Story Discussion, Wishfulthinking, 3/13/05, main queue

[wishfulthinking]

Hi guys,

This is the second chapter to a story I wrote a year ago. The first chapter was written very quickly and with no thought to plot development [nothing new], making this chapter VERY hard to write, and at times it seems disjointed.

As it is a second chapter, there are threads raised in it to be [ideally] a hook, and dealt with in a subsequent chapter. However, I don’t want these to over shadow this chapter, and irritate readers into the bargain. And I would like this to be a standalone chapter as much as it can be.

I’m not going to point out everything I think is wrong with it, I trust you guys to find those and more! I will say that I have a few weaknesses evident in all of my stories which will become glaringly obvious, such as weak female characters, and the ability to write rambling sentences that make no sense, that I would like tips on.

Where I want this story to end up: I want a darkish vampire tale about obsession and sex. Yeah, this is no literary feat and simply smut .

Cheers, WT

 

[wishfulthinking]

The Story...

Title: Vampire Seduction Ch.2
Description: She is helpless against his wicked immortality

Kate worked slowly, stacking tins of canned peaches neatly on the shelves. Each movement made her conscious of the pull between her legs where the stranger had taken her, pushing his hard flesh deep inside of her.

She worked in an isle by herself, something for which she was grateful. She had been late to work, earning a blasting from the boss’s son, and having to make up the time on the late shift. As much as she hated the job, the hours were good and she needed the money.

She continued to work, fighting off the feelings of disorientation and detachment that tried to overwhelm her. It was as though she were looking at everything through a thick cloud, making the world seem fuzzy and distanced.

Yet the memory of him, of feeling him on top of her, moving inside of her, only seemed to grow. Her nipples tightened against the starchy cotton shirt with it’s tiny row buttons down the front, and a trickle of moisture seeped between her thighs.

“Stop it,” she told herself, squeezing her eyes shut. Her secret place seemed to pulse with a life and energy of its own, as though the mere thought of him turned her into a shameless wanton who wanted nothing more than to spread her legs for the dark stranger.

When she had woken that morning, drowsy and disorientated, the scent of him enveloped her where she lay in a tangle of sheets, reminding her that he was no dream. Yet on some level she still had to convince herself that he was real. That what they had done was real. No longer was he a figment of her imagination, walking through her dreams and leaving her aching and breathless when she woke. He was inescapable yet unexplainable. Intangible, yet real flesh and blood.

It was only when she stared at herself in the mirror in the bathroom that morning, did the horror of what had shared her dreams and her bed begin to dawn. Heart racing, her shaky fingers brushed over the tiny pin prick wounds on the side of her neck, over her heart and surrounding her tender rosy nipple.

“Kate, stop day-dreaming, and get back to work!”

Kate jumped, a can falling from her hand to plonk on the grey lino floor.

“You stupid idiot! Now we can’t sell it at full price because you put a dent in it! You brainless-”

Kate stared at Joe with wide eyes before turning back to the shelf, tuning out the rest of his rant. Joe was barely thirty, but looked closer to forty with his belly hanging over his belt, and his round face pale and fleshy like uncooked dough.

She ignored him and continued to pack the shelves as though in a dream like state. Eventually the words stopped, and she was vaguely conscious of him simply standing there, watching her.

As she reached down to open a new carton, she realised he was still there, and her wide violet eyes flickered to his. A strange expression filled his face, as though he had never seen her before.

She was unaware of the way in which her porcelain skin glowed as though moonlight danced over it, the way her wide violet eyes looked like chips of amethyst and her soft lips like crushed roses. Sparks of gold shot through her long dark blonde hair caught back in a pony tail and hung down her back in a silky rope. Her scratchy uniform of white shirt and pleated navy skirt seemed to cling to her curve of her bottom and hips and tiny waist and the thrust of her tiny breasts that jingled enticingly with her movements as though it were cut from expensive cloth.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she muttered and brushed passed him. She felt as though eyes followed her every movement as she quickly made her way to the staff restroom. Once she glanced up, and caught sight of one of the storemen staring at her intently.

When Kate reached the restroom, she locked the door and took a steadying breath. What was wrong with everyone? Was there a sign stuck to her forehead that read ‘A stranger took my virginity, and I think he was a vampire?’

With shaky fingers she withdrew her lip gloss from her top pocket and applied it to her lips as she gazed at herself in the mirror. Two large violet eyes gazed back at her, seeming to dominate her pale, heart-shaped face. Unable to look at herself any longer, she put the lid back on the tube and turned.

And gave a squeak of surprise as she bumped into what seemed like a brick wall. Two large hands captured her tiny waist and steadied her, and a familiar heady masculine scent filled her nostrils.

As she struggled to free herself, his hands only tightened on her waist, and she felt the hard edge of the basin nudging against her bottom as she was wedged against it by the press of his firm body.

“Good evening, Katalina,” he murmured against her ear, his warm breath making her flesh goose pimple and her nipples tighten impossibly.

“Leave me alone,” she whispered, pushing against his chest. He brushed back a stray tendril and gently lifted her chin with a finger. She found herself gazing up at him helplessly.

His eyes dropped to her mouth, and she moistened her lips nervously. Her heart thundered in her chest, and her legs trembled.

“What do you want?” she breathed.

“Do I need to remind you?” he murmured silkily as his head lowered and brushed his lips softly against the corner of her mouth.

Her knees buckled, and her vision wavered. Her fingers clutched at his shoulders.

“How - how did you get in here?”

“You smell like violets.” His lips brushed over her brow, her cheeks. His hands slid up to capture her breasts, molding the tiny handfuls to the shape of his palms.

“I - I don‘t even know your name,” she choked out desperately as his thigh wedged itself between hers, pressing insistently against the dewy heat of her. She was helpless over the thrall he held her in, her palms flat against his chest, her heart racing.

“Names hold power, little one,” he murmured as his lips trailed over the side of her neck. “What reward will you give to me if I gave that power to you?”

She felt as though his words wore completely insensible, yet at the same time entirely rational. Her lashes fluttered close as his tongue circled the tiny twin prick points on the side of her neck, overwhelmed by the power and sensuality of him.

“What would you like?” she murmured breathlessly as he gently pinched her taut nipples, her back arching. Had she really said that?

“Ah,” he murmured, lips twitching as they brushed hers. “I forget how young and innocent you are. To ask me what I would like is to invite the devil to do his worst.”

“Are you the devil?” She knew she should feel alarm at this line of questioning, but she was in awe of his magnificence and strength, drowning in the deep green pools.

He chuckled softly, drawing a finger down the side of her face. “Ah, no, little one. Disappointed?”

She shook her head truthfully.

He chuckled softly. “Do you trust me?” he queried as she felt fingers trail up her inner thigh. Barely a heartbeat passed before she shook her head again. His lips twitched. “You are wise.”

She trembled as he traced circles on her inner thigh, his piercing green eyes locked with hers. Her lips parted as his thumb lightly stroked the lacy trim of her panties.

She knew she should be fighting him. He had touched and caressed her while she dreamed, stealing her innocence and showing her exquisite pleasure from his possession. Yet she felt wrapped in his power, his sensuality, unable to resist, unable to look away, the soft pulsing flesh between her thighs melting for his touch.

She whimpered as fingers slipped beneath the sides of her cotton panties, stroking her with tantalising softness. Tingles of heat flared between her thighs, and she offered no resistance as he slowly eased her panties down her hips. Cool air swirled between her thighs as he drew her panties lower, tugging them to her knees before letting them go.

As they pooled around her ankles he kissed her. She clung to him as she felt his tongue touch hers, her breasts crushed against his chest. She whimpered against his mouth as his finger teased the entrance of her dewy gate before sliding up inside of her.

Her nails dug into his shoulders as it began to glide up inside of her, caressing her tight pussy walls until she was writhing on his hand.

“Please…” she cried, feeling the tension coil unbearably between her thighs, her back arching.

She whimpered as his mouth left hers, and before she had even opened her eyes she felt his finger ease from her body.

She gazed at him in surprise as he stood before her, dark green eyes intent, her torn panties in his hand.

She blushed as she realised what he had done, remembering that fleeting moment when she had felt something pull against her ankles before her eyes had adjusted to the light.

“Give them back,” she whispered heatedly, trying to calm her hectic breathing. “I have to work.”

He merely gave her a lopsided smile before turning and pushing open the door and walking away from her.

“Soon you will come to me, Katalina. Soon.”

She gazed after him long after he had disappeared from view, her heart racing.

“Luc,” she tried experimentally. She frowned in confusion when she realised he hadn’t actually spoken the words aloud.

~*~

Kate tugged her jacket closer around her as she walked down the poorly lit street. She felt extremely conscious of feeling bare and slippery beneath her skirt, and again heat washed over her face.

He was a stranger. A possible serial rapist with a fetish for virgins and blood. Yet the mere thought of him made her secret place pulse and turn her resistance to mush.

As she turned the corner and headed down the lane toward her home, she felt a sense of anticipation and dread tighten her belly. It was inevitable that he would come to her while she slept. She knew she couldn’t stop him from taking what he wanted. Her resistance as he stole her virginity had shown her that, only to find herself lost in the spell of dark sensuality he had woven around them as he relentlessly took her over and over until dawn.

She shivered, and wrapped her arms around her middle. Could she be pregnant? Horror raced through her and her legs felt wobbly. She could barely support herself and her drunkard of a father as it was. The pension he received from the police force when he had been forced to retire when a pub brawl ended in a beer bottle being smashed against his spine, was a pittance.

Lost in thought, she was unprepared for when two women, barely a year or two older than Kate‘s eighteen, materialised before her out of the darkness. One giggled behind her hand, and Kate’s wide blue eyes flew to her face. She was petite with perfect features, like a tiny, exquisite Japanese doll. Her black hair was caught up in pigtails with furry pink scrunchies. Both girls were dressed almost identically, with tight mid-drift tops and plaid pleated skirts with thick belts around their tiny hips and knee high boots.

They appeared harmless, yet the tiny hairs on the back of her neck began to prickle.

The girl giggled again, and Kate caught a flash of teeth. Blaming her vivid imagination, Kate nevertheless began to slowly move backwards, her heart racing.

Fear pulsed through her, and before she blinked, the two girls surrounded her, their curious hands reaching up, touch her hair and skin, gazing in to her wide eyes, feeling the cloth of her skirt.

“What do you want?” Kate demanded, trying to push hands away as they reached for the buttons of her shirt.

Pale, slender fingers gripped her wrist in a crushing grip, bringing tears to Kate’s eyes. Her free hand grabbed the front of Kate’s shirt and yanked down hard, sending the buttons bouncing over the road.

“I can smell him on her,” the second women murmured from behind her. Kate stiffened as hands settled on her hips as a silky tongue licked the back of her neck. She hadn’t even seem the girl move.

“Stop,” Kate cried, trying to cover her breasts with one hand and she tried to tug her other wrist free. Despite the slightness of their stature, their strength was incredible, giving no quarter.

Kate watched the dark eyes slide down over her exposed breasts with their rosy tips. “He’s marked her,” the other replied, tracing the four tiny bruises surrounding her jutting nipple and the puncture marks over her heart. “Mistress won’t be pleased.”

As the fingers slid down to the waistband of her skirt, Kate began to struggle in earnest. “No!”

She saw the girl’s eyes widen, with fear?, and her grip relax as she gazed at something over Kate’s shoulder. Kate turned, her eyes widening in relief as she saw Luc, his face cast in shadow.

Dragging her gaze from his, she gazed about her, realising the women had vanished.

Kate gazed desperately about the empty street, unable to meet Luc’s eyes as she tried to comprehend what had happened.

“You are not crazy, little one. Things are not what they seem.”

She sensed rather than heard him move closer.

“Don’t touch me,” she pleaded, darting in the direction of her house on trembling legs as she sought the safety of the front porch light.

She gave a muffled scream as she bounced off his broad chest. He stood before her, his palms closing around her upper arms, the expression in his eyes starting little fires between her thighs.

“What do you want from me?” she breathed. The moment he touched her, her resistance began to melt and everything but the thought of him kissing her flew from her mind.

“Don‘t you know?” he murmured silkily as his head lowered to hers, blocking out the street. “I want you. Body and soul. Forever.”

At the last moment some last shred of self preservation made her turn her head, and his lips caressed her cheek.

“Your will is strong. It makes things interesting,” he murmured as fingers gripped her chin and turned her face back to his. “But then I knew this from the first moment I saw you.”

“What - are you?” she asked, losing herself in those bottomless green pools.

“Anything you want me to be.”

She knew she should be fighting him. He was a monster. He had raped her, and made her want him. She still wanted him. She drew on these feelings as she sought to fight him.

“Leave me alone,” she pleaded, before his lips slanted over hers. His fingers curled around the nape of her of her neck as his lips ground against hers, and she melted against him, her hands gripping the lapels of his black coat.

With each stab of his tongue she felt a corresponding throb between her thighs, as though tiny tongues of fire licked at her, consuming her, until everything began to grow dark.

“No,” she cried, struggling weakly, yet this time he let her go. She backed away, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand as she gazed upon him accusingly.

“Do you not enjoy the things I do to your innocent little body?” he enquired silkily, advancing on her. “The way I lick and nibble your tender breasts, the way I fill the honeyed channel between your soft thighs, the-”

“Stop it!” she cried, and turning around, she ran the distance to her house. The wind whipped at her hair, and she heard his voice in her head as she searched frantically for her keys.

“You are mine, Katalina. The sooner you realise it and stop fighting me, the easier it will be.”

“No!” she whispered fiercely as she shoved the key into the lock, and it was as though he stood at her shoulder as his warm laughter teased her ears.

Kate pushed at the door desperately and forced it shut against the rush of wind that threatened to tear it from her grip.

She leaned against the door, her trembling fingers searching and finding the deadlock, turning it with resounding force. There was no comfort in instinctively knowing that had it been his will, the lock would not have keep him from her.

The words he had whispered in her ear as his body had possessed her the previous night came back to haunt her. “Soon you will be mine, Katalina. Body and soul, completely and forever."

She squeezed her eyes shut as fear warred with need. Because she could no longer deny that while the mere thought of him terrified her, he reached out to something buried deep inside of her, setting it free.

Clutching the torn edges of her shirt together, she quietly crossed the hallway and paused in the doorway to the lounge. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her father slumped on the sofa, snoring, a beer still clutched in his hand. Quietly she raced up the stairs and to the seclusion of her room.

He didn’t come to her that night, and she didn’t know if what she felt was relief.
Yet her dreams were full of him, the silky mane as dark as pitch, the emerald green eyes that saw down to the deepest, darkest place of her, haunting her, the play of muscle beneath the satiny skin.

She tossed and turned, and woke with a jerk at the sound of giggling, only to discover her father standing at the foot of her bed.

She hastily tugged the sheets up under her arms as she struggled into a sitting position, her heart hammering.

“Why did you leave me, Beth?” he mumbled. “Why did you go to him?”

Kate froze. Her mother had died when Kate was four, and she could barely remember her except for the memory of soft cuddles and the scent of roses.

“Him? Who are you talking about?” she demanded as he shuffled out of her room, never looking back.

Even as Kate tried to get comfortable, she knew she wouldn’t get any more sleep that night.

~*~

Luc didn’t come again in the nights that followed, and Kate often caught herself gazing about her as she worked, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. She knew she should be relieved that a sex fiend with a fetish for blood left her alone, but she felt empty, as though a huge part of her were missing.

Had he simply tired of her, or was he waiting for her to come to him? She didn’t even know where to begin looking for him. In fact, she new next to nothing about him. What if she never saw him again?

And why did that thought trouble her so much?

She was going crazy. Her thoughts were consumed by him, her body ached for him.

“Stop it,” she told herself. She tried to put all thoughts of him out of her mind as she worked, packing shelves, overly conscious of the stares she received. She put the attention down to her over active imagination.

When she arrived home that night, her father wasn’t on the sofa watching TV. She made her way up the stairs, and as she came to the landing, her heart began to pound at the discovery that the door to her room was wide open and the light was on.

She halted abruptly in the entrance, disgust curling in her stomach at the sight of her father sprawled unconscious on the bed. Her room was a shambles, her drawers emptied onto the carpet, and clothing and shoes and toiletries were everywhere.

Angry tears welled in her eyes as she saw the only picture she had of her mother lay in his lax hand, and she eased it from him and smoothed down the crumpled edges.

“Pig. Why couldn’t you be like other fathers?” she demanded of the unconscious bulk, but he didn’t so much as stir. His greying hair was greasy and his clothes wrinkled and stained. The smell of beer and cigarettes assailed her nostrils.

Gathering up a clean t-shirt and panties and a pillow that had fallen on the floor, she backed out of her room and headed for the bathroom and locked the door.

She stood beneath the shower for what felt an age, letting the tears flow as warm water streamed down over her curves, easing the angry turmoil burning inside of her.

She slowly soaped her body, pausing over her slick breasts with their tight rosy buds. Her lips parted as she remembered the feel of his hands and mouth on her, caressing her, tormenting her until the burning need between her thighs overwhelmed her. She turned off the taps abruptly. “Stop it,” she ordered herself.

She reached for her towel and quickly dried herself off before tugging on panties and t-shirt that reached her hips. She grabbed her pillow and headed downstairs, switching off lights as she went. She bedded down on the sofa, wiggling until she was as comfortable as she was going to get and lay on her back gazing up into darkness.

She must have fallen asleep, because she woke with a start, unable to breath. Blinding light hit her eyes as she struggled with the bulky weight pressing her down into the sofa, feeling hands sliding up under her t-shirt.

“Stop it, stop it!” she cried, pushing at the hands, but her father was deaf to her cries, a glazed, unfocused look in his eyes.

“Beth,” he mumbled, and she tensed beneath him as his hand closed over her bare breast, squeezing almost painfully.

“Get off me,” she urged, panting as she pushed against his chest, a sickening dread welling in her belly as she felt him pressing against her thigh. “It’s me, Kate.”

He stilled for a moment, the glazed look clearing slightly as he gazed down at her sprawled beneath him. “Slut. Just like her.”

It was several moments before she realised he was tugging at her flimsy panties, yanking them down over her hips.

Her struggles began anew, her nails digging into his arms as she tried to force him off of her. His thick legs lay across hers like tree trunks, preventing her from kicking him as his hand wedged between her thighs. “Luc! Lucien!” she cried desperately as she fought her father.

The breath caught in her throat as cold air rushed up over her skin, leaving tiny icicles in its wake as a menacing growl filled the room. The light bulb shattered, and thin shards of glass sliced the skin of her arm.

She heard her father grunt as his weight was wrenched off her. Moonlight filtered in through the windows, showing the menacing shadow that towered over her father.

The sight of Luc holding her father a foot off the ground by the throat made her heart pound. Her father was a large, bulky man, yet Luc didn’t even seem to strain as he held him out before him.

“Luc!” she whispered, and slowly his head turned to gaze at her, the expression on his face sending a tremor of fear racing through her. “Please don’t,” she whispered through numb lips as his fingers flexed around her father’s throat.

His gaze locked with hers as he seemed to fight an internal war for control. “He has hurt you, Katalina. For that he must pay.”

The breathe caught in her throat at the look of death in his eyes.

“Please don’t kill him,” she whispered, never taking her eyes from his.

“You would plead for his life, after what he has done to you?”

“He’s my father. He’s all that I have.”

“You have me,” he said arrogantly.

“Please, Luc, I’ll do anything, just don’t hurt him.”

He seemed to consider her words for what seemed an eternity as her father kicked uselessly as his face turned a deep shade of red. “You will come with me, now?”

“Yes,” she cried. “Yes,” she said again, more softly this time.

“So be it.” He nodded, and released her father with deliberate slowness. Her father crumbled to the ground, his fingers grasping at his throat as he lay on his back, the breath wheezing into his lungs.

As Luc strode toward her intently, Kate only began to realise what she had done. Had she saved her father’s life, only to forfeit her own? His words echoed through her. “Body and soul. Forever”.

She didn’t struggle as his hands slid up her arms, drawing her up against him as his head lowered. A tremour raced through her as his lips settled over the side of her neck. The world shifted as heat washed over her, and every hair stood on end. All conscious thought was lost to her as his tongue traced over the twin tiny puncture marks. The wounds reopened as blood beaded on her creamy skin, and his tongue swept over her, savouring the taste of her.

Her lashes lowered as her head tilted, and slowly thought returned to her as she spied the cut on his hand where he held her upper arm.

“You’re bleeding,” she murmured, frowning, and realised the glass must have cut him too. Without thought, she lifted his hand to her mouth.

Her tongue darted out, gently licking the tiny cut, feeling the sharp, tanginess of his blood slide over her tongue. Intrigued, her lips closed over his skin, and she lightly sucked on the tiny cut, feeling a heady sensation wash over her.

He stiffened in her grasp, and her questioning eyes rose to his.

She blushed at the heat in his gaze, stumbling back and dropping his hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”

“Don’t you?” he asked her seriously, and she was unable to look away from the swirling green depths.

His hand lifted, sliding along her jaw to tangle in her mane, winding the silkiness around his fingers.

“I’m not like you,” she murmured. “I don’t-”

“You’re more like me than you know. My kind have been attracted to your kind for centuries. Your blood sings for us, like the sweetest wine, the richest chocolate.”

“My kind?”

“Human’s have long lost the supernatural capabilities they once possessed, through the intermingling of blood and race, and through the persecution of witches. Yet some powerful blood lines continue undiminished through the centuries, passed down from mother to daughter.”

“Are you saying I am some sort of witch?” she asked incredulously, and his lips twitched.

“Are you ready to believe me if I say yes?” he asked.

Silence stretched as she simply looked at him, really looked at him, without the preconceptions and beliefs she had grown up with. His cold, terrifying beauty and sensuality struck her full force, washing over her in dark, powerful waves and almost bringing her to her knees. Midnight black hair brushed his shoulders and framing a finely chiselled face, as though carved from moonlit ivory, and as handsome as a fallen angel.

She tore her gaze from his, her heart racing, and noticed her surroundings for the first time. They stood in the centre of a large, circular stone room dominated by a enormous bed with rich, vibrant silk throws in burgundies, blacks, chocolates and golds.

“You are a vampire, aren’t you?” she whispered softly, her violet eyes returning and searching his, unable to deny the truth to herself any longer. He smiled wolfishly.

She fainted.

~*~

Kate felt soft and warm as fingers coaxed the tingling nub between her thighs to life. Her thighs trembled as they were eased further apart, her hips arching as a finger stole up deep inside the melting channel at her core.

The blood raced through her as a tongue lashed out, swirling around her nub, and her nipples ached for the same attention.

Tension twisted between her thighs, coiling tighter and tighter as the tongue delved between her melting folds, seeking out and capturing every last drop of moisture.

She panted and writhed between the hands that held her wide apart and open to the exploring hands and mouth that tormented her.

She whimpered as her whole body arched, tensing as eddies of ecstasy rippled through her, light flickered behind her closed eyelids as the tongue pushed up inside of her pulsing heat.

She cried out as the frenzy between her thighs shattered into a million pieces, pleasure tearing through her as the devilish tongue thrust deep inside of her.

She lay limp on the bed, her lashes flickering open as blood coursed through her veins like molten lava as she tried to catch her breath.

Slowly she became aware of the intent green eyes watching her, and she blushed, her hands covering her breasts as she struggled to close her thighs against him.

“No,” she whispered as he planted his hands on either side of her waist as he climbed up over her where she lay sprawled on the bed before him, her golden mane a cloud beneath her. Her gaze dropped to the long, hard flesh rising from the nest of black curls between his thighs before flicking away.

“It is a little late to say no, little one. Your body cannot lie.”

A shudder raced through her as his head dipped, his tongue tracing the line of her exposed throat until it came to probe the racing beat at it’s base.

She felt weak, flooded with pleasure, yet the horrifying thought of becoming a vampire gave her strength. She pushed at his shoulders and he shifted his weight to lay alongside of her, his head propped on his hand.

She scrambled off the bed, knowing that she did so only because he allowed her. She felt his gaze lick over her thighs and bottom, and the long fall of her mane spilling down her back. Heat stole up her cheeks as she bent and retrieved a silk throw as modestly as she could without exposing too much of the glistening pink flesh peeking between her thighs, and wrapped it around her before she turned to finally face him, her hand flat across her breasts.

His lips twitched as his eyes rose to lock with hers. “Your shyness is redundant, Katalina. I have touched and tasted every inch of your delightful little body.” He rose from the bed with a grace that took her breath away, and her disobedient eyes skated down over the finely muscled length of him, her lips parting as they came to rest upon the intimidating length of him.

She backed away as he strode toward her, his green eyes locked on her expressive pink face.

She bumped against the cool stone wall, feeling like a cornered rabbit as he planted his palms on the wall on either side of her shoulders.

“Those two Japanese women, they were vampires too, weren’t they?” she asked breathily, desperately seeking to distract him. She knew that the moment he touched her that she would be lost.

“Forget them,” he murmured as he captured her hand where it lay protectively across her breasts and pinned it against the wall above her head. His thumb stroked the pulse that fluttered madly there at his closeness. “They can’t hurt you here.“

Two fingers slipped down between the valley of her breasts and tugged on her makeshift sarong. The silk slipped, revealing a creamy breast with its rosy crown to his interested gaze. A masculine chuckle escaped him as the nipple tightened and puckered beneath his gaze, and heat stole up her cheeks, all thoughts of the other vampires vanishing from her mind.

“Are you wet for me?” he inquired silkily, tugging harder on the silk until it parted with a soft sigh and floated to the ground at their feet. Fingers trailed down between the valley of her breasts and over the gentle swell of her belly, sending tingles racing over her skin.

Her free hand caught his wrist, fear and desire swirling in her violet depths. She felt the resistance as he sought to delve lower, and strength surged through her as her fingers held him flat against her belly. By the flash of surprise across his face, she knew it wasn’t completely because he allowed her to hold him there

Amused green eyes rose to connect with hers as the tips of his fingers caressed the silky skin just above her golden thatch, making her thighs quiver. “Your strength is growing, little one. Soon you will come fully into your powers as my human companion.”

His hand slipped playfully from hers, sliding down to cup her inner thigh. A whimper escaped her as his thumb skated over her pouting pink lips, her lashes fluttering close.

He head dipped, his lips brushing her smooth shoulder as he explored the dewy folds between her thighs. His tongue traced whorls over the side of her neck, and she felt her body go lax at the inevitability of his sensual bite.

“Here?” he murmured as he gently nibbled on the sensitive flesh. Some devil made her shake her head, and he chuckled. Her lips parted on an uneven gasp as a finger lazily circled the sensitive nub nestled between her thighs.

The hand pinning hers against the wall glided down her arm, tickling her underarm before coming to rest a tantalising inch beneath the creamy swell of her breast. His mouth leisurely trailed down over her collarbone, tormenting her with the knowledge of what was to come. She whimpered as his seductive mouth closed over a straining nipple, sucking on the tight bud with a force that sent quivers shooting between her thighs.

“Here, then?” he enquired, releasing a glistening nipple and capturing its neglected mate. The gentle sucking sensation tugged at her secret place, and her hands spread over the stone wall as she struggled to keep her hands from reaching out and exploring that part of him that so intrigued her. She would not give in…

She moaned as his teeth sunk into the tender flesh surrounding her nipple the same moment as a finger thrust up inside of her. The pain soon melded with the pleasure as her whole body arched against, her fingers sinking into his black mane desperately. She felt him harden impossibly against her thigh as he drew on her blood, and her body throbbed around the invading digit, wanting, needing him there, filling her.

“Luc,” she moaned as fire coursed through her veins. Her melting channel pulsed as another finger thrust up inside of her as his mouth suckled her tender nipple. Everything but the feel of his mouth on her and his fingers working between her thighs was lost to her as she bucked and writhed against him.

She cried out as the intensity of her orgasm consumed her, feeling her vision dim around the edges as wave upon wave of pleasure lapped at her.

The world went dizzy as she felt herself lifted over his shoulder, his fingers splayed possessive over her bottom as he strode toward the bed.

Gently he eased her down onto her back on the bed before him, and her thighs parting of their own accord as he moved over her, his thighs settling between hers forcing them even wider.

Her hair lay like golden ribbons about her as she gazed up at him with heavy eyes, and the expression on his face took her breath away.

A dark fire consumed those mesmerising eyes as he gazed silently down at her for eons, before slowly dipping his head.

Her hands smoothed over his hips and back as his mouth closed over hers. Some part of her knew she should be shocked at the taste her own blood on his mouth, but she was beyond caring as her lips parted beneath his.

She whimpered as she felt him probing at her dewy gate, seeking admittance. All resistance had fled from her as he eased his thick, hard length up inside of her with devastating slowness. She arched, straining to take all of him in as he surged deeper, inch by inch, forcing her tight walls to yield to his possession as he sunk to the hilt in her molten heat.

Her fingers dug into his shoulders as she adjusted to the fullness of him stretching her, her breath coming in tiny pants as he gazed down into her wide, violet eyes. She moaned as he slowly began to move inside of her with long, powerful thrusts, and her long legs wrapped around him as she clung to him, her body rising to meet his.

Blood thrummed through her veins as her moved above and inside of her with slow possession, so different from when he had stolen into her bed and seduced her of her virginity with a skill and speed that had left her confused and unable to resist him.

Her nails sunk into his bottom, urging him on, the exquisite friction of him driving up deep inside of her driving her into a frenzy of need.

His harsh breathing stirred the damp tendrils clinging to her skin as he rocked inside of her with a gentleness that bordered on torture.

She whimpered in frustration, the tension between her thighs never abating as he surged between her thighs. “Luc,” she groaned, and he chuckled against her ear as slowly he worked himself in her honeyed channel.

She thumped her fists against his shoulders, yet still he took her at a leisurely pace. “Bastard,” she moaned, pushing at him, forcing him over onto his back as she rose over him.

She straddled him, her long golden mane spilling down over her shoulders, her violet eyes dark with desire as she gazed down at him.

She brushed back her mane, shaking her head and letting the ends caress his thighs. His eyes were drawn to the twin handfuls that carried the mark of his possession as they jingled tantalisingly before him.

A small smiled curved her lips as the breath shuddered from his lungs as she began to move on him, with more enthusiasm then skill.

His hand gripped her hips, guiding her, as she rode him. His hands slid higher, up over her glistening body to capture her tender breasts, pinching and rolling the rosy tips as she lifted and ground herself against him.

She took her deep inside of her with growing confidence, her young body clenching down tightly on his thick length as she circled her hips, and drawing moans from both of them.

Her nails raked down his chest as she quivered on top of him, her head thrown back, her breath coming in short, uneven pants. Pleasure fluttered between her thighs, fanning out in waves in growing intensity as he toyed with her breasts.

Luc groaned, his control undone by the innocent virago that rode him to her pleasure. His hands gripped her hips as he forced her beneath him and with barely a hesitation drove himself into her with fierce thrusts, his teeth sinking into her neck.

Her lips parted on a silent scream as her tight walls clenched around him as she rippled and shuddered as she lost herself in dark pleasure.

Her nails scoured his back, drawing blood as his hips slammed against hers. He threw his head back with a cry as he spilled deep into her molten heat with jerking thrusts, unable to hold out against the force of her climax.

He collapsed against her, his tongue licking at her tiny neck wound as slowly their breathing eased. He rolled onto his back, taking her with him, his arms wrapped possessively around her.

She lay there, the sweep of her lashes resting against her creamy check as his hand stroked through her golden mane.

“You are mine, Katalina, body and soul,” he murmured, pressing a kiss against her hair. “I will never let you go.”

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I think it’s pretty good. There’s some stuff I don’t understand and some other stuff that I think could be clarified, but it’s moody and atmospheric and looks like it’s setting the stage for more interesting things to come.

I must say that the single-sentence paragraphs drove me batty though. Maybe it’s just me, but when I read too many short paragraphs like this, I start to feel like I’m reading a ticker tape or a news dispatch. They make the story seem jerky and disconnected and somehow simplified, as if it’s impossible to maintain one scene or idea for more than a line or two. I’d like to know what other people think about it though, because, as I said, it might just be me.

The main problem I had with this story is figuring out what Kate’s relationship to Luc is, as she sees it. I mean, sometimes it seems like she knows he’s a vampire, and other times she seems to think he might be a serial rapist with a taste for blood. She flips back and forth between the two, and yet it never seems like she’s confused about it. She’s upset that she was raped, but she doesn’t seem especially shocked or horrified that her rapist might be one of the Living Dead. She seems to take her assault by the two women outside her house in stride, and she seems strangely oblivious to what all this might mean.

The attack in the bathroom is another example. I just couldn’t get a handle on how she felt about seeing him there. Yes, she was startled, but as I understand it, this is the man (or whatever) who raped her last night, and now she stands there and lets him put his finger inside her and steal her panties ( a strangely high-schoolish thing for a vampire to do, I thought). I think I know what you’re trying to get at: that she’s conflicted and unable to resist his power, but I don’t think that quite comes across. Again, she seems to vacilate between wanting him and not.

Is this what you mean about your female characters being “weak”? Because I don’t think that it’s a matter of them being weak especially (meaning not strong), but more of one of kind of being weakly realized. I’m going to make a wild, unsubstantiated guess that you’re a visual writer and you write what you see in your mind’s eye, and you do that very well. You handle the broad and obvious emotions like far and anger well too. But when you have to deal with something more ambiguous or nuanced, you tend to skip over that or give it short shrift, so Kate’s conflict comes out seeming like indecision and flip-flopping

I think what has to be done is to really put yourself into Kate’s shoes and figure out what she’s feeling when she sees this guy in the bathroom, or when the women attack her on the street. Follow her through from start to finish: the fear and adrenalin of being accosted in the bathroom, being overwhelmed by his magnetism, her final bewilderment when he leaves. Anyway, that’s just a suggestion.

I haven’t read part 1 of course, so I don’t know what this exotic vampire sees in an 18 year-old grocery clerk, but I trust that’s explained somewhere else. I was pretty surprised that her boss would call her a “stupid idiot” for dropping a can and denting it. That seemed kind of harsh to me.

There are a lot of trivial mistakes in here. I made note of some of them, so I’d might as well point them out:


Her scratchy uniform of white shirt and pleated navy skirt seemed to cling to her curve of her bottom and hips and tiny waist and the thrust of her tiny breasts that jingled enticingly with her movements as though it were cut from expensive cloth.

might be better written as:

“Her scratchy uniform of white shirt and pleated navy skirt seemed to cling to her curve of her bottom and hips and tiny waist as though it were cut from expensive cloth, and the thrust of her tiny breasts jingled enticingly with her movements.”

Incidently, the word “jingle” is used twice to describe her breasts. I thought it an odd choice, since it usually describes things that make a sound.

The beginning of that paragraph, by the way, is this:

She was unaware of the way in which her porcelain skin glowed as though moonlight danced over it, the way her wide violet eyes looked like chips of amethyst and her soft lips like crushed roses. Sparks of gold shot through her long dark blonde hair caught back in a pony tail and hung down her back in a silky rope.

I was quite unprepared for this vivid imagery, and wondered if mabe something had suddenly happened to her, as if she were turning into a vampire. Or does she always look this good. If so, why wasn’t she aware of it?

Anyhow, after this rather poetic passage, the very next line is:

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she muttered and brushed passed

Talk about a mood-killer!

Then, She felt extremely conscious of feeling bare and slippery beneath her skirt, and again heat washed over her face. She feels she’s feeling.

Likewise: exquisite friction of him driving up deep inside of her driving her into a frenzy of need.. Double use of “driving”.

Luc’s voice is twice described adverbially as “silkily”. This is such an unusual and difficult word that it jumped out at me both times.

But my main siggestions on this piece would be to see what you can do about those very short paragraphs at the start, and try and straighten out Kate’s feelings about what’s going on with her.

Other than that, I think it’s quite good.

Oh, one more thing. I hate it when anyone calls a woman, “Little one.” I see it a lot in BDSM and it always sets my teeth on edge. That’s just me though. I know there are a lot of people who like it.

---dr.M.

 

[Penelope Street]

I want a darkish vampire tale about obsession and sex. Yeah, this is no literary feat and simply smut

Given this goal, I guess I have to rate the work a failure; I liked the story much better than the sex.

Perhaps reading part one might have helped in this regard. I didn't see the story as 'darkish' either. With phrases like "deep inside the melting channel" and "eddies of ecstasy rippled through her", the style may be a little too whimsical to be foreboding.

... such as weak female characters...

Yes, but which females need to be stronger? Vampires of lore have powers that make mortals weak, thus I have no problem whatsoever with Kate's acquiescence. I like the way the two female vampires examine Kate and discuss her in some ways as if she isn't there, but I think they need to say more. Lot's more. Maybe discuss what they should do before they take her to see the mistress. Doing something besides ripping a shirt might be good too. That they vanish when Luc appears makes me think they are no contest for him. This pair must be a little stronger and more threatening before I worry about Kate- otherwise I expect Luc will always show up and save her.

Kate does seem a little blase about the whole vampire thing. Although one could consider this part of his charming power, even so it lessens the tension. Then again, these vampires strike me as the type that might hand out "Be Nice to Me I Gave Blood Today" stickers with their bites, so maybe she has no reason to fret. I did like that you gave a reason for Luc to be attracted to her from among all the young ladies of the world.

I had mixed feelings about the father character. He is a reasonable heel, but as such his presence gives her little reason to want to remain in her present life instead of going with Luc.

... the ability to write rambling sentences that make no sense, that I would like tips on.

The sentences make sense, but, yes, they do ramble. One could shorten many simply by replacing "as" or "and" with periods.


Overall, this piece didn't come anywhere near boring me, but I was hardly on the edge of my seat either.

I sent a PM with minor corrections such as typos.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Penelope Street]

I must say that the single-sentence paragraphs drove me batty though.

I don't suppose this was meant to be a vampiric pun? The single sentence paragraphs didn't bother me. I did pause upon reading one of them to try and figure out why it deserved it's own paragraph, but that's all.

I hate it when anyone calls a woman, “Little one.” I see it a lot in BDSM and it always sets my teeth on edge.

Know what you mean, but in this case I think appropriate for Luc to have some kind of condescending pet name for his "human companion".

The main problem I had with this story is figuring out what Kate’s relationship to Luc is, as she sees it.

I agree.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[BlackShanglan]

Dear wishfulthinking,

I'm going to follow my usual MO of making comments as I go. My poor fading memory needs the prop; I also found it helpful, myself, to get a reader's blow-by-blow, as it let me see how reading of the story progressed. I'll use some quotes and specifics as I go, and then wrap up with summary. Hope this is helpful -

Shanglan

She worked in an isle by herself

"Aisle" actually. Don't worry, I'm not going to spend the review nitpicking mechanical issues - that one just grabed me, and it's easy to fix.

Good concrete opening. I like the physical feel I get for her job and for her body's "aftermath" sense of sexual experience. It's easy for me to slip into the story despite not having read chapter one.

It was only when she stared at herself in the mirror in the bathroom that morning, did the horror of what had shared her dreams and her bed begin to dawn. Heart racing, her shaky fingers brushed over the tiny pin prick wounds on the side of her neck, over her heart and surrounding her tender rosy nipple.

“Kate, stop day-dreaming, and get back to work!”

There's a little grammatical issue in the first sentence - the easiest solution is to drop the comma and change the following "did" to "that" and "begin" to "began" - but really I wanted to say that I liked the interruption of her thoughts and the jerk back to reality. You've handled the backstory neatly - I get thoughts in real time, not too much static detail, and a good sense of what happened and why I need to know about it now without it turning into a derailment of the text.

She was unaware of the way in which her porcelain skin glowed as though moonlight danced over it, the way her wide violet eyes looked like chips of amethyst and her soft lips like crushed roses. Sparks of gold shot through her long dark blonde hair caught back in a pony tail and hung down her back in a silky rope. Her scratchy uniform of white shirt and pleated navy skirt seemed to cling to her curve of her bottom and hips and tiny waist and the thrust of her tiny breasts that jingled enticingly with her movements as though it were cut from expensive cloth.

I had two issues with this description. First, I find it a little over-heavy; it's filled with phrases that are both dramatic and relatively common (porcelain skin, amethyst for purple). It loses its weight because it's too swooping and too familiar. Something leaner, earthier, and simpler would have more power so long as it was fresh.

The second problem is one of point of view. You begin by telling us that the character is unaware of her attributes, but you don't switch the narrative voice to seeing inside her manager's head. So who is seeing this detail? Until this point, you've gone with a third person limited omniscient perspective - seeing the whole world, but through Kate's eyes. Now suddenly we see her from the outside without knowing who would perceive these details or why we just popped out of the Kate-focus and into a sort of free-floating third person omniscient.

When Kate reached the restroom, she locked the door and took a steadying breath. What was wrong with everyone? Was there a sign stuck to her forehead that read ‘A stranger took my virginity, and I think he was a vampire?’

I just liked this

And gave a squeak of surprise as she bumped into what seemed like a brick wall. Two large hands captured her tiny waist and steadied her, and a familiar heady masculine scent filled her nostrils.

As she struggled to free herself, his hands only tightened on her waist, and she felt the hard edge of the basin nudging against her bottom as she was wedged against it by the press of his firm body.

“Good evening, Katalina,” he murmured against her ear, his warm breath making her flesh goose pimple and her nipples tighten impossibly.

I like the focus here. It would be a mistake to give a lengthy description of him,

Her knees buckled, and her vision wavered. Her fingers clutched at his shoulders.

On the whole I like the opening dialogue between the two, especially the way he responds to her questions in calm, seductively tinged non sequiturs. However, I would say that the "little one" is something of a commonplace in vampire stories. Could you give him something a little fresher?

She felt as though his words wore completely insensible, yet at the same time entirely rational.

Do you perhaps mean "senseless" for "insensible"? It seems an odd choice here.

“Ah,” he murmured, lips twitching as they brushed hers. “I forget how young and innocent you are. To ask me what I would like is to invite the devil to do his worst.”

Here's a point where I think you can easily trim and gain power. We know she's young and innocent; he knows she's young and innocent; she knows she's young and innocent. Sometimes simply leaving the implication has more weight than spelling it out. Have you considered just cutting that sentence and leaving the last?

The rest of the scene I think goes well. You're doing a good job of balancing physical and emotional actions and reactions; I can get a sense of the characters and their motivations.

Kate's eyes seem to change from violet to blue?

I like the scene with the two female vampires, if only because it reminds me of Stoker right down to Luc's arrival and rescue. There are a few typos in there, but I liked the emotional weighting and I think you built the tension for the rest of the story pretty well. (But "little one" is really starting to get to me.)

“Do you not enjoy the things I do to your innocent little body?” he enquired silkily, advancing on her. “The way I lick and nibble your tender breasts, the way I fill the honeyed channel between your soft thighs, the-”

I'm quite the push-over for tauntingly sensual talk, so this worked for me.

He didn’t come to her that night, and she didn’t know if what she felt was relief.
Yet her dreams were full of him, the silky mane as dark as pitch, the emerald green eyes that saw down to the deepest, darkest place of her, haunting her, the play of muscle beneath the satiny skin.

This is another place where I think you might freshen your imagery by reaching for some less well-worn comparisons. Black as pitch, green as emeralds - we hear these phrases so often that they cease to move us. I think you'd be better served by something newer.

Couldn't quite figure out why she heard giggling when she woke to see her father there. Giggling sounds like the female vamps, but they're not there; if the father is mourning the mother's departure, giggling seems unlikely?

I like her struggle with her feelings when Luc doesn't show up for some days. Good work on her ambiguity and confused sexual desire.

The scene with the father assaulting her was frightening, but also a bit confusing. I felt like I needed more buildup to see him as capable of this. I haven't seen much of him in this chapter and perhaps there is more in chapter one. If so, it might well work. What's in chapter two alone makes his actions seem abrupt - a sudden change. The same, I would say, with her decision to rescue him through selling herself off to Luc. That part could use just a little more development, I think - another sentence here and there. He moved quite suddenly from rescuer to threat again; personally, I would have enjoyed moving more slowly through what must have been Kate's relief (and perhaps a rush of returned desire) and her tendency to feel "rescued," then through a slightly slower realization that Luc is still a dangerous creature not inclined to show mercy either on her father or, at the last, on her - as he demands a price. That strikes me as a key moment, that realization, so I'd suggest giving it a little more time.

Midnight black hair brushed his shoulders and framing a finely chiselled face, as though carved from moonlit ivory, and as handsome as a fallen angel.

I'm going to protest "midnight black" on the grounds of stale imagery again, but I'll put in a good word for moonlit ivory. That's not a bad one.

She tore her gaze from his, her heart racing, and noticed her surroundings for the first time. They stood in the centre of a large, circular stone room dominated by a enormous bed with rich, vibrant silk throws in burgundies, blacks, chocolates and golds.

Sorry, it's late and I may be losing my grip, but I'm baffled to know how they got here.

“You are a vampire, aren’t you?” she whispered softly, her violet eyes returning and searching his, unable to deny the truth to herself any longer. He smiled wolfishly.

She fainted.

She seems to have realized this almost entirely by now. She's enunciated the possibility to herself quite consciously, and she managed to bear up while he was drinking her blood. It's hard to see why she would faint now.

The sex scene moves very well; I enjoy Luc's masterful manner and his easy power. It's nicely erotic. (A great many things are silk or silky here, however. "Golden mane" gets used pretty heavily as well. Just a thought.) Physical sensation is conveyed skillfully, and Kate's emotional reactions seem consistant and persuasive.

“You are mine, Katalina, body and soul,” he murmured, pressing a kiss against her hair. “I will never let you go.”

Something about "body and soul" is bothering me. I think it's back to the "well worn phrase" issue. That and the fact that we never know precisely what he means by this, and the fact that we don't know clearly why he finds Kate so attractive. That would be a helpful bit of information, although I admit hard to come by from Kate's point of view. The problem with not knowing is that it's a little difficult to take Luc's passion wholly seriously; it sounds wonderful and sensual, but it lacks roots. It feels like he's chosen a relatively random person and then started immediately in to talk of body and soul. It's hard for the reader to accept that this is a scorching immortal passion without a bit stronger sense of motive and development. By all means, go there eventually, but by trying to go there so soon, I would argue that you're undercutting soem of your intended effect. Passion too early can seem insincere.

On the whole I quite enjoyed this; it's a well-written story, if perhaps fairly typical of the vampire genre. I do think that it would be a good idea to revise some of the phrases and images that are the most commonly used. The seductive vampire figure is quite tempting, but also far from new; you need to fight a bit to give him freshness, and one way to do this is to consider your language carefully.

It was a pleasure reading your story. Thank you for sharing it with us, and I hope that you find the SDC helpful.

Shanglan

 

[angelicminx]

I'm hoping that I don't go too far. Please let me know if I have.

What I have done is what I expect when it's my turn.

Let me start off by saying that I like this story. I do have a vague image of Kate (Katalina... sigh, love that he calls her that) and Luc. I took notes and made suggestions as I read.

Where I want this story to end up: I want a darkish vampire tale about obsession and sex. Yeah, this is no literary feat and simply smut .

Hmm... Thinking you missed the mark a little bit there. It's somewhere between a literary feat and smut, falling into neither category. Not enough of either one.

I do wish that I had read the prior chapter, but maybe it's good that I didn't, since you said it was hastily written. As a stand alone, I think it will be fine, with a few minor changes.

The threads raised as hooks I assume are the two Japanese girls, the Mistress, the possible pregnancy and the mother?

I have copied your story to Word and saved it to my pc. My suggestions are in blue, thoughts and other things in red.

Kate worked slowly, stacking tins of canned peaches neatly on the shelves. Each movement made her conscious of the pull between her legs where the stranger had taken her, pushing his hard flesh deep inside. (removed "of her")

She worked in an aisle by herself, something for which she was grateful. (Suggest: Gratefully, she worked in an aisle by herself. Or something to that effect) She had been late to work, earning a blasting from the boss’s son, and having to make up the time on the late shift. (Is she making up the time now? If so, maybe change this to: She had been late to work, earning a blasting from the boss’s son, and was making up the time on the late shift. If she isn’t, then maybe: She had been late to work, earning a blasting from the boss’s son, and would have to make up the time on the late shift.) As much as she hated the job, the hours were good and she needed the money.

She continued to work, fighting off the feelings of disorientation and detachment that tried to overwhelm her. (My suggestion:She continued to work, trying to fight off the feelings of disorientation and detachment that sought to overwhelm her.) It was as though she were looking at everything through a thick cloud, making the world seem fuzzy and distant.

Yet, (as much as she fought it,) the memory of him, (removed "of") feeling him on top of her, moving inside of her, only seemed to grow. Her nipples tightened against the starched cotton shirt (with it’s tiny row buttons down the front, ) (move this phrase to the description of her uniform) and a trickle of moisture seeped between her thighs.

Skip a few paragraphs
Kate jumped, a can falling from her hand to plonk on the grey linoleum? floor.

Kate stared at Joe with wide eyes before turning back to the shelf, tuning out the rest of his rant. Joe was barely thirty, but looked closer to forty. His belly hung over his belt; his round face pale and fleshy like uncooked dough.

(She ignored him and continued to pack the shelves as though in a dream like state.) Better to move this or delete it altogether IMO. It’s already been said that she turned back to the shelf and tuned out the rest of his rant. Also, since this is from her pov, she wouldn’t know that she appeared to be in a dream like state (though I do like that description). Eventually the words stopped, and she was vaguely conscious of him simply standing there, watching her. (Suggest combining this with the next part. Rather than say the same thing twice. Possibly: Eventually the words stopped. She was vaguely conscious of him simply standing there as she reached down to open a new carton. Feeling him watching her, her eyes flickered to his. A strange expression filled his face, as though he had never seen her before.)

She was unaware of how she appeared to him. Her porcelain skin glowed as though moonlight danced over it. Her wide, violet eyes looked like chips of amethyst and her soft lips like crushed roses. Sparks of gold shot through her long, dark blonde hair, caught back in a ponytail and hung down her back in a silky rope. (Sparks of gold shot through the dark blonde ponytail hanging down her back in a silky rope. ? or Sparks of gold shot through her long, dark blonde hair. It was caught in a ponytail and hung down her back in a silky rope.?) Her scratchy uniform of white shirt and pleated navy skirt seemed to cling to her curve of her bottom and hips and tiny waist and the thrust of her tiny breasts that jingled enticingly with her movements as though it were cut from expensive cloth. (this description is confusing. Suggest revising. Possibly: Her uniform was scratchy. (why was it scratchy? What is it made of? Also wonder how Joe would know it was scratchy.) The pleated navy skirt seemed to cling to the curve of her bottom, hips and tiny waist, (as though it were cut from expensive cloth.) the point of this phrase is…? Her tiny breasts thrust against the white cotton shirt (with tiny row buttons down the front)phrase moved from earlier in the story, and jingled (jiggled?) enticingly with her movements.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she muttered and brushed passed him. (An abrupt turn. Might consider a lead in to her saying that she needed use the restroom. Mention his stare making her uncomfortable, searching for an excuse to leave his scrutiny, she grabs onto the first thing that she thinks of. It makes more sense.) She felt as though (noticing these two words used to excess, consider going back and changing them, or rephrasing the sentences) eyes followed her every movement as she quickly made her way to the staff restroom. Once, she glanced up and caught sight of one of the storemen staring at her intently. (what did he do? He would have seen her looking, what was his reaction?)

When Kate reached the restroom, she locked the door and took a steadying breath. What was wrong with everyone? Was there a sign stuck to her forehead that read ‘A stranger took my virginity, and I think he was a vampire?’ (internal thoughts? Maybe:What is wrong with everyone? Is there a sign stuck to my forehead that says‘A stranger took my virginity, and I think he is a vampire’? Also, ? virginity? I lost you there. I don’t get the idea that she was a virgin.)

And(She, not and) gave a squeak of surprise as she bumped into what seemed like a brick wall. Two large hands captured her tiny waist and steadied her. A familiar heady, masculine scent filled her nostrils.

As she struggled to free herself, his hands only tightened on her waist. She felt the hard edge of the basin nudging against her bottom as the press of his firm body wedged her against it.(sentence revision suggested by Word)

“Good evening, Katalina,” he murmured against her ear, his warm breath making her flesh goose pimple and her nipples tighten impossibly. (Impossibly?)

Skip a few more paragraphs

“I - I don’t even know your name,” she choked out desperately as his thigh wedged itself between hers, pressing insistently against the dewy heat of her. (She was helpless over the thrall he held her in, her palms flat against his chest, her heart racing.)(rephrase? Possibly: She was helpless against the thrall he held her in... etc.)

“Names hold power, little one,” he murmured as his lips trailed over the side of her neck. “What reward will you give to me if I give that power to you?” (Ooh, I like this! Gives a dark, sinister feeling) (Looking at it as I post might I suggest: "What reward will you give me if I allow you to have that power?"? or something like that anyway, lol.

“What would you like?” she murmured breathlessly as he gently pinched her taut nipples, her back arching. Had she really said that? (suggest:Did I really say that?)

“Are you the devil?” She knew she should feel alarm at this line of questioning, but she was in awe of his magnificence and strength, drowning in the deep green pools. (what deep green pools? I assume you mean his eyes. When did her eyes reopen?)

He chuckled softly. “Do you trust me?” he queried as she felt fingers trail up her inner thigh. (as his trailed fingers up her inner thigh.) Barely a heartbeat passed before she shook her head again. His lips twitched. “You are wise.”

She knew she should be fighting him. He had touched and caressed her while she dreamed, stealing her innocence and showing her exquisite pleasure from his possession. (fighting him because he stole her innocence AND because he showed her exquisite pleasure? Better to separate the two, IMO. Suggestion: She knew she should be fighting him. He had touched and caressed her while she dreamed, stealing her innocence.) Yet she felt wrapped in his power, his sensuality, unable to resist, unable to look away, the soft pulsing flesh between her thighs melting for his touch. (Hmm… maybe here would be good: Yet she felt wrapped in his power, his sensuality, unable to resist, unable to look away. The soft flesh between her thighs melting for his touch, recalling the exquisite pleasure of his possession.)

Skip a few

She gazed at him in surprise as he stood before her, dark green eyes intent, her torn panties in his hand. (Whoa, when were they torn? Did I miss something? I thought he slipped them off, and they pooled at her ankles? “and she offered no resistance as he slowly eased her panties down her hips. Cool air swirled between her thighs as he drew her panties lower, tugging them to her knees before letting them go.

As they pooled around her ankles he kissed her”)

She blushed as she realized what he had done, remembering that fleeting moment when she had felt something pull against her ankles before her eyes had adjusted to the light. (Hmmm… don’t care for this part. Seems like a lot of unnecessary backpedal. If you want the torn panties I would suggest writing them into the scene and making her unaware of it at that time, not in reflection.)

Skip a few more

He was a stranger. (He could possibly be a (changed to fix the fragmented sentence)) serial rapist with a fetish for virgins and blood. Yet the mere thought of him made her secret place pulse and turned her resistance to mush.

As she turned the corner and headed down the lane toward her home, she felt a sense of anticipation and dread tighten her belly. It was inevitable that he would come to her while she slept. She knew she couldn’t stop him from taking what he wanted. Her resistance as he stole her virginity had shown her that, only to find herself lost in the spell of dark sensuality he had woven around them as he relentlessly took her over and over until dawn. (she resisted him? Better to say lack of resistance, since she obviously cannot resist. Maybe: Her helplessness as he stole her virginity had shown her that. She had tried to resist him, only to find herself lost in the spell of dark sensuality he had woven around them. He had relentlessly taken her, over and over again, until the dawn.)

She shivered, and wrapped her arms around her middle. Could she be pregnant? (Could I be pregnant??)Horror raced through her and her legs felt wobbly. She could barely support herself and her drunkard of a father as it was. The pension he received from the police force when he had been forced to retire when a pub brawl ended in a beer bottle being smashed against his spine, was a pittance. (Not sure about his last sentence. Sounds like he received one check. Suggest: The pension he received from the police force was a pittance. He was forced to retire when a pub brawl ended in a beer bottle being smashed against his spine. Questions are raised for me with this scenario: How was he forced to retire? Wouldn’t he just end up with a desk job? He was injured on the job, why isn’t he receiving disability? You state that he is a drunkard. Does this ultimately have to do with his retirement?)

Lost in thought, she was unprepared when two women, barely a year or two older than Kate‘s eighteen, materialized before her out of the darkness. One giggled behind her hand, and Kate’s wide blue (Whoa! When did they change from violet? Stated more than once earlier.) eyes flew to her face. She was petite with perfect features, like a tiny, exquisite Japanese doll. Her black hair was caught up in pigtails with furry pink scrunchies. Both girls were dressed almost identically, with tight mid-drift tops and plaid pleated skirts with thick belts around their tiny hips and knee high boots.

Pale, slender fingers gripped her wrist in a crushing grip, bringing tears to Kate’s eyes. Her (Kate’s? I know it’s not but it sounds that way.) free hand grabbed the front of Kate’s shirt and yanked down hard, sending the buttons bouncing over the road.

“Stop,” Kate cried, trying to cover her breasts with one hand and attempting to tug her other wrist free. Despite the slightness of their stature, their strength was incredible, giving no quarter.

She (who?) saw the girl’s eyes widen, with fear? (why is this a question?) , and felt her grip relax as she gazed at something over Kate’s shoulder. Kate turned, her eyes widening in relief as she saw Luc, his face cast in shadow.

Dragging her gaze from his, she gazed (suggest changing this word. Used twice in the same sentence) about her, realizing the women had vanished.

Skip a bunch

“You are mine, Katalina. The sooner you realize (suggest changing to accept) it and stop fighting me, the easier it will be.”

Skip, skip, skip...

She was going crazy. Her thoughts were consumed by him. (Word suggests: He consumed her thoughts.) Her body ached for him.

Skip

Her struggles began anew, her nails digging into his arms as she tried to force him off of her. His thick legs lay across hers like tree trunks, preventing her from kicking him as his hand wedged between her thighs. “Luc! Lucien!” she cried desperately as she fought her father. (Wonderful! I was waiting for him to rescue her.)

Skip

Kate felt soft and warm as fingers coaxed the tingling nub between her thighs to life. Her thighs trembled as they were eased further apart, her hips arching as a finger stole deep (removed "up") inside the melting channel at her core.

Skip

She panted and writhed between the hands that held her wide apart and open to the exploring hands and mouth that tormented her. (this could use a little work, rephrasing.)

Skip

Two fingers slipped down the valley (only one valley, either between her breasts or down the valley of her breasts not both.) of her breasts and tugged on her makeshift sarong. The silk slipped, revealing a creamy breast with its rosy crown to his interested gaze. A masculine chuckle escaped him as the nipple tightened and puckered beneath his gaze, and heat stole up her cheeks, all thoughts of the other vampires vanishing from her mind.

“Are you wet for me?” he inquired silkily (got a chuckle here, I believe he already knows this.) , tugging harder on the silk until it parted with a soft sigh and floated to the ground at their feet. Fingers trailed down between the valley of her breasts (once again, only one valley) and over the gentle swell of her belly, sending tingles racing over her skin.

Her free hand caught his wrist, fear and desire swirling in her violet depths (what do you mean “her violet depths”?). She felt the resistance as he sought to delve lower, and strength surged through her as her fingers held him flat against her belly. (Um… resistance of what? Could you mean: She felt her resistance return as he sought to delve lower. Strength surged through her as her fingers held his flat against her belly. ?)By the flash of surprise across his face, she knew it wasn’t completely because he allowed her to hold him there.

His hand slipped playfully from hers, sliding down to cup her inner thigh. A whimper escaped her as his thumb skated over her pouting pink lips and her lashes fluttered closed.

He head dipped, his lips brushing her smooth shoulder as he explored the dewy folds between her thighs with his hand?. His tongue traced whorls over the side of her neck, and she felt her body go lax at the inevitability of his sensual bite.

“Here?” he murmured as he gently nibbled on the sensitive flesh. Some devil inside made her shake her head, and he chuckled. Her lips parted on an uneven gasp as a finger lazily circled the sensitive nub nestled between her thighs.

She moaned as his teeth sunk into the tender flesh surrounding her nipple the same moment as a finger thrust inside (removed up) of her. The pain soon melded with the pleasure as her whole body arched against, her fingers sinking into his black mane desperately. She felt him harden impossibly (impossibly?) against her thigh as he drew on her blood, and her body throbbed around the invading digit, wanting, needing him there, filling her.

“Luc,” she moaned as fire coursed through her veins. Her melting channel pulsed as another finger thrust inside of her and his mouth continued to suckle her tender nipple. Everything but the feel of his mouth on her and his fingers working between her thighs was lost to her as she bucked and writhed against him. (rephrase, repetitive. suggest: She bucked and writhed against him, lost in the sensations created within her body. Or something to that effect.)

She cried out as the intensity of her orgasm consumed her, feeling her vision dim around the edges as wave upon wave of pleasure lapped at her. (how do you feel vision dim? Wouldn’t you see it? Or at least wouldn’t it just be? Ex: She cried out as the intensity of her orgasm consumed her, the edges of her vision dimming, as wave upon wave of pleasure lapped at her.)

The world went dizzy (spun?) as she felt herself lifted over his shoulder, his fingers splayed possessively over her bottom as he strode toward the bed.

Her hair lay like golden ribbons about her as she gazed up at him with heavy eyes. The expression on his face took her breath away. (two points of view here. Hmm. Thinking maybe move both sentences. Ex: Gently he eased her down onto the bed before him. Her thighs seemed to part of their own accord as he moved over her. His thighs settled between hers, forcing them even wider. Her hair lay like golden ribbons about her as she stared up at him with heavy eyes.

The expression on his face took her breath away. A dark fire consumed those mesmerizing eyes. He gazed silently down at her for what felt like eons, before slowly dipping his head.)

She whimpered as she felt him probing at her dewy gate, seeking admittance. All resistance had fled from her as he eased his thick, hard length inside her with devastating slowness. She arched, straining to take all of him in as he surged deeper, inch-by-inch, forcing her tight walls to yield to his possession as he sunk to the hilt in her molten heat.

Her fingers dug into his shoulders as she adjusted to the fullness of him stretching her, her breath coming in tiny pants as he gazed down into her wide, violet eyes. She moaned as he slowly began to move inside her with long, powerful thrusts. Her long legs wrapped around him as she clung to him, her body rising to meet his.

Blood thrummed through her veins as he moved above and inside her with slow possession, so different from when he had stolen into her bed and seduced her of her virginity (huh? Seduced her of her virginity? This sentence could be rephrased to be a little more clear.) with a skill and speed that had left her confused and unable to resist him.

Her nails sunk into his bottom, urging him on, the exquisite friction of him driving deep inside her driving (sending?) her into a frenzy of need.

“You are mine, Katalina, body and soul,” he murmured, pressing a kiss against her hair. “I will never let you go.” (Sigh… I love this line!)

Okay, that's the end of that part... hell of a post so far, I apologize. Think I might have over done it <blush>.

I did notice several typos, but nothing a scan with word wouldn't fix. I dropped a few extra words, I didn't point them all out in the post, but if you want I will email the Word file I have saved.

I noticed the use of several words or phrases excessively: As though, realized, yet, gazed, gaze, gazing, (wide, violet eyes), mane. I would consider going back through and replacing some of them.

Overall, Wishful, I loved the story. I love most of your descriptions, I find them quite powerful. I want to know what happens next.

I'm half in love with Luc myself

 

[neonlyte]

Wishful

Thank you posting this, it's of a genre that I'm unfamiliar with, not that I reject it, rather too many other areas to choose for my reading. It was with something of freshness that your story led my eyes.

I enjoyed this tale. I find it nicely written, with the usual sprinkling of quibbles over word choice, punctuation etc.

My overriding impression, from two readings, is that you have reduced the story considerably from an original form. I'm guessing here, but it struck me as lacking a degree of continuity between 'scenes' almost like turning the pages of a picture book and finding a drawing by the same artist, but on a different topic.

Once more I'm guessing, it is the introduction of the strands you introduce to continue this tale as a series that interfere with the flow. These might be summarised as Joe, the two Japanese Vampires, and Katalina's Father. I understand why, in the context, you need to introduce them, but the manner of their introduction bothered me.

As she reached down to open a new carton, she realised he was still there, and her wide violet eyes flickered to his. A strange expression filled his face, as though he had never seen her before.

She was unaware of the way in which her porcelain skin glowed as though moonlight danced over it, the way her wide violet eyes looked like chips of amethyst and her soft lips like crushed roses. Sparks of gold shot through her long dark blonde hair caught back in a pony tail and hung down her back in a silky rope. Her scratchy uniform of white shirt and pleated navy skirt seemed to cling to her curve of her bottom and hips and tiny waist and the thrust of her tiny breasts that jingled enticingly with her movements as though it were cut from expensive cloth.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she muttered and brushed passed him. She felt as though eyes followed her every movement as she quickly made her way to the staff restroom. Once she glanced up, and caught sight of one of the storemen staring at her intently.

Taking the passage above. Good first sentence, though it could do with minor reconstruction, essentially marking the transition from Katalina the child virgin to Katalina the woman. She is different, she feels different. She believes the taking of her virginity is marked for all men to see. It's all implied from what precedes, doesn't need anything added - except, the following sentence denies all of that through the single word unaware

The middle paragraph, as others have pointed out, stands out from the prose thus far. I have no serious problems with that other than wanting clarification of exactly who is reading her like this. If it's Joe - say so, set up his lust. If Luc told her these things and fired her imagination with images of her sensuality - say so, awakening her awareness of her sexuality is part of his game.

You cut this passage short with the final sentence - the trip to the bathroom. Why did she need to take herself from Joe's stare? Sure it's implied, but it's not clearly spelt out. She's changed from a girl to a woman. She feels the change written across her body. Joe is seeing her as a woman for the first time, senses the change. She feels the lust of his eyes (except you don't actually say that). And removes herself from his sight - why? What was she feeling, what emotions was he disturbing. If Joe is to feature in a later episode, I feel you need to spell this out; even a gesture of trying to take her arm as she brushes past him would do it.

If Joe doesn't feature, then he's superfluous to the story. She would perceive herself as having changed, not just from her inner feelings, but also from the eyes of every man (and woman if future episodes take that route) she passed in the street, on the subway or the bus, on her way to work.

One small thing that grated that I don't think anyone else has mentioned:

She worked in an aisle by herself, something for which she was grateful. She had been late to work, earning a blasting from the boss’s son, and having to make up the time on the late shift. As much as she hated the job, the hours were good and she needed the money.

Late shift implies bad hours, it's nit picking I know, but it's the second para and got me off to a bad start.

" She had been late to work, earning a blasting from the boss’s son, and would have to stay on after her shift to make up the time"

This would work better for me.

The same argument about Joe's role in the story I'd apply to the two Japanese Vampires. You clearly (to my mind) introduce them for a purpose, then you dismiss them with this line:

“Forget them,” he murmured as he captured her hand where it lay protectively across her breasts and pinned it against the wall above her head. His thumb stroked the pulse that fluttered madly there at his closeness. “They can’t hurt you here.“

I don't mind them being pushed away to a later episode, I'm looking forward to seeing their role (that might just be the Yui effect). What I do mind is having largely forgotten about them because of the ensuing story involving the Father and Luc, there suddenly back and as quickly dismissed. I may be missing something here, but why not get them stored away earlier, on the door step for example?

By far the most menacing character in this story (for me) is the Father. I need to read the story again to formulate my reaction to him. I'll do that later. For now, it's sufficient to say that for me the darkness in your story (for me) is vested in the Father, Luc is far too nice a Vampire to chill except erotically. The obsession in your story, again for me, is vested in the Father and what ever happened to Beth. The sex is mostly good, though I shuddered at the stealing of her panties. Not because he did it, but because you didn't follow through in sufficient depth how she felt to be walking around all day naked beneath her skirt. It was done for a reason, or not at all, give us the reason, tell us how she felt, the cool breeze between her legs that reminded her all day of what he'd done and where he'd been while she bent stacking shelves aware that anyone might see her nakedness and the moisture oozing at the folds of her sex.

The story and series shows great promise and potential, I think you need to rework just a little to achieve the objective you desire. I may be reading this wrong, I don't think THIS Luc is the darkness, the darkness may be in the other things you plan for Katalina, but the threat needs more punch. If you intend Luc to be blacker than painted you will need to re-work his character, which would leave me wondering why the others are involved, and it is this lack of clarity which takes the edge off the story for me. I can see this story without any of Joe, the J Girls or Father, a slightly more menacing Luc would bring it off, if you need the other three, you need to explain why.

Good luck and thank you. I'll post later, given time, thoughts about the Father.


EDIT: It suddenly occured to me (in the shower) that I had no desire to go search for the first chapter of this series. That may be a good thing in so much that this chapter stands alone, or a bad thing for not making the reader search it out. A footnote might help at this story end. (I will read Chpt 1 before commenting on Father)

 

[wishfulthinking]

Thanks you guys, this is fantastic. I have had a quick read through, and will go back and do so again, but so far the following is clear to me:

- the change to something other than human that is sensed by others [she's still a bit clueless]: didn’t get across at all.

- her inner turmoil [or current lack of ]. She is swinging back and forth between 'is he or isn't he', but I haven't developed this as it should be.

- little one - okay, in the face of majority i will relent and replace it with Katarina

- freshness/unoriginality - guilty - I’ll try harder, BS, I promise

- why a vampire would be interested in a grocery clerk - guilty again. I’m going to have to explore the witch thing a bit more, which is admittedly lame.

- I committed one of the worse sins - spelling mistakes in the first sentence. Bugger!

Dr M, don’t laugh, but I meant jiggle. However, even that seems like a weird choice now. You are right about the visual thing, and it makes it difficult to try and fill in the blanks.

Neon, you make me realise that I didn’t get the scene across with Joe at all. That was a point where I am trying to get show her change from human to something else, not the change from girl to women. That obviously needs work!! But I do like your suggestion as to showing lust. [and yes, big chunks were cut out prior to posting in the SDC]

Penny, I got your pm, and you are a darling for doing that. You are right about the perspective with Joe - it is not clear, and I couldn’t put my finger on it until you mentioned it.

Angel, you didn’t go too far! That is what I need, and extremely helpful - I know what is in my head, but it doesn’t seem to end up on paper, and I am notorious for missing words [besides bad spelling]!

But this has been really good - I get too close to the story, and can’t seem to get the perspective I need to evaluate it and make changes as needed. I usually leave a lot unsaid [unintentionally] which I know often confuses the hell out of my readers, but I was worried that this would be more evident in a story like this where there are sci-fi elements that need exploring.

 

[Softouch911]

WT, I don't have much to add I'm afraid to all that's been said here and, as usual, find myself finding everything I was planning to say in the comments of dr._M and Penny. But I do have a few random comments to offer which you may or may not find useful --

I have less of an issue with Katalina's characterization than I actually do with the physical description of her. Early on there were several indications (while she was being a clerk) that she was a plain-Jane. Later we're dealing with golden manes and physical changes that don't usually come with blood loss.

(Of course my confusion may come just from what just became an obvious unfamiliarity with the vampire story. But I do think it would help the story, and strengthen how we respond to her, if we had a clearer picture of her face, hair, body as she changes (?))

Yeah, I think I picked up a hook to a next section with the introduction of the Japanese vampiresses. But it was far from blatant and, like some others, I think they could be developed usefully. But yes, the story also stands alone I think.

Question: Do you think it would help the story if you began it by moving the first paragraph into the third paragraph position? I do.

You asked about sentence length and rambling. Like others, I think you can gain a lot by breaking sentences into two, or three, or even four. Penny suggested checking the replacement of the word "as" with a period. I think you'll also find that the effect of this edit is to make the pace of your prose more punchy and tense ... not a bad thing at all in this story.

Do you have to be so blatant about Luc being a vampire before she knows his name? I thought you handled the character intros of the two female vampires better, as the recognition of them grew through the few sentences they were in. As I said, I'd like to see more of them, but I felt their intro was less clumsy.

I liked the sense of danger especially in the beginning of the tale. Of course it is replaced by lust as the story continues. There are minor places where there is a breakdown -- some of these are mentioned by other readers, but I think it would be a good idea to read the whole story over with an eye to keeping tone intact at every scene and transition. Just my opinion, please.

Luc: in the bathroom with her. It's daytime? Fluorescent lights probably? What's he doing out and about? But again, I'm not familiar with vampire stories ... just Bella Lugosi.

When characters stop and lecture me on truth, beauty and goodness -- as Luc does when he tells her/us on his vampire nature -- it turns me off. Like a commercial in a TV drama.

One more editing quibble. In his "action" scenes ... especially when he is sexing her up ... I'd suggest you use his name more often and find ways around saying "he" all the time. I have the same problem, especially in a story that has, essentially, two characters but I felt it irritating here -- sometimes I can get rid of some pronouns by changing sentence structure, and sometimes you can insert the name ... and sometimes there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.

Finally, I like the story. I'm going back to the first and will read the next. I'm not sure I'm converted to vampire stories, but any guy who is that successful with getting the woman he wants is sure my hero!

I hope some of this is useful, WT, especially as you're such a support to all of us!


Softie -- looking for tips

 

[angelicminx]

- the change to something other than human that is sensed by others [she's still a bit clueless]: didn’t get across at all.

I did think that Joe sensed something odd for sure, and not her sexuality, but I do think it needs to be a lot clearer.

- little one - okay, in the face of majority i will relent and replace it with Katarina

I just might cry if you replace the first one. I LOVED that one. Maybe I am a sucker for the tried and true, but I expected him to call her that at least once. I thought it was perfect just as it was, at least that first time. (Hope like crazy you mean Katalina. Katarina doesn’t create as much feeling for me… )

- freshness/unoriginality - guilty - I’ll try harder, BS, I promise

I will be interested to see what you can come up with. Personally, I haven’t a clue! LOL.

- why a vampire would be interested in a grocery clerk - guilty again. I’m going to have to explore the witch thing a bit more, which is admittedly lame.

Honestly, I liked where I thought you were going with the witch idea. It doesn’t matter that she is a grocery clerk; all that matters is her bloodline. I could only suggest that it be shown earlier in the tale, with greater clarity of course.

- I committed one of the worse sins - spelling mistakes in the first sentence. Bugger!

LOL!

But this has been really good - I get too close to the story, and can’t seem to get the perspective I need to evaluate it and make changes as needed. I usually leave a lot unsaid [unintentionally] which I know often confuses the hell out of my readers, but I was worried that this would be more evident in a story like this where there are sci-fi elements that need exploring.

This is what I am going to absolutely love about SDC. I get too close to my stories as well. I sent a story that I thought was finished to a friend, only to find out that it was far from it. I would have been mortified to submit something that needed so much work. I can’t wait to see what y’all have to say about what I have done!

 

[Penelope Street]

Neon, you make me realise that I didn’t get the scene across with Joe at all. That was a point where I am trying to get show her change from human to something else...

Is Kate changing from human to something else? I misread Joe's fascination with the "new" Kate- I thought he was just some cretin taking a second look at a subordinate. I picked up on Kate's fascination with Luc's blood and took it to mean he was changing her. I liked that, but then I read this:

"Your strength is growing, little one. Soon you will come fully into your powers as my human companion."

The above quote from Luc made me reconsider and conclude that Kate was still human and would remain so. Of course, he's a vampire, so how good is his word? As a side note, the more I consider 'little one' the more I think it appropriate in this story. I imagine Luc must view Kate as something akin to a minion, so why would he not have some condescending pet name for her?

Luc in the bathroom with her. It's daytime? Fluorescent lights probably? What's he doing out and about?

A good question. Doesn't a vampire have anything better to do than go on what amounts to a panty raid?

The scene with the father assaulting her was frightening, but also a bit confusing. I felt like I needed more buildup to see him as capable of this. I haven't seen much of him in this chapter and perhaps there is more in chapter one. If so, it might well work. What's in chapter two alone makes his actions seem abrupt - a sudden change.

I had no problem believing the father's behavior. My experience has been that drunks often behave in inconsistent and frightening ways.

The same, I would say, with her decision to rescue him through selling herself off to Luc. That part could use just a little more development, I think - another sentence here and there. He moved quite suddenly from rescuer to threat again; personally, I would have enjoyed moving more slowly through what must have been Kate's relief (and perhaps a rush of returned desire) and her tendency to feel "rescued," then through a slightly slower realization that Luc is still a dangerous creature not inclined to show mercy either on her father or, at the last, on her - as he demands a price. That strikes me as a key moment, that realization, so I'd suggest giving it a little more time.

Excellent point. Also, I thought it a little corny that Luc one again showed up to rescue Kate. Does he need her consent to make her his companion? If not, what is the point of this scene anyway?

- why a vampire would be interested in a grocery clerk - guilty again. I’m going to have to explore the witch thing a bit more, which is admittedly lame.

I didn't have any problem with the vampire being interested in Kate. I thought the witch/heritage angle was adequately presented. Why would a witch be any more lame than a vampire?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Is Kate a witch? I must have missed that part. That would explain a lot, because to seems to me that Luc is not only after her, he’s rather obsessed with her. I mean, from the scene with her father, I got the impression that Luc is just hanging around her place waiting for her to call. Doesn’t he have anything else to do? She must be one hot dish.

(Incidently, I think that inserting a reference to her father at the start - maybe just something about how working nights at least got her out of the hosue and away from her alcoholic father - would go a long way towards making him seem like less of a deus ex machina and integrate him into the story better.)

The thing about her not being able to make up her mind about whether he’s a vampire or not: well, I have real trouble with that. I mean, who undergoes a weird attack and then walks around thinkng, “Well, maybe he’s a vampire and then again maybe he’s not.” It seems to me that the idea of being attacked by a vampire is just so outlandish that she would doubt her sanity before she’d seriously consider it. And if she did believe it, she’d be just terrified. As it is, his being a vampire doesn’t seem that much more exotic to her than if he were an Episcopalian. I think you need at least a line or two of her considering the vampire option and then just putting it out of her mind as being too absurd to even think about.

I’ve read a lot of erotic vampire stories and even written a bunch myself, and in my opinion, the biggest pitfall in EV stories is cliché. Almost all erotic vampires are the same, and all EV heroines are the same too. The plots always involve the seduction of an innocent heroine by the erotically charged vampire, and continue on to the climax in which the heroine’s love finally conquers and redeems her conquerer (well, sometimes they end up unhappily, but rarely).

It’s a very satisfying story line, and allows for the heroine to enjoy wild sex without compromising her principles (who can resist the powers of the supernatural?), plenty of BDSM-type stuff, wild passions, and loads of atmosphere. But because it’s so attractive and has been done so many times, originality is a problem, and we tend to take too much for granted. It's just so easy to fall into the pattern.

For example, Kate apparently knows that all she has to do is call Luc and he’ll appear in an instant to save her from her father. But how does she know this? Did he tell her in Chapter 1? Or does she know it from reading erotic vampire stories? Apparently we all know about this EV device too, because no one seemed to pick up on it. We just expect that kind of thing because we know the conventions.

Same thing with the two women who accosted her outside her house. Wouldn’t Kate be a little curious as to who they were and what they wanted with her? I know I would. I'd probablybe scared shitless. Instead, once Luc saves the day and leaves, she seems to brush her teeth and forget about it and go to bed Apparently she knows somehow that these are other vampires out to get her. Personally, I really don’t think that’s how a human being would act.

In other words, it seems to me that she just takes all these vampire issues for granted (and so do we) and so her reactions are rather blasé and, for me at least, don’t ring true. Horror, disbelief, amazement, all these are missing, and her willing acceptance of all this robs Luc of his fire as well. He comes across not so much as a Master of Darkness as a lovesick kid hanging around Kate’s house. How can you be amazing when no one’s going to be amazed?

And, damn it, I still want to know what would induce him to sneak away with her panties. What’s he going to do with them? Sniff them?

EDITED TO ADD: Okay. I see where he hints that her mother might have been a witch down towards the end.

I liked the lightbulb shattering. That was original. I forgot to tell you.

Reading it through the second time, I came to appreciate the atmospherics more. Good atmosphere can cover up a host of sins. It's really too bad she has to work in non-atmospheric job like a supermarket and that Luc has to visit her in the lady's can though. No atmosphere there.

 

[neonlyte]

Wishful

I've taken a read of the first story. One tiny detail that someone will pick you up on, in the first story you say her mother died when Kate was two, in this one, it is when Kate is four.

I promised comments about the Father, but having read the first part to this story, I'm more or less content with the Father's position and keenly interested in how Beth fits into future episodes. You ought mention something of why he ransacked her room, how did he know Kate had the only surviving picture of Beth, it is well hidden (from the first tale), he'd need knowledge to search for it and find it.

On re-reading, I'm concerned about this entire following sequence of events. I've removed sections so it's not too long on the page.

“Are you saying I am some sort of witch?” she asked incredulously, and his lips twitched.

“Are you ready to believe me if I say yes?” he asked.

Silence ….

She tore her gaze from his, her heart racing, and noticed her surroundings for the first time. They stood in the centre of a large, circular stone room dominated by a enormous bed with rich, vibrant silk throws in burgundies, blacks, chocolates and gold's.

“You are a vampire, aren’t you?” she whispered softly, her violet eyes returning and searching his, unable to deny the truth to herself any longer. He smiled wolfishly.

She fainted.

~*~

Kate felt soft and warm as fingers coaxed the tingling nub between her thighs to life. Her thighs trembled as they were eased further apart, her hips arching as a finger stole up deep inside the melting channel at her core.

The blood…

The prelude to this scene is Kate licking blood from the wound inflicted by the shattered light bulb. One would imagine Kate's thinking is she is becoming a vampire, instead he tells her she is some kind of witch, from a bloodline possessing mystical powers.

Ok, I'm not up on my Paganism so forgive for asking what do witches and vampires have in common? I need a little explanation here to help me through this scene. Which one of them is effecting the transition to the opulent surrounding? And when she wakes from the faint - where is she? It's only much further down - too far down IMO - that we find her in the same opulent surroundings. It's the symbol ~*~ that confuses me as you've used it else where to break locations.

We then move to some good sexual build up before reaching this passage.

She felt weak, flooded with pleasure, yet the horrifying thought of becoming a vampire gave her strength. She pushed at his shoulders and he shifted his weight to lay alongside of her, his head propped on his hand.

She…

…

“Are you wet for me?” he inquired silkily, tugging harder on the silk until it parted with a soft sigh and floated to the ground at their feet. Fingers trailed down between the valley of her breasts and over the gentle swell of her belly, sending tingles racing over her skin.

Her free hand caught his wrist, fear and desire swirling in her violet depths. She felt the resistance as he sought to delve lower, and strength surged through her as her fingers held him flat against her belly. By the flash of surprise across his face, she knew it wasn’t completely because he allowed her to hold him there.

Amused green eyes rose to connect with hers as the tips of his fingers caressed the silky skin just above her golden thatch, making her thighs quiver. “Your strength is growing, little one. Soon you will come fully into your powers as my human companion.”

Apart from examining the text I've highlighted in bold, the middle paragraph you know you could write better , we've moved from the idea that she might be a 'witch', to her fear of becoming a 'vampire', to his calling her a 'human companion'.

I'm not too sure where Kate is going, or what she is thinking, or which one of these scenarios she fears or desires. Why isn't she more interested in the witch scenario? Curious, asking questions of him, discovering the hidden power that begins to allow her some control over his actions, even though she has no control over her desire.

I think you are almost guilty of giving us too much, as if you have too many objectives to achieve and I'm ending with too many questions about what exactly is taking place.

She knows she's going to surrender to him, and your write it well. Why not deal with that instead of breaking it with other issues and leave the issues to the end, when she's taken her fill, a kind of "What have you done to me - What am I?" that leads into the next chapter.

I confess, I could really get into this series, the atmospherics are excellent and I'm reading for pleasure most of the time. If you hadn't put it up for Crit, I'd have probably gone with your version and trusted you to resolve my minor ambiguities as the series unravelled.

neonlyte

 

[Boxlicker101]

Hi, WT. I got into this a bit late but here are my impressions. Fantasies like this are really not my kind of story. Because it is such a story, I won’t concern myself with things like motivation of Luc and why Kate was so drawn to him and why she allowed him so many liberties. Why did she sometimes try to fight him off and other times she was quite compliant? Obviously, he had some superhuman power to control her mind. However, I did read through it and some questions and observations occurred to me.

First, the mechanical type of thing:

In the second paragraph, did you mean to say “isle” which would mean a small island or did you mean “aisle”? Either could be right but you would usually work in an aisle, which would have shelves and on an isle, which would usually be a table.

I notice you used “disorientation” in the third paragraph and “disoriented” in the sixth. These are unusual and similar words and it might be better to use a synonym for one of them.

Also in the sixth paragraph, I notice this: “Yet on some level she still had to convince herself that he was real. That what they had done was real. No longer was he a figment of her imagination, walking….”The second sentence was actually a fragment and should be connected to the first by a comma or semicolon.

You mentioned “Joe” and before that, you referred to “The boss’s son”. Is this the same person? They seem to serve a similar function. If Joe is 30 years old, his son wouldn’t be working there.

When you describe Kate, you refer to “..hips and tiny waist and the thrust of her tiny breasts that jingled..” Rather than use the word “tiny” twice in the same sentence, you might better describe her waist as “slender”. How do breasts jingle and, if they are tiny, how do they jiggle?

I noticed you spelled “realized” as “realised.” I saw this at least three times. There were some other typos and misspellings that Spellcheck would have caught.

These two paragraphs could be combined into one because the second one seems to be repeating part of the first:

As they pooled around her ankles he kissed her. She clung to him as she felt his tongue touch hers, her breasts crushed against his chest. She whimpered against his mouth as his finger teased the entrance of her dewy gate before sliding up inside of her.

Her nails dug into his shoulders as it began to glide up inside of her, caressing her tight pussy walls until she was writhing on his hand.

After Kate’s panties were taken from her, she apparently worked the rest of her shift and walked home without wearing any. I find this hard to believe. I believe most supermarkets sell cheap panties and she could have bought a pair or swiped one from the shelf.

Did you have to mention the details of her father’s retirement? I doubt that a beer bottle could inflict that serious an injury anyhow, although it could slash.

You referred to “nape of her of her neck.” Besides the typo, that’s redundant. The nape is the back of the neck.

You referred to “her mane” probably excessively.

Some of the sentence structure could be improved, such as this one:
Her lips parted on a silent scream as her tight walls clenched around him as she rippled and shuddered as she lost herself in dark pleasure.

Throughout the story, your paragraphs were almost all short, one or two sentences. I mentioned two paragraphs but I could have said the same about other combinations. I know we try to avoid paragraphs that are too long but you seem to have erred in the other direction and it gives the story a disjointed feel.

What about the two women who accosted and attacked Kate on her way home? What happened to them after that? It seemed as if they would play an important part in the story but they disappeared, unless they are going to return in a future chapter.

Is Kate’s father actually her father? He mentions his unfaithful wife, calls her a slut and a whore and tries to attack her daughter. I got the impression from that incident that Kate is the result of her mother’s affair and that her husband knows it. That might explain his drunkenness and his attacking her and continuing to attack her even though he knew who she was. This was never explored, though. Perhaps her mother has witch blood and had an affair with a man who is a carrier of the gene, and Kate is the result of the affair.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Wishful,

My punishment for taking so long to crank out this crit is having to follow folks like Doc, Penny, and Shanglan. By the time they get finished, about all that’s left to do is say, “Amen,” and pass the collection plate.

In an attempt to give you something both different and a little helpful, I did a fairly detailed edit on the first section, complete with some explanations and possible alternatives. So why, you ask, didn’t I do the entire story? Well, let me tell you, it’s like this. While I did read the entire story, doing just this one section took me about three hours.

All my comments are strictly, subjective, IMHO, type stuff. Sometimes a writer reads a critique as saying, do this, that’s wrong, don’t you know better? If any of my comments come off like that, just consider the source and move on. I’m a firm believer in there being only one unbreakable rule for writing successful, commercial fiction, “Don’t bore the reader.”

Overall, I agree with what everyone else has said, even if they disagree with each other. I like the story and the protag. IMHO, you have a tendency to repeat words, phrases, and beginnings, and to overwrite. But that’s why God, or was it Hemingway, I’m told Papa often got the two mixed up, invented re-writes.

In case I’ve totally confused you with the comment about repeating beginnings, here are the opening words to eighteen of the chapter’s last twenty-two paragraphs.

She lay
He collapsed
Her nails
Her lips
Luc groaned
Her nails
She took
His hand
She brushed
She straddled
She thumped
She whispered
His harsh breathing
Her nails
Her fingers
She whimpered
Her hands
Her hair

That’s the sort of thing that can happen when the muse is upon us poor writers and we’re getting blisters on our fingertips trying to get all the good stuff down before our minds go blank.

Feel free to comment on, complain about, or condemn outright, any of this bilge either here or by PM.

Rumple

--

Title: Vampire Seduction Ch.2
Description: She is helpless against his wicked immortality

Kate worked slowly, stacking tins of canned peaches neatly on the shelves. Each movement made her conscious of the pull between her legs where the stranger had taken her, pushing his hard flesh deep inside of her. (NIT-PICK ONLY BECAUSE FIRST PARAGRAPHS ARE SO DANGED IMPORTANT: THE WORD “HER” IS USED FOUR TIMES IN THE SECOND SENTENCE. JAS: “…THE STRANGER PUSHED HIS HARD FLESH DEEP INSIDE HER.”)

She worked in an isle by herself, something for which she was grateful. She had been late to work, earning a blasting from the boss’s son, and having to make up the time on the late shift. As much as she hated the job, the hours were good and she needed the money.

She continued to work, fighting off the feelings of disorientation and detachment that tried to overwhelm her.(IMHO “THAT TRIED TO OVERWHELM HER” IS A BIT REDUNDANT SINCE SHE’S FIGHTING OFF FEELING OF DISORIENTATION AND DETACHMENT. IF YOU OMIT THAT LAST PHRASE, ALSO OMIT “THE” IN “FIGHTING OFF “THE” FEELINGS”) It was as though she were looking at everything through a thick cloud, making the world seem fuzzy and distanced.

Yet the memory of him, of feeling him on top of her(OMIT “OF HER”), moving inside of(OMIT “OF” her, only seemed to grow(KEPT GROWING?). Her nipples tightened against the starchy cotton shirt with it’s tiny row buttons down the front, and a trickle of moisture seeped between her thighs.

“Stop it,” she told herself, squeezing her eyes shut. Her secret place seemed to pulse with a life and energy of its own, as though the mere thought of him turned her into a shameless wanton who wanted (“WANTON WHO WANTED”? – MIGHT REPLACE “WANTED” WITH ANOTHER TERM SUCH AS DESIRED, CRAVED) nothing more than to spread her legs for the dark stranger.

When she had woken(TRY TO AVOID PAST PERFECT WHENEVER POSSIBLE. IN THIS CASE, OMIT “HAD WOKEN” ADD “WOKE”) that morning, drowsy and disorientated, the scent of him enveloped her where she lay in a tangle of sheets, reminding her that he was no dream. Yet on some level she still had to convince herself that he was real. That what they had done was real. No longer was he a figment of her imagination, walking through her dreams and leaving her aching and breathless when she woke. He was inescapable yet unexplainable. Intangible, yet real flesh and blood.

It was (OMIT “IT WAS”) only when she stared at herself in the (BATHROOM) mirror in the bathroom that morning(OMIT “IN THE BATHROOM THAT MORNING”), did the horror of what had shared her dreams and her bed begin to dawn. Heart racing, her shaky fingers brushed over the tiny pin prick wounds on the side of her neck, over her heart and surrounding her tender rosy nipple.

“Kate, stop day-dreaming, and get back to work!”

Kate jumped, a can falling from her hand to plonk on the grey lino floor.

“You stupid idiot! Now we can’t sell it at full price because you put a dent in it! You brainless-”

Kate stared at Joe with wide eyes before turning back to the shelf, tuning out the rest of his rant. Joe was barely thirty, but looked closer to forty with his belly hanging over his belt, and his round face pale and fleshy(FLESH THAT WAS?) like uncooked dough.

She ignored him and continued to pack the shelves as though in a dream like state. Eventually the words stopped, and she was vaguely conscious of him simply standing there, watching her.

As she reached down to open a new carton, she realised he was still there,(OMIT “SHE…THERE” YOU SAID ABOUT THE SAME THING IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH) and her wide violet eyes flickered to his. A strange expression filled his face, as though he had never seen her before.

She was unaware of the way in which her porcelain skin glowed as though moonlight danced over it, the way her wide violet eyes looked like chips of amethyst and her soft lips like crushed roses. Sparks of gold shot through her long dark blonde hair caught back in a pony tail and hung down her back in a silky rope. Her scratchy uniform of white shirt and pleated navy skirt seemed to cling(OMIT “SEEMED TO CHING” ADD “CLUNG” to her curve(OMIT “HER CURVE” ADD “THE CURVES”) of her bottom and(OMIT “AND” ADD A COMMA) hips and tiny waist and (ADD “ACCENTUATED”?) the thrust of her tiny breasts that jingled (OMIT “THAT JIGGLED” ADD A COMMA THEN “MAKING THEM JIGGLE”) enticingly with her movements (OMIT THE REST) as though it were cut from expensive cloth. (IMHO, THAT LAST SENTENCE NEEDS WORK.)

“I have to go to the bathroom,” she muttered and brushed passed him. She felt as though eyes followed her every movement as she quickly made her way to the staff restroom. Once she glanced up, and caught sight of one of the(OMIT “ONE OF THE” ADD “A”) storemen staring at her intently(OMIT “INTENTLY/INTENSELY”- I’VE PROBABLY USED “STARED INTENSELY” MYSELF. BUT I BELIEVE A STARE IS AN INTENSE LOOK).

When Kate reached the restroom, she locked the door and took a steadying breath. (JAS: SHE LOCKED THE RESTROOM DOOR AND TOOK A STEADYING BREATH.) What was wrong with everyone? Was there a sign stuck to her forehead that read ‘A stranger took my virginity, and I think he was a vampire?’

With shaky fingers she withdrew her(OMIT “HER” ADD “A TUBE OF”) lip gloss from her top pocket and applied it to her lips as she gazed(OMIT “TO HER LIPS AS SHE GAZED” ADD “WHILE GAZING) at herself in the mirror. Two large violet eyes gazed back at her, seeming to dominate (OMIT “GAZED BACK AT HER, SEEMING TO DOMINATE” ADD “DOMINATED”) her pale, heart-shaped face. Unable to look at herself any longer, she put the lid back on the tube(OMIT “LID BACK AN THE TUBE” ADD “LIP GLOSS AWAY”) and turned.

And gave(OMIT “GAVE” ADD “WITH”) a squeak of surprise as she(OMIT “AS SHE”) bumped into what seemed like a brick wall. Two large hands captured her tiny waist and steadied her, and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN A NEW SENTENCE) a familiar heady masculine scent filled her nostrils.

As she struggled to free herself, his hands only tightened on her waist and she felt the hard edge of the basin nudging against her bottom as she was wedged against it by the press of his firm body. (NEEDS WORK)

“Good evening, Katalina,” he murmured against her ear, his warm breath making her flesh goose pimple and her nipples tighten impossibly.(OMIT “IMPOSSIBLY”)

“Leave me alone,” she whispered, pushing against his chest. He brushed back a stray tendril and gently lifted her chin with a finger. She found herself gazing up at him helplessly.

His eyes dropped to her mouth, and she moistened her lips nervously. Her heart thundered in her chest, and her legs trembled. (THIS IS A PURE STYLE ISSUE: THE LAST THREE PARAGRAPHS HAVE SENTENCES ENDING IN “LY” ADVERBS. TO QUOTE STEPHEN KING, “ADVERBS ARE NOT A WRITER’S FRIEND. IN THIS CASE (AND MHO) THEY NOT ONLY WEAKEN THE WRITING, THEY CREATE A SING-SONG EFFECT.

ONE OTHER PEDANTIC POINT. IN THIS SERIES OF PARAGRAPHS, YOU USE THE FOLLOWING TAGS: “HE MURMURED, SHE WHISPERED, SHE BREATHED” AND, “HE MURMURED SILKILY.” MANY, THOUGH NOT ALL, MODERN WRITERS ARE DOWN ON THIS TYPE OF TAG, PREFERRING THE TRADITIONAL “SHE SAID/HE SAID” OR TURNING THE TAG INTO A SENTENCE THAT HELPS WITH THE NARRATIVE.

FOR INSTANCE: “Leave me alone,” she whispered, pushing against his chest.” MIGHT BECOME, “LEAVE ME ALONE.” HER VOICE WAS A WEAK WHISPER. HER EFFORTS TO PUSH HIM AWAY, EVEN WEAKER.)

“What do you want?” she breathed. (STILL ON TAGS, “SHE BREATHED” MIGHT BECOME SOMETHING LIKE: IT WAS LESS A QUESTION THAN A BREATHLESS SIGH OF TOTAL SURRENDER.)

“Do I need to remind you?” he murmured silkily as his head lowered and brushed(LAST TAG TORMENT, HONEST – SOMETIMES THE BEST TAG IS NO TAG AT ALL. YOU MIGHT OMIT “HE MURMURED SILKILY AS HIS HEAD LOWERED AND BRUSHED” THEN BEGIN A NEW SENTENCE.) his lips (ADD “BRUSHED” HERE) softly against the corner of her mouth.

Her knees buckled, and her vision wavered. Her fingers clutched at his shoulders.

“How - how did you get in here?”

“You smell like violets.” His lips brushed (UNLESS MY SEMI-BRILLIANT EARLIER SUGGESTION IS TAKEN, A COUPLE PARAGRAPHS AGO HE “BRUSHED HIS LIPS”) over her brow, her cheeks. His hands slid up to capture her breasts, molding the tiny handfuls to the shape of his palms. (NICE LINE)

“I - I don‘t even know your name,” she choked out desperately as his thigh wedged itself between hers, pressing insistently against the dewy heat of her (WHAT?). She was helpless over the thrall he held her in, her palms flat against his chest, her heart racing.

“Names hold power, little one,” he murmured as his lips trailed over the side of her neck. “What reward will you give to me if I gave that power to you?” (FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH AND IMHO, “LITTLE ONE” WORKS IN THIS SITUATION.)

She felt as though his words wore(TYPO “WERE”) completely insensible, yet at the same time entirely rational. Her lashes fluttered close(AND CLOSED?) as his tongue circled the tiny twin prick points on the side of her neck, (NEW SENTENCE, MAYBE ADD “SHE WAS”)overwhelmed by the power and sensuality of him.

“What would you like?” she murmured breathlessly as he gently pinched her taut nipples, her back arching. Had she really said that?

“Ah,” he murmured, (THERE’S A LOT OF “MURMURED” WORDS) lips twitching as they brushed hers. “I forget how young and innocent you are. To ask me what I would like is to invite the devil to do his worst.”

“Are you the devil?” She knew she should feel alarm at this line of questioning,(WHY?) but she was in awe of his magnificence and strength, drowning in the deep green pools (OF WHAT?).

He chuckled softly, drawing a finger down the side of her face. “Ah, no, little one. Disappointed?”

She shook her head truthfully.

He chuckled softly.(“HE CHUCKLED” TWO PARAGRAPHS EARLIER) “Do you trust me?” he queried as(OMIT “HE QUERIED AS” THE ? MAKES IT REDUNDANT, AND BEGIN A NEW SENTENCE) she felt fingers trail up her(AN) inner thigh. Barely a heartbeat passed before she shook her head again. His lips twitched. “You are wise.”

She trembled as he traced circles on her inner thigh, (IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH, HIS FINGERS WERE TRAILING UP HER INNER THIGH) his piercing green eyes locked with hers. Her lips parted as his thumb lightly stroked the lacy trim of her panties. (JUST A PERSONAL PREFERENCE, BUT IMHO IT’S USUALLY BEST TO GIVE THE CAUSE, THEN THE EFFECT)

She knew she should be fighting him. He had touched and caressed her while she dreamed, stealing her innocence and showing her exquisite pleasure from his possession(OMIT “FROM HIS POSSESSION”). Yet she felt wrapped in his power, his sensuality, unable to resist, unable to look away, the soft pulsing flesh between her thighs melting for(UNDER?) his touch.

She whimpered as fingers slipped beneath the sides of her cotton panties, stroking her with tantalising softness. Tingles of heat flared between her thighs, and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) she offered no resistance as he slowly eased her panties down her hips. Cool air swirled between her thighs (YOU’VE USED “THIGHS” A LOT RECENTLY. MIGHT VARY SOME, EVEN IF IT’S JUST WITH “LEGS”) as he drew her panties lower, tugging them to her knees before letting them go.

As they pooled around her ankles(COMMA) he kissed her. She clung to him as she felt his tongue touch hers, her breasts crushed against his chest. She whimpered against(USED “AGAINST” IN THE LAST SENTENCE) his mouth as his finger teased the entrance of her dewy gate before sliding up inside of her.

Her nails dug into his shoulders as(JAS: OMIT THE FIRST SEVEN WORDS AND COMBINE WITH THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE) it began to glide up inside of her, caressing her tight pussy walls until she was writhing on his hand.

“Please…” she cried, feeling the tension coil unbearably between her thighs, her back arching.(JAS: OMIT “SHE CRIED” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE, “HER BACK ARCHED AS TENSION COILED UNBEARABLY BETWEEN HER THIGHS.”)

She whimpered as his mouth left hers, and(OMIT “AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) before she had even opened(OMIT “HAD EVEN OPENED” ADD “COULD”) her eyes she felt(OMIT “SHE FELT”) his finger ease(D) from her body.

(WHY OMIT “SHE FELT”? THIS STORY IS IN HER POV. THE READER EXPERIENCES THE SAME THINGS SHE DOES. THIS MAKES “SHE FELT” OR “SHE HAD A FEELING” REDUNDANT AND, IMHO, IT ADDS DISTANCE BETWEEN THE READER AND THE ACTION)

She gazed at him in surprise as he stood before her, dark green eyes intent, her torn panties in his hand.(I THOUGHT THEY WERE POOLED AROUND HER FEET.)

She blushed as(OMIT “SHE BLUSHED AS”) she realised what he had done(ADD “AND BLUSHED”), remembering that fleeting moment (ADD “BEFORE HER EYES ADJUSTED TO THE LIGHT,”) when she had(OMIT “HAD”) felt something pull against her ankles (OMIT OR MOVE THE REST OF THE SENTENCE) before her eyes had adjusted to the light.

“Give them back,” she whispered heatedly, trying to calm her hectic breathing. “I have to work.” (I PROMISED NOT TO BUG ANYMORE ABOUT TAGS, BUT I FORGOT ONE THING. THOSE “LY” TAGS HAVE ANOTHER STRIKE AGAINST THEM. THEY ARE A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF TELLING INSTEAD OF SHOWING.)

He merely gave her a lopsided smile before turning and pushing open the door and walking away from her.(JAS: ALL HE GAVE HER WAS A LOPSIDED SMILE. THEN HE TURNED AWAY FROM HER AND PUSHED THE DOOR OPEN.)

“Soon you will come to me, Katalina. Soon.” (COMBINE WITH THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH.)

She gazed after him(TO AVOID “AFTER HIM LONG AFTER” MAYBE OMIT “AFTER HIM” ADD “AT THE DOOR”) long after he had(OMIT “HAD”) disappeared from view, her heart racing.

“Luc,” she tried experimentally. She frowned in confusion when she realized he hadn’t actually spoken the words aloud. (JAS: SHE SPOKE HIS NAME, “LUC,” EXPERIMENTING WITH THE SOUND. THEN SHE FROWNED IN CONFUSION. WHEN HAD HE SPOKEN HIS NAME? – STRICTLY, IMHO, IF SHE’S TO FROWN IN CONFUSION, THAT LAST SENTENCE NEEDS TO BE A QUESTION.)

~*~

 

[wishfulthinking]

Dr M
- “I think that inserting a reference to her father at the start” - very valid point, and I like your suggestion earlier about working the late shift meant she didn’t have to go home to her father.
- “the idea of being attacked by a vampire is just so outlandish that she would doubt her sanity before she’d seriously consider it” - I like this idea! And I’m using it!
- the panty scene has gone - he pulls them back up! Sniff! [pun intended]

Neon
- thanks for the 2 yo /4 yo pick up - some mistakes are forgivable, but I wouldn’t be able to live that one down!
- “I think you are almost guilty of giving us too much, as if you have too many objectives to achieve and I'm ending with too many questions about what exactly is taking place.” This is the reason I posted this story - no plot in chapter 1, and overcompensating in ch .2 - and as you guessed earlier, the original version had a lot more objectives! I need to fine tune it a lot more, and need to decide what is important in this chapter.
- “I'd have probably gone with your version and trusted you to resolve my minor ambiguities as the series unravelled.” - gold medal for you, this is my biggest problem with writing. I seem to only create more ambiguities as stories unfold!

Softie
-” It's daytime? Fluorescent lights probably? What's he doing out and about?” - I’m going to have to spell out that she is on the night shift to avoid this confusion.
- I'd suggest you use his name more often and find ways around saying "he" all the time - very good point.
- “I liked the sense of danger especially in the beginning of the tale. Of course it is replaced by lust as the story continues” - I seem to lose the danger - and don’t want to!!

BL
- “I noticed you spelled “realized” as “realised.” - I suppose it never occurred to you that you spell it the wrong way?
- “I know we try to avoid paragraphs that are too long but you seem to have erred in the other direction and it gives the story a disjointed feel.” - I never realised this was a problem. I will have to be much more careful, as this is my line of work coming through!

Rumple
- “doing just this one section took me about three hours”. Have a drink on me!
- I do repeat words a lot, and unfortunately if you look at my other 19 stories, they suffer from the same sins. I have to find more words I like, otherwise I will eventually get in trouble!
- thanks for the detailed critique!


And a big hug and thank you to everyone

 

[Black Tulip]

Hi Wishful,

My apologies for being too late to contribute anything to you story. I read on another thread that you have already submitted the edited version. I'll read it. I promise. And I will no doubt enjoy it, just as I did part 1.

I am truly sorry.

http://www.johnsgardenrailway.info/images/BevsFlowers/2001/Daffodil-WhiteOrange.jpg

 

[Penelope Street]

Understanding it to intentional, I find the so-called overwriting to have a certain charm. Rather like women that wear clothes that fly in the face of accepted fashion and not only look good in spite of it, but also because of it.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[wishfulthinking]

The revised version is up:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=191428

Again, thank you everyone for your input!!!