‘s silence. Kaline’s instinctive and unquestioning loyalty meant everything to Jolie.

BL: If Kaline is the hereditary ruler, she would be far more suspicious of Jolie, especially after seeing the tattoo that connected her to the royalty of Laos.

WT: The winter lodge was a tiny two story stone house nestled in the mountains. It was a hidden retreat for the royal family, although it had been left unused since her mother’s death. It was there that Jolie began to regain some sense of security and independence.

BL: A two story house is not tiny.

WT: Jolie heard her sister’s livid shouts nearby as Jolie was lifted into one of the waiting carriages, and her heart felt as though a fist squeezed it as the curtains parted. Kiara knelt before her, her face stony. Jolie refused to speak to her throughout the ride, struggling to blink back helpless tears.

BL: A carriage? In the day of interplanetary travel? C’mon now. A helicopter, maybe.

WT: She was immediately brought before Trake when they reached the palace. He turned at her entrance, his eyes skating over her thin gown to rest on her swollen belly then raising to her pale face. He dismissed the guards with a wave of his hand. .
Unknown to her, her lush femininity and ripeness stole Arik’s breath away where he stood behind the throne. He felt himself harden as his eyes feasted on the glorious sight of her. Her long, golden mane tumbled in silky ropes over her creamy shoulders and breasts. Her rosy nipples strained against the filmy material that his hands itched to strip from her. Her skin glowed as though bathed in moonlight, her golden amber eyes luminous, her pink lips begging to be plundered. She whimpered, her hand pressed against her rippling belly and Arik felt his feet moving of their own will.

BL: First, why is Arik hiding behind the throne? He is the king and should be on the throne, with his brother beside him. Second, I can’t believe he would get horny at the sight of a woman in an advanced state of pregnancy. Protective, maybe, or things like that, but horny?

WT: Arik felt as though a hand had plunged into his chest and squeezed his heart every time Jolie’s screams tore through the palace. It was the longest night and day of his life as he paced back and forth before her chamber. Every time the door opened his heart lurched, but it was only a servant racing from the chamber to get more cloths, more water, more something. Trake stood by the door, for Kaline never left Jolie’s side. He knew Kaline had not spoken to Trake since discovering he had broken her trust when Arik’s men had followed her, yet it was too much for Arik to deal with right now. All that mattered was Jolie. He had done this to her, and he prayed that his babe didn’t kill her. Every time he closed his eyes he imagined the babe tearing through her tiny body.

BL: I find it hard to believe they don’t have more advanced methods than this.

WT: Arik leaned against the railing, looking over the beautiful world of Alverda. The green valleys, and large placid lakes that reflected the trio of suns, surrounded by the sweep of majestic mountains capped in white was in deep contrast to his own.

BL: Can you really see that much from the balcony?

WT: She also blamed Trake for the slavery on Laos, and that how could he allow unprotected women of the world he now ruled with her to be forced to whore for men. Among other things.

BL: “and asked” or “and wanted to know”. Is this something new that just started? Because it wasn’t going on before.

WT: Arik had at first believed she had escaped, only to fall into the hands of a slaver who kept her a prisoner of their brutish desires. He knew the odds were against finding her would be slim, for had he been in the slavers place, he would do everything in his power to never let her go. Each night he had woken from a nightmare worse than the last, imagining what the butchers were doing to his tiny love slave. She was innocent of the way of men, and the thought of her at the mercy of their brutal desires seemed to pierce him like a knife slicing through his heart.

BL: I can’t believe anybody would be dumb enough to do what the king fears. They would have seen the tattoo and would know who she was and would return her for the reward. Nobody would risk the king’s wrath by doing anything else. I’m still puzzled about this because Trake was the one responsible for her removal from Laos.

WT: The day his brother’s missive reached him with news of Kaline’s sister surprise return and possible links to the rebels, had left him weeping. He had swiftly handed the reins over to his youngest brother while he went in search of his erstwhile love slave. Only Trake had refused to ask Kaline directly, because he did not wish to hear her lie. Arik had been forced to cool his heels, a feeling he had been unfamiliar with, and heartily disliked. A feeling he was now growing familiar with.

BL: This is a confusing para. I don’t know what you are trying to say.

WT: “Let me get this right. Not only did you take a Princess of Alverda as your love slave, you branded her with your insignia and chained her to the floor of your private chambers.”

BL: He didn’t know at the time that she was a princess. Jolie had been bought at the slave market for that purpose.


WT: Jolie paced the balcony, feeling claustrophobic. Her private chambers spanned most of the west wing, yet still she was itching to break free of her chambers. She knew it was her own stubbornness that kept her there. Kaline had told her that Trake refused to permit Arik to take her back to Laos without Jolie giving consent. Yet it wasn’t the fear that he would kidnap Jolie that kept her close to the privacy of her own chambers. It was fear that one glance at him would have her begging him to take her in his arms and kiss her. Knowing he was so close gnawed at her, and she spent the nights tossing and turning between feedings, wishing for the familiar warmth of his body next to hers.

BL: In the second sentence, you use “chambers” twice. Replace the first with “quarters.”

WT: He went to speak, then something caught his eye over her shoulder. She turned, and the breath caught in her lungs. Trake, forgotten, swiftly departed.

“Jolie,” he murmured, his dark green eyes moving intently over her face. “You are well?”

BL: You didn’t mention that it was Arik. I had to figure it out, and a reader shouldn’t have to.

WT: “Being a harem slave is only second to a Queen. You were never a whore.”

BL: I don’t think anybody could believe that, not even an extreme male chauvinist. She was kept in a cell, for Pete’s sake, and chained to the floor.

WT: She was a princess, and she would use him. She would make him her slave for the night, forcing him to pleasure her, then she would leave. Her eyes drifted up over the planes of his chest, the broad shoulders, to the slumbering face. Her heart stilled to find twin green eyes resting on her face, as if silently waiting.

BL: If his eyes were open and there was enough light to see they were green, he would have seen her and made some response. He is a king; I can’t imagine him just lying there until she gives him orders.

WT: He rubbed himself against her, sliding in her slick slit and making her arch against him. His mouth released hers, searching lower as his fingers sought the clasp of her necklet.

BL: Try to avoid that alliteration.

WT: A finger stroked the melting flesh between her spread thighs, teasing her until small whimpers escaped her. His mouth latched on to the other nipple, licking the creamy milk spilling from her. She clung to the back of the armoire as she gave herself up to his exploration, feeling his finger press against her dewy gate.

BL: In the last para., didn’t he already have his cock in her? That’s what it sounded like.

WT: She screamed as his tongue pushed up inside of her, turning to whimpering cries as it thrust up inside of her. Her fingers gripped the bedhead as orgasm hit, her whole body arching.

BL: You are repeating the same phrase.




WT: His arm fell from his eyes to discover her straddling his thighs. Dear Gods, she would kill him. Her hands smoothed up and down along his thighs and hips as she gazed down at him. He swallowed hard as her head lowered, and her tongue flicked out to touch him lightly before disappearing. His whole body clenched as he forced himself to remain still and not scare her.

BL: You didn’t describe how they got into this position.

WT: his belly until it closed over the silken part of him, gripping him firmly. Her mouth slid lower, and he bucked as she licked at the globes nestled between his thighs.

BL: The silken part of him?

WT: He had never gone so long without a love slave to see to his needs, and he forced himself to keep his control under tight rein. Even slick from her orgasms she was tight, her body so much smaller and tinier than that of the women of his world. The feel of her scalding heat gripping his cock was exquisite, and it took all of his willpower not to tumble her onto her back and pound himself inside of her until he spilled his seed into her quivering warmth.

BL: This was not the first time he had sex with her. He would have known all this before.



BL: I found it very hard to believe that, in the scene where she is in the king’s bedchamber, chained to the floor, she would have been so turned on by brutality and anger.

I find it hard to accept “Laos” as the name of the planet. It is a nation on Earth. Why not come up with something else?

If Jolie was sold in a slave auction, I find it an incredible coincidence that she happened to end up a love slave for the king.

If the people who brought Jolie back home were working for Trake, they would have told him of their success.

How did Kaline find out about the pregnancy?

There is a huge anomaly here. The peoples in the story, especially Laos, have interplanetary travel. Otherwise, things seem to back in the dark ages. I don’t mean the war, I mean the weapons, the transportation, the childbirthing methods, the institution of slavery, and other things.

Why is the baby always called “the babe?”

I found so many typos and misspellings and grammatical errors I soon stopped listing them but there is a PM that details those before I stopped. This needs extensive proofreading, not by spellcheck, and editing. Frequently you have sentences or paragraphs where you use the same word repeatedly. This sometimes gets to be distracting, even when it is a common word like “him”.

I am puzzled about Trake. If it was at his incitement that Jolie was taken from Laos, why did he know nothing about it? If it was not his doing, whose was it? It had to be somebody who knew his or her way around the Alverdian palace.

This is Sci Fi, allright but it seems strange that apparent barbarians would have interstellar flight.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Thanks a lot, guys!

The biggest problem seems Arik’s change from ruler to wimp. I going to chop it into 2 chapters, but in doing so I will have to decide whether he comes after her as a ruler or a lover, and the story seems to call for as Dr Lust puts it “showed up, sword in hand and lopped off a few heads to get the mother of his race back” and stick to that stereotype.

I also need to do something with Jolie - Dr M is right when she seems to have no direction, and that her feelings aren’t clear seem a big part of this (but doesn’t mean I’ll kill her off )

BL: carriage - I couldn’t think of the word I wanted - what is it that they used in Portugal in the 1500-1600s? I want something like that! I can picture it, but can’t think of the word.

I’ve thought about changing Laos by resubmitting the earlier chapters with a new name for the world, but don’t know if this will confuse people if they come across a new name.

This story is meant to be stroke (I started it out this way) and I shouldn’t be making it what it’s not. I’m tying myself up in knots with the world that seems more educated has less technology, and the world where they are running around with swords has space transportation! I even mention the word ‘factory’ in the first chapter, which thankfully no readers have pointed out.

Technically speaking, I repeat words over and over and over. And I’m tell-y. And I use he and she a lot. But I can’t seem to kick the bloody habit. There are some words I prefer to use - eg, thigh sounds more sensual to me than leg, strode sounds more purposeful than walking etc Yesss, I am getting the thesaurus out!

Again, big thanks. This clanker is going back to the drawing board for a while!



PS sorry I took so long to reply. I've just had another story posted this week and it got a bit of a bashing, so I didn't really want to look at the SDC!

 

[Bacteriophage68]

ทำงานเร็ว: ความเร็วรอบของ

และกีต้าร์รุ่นใหม่อย่าง, ห้องโดยสารที่ดูจะเหมาะสมกับคนเพียง นั่งกระชับและดูดีด้วย ให้ไปดูวิธีแก้ไขที่นี่ นอกนั้นขอ ผลการค้นหาหน้าที่

 

[Boxlicker101]

และกีต้าร์รุ่นใหม่อย่าง, ห้องโดยสารที่ดูจะเหมาะสมกับคนเพียง นั่งกระชับและดูดีด้วย ให้ไปดูวิธีแก้ไขที่นี่ นอกนั้นขอ ผลการค้นหาหน้าที่

I hope you followed that advice, WT

 

[wishfulthinking]

I hope you followed that advice, WT

I'm taking notes!

Bloody hell, I wish I were that good at reviewing, let alone constructing sentences of utter simplicity but full of hidden meaning!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

WT--

Do a Search & Replace to change "Laos" to "Loas" and I'll bet no one will notice.

I think Penny's right in that the reason you have those tell-y parts is simply because you have so much information you have to cram into here. In one chapter you cover something like a year's time, an escape from a slave planet, J's emotional return to her home world, a maturation and birth, J's emergence as a person, her taming of Arik, and his seduction; not to mention the considerable backstory of Trake's marriage to her sister and all that implies (and that is a pretty complicated little relationship). For most of us, that's an entire novel right there, and even split into two chapters that's a hefty slice of plot.

So I would say that more plotting is the last thig you need. What you really need is to develop and explore what you've already got.

Breaking the chapter in two around the birth (or, actually, picking up at Arik's arrival on Arveda) seems natural and will certainly help Plus, the beginning of a chapter is the natural place to put in all that tell-y kind of stuff, filling the reader in on what happened while he "was away".

I was thinking about this story (more fun than thinking about my own), and I kept on thinking about how I'd like to know more about Trake. I actually think he's more interesting to me than Arik; possibly the most interesting character in the story. Trake's position is so much more tricky and ambiguous, I imagine he'd have to be a fairly sophisticated and interesting character to bring it off. He's torn between his alleigance to his brother and his love for L. his loyalty to Laos and his new love for Arveda. There are things he does in the story that I don't understand, and whenever J runs into him, I don’t know whether I should be relieved or worried. That makes him something of a mystery to me and a rather fascinating character.

I'm wondering if Box was right when he assumed that Trake was behind her kidnapping. If you implied that, I must have missed it, but after I read Box's comment,. I started playing with that idea. Why would Trake do something like that?

For what it's worth, and following S. King's dictum that plots are unearthed rather than assembled, I wondered if maybe you could have him plotting to overthrow Arik. An overthrow would be easy enough to do. Once he lures Arik to Arveda by kidnapping his favorite love slave, he just has to have his men jump Arik's when they land on Arveda, destroy their ships, and jet back to Laos with his retinue where he can claim the throne, leaving Arik stranded on Arveda with J and her baby. Now you'd have time to make Arik as docile and domestic as you'd want, as he has nothing to do but turn his attention to Jolie.

Okay, don't stop me, I'm on a roll here… Arik, knowing his brother's mind, knows that Trake will return with a fleet to scoop up all the women of Arveda for transportation to Laos, so in the time he has with J, he organizes the docile Arvedans into an army of resistance with Jolie as their battle queen and springs a trap on the unsuspecting Laotians when they arrive…

I think I need a pill. I'm getting a bit carried away.

But I do wonder what's going to happen after this chapter. In my experience with Abduction stories like this (and at heart, that's what this is), once the abducted and abductor fall in love, the plot loses most of its impetus—the story's essentially over, and all that's left is the happy-ever-after ending. What's left for Arik and Jolie and their baby?

Maybe you have something else in mind, in which case ignore all this stuff.

You do owe us an an explanation of why the people of so advanced a world as Arveda choose to live in a kind of faux-middle ages. Whether it's a carriage or a 16th century Portugese coach, it still isn’t up the the current level of their technology (I would think) Or was Arveda meant to be a world whose level of technology hadn't advanced beyond that when they were invaded by Laos? Was this explained in an eariler chapter?

Anyhow, that's enough spouting off. Six cups of coffee on a Sunday monring and I get like that.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I thought that the kidnappers or rescuers were sent by Trake because of this passage:

Closing her eyes, she sipped at the sweet wine. He stood beside her, ensuring she drained the skin as the other men worked silently unpacking the chest. When all the items had been removed, they lifted a wooden plank, revealing a hidden compartment beneath about three hand spans in size. She shook her head desperately when she realised what they intended, the movement causing her to sway dizzily.

“It is the only way, princess. We must hide you until they come to collect it. You will be able to breathe through the holes until the chests reach Prince Trake.”

Her lips parted as she watched gold plates, jewels and small chests being removed from the padded bottom and hidden about the chamber.

Since she suddenly appeared in her own bed, it had to be somebody who was very much a palace insider, which was why I was so puzzled at his seeming ignorance of her return.

 

[wishfulthinking]

My bad. More of Trake's stuff was being shipped to Alverda, so they put her in it to go undetected. Trake had nothing to do with it, and now I see where BL got it, I'll change it. Or maybe not, I like to keep my readers guessing!

Arik left Trake in charge of Alverda, and Trake 'married' whatshername as part of that. I wanted to play up the fact that Trake's loyalties were splitting, and it was no longer a black and white that had he found out Jolie was pregnant, he would have sent her straight back.

I'll do that about the name change!

I was going to be lazy and do a chapter of CSOW from whatshernames view (in about a years time), because as soon as I post a chapter even remotely referring to them, readers will start demanding to know about them. I got caught on another story like that, and it is a bitch.

But now I'll send the rough draft to Dr M, order up some expresso, and let him have at it. Then off to BL for proofing!

To date - I'll end the first chapter at the part where she escapes. I'm changing the slant of the first part and expanding the scene with the chain to the floor. Arik is going to do the macho thing.

Thanks guys

 

[Penelope Street]

Wishful,

Why are you writing this story? I get the impression your heart is not really in it, nor your passion. Am I wrong?

Penny

 

[wishfulthinking]

I'm just frustrated that the characters aren't doing what they are supposed to

I really like this story line even though it began out as strictly stroke, and was miffed when my usual readers didn't like it! But now I get a lot of requests to finish it. I think I wanted too much too soon out of this story, and am going back to simple. I'm almost finished the first chapter. I'm thinking about changing the second chapter to perhaps have Trake in charge of Alverda and no ties with her sister, and making him a rival to Arik. Don't know if that will work yet. But again, I need to uncomplicate it and give it more direction.

 

[wishfulthinking]

Ch.04 has been posted: http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=272962&page=submissions

The rest is still under consideration!