Story Discussion: Rumple Foreskin, Main Queue May 21, 06

Rumple Foreskin

The AH Patriarch
Joined
Jan 18, 2002
Posts
11,109
Greetings,

This is an unpublished, 5300-word, group sex (mm/f) story that focuses on a young married couple. The twist is the extra guy has lost a leg. The wife, who has issues with her self-image, admires him but has always been uncomfortable around amputees.

The challege was to make the story hot and light enough for the average Lit reader while conveying the message that beauty is more than physical perfection.

In addition to the usual slings and arrows this story no doubt deserves, any thoughts on how well it meets that challenge, and how it might better do so, would be greatly appreciated.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:

==

It's Ability That Counts
by Rumple Foreskin


Donna Faircloth was energized, turned-on and kneeling on the kitchen floor, giving her husband a surprise blowjob he’d never forget. She’d just come home with her emotions in overdrive after a daylong workshop on conducting group encounter sessions.

Clay had been replacing the cover to the overhead light fixture when she walked in. Though tall enough to do this without a stepladder, he looked like someone being held-up with his arms stretched overhead.

Donna said hello, put her purse on the counter, and reached for his zipper. The cover snapped into place moments before her mouth engulfed his cock. He looked down, his face a mixture of surprise, relief, and pleasure. “That must have been one helluva workshop.”

There was an answering nod and a grunt that sounded a bit like, “Uh, huh,” but the blowjob never stopped.

Clay leaned back against the counter, propped his big hands on the edge, and watched his wife’s short blonde hair swaying to the rhythm of her bobbing head. “You’ll have to tell me all about it, later. Oh, yes. Much, much later.”

That’s just what Donna intended. The workshop, and the incredible instructor, had left her on an emotional high that was a combination of love, happiness, and eroticism. This blowjob was her way of expressing all those feelings.

She loved going down on Clay and took pride in her skill. Learning how to deep throat had been her first anniversary present to him. She never regretted the time it took to master the technique.

Now she used that new talent to take his big cockhead into her throat. With it snugly in place, she rotated her head back and forth, letting its smooth surface rub inside the tight passage. It was a maneuver she developed on her own and something they both loved. The only problem was she liked to tease Clay and postpone his climax. But her rotating throat trick seldom failed to trigger an orgasm.

This time was no exception. With a muffled “Oh, shit!” Clay put his hands behind her head and began pumping in and out of her mouth, then up and down inside her throat. Donna wrapped her arms around his hips and hung on. From now on, she’d let nature and her husband take charge. All she wanted was to enjoy the ride.

The first blast of semen shot down her throat. Then Clay pulled out a bit so the next one filled what little space his cock didn’t already occupy in her mouth. With another thrust, he re-entered her throat and stayed there as the rest of his load emptied directly into her body.

Afterward, they sat on the old, overstuffed couch in their living room, drinking wine, cuddling, and talking about what triggered the incredible series of emotions Donna was still experiencing. “This feeling just kept growing all day. At the end of the training, we did a practice session that ended with everyone holding hands, singing and crying these happy tears. It was all so unreal. But what made it so special was, Reggie, the instructor. He’s a social worker from upstate and leads a lot of these workshops. By the end of the day it was like learning from some guru.”

Clay slipped a hand under Donna’s pullover and unsnapped her bra as she continued. “Reggie’s Italian, and has these deep dark eyes that just seem to unlock your feelings and a smile that makes you feel okay about that. But at first, the only thing I could focus on was his having lost a leg.”

“How’d that happened?” asked Clay, as he stroked one of her breasts.

“A motorcycle accident. Then there was an infection. Now he has no left leg. I mean, none. He doesn’t like to wear his prosthesis; says they’re uncomfortable and that he can get around quicker with what he has left.”

“Sounds like a guy who has his act together.” The pullover landed on the couch followed by the bra.

“Oh, he does.” Donna shook out her hair, then leaned over and nuzzled Clay’s ear. “The thing is, when I first saw him this morning, seeing his pants leg rolled up felt creepy. I know that sounds weird coming from a nurse. But being around people who’ve lost a limb has always bothered me.”

Clay stopped halfway through unzipping her jeans. “Damn good thing it’s just arms and legs, since your husband lost an eye.”

“I didn’t say it was logical. I’ve always been ashamed of feeling that way. Maybe it was because my grandfather lost both legs to diabetes. I was just a kid and never really saw it. But the way my mother and the other women talked…. Anyway, ever since then, seeing someone like that, an amputee, always triggered all those bad feelings I had about my own looks back before you came along.” She smiled, stretched, and lifted her hips, inviting him to finish undressing her.

The invitation was accepted and the jeans hit the floor. “Those feelings never made any sense.” Clay’s hand slid between Donna’s thighs. “After all, something about that cuddly brunette appealed to me.”

“I know. I know. And thanks to you, I like my body a whole more now. You gave me the self-confidence I needed to lose weight and go blonde and get that wax job. But you’re the only one who’s ever seen all of the new Donna. That’s fine, because if anyone else was involved, you know, like before we were married, I’m not sure how I’d react.”

“Well, I know how they’d react. The strong ones would faint; the weak ones keel over dead.” Clay, who had been stroking the smooth skin around Donna’s pussy, slipped a finger inside and caressed her clitoris.

“Ooh, yes. Clay Faircloth, you are so good for my ego.”

“Just telling it like it is. But what’s all this got to do with your one-legged instructor?”

Clay’s finger slipped deeper into her pussy, making speech difficult. “Well, uh, the thing is, by the end of the workshop, Reggie’s having a missing leg, ooh, it just seemed natural. I couldn’t imagine him any other way. It made him almost sexy.”

“Well, they always say it’s ability that counts.” Clay removed his finger and slowly traced the damp tip across her lips. She parted them, let him slip it inside and began to suck. Learning to accept, to enjoy, her own taste was also Clay’s doing.

He studied her face, as if trying to decide something, then removed his finger. “This Reggie sounds like a guy I’d like to meet. Want to invite him over for drinks?”

“You think he’d come?”

“Never can tell. The thing is, with the way you’re feeling, what’s going to happen if he does?”

Donna started to say something, then paused. She and Clay had often discussed a threesome. They’d done that, and a lot more, before getting married. But since then it’d just been the two of them. She’d liked that and been hesitant about opening up their marriage. But just the suggestion that they might have one tonight with Reggie was such an erotic rush she could barely breathe.

“He, he probably has something else planned. It he can come, we’ll just see what happens, I suppose. But you call. I’ve told him all about you.”

Clay reached Reggie in his hotel room. “Reggie? I’m Donna Faircloth’s one-eyed husband, Clay.” There was a pause, then Clay laughed. “Oh, I agree. Two are such a waste. Look, I wanted to thank you for sending her home throwing off her clothes and good vibes.” After another pause, he continued. “And you provide a very fine service, believe me. Anyway, she’s still glowing and I’m feeling pretty good myself. So we were wondering it you’d like to come over for drinks and to check out what you’ve done and maybe, who knows, catch some of those vibes yourself?”

There was some more talk until Clay said, “Great. Looking forward to it,” and hung up. He turned and grinned. “Your guru will be here in thirty minutes.”

Donna thought she’d faint.

Reggie arrived twenty-four minutes later. There were hugs, handshakes, and introductions. He said he loved Sangria and Clay headed for the kitchen. When he came back with three glasses of wine, Donna and Reggie were sitting together on the couch, deep in conversation.

At Clay's urging, Donna had changed into a low-cut, loose fitting, peasant dress. Except for sandals, some jewelry and perfume, she wore nothing else. By the time they were on a second round of wine, everyone was beginning to relax. Clay told how surprised, and gratified, he’d been when a very turned-on Donna came back from the session that afternoon and shared her exuberance in a most personal and enjoyable manner.

As Donna blushed, Reggie laughed and said he was glad that something good had come from the training session. "I'm just sorry I wasn't here to see the results of my work."

Though feeling a bit self-conscious, Donna admitted she’d felt swept away by the intense high. “It’s such a fantastic feeling—more than just a sexual turn-on. That's part of it, no doubt about that. But it's like every part of you is excited and you want to share that energy. So when I came home, I shared it with Clay."

"And I’m so glad you did,” said Clay. “Do you still have that feeling?"

"You bet. It's hard to describe, kinda of a warm, churning sensation. All I know is it makes me feel happy and excited and I loved sharing it with you. It was a little less intense after that, but it’s never gone away. And now, maybe it’s from talking about it with you and Reggie, but I can feel it getting stronger."

"And is wanting to share still part of the feeling?"

She hesitated, not sure about saying ‘yes’ while sitting next to Reggie. But there was no doubt about the answer. Finally, she just nodded.

Reggie gave them a knowing smile. "This has been fun, kids, but I better be leaving. I’m supposed to nurture, not get in the way of, harmonious marital relationships."

"Don't go," said Clay. The only sound in the room was the muted voice of Billie Holiday on the stereo. Reggie and Donna looked at him.

He returned their stares. "Something special happened to Donna today. I don't understand it. But I do understand it’s something she wants, maybe even needs, to share. And, well, this is new for us, but we talked about it and, if you're interested, and she hasn’t changed her mind, we'd like you to stay and be a part of what you started."

Donna bit her lower lip and looked at Clay. "Are you sure?"

"I am. What about you?"

Reggie broke in. "I suppose I should be gallant and still offer to leave. But Donna, you're just too damn cute and I'm way too horny for that. But please, for my sake, don't do this because of my leg. I’d rather leave than--"

“Oh, no.” Donna looked over at Reggie, at his angular body, the penned-up pants leg, his sensitive face with those dark, compassionate eyes. “It’s you—not your leg—you and what happened today and how I feel now.”

She turned back to her husband. “And it’s you, Clay. But there’s just been just the two of us since our wedding. And now, the idea of doing this, it’s exciting, but it’s also scary, and I don’t know what to do.”

He leaned close. "Say, yes. You know we both want this."

A look of relief crossed Donna's face. She let out her breath, gave Clay a deep kiss, then whispered, “Yes.”

After another quick kiss, she turned to her guest with a big smile. "Why Reggie, how can you talk about leaving? What kind of hostess do you think I am? Of course, I want you to stay. And I want to make you feel comfortable and right at home."

She reached over and patted the bulge in khakis. "And judging by this, I'd say you’re a little uncomfortable. So why don't you lean back and let me make you feel welcome?"

Reggie laughed and did as instructed while Donna unzipped his fly, inserted her hand and fished out a very stiff cock. Due to his missing leg, she was able to get extra close to his throbbing cock. As she began to lick the warm, hard shaft, Clay stood and asked if they'd mind his taking a few pictures of the action.

There were no objections. When Clay returned with more wine and a camera, Donna stopped licking Reggie's cock long enough to turn and take a glass. While slowly pumping Reggie's shaft with her other hand, she smiled her thanks at Clay and took a long drink.

"Thanks, I needed that.” She handed the glass back. "You better take care of this. I've got a feeling I'm going to be a little busy from now on."

"Could be,” said Clay. “But according to the paper, this is Nude Day. Seems to me it’s past time you got undressed for the occasion."

Donna’s stomach knotted with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Clay helped her stand. After a long, reassuring kiss, he turned her to face Reggie. With teasing slowness, he slipped the dress off her shoulders. Unable to meet Reggie’s stare, Donna closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on not hyperventilating.

She felt her erect nipples spring back as Clay pulled the tight, elasticized neckline over them. With the dress top bunched around her waist, there was a brief pause, then she felt it being pushed over her hips and then cascading down her legs.

There was a gasp and she opened her eyes. Reggie was staring, slack-jawed at her smooth, hairless pussy. That gasp, that stare, made all the dieting, all the exercising, even the wax job, more than worthwhile.

Clay slid his hands around Donna’s body, cupped and squeezed her breasts, then nuzzled her neck. "I'm afraid our company is being neglected and you are the hostess with the mostest."

With Clay's help, she stepped out of her dress and knelt in front of the wide-eyed Reggie. "Now where was I?" Her fingers encircled his throbbing shaft.

"Was I here?” She leaned forward and licked Reggie's flared cockhead.

"Or was I here?” This time she ran the tip of her tongue through his dark curly pubic hairs.

"Maybe I was here.” She began licking up and down the length of the swollen shaft.

Donna gave Reggie a mischievous grin, then looked over at Clay and winked. “I just can’t be sure. So maybe I better pay attention to all of him.“

The thought of seeing, touching, tasting Reggie’s nude body thrilled her. That it had only one leg was now just a minor curiosity.

The belt buckle quickly yielded to Donna’s fingers. “Are you sure?” asked Reggie. When she nodded, he ripped off his t-shirt and lifted his hips to help her remove his pants. The sight of just one leg coming out of his boxers halted her for a moment. Then she reached for the waistband and yanked.

There was no stump; just a patch of tight skin where a leg should have started. It seemed in perfect harmony with Reggie’s lean, tan, well-toned physique. “Oh, my God, your body is so beautiful.”

She looked up into his dark, kind eyes, then leaned over and gently kissed the spot. “And this is part of you, maybe part of why you’re so good at helping others. But you’re so much more.”

She kissed the spot again, then licked and nibbled her way up to his chest where, much to Reggie’s surprise, she began to suck on one of his nipples. He let out a shout and almost jumped off the couch. The sudden motion separated her mouth from his very sensitive nipple. For just a moment they looked at one another, then she straddled his remaining leg and pressed her mouth against his.

It was a long, deep, satisfying kiss. As their tongues performed a slow, liquid tango, Reggie’s hands stroked her trim, compact body before homing in on her bottom. His teeth took possession of her lower lip and she yielded willingly, running her hands through his short dark hair, pulling his face closer, letting him have even more of her.

When their mouths parted, Donna raised up, cupped a breast in each hand and offered them as a replacement for her lower lip. He accepted eagerly, sucking the creamy flesh deep into his mouth before pulling back until his teeth could capture, and then tantalize, the hard nipple.

He seemed to sense whenever the pleasure/pain threshold was approaching and would switch breasts, leaving the wet, unattended nipple throbbing impatiently while he serviced its mate. The sensations were so exquisite, so intense, she was soon on the brink of an orgasm. When a fingertip slipped between the cheeks of her bottom and touched her pussy, she rocketed far beyond the brink.

The climax claimed her body and mind. An explosion of pure sexual energy enveloped her. With a cry of animal joy she wrapped her arms around Reggie’s head and pushed her breast deeper into his mouth. Each time her passion began to ebb, he would stroke her pussy and trigger another blast of passion.

Only when the orgasms had consumed all her strength did Reggie relent and let her melt down his chest and onto the couch. She rested her head on his leg, and savored the tingling in her body.

Thanks to youth and some more wine, she soon began to revive. It was past time, she decided, for her guest to get off, but only after she got a little revenge. Like the rest of him, Reggie’s cock was long, lean, and hard. Rolling over on her stomach, Donna propped her forearms on his well-muscled leg and wrapped her lips around his dark, swollen cockhead. With one slow, erotic motion, she took it deep into the back of her mouth, then following a slight push, down her throat.

It was a comfortable position that let her contentedly suck on her prize while pushing Reggie toward that erotic brink she’d recently occupied. But each time he started to come, she ease off until he was begging for mercy.

Donna ignored his pleas, knowing this sort of teasing would increase the pleasure he felt when he did come. And she fully intended to give him some relief, sooner or later. But for the time being, she was enjoying being in control and wanted to prolong the act.

It was, she decided, time for her husband to join in the fun. As Reggie once again moaned and begged for relief, she paused. “Okay Clay, since you claim this is Nude Day, you need to get with the program. Strip big boy and sit on the other side of Reggie.”

Getting the men into the alignment she wanted involved some good-natured kidding and a bit of maneuvering. But thanks to Reggie's amputation, she was able to get the two cocks together, then cram both into her mouth and begin giving the two men simultaneous blowjobs.

Taking hold of each cock at its base, she would suck on both heads at the same time. Then she'd remove one of the cocks and pump on it with her hand while taking the other deep into her mouth. After running her lips up and down that shaft, she'd make a quick switch over to the other cock, give it equal treatment, then repeat the process.

What Donna wanted was both men to come at the same time. And she almost got her wish. Reggie was more than ready to explode. The trick was keeping him that way while getting Clay in the same condition. The latter was no challenge.

Both were soon begging for relief. Although Donna eased them back from the brink a couple of times, she knew it would be cruel to keep denying them, especially the long suffering Reggie, the orgasm both men so obviously needed. Besides, her jaw was getting tired. Her redoubled efforts produced quick results.

"Oh, yes! Oh god, yes!" It was Reggie. His body lurched up as the first blast of his salty cum surged into Donna’s mouth. Moments later, it was joined by the familiar taste of her husband’s smooth semen.

The slick cream soon filled her mouth. She struggled to swallow it all and keep both cockheads in place, but there was just too much. Despite her best efforts, cum started pouring out and was soon smeared over her face and hands.

With her fingers now coated, it became impossible to keep the slippery heads of the two writhing cocks inside her mouth. When Reggie's popped out, all Donna could do was aim the head away from her eyes.

Reggie’s stiff cock continued to jerk in her hand as it spurted cum onto her right breast. Realizing what was happening, Donna gave up trying to contain the men’s ocean of cum. She removed Clay's gushing cock from her mouth, and pointed it toward her other breast. Cum soon covered both even as more splashed against her erect, sensitive nipples.

It seemed like a long time before the force of the men's ejaculation began to subside. Donna placed the still erect cocks back in her mouth and gently sucked until the flow had stopped and the men were begging her to stop.

After Clay took a few pictures of Donna’s breasts in all their cum covered glory, she told the two men to play with themselves while she took a quick shower. After drying off, she reached for her favorite loungewear, one of Clay’s soft work shirts. Then she recalled him saying it was Nude Day and changed her mind. After redoing her make-up, she walked barefooted back into the living room wearing her engagement and wedding rings, and a smile.

The men were still naked and sitting on the couch studying Clay’s pictures. Two tall, good-looking men and, for now, both were all hers. It was an exciting thought, but reminded her that while she’d gotten off, she hadn’t gotten laid and was very horny.

Reggie was the first to notice her bare-bottom entrance. “Now that’s what I call a fashion statement.” She grinned at the compliment, then wedged in between them and tried to help decide which pictures were best. Some were hot, but nothing in comparison to how she was feeling.

“I’ll go print these,” said Clay, after the final selections were make. “You two find something to keep yourselves occupied while I’m gone.”

They promised to do their best and were soon entwined on the living room carpet in a sixty-nine. Donna loved sucking on Reggie’s cock and taking its big head deep inside her throat. But his talented, tireless tongue was an erotic wonder that made it hard to concentrate and quickly brought her to a shattering climax.

Before she had time to recover, Reggie rolled her off him and onto her back. The glint in his eyes left no doubt what he wanted. She smiled, spread her legs and helped him get in position between them, then guided his hard cock toward her well-licked pussy. With one powerful thrust, the entire length plunged into Donna’s body. It felt so good, and soon had her speeding toward another climax.

Reggie drove into her with deep, violent thrusts. As her orgasm struck, she shuddered, wrapped her arms around his body and arched her hips up to meet him. Seconds later, she heard a groan and felt warm cum filling her pussy.

Later, everyone agreed that a real threesome was mandatory if they wanted to share Donna's energy to the fullest. After a little discussion, Reggie stretched out on the floor while Donna knelt between his legs and began sucking on his limp cock. Clay, who’d had more time to recover, moved in behind her and began fucking her doggie style.

It wasn't long before Reggie was again rock hard and ready. Meanwhile, Donna felt soft and yielding and every bit as ready. This was due in no small part to Clay's big, driving cock which had already triggered a powerful climax and was now pushing her toward another one.

It was great, and left her flushed, trembling, and anxious for more. Donna scooted forward until she was straddling Reggie’s waist, then she slipped her pussy over the big cockhead and slid down his long cock.

While all this was going on, Clay slipped a cum-coated finger into her tight anus. Taking his time, he stretched the tiny opening wide enough to receive three fingers. All the while, Donna and Reggie continued to fuck.

Although Clay had taught her a lot, she had introduced him to anal sex. He’d been a quick study and she trusted him completely. To now feel his fingers pushing against Reggie's cock was mind-blowing.

The thought of what would soon happen was both exciting and scary. Taking two men at the same time, one in her pussy, the other in her bottom, was something she’d always wanted to try. But with it now about to become a reality, the nurse in her worried something might go wrong.

There was more pain than usual when Clay first entered her. But once he was inside, it was all pleasure. After some trial and error, the three lovers became as one, with the two men alternating their strokes so that a hard cock was always plunging deep inside Donna.

The pace gradually picked up until the men were pounding into her with fast, powerful strokes. The feel of two hard cocks slamming in and out of her body trigger wave after wave of sexual pleasure. She responded with one shattering orgasm after another.

All sense of time was lost. For the three of them, there was no place but this room, this floor, and this lover’s knot. Through her erotic haze, Donna could feel the two cock filling her body, thrusting back and forth.

Reggie’s eyes were closed; his mouth open. She kissed him, and they began slipping their tongues in and out of each other’s mouth in perfect rhythm to his thrusts.

Clay shifted. The new position let him drive even further inside her. It felt fantastic and she pushed back in response. Her reward was a deep groan. With one last, furious thrust, Clay reached new depths in her bowels before filling it with his hot cum.

When they separated a few minutes later, Donna realized Reggie hadn't come. "I thought you came when Clay did," she said, staring at Reggie's stiff member.

"Afraid not. But I enjoyed it all the same. That might be as close as I’ll ever get to what you and Clay were doing. It's something I've always wanted to try. But with only one leg, just getting in position would be a challenge, not to mention staying there. That’s assuming, of course, I ever found someone willing to try it with me."

That was all Donna and Clay needed. She said if they could figure out a way, she'd be more than willing to provide the means. After some discussion, they decided if Donna leaned over the couch seat, some chairs could be arranged in such a way Reggie could support himself while kneeling behind and, most importantly, driving his still hard cock into her willing ass.

Once everyone was in position, Reggie carefully placed the tip his big cockhead against Donna’s stretched and well-lubricated opening. Assured she was ready, he entered her with a gentle push. After pausing to savor the feeling, he caressed and spread the cheeks of her bottom and then slowly shoved his cock in deeper and deeper, taking his time, enjoying the new experience.

When the last of his long shaft had vanished into Donna’s bottom, Reggie paused and watched her sucking on Clay’s limp cock. It made him smile. “Thank you Donna, you and Clay. Thanks for both for giving me my fantasy.”

The young couple looked at Reggie. “No thanks needed,” said Clay.

“That’s right,” said Donna, whose face looked flushed, and very happy. “You’re giving us our fantasy.”

She turned her head back around sucked the full length of Clay’s limber cock into her mouth while squeezing on the hard one of Reggie. Both men groaned with pleasure. Shifting his position slightly, Reggie began pumping in and out. At first he used short, slow, careful strokes, but was soon pounding away with rapid, energetic thrusts.

As Donna continued to suck Clay's dick back to life, she grunted with pleasure as Reggie kept up his assault. And it was surprising just how good that assault felt, especially after having Clay’s thicker shaft back there while Reggie was in her pussy.

But Reggie's energetic efforts soon had her on the verge of yet another climax. By now, Clay’s cock was fully erect and ready for service for servicing. But Donna knew it wasn’t safe to keep it between her teeth. Reluctantly, she let the hard cock slip from between her lips, as her stomach churned with excitement and her body shook from Reggie’s thrusts. He began breathing heavily, then just as the orgasm flashed through her body, he made one last lunge and began adding his cum to that left by her husband.

It seemed like a long time before his body quit shuddering and he slumped down to the floor in spent, satisfied, exhaustion. At first, Donna remained motionless, enjoying the tingling sensation in her rear. Then she looked up and smiled at Clay before turning her head around to check on Reggie.

For just a moment they all looked at one another, then Reggie smiled at Clay. "I've done all I can do. Hell, I've done more than I can do and everything I ever wanted to do. So I guess it's up to you to finish her off, pardner. If y’all like, I'll be glad to take pictures of the two of you getting’ it on."

Donna and Clay laughed and agreed. Reggie took photos while they made love. They took turns going down on one another then got into a sixty-nine. Next Donna rode Clay until she climaxed before they finished off with a glorious missionary style fuck. In the end, Donna's legs were resting on Clay's shoulders as he drove his cock into her with deep, hard thrusts.

The orgasm caught Donna by surprise. She let out a cry of release and pleasure as her pussy clamped around Clay's shaft and her juices flooded over his balls. That triggered Clay's own orgasm. With a last mighty lunge, he hammered into Donna. She arched up to meet him. The hard, unyielding cock slammed into her throbbing pussy and a last load of semen exploded into her trembling body.

They cleaned-up and dressed, then exchanged phone numbers and talked about the next time Reggie would be in town. Clay suggested that, as a going away present, he take a last photo of Donna and Reggie that might be a bit suggestive but still suitable for public viewing.

The result was a sensuous shot of a shirtless Reggie sitting on the couch with Donna in her peasant dress stretched out on her back beside him. Her legs and shoulders were bare; her head rested in his lap. On her face was a very contended smile.

Two copies were printed. On Reggie’s, Donna signed, "It really is ability that counts. Thanks for a Nude Day I’ll never forget."
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Rumple Foreskin said:
The challege was to make the story hot and light enough for the average Lit reader while conveying the message that beauty is more than physical perfection.

In addition to the usual slings and arrows this story no doubt deserves, any thoughts on how well it meets that challenge, and how it might better do so, would be greatly appreciated.
I applaud the message you are trying to deliver, Rumple Foreskin.

To be honest, though, your story projects the exact opposite message as it relates to women.

Rumple Foreskin said:
“I know. I know. And thanks to you, I like my body a whole more now. You gave me the self-confidence I needed to lose weight and go blonde and get that wax job.”
Rumple Foreskin said:
There was a gasp and she opened her eyes. Reggie was staring, slack-jawed at her smooth, hairless pussy. That gasp, that stare, made all the dieting, all the exercising, even the wax job, more than worthwhile.
Perhaps this was not your intent, but these excerpts seem to support the Barbie ideal for women. They raise questions in my mind, such as..... wouldn't self-confidence, generated by his love for the "cuddly brunette", translate into her ability to appreciate the beauty of her natural brown hair? :confused:

I am not saying that it is bad to appreciate the beauty of slender, well-toned, blonde women with hairless bodies. I understand why that ideal is appealing to men. :) My only point is that your support for this ideal is at odds with the stated goal of your story.

As for the message in relation to the male amputee, I think you did a nice job describing his skill with his mouth, etc. However, it might make him look less like a victim or charity case if he is less passive in the sex scenes. [You should probably take my comment here with a grain of salt, though. It could just be reflective of my preference for sexually aggressive men. ;) ]

A final, technical note. Either this woman has an enormous mouth, or the two guys are..... errrrrmmm.... nevermind. :eek:

Respectfully,
Alice
 
Alice,

Your point about Donna's "Barbie" fixation is a good one. Story-wise, I wanted the group session and then seeing Reggie in the nude to be the catalysts for her new awareness. Therefore, she needed to still have the "perfection" hang-up" at the beginning.

I've toyed with the idea of giving her a physical blemish she's still hung-up about, perhaps a scar from a childhood appendectomy. Before returning to the men after cleaning up from the first round of sex, she would almost instinctively prepare to distract attention away from it by wearing one of her husband's shirts unbuttoned. But with the reassurance of Reggie's reaction fresh in her mind, she decides that like his missing leg, that scar is part of her, and walks back to them totally nude.

So why haven't I done that? My worry is/was it would add too much complication to the plot of short story. As is, there's always the possibility she may make the logical leap I mentioned above in the days to come. But I am open to counter-suggestions.

Many thanks, Alice.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
This is an unpublished, 5300-word, group sex (mm/f) story that focuses on a young married couple. The twist is the extra guy has lost a leg. The wife, who has issues with her self-image, admires him but has always been uncomfortable around amputees.

The challege was to make the story hot and light enough for the average Lit reader while conveying the message that beauty is more than physical perfection.

In addition to the usual slings and arrows this story no doubt deserves, any thoughts on how well it meets that challenge, and how it might better do so, would be greatly appreciated.

Rumple - if you hadn't thrown in the questions, I'd have no real issue with a hot story including the twist of an amputee. So... did you miss your target?

You have three people at the peak of physical perfection, sexually. One modified by accident (missing leg), one by design (diet and depilation), Clay is 'perfect' in every way. Your dynamic is less to do with 'group' and more to do with the Donna/Reggie relationship. But... first, consider this:

The invitation was accepted and the jeans hit the floor. “Those feelings never made any sense.” Clay’s hand slid between Donna’s thighs. “After all, something about that cuddly brunette appealed to me.”

“I know. I know. And thanks to you, I like my body a whole lot more now. You gave me the self-confidence I needed to lose weight and go blonde and get that wax job. But you’re the only one who’s ever seen all of the new Donna. That’s fine, because if anyone else was involved, you know, like before we were married, I’m not sure how I’d react.”

Who changed who here? And why?

You establish they were into group sex before marriage, so why the changes to lifestyle and physical appearance? If pre-marital group sex was a prop for a fragile self-confidence, subsequently found as she changed her physical appearance, why the need to return to a three-way? (Other than the physical need.)

I’m not sure how I’d react. are the key words which throw me off kilter. They suggest possible embarrassment of her 'new' appearance, not excitement at displaying her new found confidence through her body; and strike me as at odds with sharing her 'old' body through group sex. This is an adventurous girl, prepared to learn, to give and to receive - she ought be less concerned with her physical appearence (because she has self-confidence) and more excited by the idea of sex with an amputee.

And there is the nub (for me). The missing leg plays no part in the mental game or the sex other than by its absence. In fact Reggie seems completely oblivious to his missing leg - which is fine in its own way - but surely even Reggie, self-contained as he is, is stimulated by the notion that an attractive girl is possibly turned on by what is missing rather than what is present. Playing the self pity card But please, for my sake, don't do this because of my leg. I’d rather leave than-- doesn't work for me. Hell, if I had a leg missing, I'd make it work for me. What is Reggie thinking when this pretty girl says she wants to fuck him?

The thought of seeing, touching, tasting Reggie’s nude body thrilled her. That it had only one leg was now just a minor curiosity.

The belt buckle quickly yielded to Donna’s fingers. “Are you sure?” asked Reggie. When she nodded, he ripped off his t-shirt and lifted his hips to help her remove his pants. The sight of just one leg coming out of his boxers halted her for a moment. Then she reached for the waistband and yanked.

There was no stump; just a patch of tight skin where a leg should have started. It seemed in perfect harmony with Reggie’s lean, tan, well-toned physique. “Oh, my God, your body is so beautiful.”

She looked up into his dark, kind eyes, then leaned over and gently kissed the spot. “And this is part of you, maybe part of why you’re so good at helping others. But you’re so much more.”

'minor curiosity'? You sure?
“Oh, my God, your body is so beautiful.” Gulp... where is the quiver of excitement, the apprehension of what she might find, the dose of realism projected through her imagined musing on her Grandfathers amputations?
She looked up into his dark, kind eyes, then leaned over and gently kissed the spot. Is Reggie really so self assured that he looks with kindness and not with apprehension at what Donna might find? Is she not curious about what he feels when she touches him there?

I don't think you can simply say 'your body is beautiful' and get away with that if you want to tackle the "beauty beyond physical imperfection" question you raise. If you hadn't raised the question... then it is, as I said, a hot sexy story. To get beyond the physical imperfection there has to be more than a beautifully missing leg.

Just my 2-penny-worth.
 
Malachiteink's Critiques

Mal had been critiquing my story by PM. Her comments were frank, well-considred, and helpful. Pure suggested they be posted here so everyone could have a look. So with her permission, I'm posting her original critique plus some edited back-and-forth comments between us.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:

==

MAL: I always have a very difficult time critiquing other's writing. First, I am very, very picky and rather hard to please. I don't say I have any ground to stand on, or that my own writing is somehow superior, but I am often too impatient with other people who may write in a style that doesn't suit me. Remember, please, that my opinion is only and exactly as good as you think it is, and no more. If I seem brutal, it's because I'm not exactly sure where your limits are. If I seem too soft, it's the same reason.

Since you didn't ask me to edit, I'll just give you First Reader impressions.

Honest First Bad Thing -- I got bored midstream and began skipping ahead to see what would happen. I went back several times to read what I had skipped and found myself skipping again.

Honest First Good Thing -- nice opening scene. "Held Up" in terms of being robbed isn't usually hyphenated (and I said I wouldn't edit!). Could be a little lighter in tone, worked more for comedy, but it works nicely enough.

First Serious Problem -- Donna's "hang up" is more a said thing than a shown thing. (Is this story part of an ongoing thing? What's the point in Clay having a missing eye? It seemed a little tossed in). I didn't believe her, honestly, for all her rationale about being put off by an amputation. The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, so to speak. Her problem is actually very small and very easily solved. She's too eager to talk about it, too easily persuaded. Maybe Reggie is too perfect and too influencial for the situation you are trying to create. What exactly does Donna feel about amputees? What are her experiences? The convenience of her explanation doesn't mesh with the idea that it's a problem. It's more of a quirk or a simple lack of experience and knowledge, on par with never having eaten calimari or escargot -- take a bite, get it over, like it or don't, nothing really changes in your life.

Second thing is a personal hang up -- short, jerky paragraphs. Often I felt you hadn't finished with an idea or a speaker, but you were off to another paragraph. This broke the flow for me. Not every paragraph needs to be Faulknerian, but keeping ideas tied together is something I like. (this might be a side effect of Lit's narrow typing window. You may feel like a paraphragh is going on too long. Ignore format.)

You are good at "showing" the sex, but your characters do a lot of explanitory talking. Dialog is stiff and didn't ring true, which made it hard for me to accept what they said. You did achieve a natural flow from time to time, so I think perhaps you are trying to use the characters to explain things to the reader because you worry the reader isn't going to "get it." Often I felt like the narrative was repeating or underlining what characters had said. This was part of what lost my interest.

Now that your ego is soundly bruised, I'll give you some good stuff You are a competent writer, obviously far above average in your ability to convey ideas in the written word. That's a damned rare thing on this site, and I applaud you for that. You ask honest questions and seem able to appraise your writing with a reasonably unbiased eye, which is also a laudable trait. I didn't turn screaming from the pages you'd written nor read the first paragraph and start laughing and/or wincing. This is a compliment because, on average, I can't finish a story I find on Lit. While I skipped a bit, I did read to the end.

You are writing in a genre that uses a lot of formulas, for readers who expect certain things to happen a certain way. This can be restricting, since you are trying to do a thing in this story that breaks conventions of the genre. We know going in that Someone Is Getting Fucked. That's the goal of the story. This is Sex for Fun. If you were writing a story purely to your own tastes and turn on, then nothing I have to say would be worthwhile. But I think you are writing beyond the standard of a personal stroke story, and you are entering the realm of erotic literature, which has a much higher standard than your average stroke material. While the goal might purport to be getting a reader hot, you are also trying to engage brain processes that circle regions other than the gonads.

That's hard work. You aren't doing what's easy, which you could.

There, that's enough said, I think. I hope you find something useful and don't just feel beaten on. There are other things I could point out in a close, hardnosed edit, but I don't know that the story is ready for that level of critique.

And if you want revenge on me at any time, I can always throw one of my stories at you and let you hack at it

==

RF: You do a great job. Don’t’ run your efforts down, I’ll take care of that.

My only real fuss is your not being a bit more specific about where boredom set in and skipping started. As someone who tries to follow Elmore Leonard’s advise to, “Leave out the parts readers skip,” I’d like to go over the sleep inducing sections.

MAL: My attention wandered, specifically, when she began going on and on and on and on about this lifechanging guru who nevertheless ooked her because his leg was missing yet she was so engaged in his every word. My experience is (and this is my interpretation entirely, which is what I'm bringing to the story) that when someone has a hang-up, it gets in the way of other stuff. It felt a little like she was saying "Oh, and my greatest fear in the world is big hairy spiders and he had this big hairy pet spider crawling all over him but I really didn't notice so much once he started talking." My ability to believe her dried up about then. I found it hard to be interested in her, since I already had the story in my hands. There was no mystery to draw me on, nothing to wonder about. I knew at that point that 1) amputee guy was going to come over 2) she was going to have sex with amputee guy 3) all would be well. Yes, I know, this is an erotic story and the ending is sort of built in, but even a pretense of doubt would have worked. That's what makes a story interesting -- that the character wants something and there is doubt he/she will get it, even a strong change he/she might NOT get it. Once I had the whole story in my hands, right there in the beginning, there was nothing to read for except details on the sex, which, frankly, weren't enough to pull me forward.

--

MAL: First Serious Problem -- Donna's "hang up" is more a said thing than a shown thing. (Is this story part of an ongoing thing? What's the point in Clay having a missing eye? It seemed a little tossed in).

RF: I’ve used the characters before, but the story is meant to be stand-alone. Clay having one eye was used to further show the illogic of her feelings and to give him something to spark their discussion and later allow him a quick bonding with Reggie.

MAL: I see the reasons for it but as a stand alone story, you might want to toss it in a little more subtly. Maybe when she's giving him the blow job, he closed his one eye, whatever -- just sneak it in rather than an overhand lob. It's a little obvious for my taste. It's an observable fact that can be introduced to the reader without using a laundry list, since he's going to be reacting all over the place to a blowjob and stuff with his eyes would make perfect sense.

--

MAL: I didn't believe her, honestly, for all her rationale about being put off by an amputation. The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, so to speak. Her problem is actually very small and very easily solved. She's too eager to talk about it, too easily persuaded. Maybe Reggie is too perfect and too influencial for the situation you are trying to create. What exactly does Donna feel about amputees? What are her experiences? The convenience of her explanation doesn't mesh with the idea that it's a problem. It's more of a quirk or a simple lack of experience and knowledge, on par with never having eaten calimari or escargot -- take a bite, get it over, like it or don't, nothing really changes in your life.

RF: No argument, except to point out that Donna is young and, in many ways, naïve. With luck, she’ll learn. To delve more into her background would run the very real risk, at least for a writer of my skill level, of shifting the pace into low gear with non-erotic back-story. As for her lying, IMHO, most folks do, especially to themselves.

MAL: I'll agree with the young and naive part. I don't think more of her background is needed at all -- in fact, what's there almost seems too much. What I want is to SEE her react rather than hear her talk about it. I'd like to WITNESS her conflicted feelings -- that she's attracted to this guy but he has this one thing that just plain plays with her head. Even if we call her feelings just an aversion, then she's adverse -- it is the unknown and it puts her off. She's going to get less from someone to whom she has an aversion because she's going to be dealing with it and her reactions to it. Maybe the seminar was run by two people and she got a lot of her info from the other person

Irrational fears are, of course, irrational, but they tend to be consistant within themselves. If I'm scared of spiders, I'm scared of most if not all spiders. If my fear is severe or phobic, I'm upset over the mere mention of spiders, pictures of spiders, spider shaped toys. I'll shiver, I won't want to talk about it. Lesser amounts of fear, lesser amounts of reaction -- but there is reaction. Donna has a "fake" reaction. She tells us -- or rather the narrator of the story tells us through her. I don't want to be told, I want to SEE. I want to SEE her try to cover up her reaction and her conflict, then try to talk it out.

Again, her feelings about the amputation seem minor, almost irrelevant, to the point you are trying to make. I'd almost be more likely to accept that she's turned on by amputees because, in her mind, it's exotic and kinky.

It all goes back to that tension over how the story will end. There wasn't any for me. And I read stories (and watch movies) over and over again, so I can and do suspend my belief/knowledge of a story to enjoy it. But there was no room for me to wonder what was going to happen.

Those stories I referenced for you all had that kind of tension. The question was not "Is this character going to have sex" -- although sometimes that was an issue -- but some other question existed that was more important and more engaging. You are going for that level of story here.

--

MAL: Second thing is a personal hang up -- short, jerky paragraphs. Often I felt you hadn't finished with an idea or a speaker, but you were off to another paragraph. This broke the flow for me. Not every paragraph needs to be Faulknerian, but keeping ideas tied together is something I like. (this might be a side effect of Lit's narrow typing window. You may feel like a paraphragh is going on too long. Ignore format.)

RF: As someone who has visited Faulkner’s home on Pirates Alley in New Orleans and has even read “Soldiers Pay” and “Mosquitoes” I understand where you’re coming from.

However, I’ll also admit to having read about everything Hemingway wrote. When it comes to sentence structure and paragraph length, I tend to follow the latter. (pragmatic note: Hemingway had six bestsellers, Faulkner one) That’s also the style most modern agents and editors seem to prefer. And for work that will primarily be read on computer monitors, short tends to work better than long.

MAL: We can argue until the cows come home on this I cannot stand Hemmingway. I love Raymond Chandler and Jane Austen (not known for her compact writing style). As I said, it's taste. And I don't quite buy the other arguments, either, judging from the reading I do. I try to read each year the various "best of" anthologies full of short stories plucked from the best magazines, including each years erotica anthologies (most of which appear online rather than in print media).

There's no point in arguing matters of taste, however. We may agree to disagree -- toMAYto, toMAHto, still tastes good in a salad!

--

MAL: You are good at "showing" the sex, but your characters do a lot of explanitory talking. Dialog is stiff and didn't ring true, which made it hard for me to accept what they said. You did achieve a natural flow from time to time, so I think perhaps you are trying to use the characters to explain things to the reader because you worry the reader isn't going to "get it." Often I felt like the narrative was repeating or underlining what characters had said. This was part of what lost my interest.

RF: I usually get pats on my little pointy head for dialogue, so your observation will get me into review/re-write mode. If my dialogue doesn’t work, odds are the story won’t.

MAL: That's one I usually get kudos for as well (plot, theme, characterization -- not so much. BUT my characters can TALK nice ) If it helps at all, check some of my stories for how I do dialog, and maybe that will show you what I'm trying to explain -- or, again, we might just have different styles here. I spend a lot of time on dialog and character voice. My goal is to be able to pull a conversation out of a story, remove all the attributions, and still have a reader know who is speaking the lines.
 
Last edited:
neonlyte said:
Rumple - if you hadn't thrown in the questions, I'd have no real issue with a hot story including the twist of an amputee. So... did you miss your target?

You have three people at the peak of physical perfection, sexually. One modified by accident (missing leg), one by design (diet and depilation), Clay is 'perfect' in every way. Your dynamic is less to do with 'group' and more to do with the Donna/Reggie relationship. But... first, consider this:



Who changed who here? And why?

You establish they were into group sex before marriage, so why the changes to lifestyle and physical appearance? If pre-marital group sex was a prop for a fragile self-confidence, subsequently found as she changed her physical appearance, why the need to return to a three-way? (Other than the physical need.)

I’m not sure how I’d react. are the key words which throw me off kilter. They suggest possible embarrassment of her 'new' appearance, not excitement at displaying her new found confidence through her body; and strike me as at odds with sharing her 'old' body through group sex. This is an adventurous girl, prepared to learn, to give and to receive - she ought be less concerned with her physical appearence (because she has self-confidence) and more excited by the idea of sex with an amputee.

And there is the nub (for me). The missing leg plays no part in the mental game or the sex other than by its absence. In fact Reggie seems completely oblivious to his missing leg - which is fine in its own way - but surely even Reggie, self-contained as he is, is stimulated by the notion that an attractive girl is possibly turned on by what is missing rather than what is present. Playing the self pity card But please, for my sake, don't do this because of my leg. I’d rather leave than-- doesn't work for me. Hell, if I had a leg missing, I'd make it work for me. What is Reggie thinking when this pretty girl says she wants to fuck him?



'minor curiosity'? You sure?
“Oh, my God, your body is so beautiful.” Gulp... where is the quiver of excitement, the apprehension of what she might find, the dose of realism projected through her imagined musing on her Grandfathers amputations?
She looked up into his dark, kind eyes, then leaned over and gently kissed the spot. Is Reggie really so self assured that he looks with kindness and not with apprehension at what Donna might find? Is she not curious about what he feels when she touches him there?

I don't think you can simply say 'your body is beautiful' and get away with that if you want to tackle the "beauty beyond physical imperfection" question you raise. If you hadn't raised the question... then it is, as I said, a hot sexy story. To get beyond the physical imperfection there has to be more than a beautifully missing leg.

Just my 2-penny-worth.
Good points, Neon. Just the type of input I was hoping for. At the moment, I'm not sure what I'll do during the rewrite. I'm going to wait and see if any others want a turn at bat before I start tinkering next week.

One of the things I'll have to cogitate over is how prominent a role to give Reggie's missing leg. My worry has always been that I might inadvertently turn this into a quasi-fetish story about sex with a gimp. I hoped to give readers enough info to let them "see" w/o being told, that Reggie, who is a social worker and counselor, is a bit older and more worldly than the couple.

Your point about the couple's pre-maritial sex life was also a good one. My thought was to take away some of the "hey, this is our first three-way" rush but I can see where it could confuse readers.

Many thanks for your time, trouble, and help.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Okay, I have made a point NOT to read the other posts just yet. I hope like hell I don't offend you, hon. I love your stories. Here goes:

Rumple Foreskin said:
<snip>
It's Ability That Counts
by Rumple Foreskin


Donna Faircloth was energized, turned-on and kneeling on the kitchen floor, giving her husband a surprise blowjob he’d never forget. She’d just come home with her emotions in overdrive after a daylong workshop on conducting group encounter sessions. I’m not too sure about this lead in paragraph, Rumple. It seems forced. JAS, for what it’s worth, you might consider combining the two opening paragraphs with a few details from the third.

Clay had been replacing the cover to the overhead light fixture when she walked in. Though tall enough to do this without a stepladder, he looked like someone being held-up with his arms stretched overhead. I’m not crazy about the phrasing of this description of his height. It’s a little confusing. I had to read it a couple times to gather what you meant.

Donna said hello, put her purse on the counter, and reached for his zipper. The cover snapped into place moments before her mouth engulfed his cock. He looked down, his face a mixture of surprise, relief, and pleasure. “That must have been one helluva workshop.”

There was an answering nod and a grunt that sounded a bit like, “Uh, huh,” but the blowjob never stopped.

Clay leaned back against the counter, propped his big hands on the edge, and watched his wife’s short blonde hair swaying to the rhythm of her bobbing head. “You’ll have to tell me all about it, later. Oh, yes. Much, much later.”

That’s just what Donna intended. The workshop, and the incredible instructor, had left her on an emotional high that was a combination of love, happiness, and eroticism. This blowjob was her way of expressing all those feelings.

She loved going down on Clay and took pride in her skill. Learning how to deep throat had been her first anniversary present to him. She never regretted the time it took to master the technique.

Now she used that new talent to take his big cockhead into her throat. With it snugly in place, she rotated her head back and forth, letting its smooth surface rub inside the tight passage. I had to laugh here, with images of the exorcist dancing in my head. It was a maneuver she developed on her own and something they both loved. The only problem was she liked to tease Clay and postpone his climax. But her rotating throat trick seldom failed to trigger an orgasm. Again, I had to laugh as I pictured her throat spinning in circles.

<snip>

The invitation was accepted and the jeans hit the floor. “Those feelings never made any sense.” Clay’s hand slid between Donna’s thighs. “After all, something about that cuddly brunette appealed to me.”

“I know. I know. And thanks to you, I like my body a whole more now. You gave me the self-confidence I needed to lose weight and go blonde and get that wax job. But you’re the only one who’s ever seen all of the new Donna. That’s fine, because if anyone else was involved, you know, like before we were married, I’m not sure how I’d react.” For the point of your story, it might be better to say he gave her the self-confidence to see she didn’t need to lose weight, change her hair color and get a wax job to be beautiful or sexy. She can still make that choice, but the phrasing here suggests she didn’t actually have confidence in herself until she made the changes. Also, I’m not sure what you mean by her not being sure how she’d react to anyone else being involved. I assume they were swingers prior to marriage, why would she react differently now?

“Well, I know how they’d react. The strong ones would faint; the weak ones keel over dead.” Clay, who had been stroking the smooth skin around Donna’s pussy, slipped a finger inside and caressed her clitoris. This sentence leads a reader to believe her clitoris is located inside her pussy.

“Ooh, yes. Clay Faircloth, you are so good for my ego.”

“Just telling it like it is. But what’s all this got to do with your one-legged instructor?”

Clay’s finger slipped deeper into her pussy, making speech difficult. “Well, uh, the thing is, by the end of the workshop, Reggie’s having a missing leg, ooh, it just seemed natural. I couldn’t imagine him any other way. It made him almost sexy.”

“Well, they always say it’s ability that counts.” Clay removed his finger and slowly traced the damp tip across her lips. She parted them, let him slip it inside and began to suck. Learning to accept, to enjoy, her own taste was also Clay’s doing.

He studied her face, as if trying to decide something, then removed his finger. “This Reggie sounds like a guy I’d like to meet. Want to invite him over for drinks?”

“You think he’d come?”

“Never can tell. The thing is, with the way you’re feeling, what’s going to happen if he does?”

Donna started to say something, then paused. She and Clay had often discussed a threesome. They’d done that, and a lot more, before getting married. But since then it’d just been the two of them. She’d liked that and been hesitant about opening up their marriage. IMO it doesn’t make much sense for her to be hesitant to open the marriage if they’ve already experienced an open relationship. But just the suggestion that they might have one tonight with Reggie was such an erotic rush she could barely breathe.

“He, he probably has something else planned. It he can come, we’ll just see what happens, I suppose. But you call. I’ve told him all about you.”

Clay reached Reggie in his hotel room. How does Clay know where Reggie is staying? Maybe most readers will assume Donna told him, but it suggests to me a bit more intimacy between Donna and Reggie than just a workshop. Why would Reggie have given her, or anyone else for that matter, the information? Assuming the workshop was held in a hotel, it might make logical sense that Reggie would stay there, but that’s only assuming. “Reggie? I’m Donna Faircloth’s one-eyed husband, Clay.” This sentence had me saying, “Oh my god, he didn’t.” I like the concept of the joke about two eyes being a waste, but the introduction of it strikes a bad note with me. There was a pause, then Clay laughed. “Oh, I agree. Two are such a waste. Look, I wanted to thank you for sending her home throwing off her clothes and good vibes.” After another pause, he continued. “And you provide a very fine service, believe me. Anyway, she’s still glowing and I’m feeling pretty good myself. So we were wondering it you’d like to come over for drinks and to check out what you’ve done and maybe, who knows, catch some of those vibes yourself?”

There was some more talk until Clay said, “Great. Looking forward to it,” and hung up. He turned and grinned. “Your guru will be here in thirty minutes.”

Donna thought she’d faint.

Reggie arrived twenty-four minutes later. There were hugs, handshakes, and introductions. He said he loved Sangria and Clay headed for the kitchen. Maybe I’m being nit picky, but why not use dialogue to ask if Reggie would like something to drink? The way it’s introduced comes out of the blue, like Reggie is saying, “Hey, you aren’t being a good host, get me a drink.”When he came back with three glasses of wine, Donna and Reggie were sitting together on the couch, deep in conversation.

At Clay's urging, Donna had changed into a low-cut, loose fitting, peasant dress. Except for sandals, some jewelry and perfume, she wore nothing else. By the time they were on a second round of wine, everyone was beginning to relax. If Donna and Reggie were already deep in conversation, weren’t they already fairly relaxed? They wouldn’t be beginning to relax. Clay told how surprised, and gratified, he’d been when a very turned-on Donna came back from the session that afternoon and shared her exuberance in a most personal and enjoyable manner. 3 ‘ands’ in that sentence. Split it, rephrase it, something. :D

As Donna blushed, Reggie laughed and said he was glad that something good had come from the training session. "I'm just sorry I wasn't here to see the results of my work."

Though feeling a bit self-conscious, Donna admitted she’d felt swept away by the intense high. “It’s such a fantastic feeling—more than just a sexual turn-on. That's part of it, no doubt about that. But it's like every part of you is excited and you want to share that energy. So when I came home, I shared it with Clay."

"And I’m so glad you did,” said Clay. “Do you still have that feeling?"

"You bet. It's hard to describe, kinda of (kinda or kind of, not both.)a warm, churning sensation. All I know is it makes me feel happy and excited and I loved sharing it with you. ‘and’ twice. Might want to rephrase several sentences. Multiple ‘ands’ come up further on in the piece as well. It was a little less intense after that, but it’s never gone away. And now, maybe it’s from talking about it with you and Reggie, but I can feel it getting stronger." I noticed throughout the piece that you begin a lot of sentences with ‘And’. My suggestion would be not to. :)

"And is wanting to share still part of the feeling?"

She hesitated, not sure about saying ‘yes’ while sitting next to Reggie. But there was no doubt about the answer. Finally, she just nodded.

Reggie gave them a knowing smile. "This has been fun, kids, but I better be leaving. I’m supposed to nurture, not get in the way of, harmonious marital relationships." The impression I got from the phone conversation between Reggie and Clay was Reggie being invited to ‘play’ with them. From that conversation, Reggie’s statement here rings false.

"Don't go," said Clay. The only sound in the room was the muted voice of Billie Holiday on the stereo. Reggie and Donna looked at him.

He returned their stares. "Something special happened to Donna today. I don't understand it. But I do understand it’s something she wants, maybe even needs, to share. And, well, this is new for us, but we talked about it and, if you're interested, and she hasn’t changed her mind, we'd like you to stay and be a part of what you started." Rephrase this very long sentence. Also, “this is new for us”? They were swingers prior to marriage. Distracting contradiction.

Donna bit her lower lip and looked at Clay. "Are you sure?" Clay set this up, of course he’s sure. It’s pointless for Donna to ask, IMO.

"I am. What about you?"

Reggie broke in. "I suppose I should be gallant and still offer to leave. But Donna, you're just too damn cute and I'm way too horny for that. But please, for my sake, don't do this because of my leg. I’d rather leave than--" I don’t like this part at all. Maybe just have Reggie ask if they are offering because of his leg. Something to the effect of: “Are you doing this because of my leg? Because if you are I’d rather just leave than--" After Donna answers him, in the next paragraph, reinsert the part about being gallant, but… I marked the spot for insertion. :D

“Oh, no.” Donna looked over at Reggie, at his angular body, the penned-up pants leg, his sensitive face with those dark, compassionate eyes. “It’s you—not your leg—you and what happened today and how I feel now.”

She turned back to her husband. “And it’s you, Clay. But there’s just been just the two of us since our wedding. And now, the idea of doing this, it’s exciting, but it’s also scary, and I don’t know what to do.” The tone here is off. I can’t pinpoint it. Maybe, “It’s also you, Clay, but there’s been just the two of us since our wedding. I’m excited, but I’m also scared, if that makes sense, and I don’t know what to do.” I don’t even know if that will help. At this point, I’m not sure what she’s scared OF, because they have already experienced swinging.

He leaned close. "Say, yes. You know we both want this."

A look of relief crossed Donna's face. She let out her breath, gave Clay a deep kiss, then whispered, “Yes.”

This might be a good spot for the gallantry comment.

After another quick kiss, she turned to her guest with a big smile. "Why Reggie, how can you talk about leaving? What kind of hostess do you think I am? Of course, I want you to stay. And I want to make you feel comfortable and right at home." Um, this feels like false dialogue. I know where you want to go with it, but IMO, the phrasing doesn’t work.

She reached over and patted the bulge in khakis. "And judging by this, I'd say you’re a little uncomfortable. So why don't you lean back and let me make you feel welcome?"

Reggie laughed and did as instructed while Donna unzipped his fly, inserted her hand and fished out a very stiff cock. Due to his missing leg, she was able to get extra close to his throbbing cock. JAS, rephrase this sentence. There has to be a better way to get the point across that without his leg in the way she had easier access to his cock. Never saw two legs as an encumbrance before or something. I don’t know how, lol. As she began to lick the warm, hard shaft, Clay stood and asked if they'd mind his taking a few pictures of the action.

There were no objections. When Clay returned with more wine and a camera, Donna stopped licking Reggie's cock long enough to turn and take a glass. While slowly pumping Reggie's shaft with her other hand, she smiled her thanks at Clay and took a long drink.

"Thanks, I needed that.” She handed the glass back. "You better take care of this. I've got a feeling I'm going to be a little busy from now on." Stiff dialogue. Maybe just leave off everything after she hands the glass back. Have her return her attention to Reggie’s cock, maybe.

"Could be,” said Clay. “But according to the paper, this is Nude Day. Seems to me it’s past time you got undressed for the occasion." LOL, work in the fact that it’s Nude Day much earlier in the story. Inserted here it reads like an after thought. “Oh there’s a Nude Day contest coming up, I better mention it. :D”. I’m sure Clay can find another way to get Donna naked. Lol.

Donna’s stomach knotted with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Clay helped her stand. After a long, reassuring kiss, he turned her to face Reggie. With teasing slowness, he slipped the dress off her shoulders. Unable to meet Reggie’s stare, Donna closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on not hyperventilating.

She felt her erect nipples spring back as Clay pulled the tight, elasticized neckline over them. With the dress top bunched around her waist, there was a brief pause, then she felt it being pushed over her hips and then cascading down her legs. This sentence needs help. Maybe: “There was a brief pause, with the dress top bunched around her waist, before she felt it being pushed over her hips and then cascading down her legs.” That still doesn’t read quite right, however. Hmm.

There was a gasp and she opened her eyes. Reggie was staring, slack-jawed at her smooth, hairless pussy. That gasp, that stare, made all the dieting, all the exercising, even the wax job, more than worthwhile.

Clay slid his hands around Donna’s body, cupped and squeezed her breasts, then nuzzled her neck. "I'm afraid our company is being neglected and you are the hostess with the mostest."

With Clay's help, she stepped out of her dress and knelt in front of the wide-eyed Reggie. "Now where was I?" Her fingers encircled his throbbing shaft. Not by themselves they didn’t, lol. How about, “She encircled his throbbing shaft with her fingers.”?

"Was I here?” She leaned forward and licked Reggie's flared cockhead.

"Or was I here?” This time she ran the tip of her tongue through his dark curly pubic hairs.

"Maybe I was here.” She began licking up and down the length of the swollen shaft.

Donna gave Reggie a mischievous grin, then looked over at Clay and winked. “I just can’t be sure. So maybe I better pay attention to all of him.“

The thought of seeing, touching, tasting Reggie’s nude body thrilled her. That it had only one leg was now just a minor curiosity.

The belt buckle quickly yielded to Donna’s fingers. “Are you sure?” asked Reggie. When she nodded, he ripped off his t-shirt and lifted his hips to help her remove his pants. The sight of just one leg coming out of his boxers halted her for a moment. Then she reached for the waistband and yanked.

There was no stump; Word says no semicolon here. just a patch of tight skin where a leg should have started. It seemed in perfect harmony with Reggie’s lean, tan, well-toned physique. “Oh, my God, your body is so beautiful.”

She looked up into his dark, kind eyes, then leaned over and gently kissed the spot. “And this is part of you, maybe part of why you’re so good at helping others. But you’re so much more.”

She kissed the spot again, then licked and nibbled her way up to his chest where, much to Reggie’s surprise, she began to suck on one of his nipples. He let out a shout and almost jumped off the couch. The sudden motion separated her mouth from his very sensitive nipple. For just a moment they looked at one another, then she straddled his remaining leg and pressed her mouth against his.

It was a long, deep, satisfying kiss. As their tongues performed a slow, liquid tango, Reggie’s hands stroked her trim, compact body before homing in on her bottom. His teeth took possession of her lower lip and she yielded willingly, running her hands through his short dark hair, pulling his face closer, letting him have even more of her.

When their mouths parted, Donna raised Word says rose, not raised. up, cupped a breast in each hand and offered them as a replacement for her lower lip. He accepted eagerly, sucking the creamy flesh deep into his mouth before pulling back until his teeth could capture, and then tantalize, the hard nipple.

He seemed to sense whenever the pleasure/pain threshold was approaching and would switch breasts, leaving the wet, unattended nipple throbbing impatiently while he serviced its mate. The sensations were so exquisite, so intense, Semicolon instead of comma.she was soon on the brink of an orgasm. When a fingertip slipped between the cheeks of her bottom and touched her pussy, she rocketed far beyond the brink.

The climax claimed her body and mind. An explosion of pure sexual energy enveloped her. With a cry of animal joy she wrapped her arms around Reggie’s head and pushed her breast deeper into his mouth. Each time her passion began to ebb, he would stroke her pussy and trigger another blast of passion.

Only when the orgasms had consumed all her strength did Reggie relent and let her melt down his chest and onto the couch. She rested her head on his leg, and savored the tingling in her body.

Thanks to youth and some more wine, she soon began to revive. Not crazy about the phrasing. It was past time, she decided, for her guest to get off, but only after she got a little revenge. Like the rest of him, Reggie’s cock was long, lean, and hard. Rolling over on her stomach, Donna propped her forearms on his well-muscled leg and wrapped her lips around his dark, swollen cockhead. With one slow, erotic motion, she took it deep into the back of her mouth, then following a slight push, down her throat.

It was a comfortable position that let her contentedly suck on her prize while pushing Reggie toward that erotic brink she’d recently occupied. But each time he started to come, she ease off until he was begging for mercy.

Donna ignored his pleas, knowing this sort of teasing would increase the pleasure he felt when he did come. And she fully intended to give him some relief, sooner or later. But for the time being, she was enjoying being in control and wanted to prolong the act.

It was, she decided, time for her husband to join in the fun. As Reggie once again moaned and begged for relief, she paused. “Okay Clay, since you claim this is Nude Day, you need to get with the program. Strip big boy and sit on the other side of Reggie.”

Getting the men into the alignment she wanted involved some good-natured kidding and a bit of maneuvering. But thanks to Reggie's amputation, she was able to get the two cocks together, then cram both into her mouth and begin giving the two men simultaneous blowjobs. This doesn’t make much sense to me. I just can’t picture what position they are in that has anything to do with the amputation. Maybe it’s just me.

Taking hold of each cock at its base, she would suck on both heads at the same time. Then she'd remove one of the cocks and pump on it with her hand while taking the other deep into her mouth. After running her lips up and down that shaft, she'd make a quick switch over to the other cock, give it equal treatment, insert ‘and’ or rephrase. then repeat the process.

What Donna wanted was both men to come at the same time. And she almost got her wish. Reggie was more than ready to explode. The trick was keeping him that way while getting Clay in the same condition. The latter was no challenge.

Both were soon begging for relief. Although Donna eased them back from the brink a couple of times, she knew it would be cruel to keep denying them, especially the long suffering Reggie, the orgasm both men so obviously needed. Besides, her jaw was getting tired. Her redoubled efforts produced quick results.

"Oh, yes! Oh god, yes!" It was Reggie. His body lurched up as the first blast of his salty cum surged into Donna’s mouth. Moments later, it was joined by the familiar taste of her husband’s smooth semen.

The slick cream soon filled her mouth. She struggled to swallow it all and keep both cockheads in place, but there was just too much. Despite her best efforts, cum started pouring out and was soon smeared over her face and hands.

With her fingers now coated, it became impossible to keep the slippery heads of the two writhing cocks inside her mouth. When Reggie's popped out, all Donna could do was aim the head away from her eyes.

Reggie’s stiff cock continued to jerk in her hand as it spurted cum onto her right breast. Realizing what was happening, Donna gave up trying to contain the men’s ocean of cum. She removed Clay's gushing cock from her mouth, and pointed it toward her other breast. Cum soon covered both even as more splashed against her erect, sensitive nipples.

It seemed like a long time before the force of the men's ejaculation began to subside. Donna placed the still erect cocks back in her mouth and gently sucked until the flow had stopped and the men were begging her to stop.
Shaky transition.
After Clay took a few pictures of Donna’s breasts in all their cum covered glory, she told the two men to play with themselves while she took a quick shower. After drying off, she reached for her favorite loungewear, one of Clay’s soft work shirts. Then she recalled him saying it was Nude Day and changed her mind. After redoing her make-up, she walked barefooted back into the living room wearing her engagement and wedding rings, and a smile.

The men were still naked and sitting on the couch studying Clay’s pictures. Two tall, good-looking men and, for now, both were all hers. It was an exciting thought, but reminded her that while she’d gotten off, she hadn’t gotten laid and was very horny.

Reggie was the first to notice her bare-bottombare-bottomed? entrance. “Now that’s what I call a fashion statement.” She grinned at the compliment, then wedged in between them and tried to help decide which pictures were best. Some were hot, but nothing in comparison to how she was feeling.

“I’ll go print these,” said Clay, after the final selections were make. “You two find something to keep yourselves occupied while I’m gone.”

They promised to do their best and were soon entwined on the living room carpet in a sixty-nine. Donna loved sucking on Reggie’s cock and taking its big head deep inside her throat. But his talented, tireless tongue was an erotic wonder that made it hard to concentrate and quickly brought her to a shattering climax.

Before she had time to recover, Reggie rolled her off him and onto her back. The glint in his eyes left no doubt what he wanted. She smiled, spread her legs and helped him get in position between them, then guided his hard cock toward her well-licked pussy. With one powerful thrust, the entire length plunged into Donna’s body. It felt so good, and soon had her speeding toward another climax.

Reggie drove into her with deep, violent thrusts. As her orgasm struck, she shuddered, wrapped her arms around his body and arched her hips up to meet him. Seconds later, she heard a groan and felt warm cum filling her pussy.

Shaky transition.
Later, everyone agreed that a real threesome was mandatory if they wanted to share Donna's energy to the fullest. After a little discussion, Reggie stretched out on the floor while Donna knelt between his legs Can’t kneel between them, he only has one. :Dand began sucking on his limp cock. Clay, who’d had more time to recover, moved in behind her and began fucking her doggie style.

It wasn't long before Reggie was again rock hard and ready. Meanwhile, Donna felt soft and yielding and every bit as ready. This was due in no small part to Clay's big, driving cock which had already triggered a powerful climax and was now pushing her toward another one. Okay, at this point I’m almost rolling my eyes at the powerful orgasms one after another. The sex also seems a little rushed. Is there a way you can slow it down some?

It was great, and left her flushed, trembling, and anxious for more. Donna scooted forward until she was straddling Reggie’s waist, then she slipped her pussy over the big cockhead and slid down his long cock.

While all this was going on, Clay slipped a cum-coated finger into her tight anus. Taking his time, he stretched the tiny opening wide enough to receive three fingers. All the while, Donna and Reggie continued to fuck.

Although Clay had taught her a lot, she had introduced him to anal sex. He’d been a quick study and she trusted him completely. To now feel his fingers pushing against Reggie's cock was mind-blowing.

The thought of what would soon happen was both exciting and scary. Taking two men at the same time, one in her pussy, the other in her bottom, was something she’d always wanted to try. But with it now about to become a reality, the nurse in her worried something might go wrong.

There was more pain than usual when Clay first entered her. But once he was inside, it was all pleasure. After some trial and error, the three lovers became as one, with the two men alternating their strokes so that a hard cock was always plunging deep inside Donna.

The pace gradually picked up until the men were pounding into her with fast, powerful strokes. The feel of two hard cocks slamming in and out of her body trigger wave after wave of sexual pleasure. She responded with one shattering orgasm after another. Now I am rolling my eyes. Maybe have fewer shattering orgasms and just build them in intensity until you get to here?

All sense of time was lost. For the three of them, there was no place but this room, this floor, and this lover’s knot. Through her erotic haze, Donna could feel the two cock filling her body, thrusting back and forth.

Reggie’s eyes were closed; delete semicolon and change the rest to ‘and his mouth was open.’ his mouth open. She kissed him, and they began slipping their tongues in and out of each other’s mouth in perfect rhythm to his thrusts.

<snip>

When the last of his long shaft had vanished into Donna’s bottom, Reggie paused and watched her sucking on Clay’s limp cock. It made him smile. “Thank you Donna, you and Clay. Thanks for both for giving me my fantasy.” Edit this sentence.

<snip>

I hate to say this, Rumple, but by the time I got to the end I was a bit bored. Maybe it’s just me and the stories not grabbing me here lately, but this one just seemed to have too much sex (is that even possible?:eek: ) and not enough substance. Take me with a grain of salt, sweetie. I hope I helped a little bit. I’m sure that there will be wiser, better critiques than mine. All I can give you is my impression. I like what you are trying to do here. I think it's an important message. :kiss:

Minx
 
A few constructive (I hope!) thoughts

I missed the point of what I was to do. I edited and made changes to the story in word in red...but the color didn't carry over here. Now I guess you'll have to hunt for them.

In general...(all of the following is based on personal preferences and observations)

1) The work that you spend on the interminal sexual descriptions and "screaming" orgasms is too much. Invest the energy in descriptions of action that explains the "Why are these people feeling this or that." BTW, this by no means is to object to your descriptions of various sex acts...it's just that you have done it at the detriment of the foundation of the narrative that supports the sex.

2) Some of the dialogue is a bit clunky and even stock. Also, you seem to latch onto certain discriptors ("cockhead" was WAY over used...there are many synonyms for the term...glans, tip, point, knob, etc) Same for pussy.

3) You may find that the phrasing and the action and the emotion can all be combined to achieve the communication of feelings to the reader.

4) I had no problem with changes that people go through when the circumstances of a relationship change. Living together is different from being married. Values change, attitudes change...swinging might be well and good for a couple who are cohabitating, but the same people might not react the same to the other after the commitment of marriage is realized.
Marriage suggests children...children means the woman will be encumbered to some degree and will need the support of her mate in many ways. A great lover may not be such a great father. The addition of a third party introduces a potential threat to the basic duo and their relationship. Doesn't mean that a threeway automaticly spells disaster...but to say that it meands the same as when the relationship was more casual is foolishness.
You play around with this, but never really confront the issue...and I think that is where you state that you want to go with this story...at least as a secondary theme.

5) Your work is far above the average found on this site as far as style, expression, point of view, uniqueness, and narration. I will read more of your work for thought and enjoyment...anticipating good reads.

6) I realize that this was not a finished piece and that you intended to rework it before publication. I hope that you will accept my poor attempt to explain my reaction as supportive and not meant in anyway to be nasty or troll-like, but encouraging and helpful.

***********************************

It's Ability That Counts
by Rumple Foreskin


Donna Faircloth was energized, turned-on and kneeling on the kitchen floor, giving her husband a surprise blowjob he’d never forget. She’d just come home with her emotions in overdrive after a daylong continuing education nursing workshop on conducting group encounter sessions.

Clay had been replacing the cover to the overhead light fixture when she walked in. Though tall enough to do this without a stepladder, he looked like someone being held-up with his arms stretched overhead.

Donna said hello, put her purse on the counter, and reached for his zipper. The cover snapped into place moments before her mouth engulfed his cock. He looked down, his face a mixture of surprise, relief, and pleasure. “That must have been one helluva workshop.”

There was an answering nod and a grunt that sounded a bit like, “Uh, huh,” but the blowjob never stopped.

Clay leaned back against the counter, propped his big hands on the edge, and watched his wife’s short blonde hair swaying to the rhythm of her bobbing head. “You’ll have to tell me all about it, later. Oh, yes. Much, much later.”

That’s just what Donna intended. The workshop, and the incredible instructor, had left her on an emotional high that was a combination of love, happiness, and eroticism. This blowjob was her way of expressing all those feelings.

She loved going down on Clay and took pride in her skill. Learning how to deep throat had been her first anniversary present to him. She never regretted the time it took to master the technique.

Now she used that new talent to take his big cockhead into her throat. With it snugly in place, she rotated her head back and forth, letting its smooth surface rub inside the tight passage. It was a maneuver she developed on her own and something they both loved. The only problem was she liked to tease Clay and postpone his climax. But her rotating throat trick seldom failed to trigger an orgasm.

This time was no exception. With a muffled “Oh, shit!” Clay put his hands behind her head and began pumping in and out of her mouth, then up and down inside her throat. Donna wrapped her arms around his hips and hung on. From now on, she’d let nature and her husband take charge. All she wanted was to enjoy the ride.

The first blast of semen shot down her throat. Then Clay pulled out a bit so the next one filled what little space his cock didn’t already occupy in her mouth. With another thrust, he re-entered her throat and stayed there as the rest of his load emptied directly into her body.

Afterward, they sat on the old, overstuffed couch in their living room, drinking wine, cuddling, and talking about what triggered the incredible series of emotions Donna was still experiencing. “This feeling just kept growing all day. At the end of the training, we did a practice session that ended with everyone holding hands, singing and crying these happy tears. It was all so surreal. But what made it so special was, Reggie, the instructor. He’s a social worker from upstate and leads a lot of these workshops. By the end of the day it was like learning from some guru.”

Clay slipped a hand under Donna’s pullover and unsnapped her bra as she continued. “Reggie’s Italian, and has these deep dark eyes that just seem to unlock your feelings and a smile that makes you feel okay about that. But at first, the only thing I could focus on was his having only one leg.”

“How’d that happened?” asked Clay, as he stroked one of her breasts.

“He had a motorcycle accident that cost him his left leg at the hip. I mean he has, none. He doesn’t like to wear his prosthesis; says it’s uncomfortable and that he has learned to get around quicker with what he has left.”

“Sounds like a guy who has his act together.” The pullover landed on the couch followed by the bra.

“Oh, he does.” Donna shook out her hair, then leaned over and nuzzled Clay’s ear. “The thing is, when I first saw him this morning, seeing his pants leg rolled up felt creepy. I know that sounds weird coming from a nurse. But being around people who’ve lost a limb has always bothered me.”

Clay stopped halfway through unzipping her jeans. “Damn good thing it’s just arms and legs, since your husband lost an eye.”

“I didn’t say it was logical. I’ve always been ashamed of feeling that way. Maybe it was because my grandfather lost both legs to diabetes when I was just a baby. I ever really saw it, but the way my mother and the other women talked…. Anyway, ever since then, seeing someone like that, an amputee, always triggered all those bad feelings I had about myself back before you came along.” She smiled, stretched, and lifted her hips, inviting him to finish undressing her.

He accepted her invitation and soon her jeans had hit the floor. “Those feelings never made any sense to me either.” Clay’s hand slid between Donna’s thighs. “After all, something about that cuddly brunette appealed to me.”

“I know. I know. And thanks to you, I like my body a whole more now. You gave me the self-confidence I needed to lose weight and go blonde and get that wax job. But you’re the only one who’s ever seen all of the new Donna. That’s fine, because if anyone else was involved, you know, like when before we were married, I’m not sure how I’d react.”

“Well, I know how they’d react. The strong ones would faint; the weak ones keel over dead.” Clay, who had been stroking the smooth skin around Donna’s pussy, slipped a finger inside and caressed her clitoris.

“Ooh, yes. Clay Faircloth, you are so good for my ego.”

“Just telling it like it is. But what’s all this got to do with your one-legged instructor?”

Clay’s finger slipped deeper into her pussy, making speech difficult. “Well, uh, the thing is, by the end of the workshop, Reggie’s having a missing leg, ooh, it just seemed natural. I couldn’t imagine him any other way. It made him almost sexy.”

“Well, they always say it’s ability that counts.” Clay removed his finger and slowly traced the damp tip across her lips. She parted them, let him slip it inside past her teeth and began to suck. Learning to accept, to enjoy, her own taste was also Clay’s doing.

He studied her face, as if trying to decide something, then removed his finger. “This Reggie sounds like a guy I’d like to meet. Want to invite him over for drinks?”

“You think he’d come?”

“Never can tell. The thing is, with the way you’re feeling, what’s going to happen if he does?”

Donna started to say something, then paused. She and Clay had often discussed a threesome. They’d done that, and a lot more, before getting married. But since then it’d just been the two of them. She’d liked that and been hesitant about opening up their marriage. But just the suggestion that they might have one tonight with Reggie was such an erotic rush she could barely breathe.

“He--he probably has other plans. If he does come, we’ll just see what happens, I suppose. But you make the call. I’ve told him all about what a wonderful guy you are.”

Clay reached Reggie in his hotel room. “Reggie? I’m Donna Faircloth’s one-eyed husband, Clay.” There was a pause, and then Clay laughed. “Oh, I agree. Two are such a waste. Look, I wanted to thank you for sending her home throwing off her clothes and good vibes.” After another pause, he continued. “And you provide a very fine service, believe me. Anyway, she’s still glowing and I’m feeling pretty good myself. So we were wondering if you’d like to come over for drinks and to check out what you’ve done and maybe, who knows, catch some of those vibes yourself?”

There was some more talk until Clay said, “Great. Looking forward to it,” and hung up. He turned and grinned. “Your guru will be here in thirty minutes.”

Donna thought she’d faint. At Clay's suggestion, Donna changed into a low-cut, loose fitting, peasant dress, sandals, some jewelry and perfume. She wore nothing else.

Reggie arrived twenty-four minutes later. There were hugs, handshakes, and introductions. He responded to Donna’s question that he loved Sangria and Clay headed for the kitchen. When he returned with three glasses and a bottle of wine, Donna and Reggie were sitting together on the couch, deep in conversation about the workshop.

By the time they were on a second round of wine, each was beginning to relax. Clay told how surprised, and gratified, he’d been when a very turned-on Donna came back from the session that afternoon and shared her exuberance in a most intimate, personal and mutually enjoyable manner.

As Donna blushed, Reggie laughed and said he was glad that something good had come from the training session. "I'm just regretting I wasn't here to see the results of our work."

Though feeling a bit self-conscious, Donna announced she’d felt swept away by the intensity of the high. “It’s such a fantastic feeling—more than just a sexual turn-on. That's part of it, no doubt about that. It's like every part of you is electrified and you want to share that energy. So when I came home, I shared it with Clay."

"And I’m so glad you did,” said Clay. “Do you still have that feeling?"

"You bet. It's hard to describe, kinda of a warm, churning sensation. All I know is it makes me feel happy and excited and I loved sharing it with you. It was a little less intense after that, but it’s never gone away. And now, maybe it’s from talking about it with you and Reggie, but I can feel it getting stronger."

"And is wanting to share still part of the feeling?"

She hesitated, not sure about saying ‘yes’ while sitting next to Reggie. But there was no doubt in her mind or body about her answer. She tried to speak, but no words would form in her throat. Finally, she just nodded.

Reggie gave them a knowing smile. "This has been fun, kids, but I better be leaving. I’m supposed to nurture, not get in the way of, harmonious marital relationships. Besides, tomorrow will arrive early."

"Don't go, yet." said Clay quietly. The only sound in the room was the muted voice of Billie Holiday on the stereo. Reggie and Donna looked at him.

He returned their stares. "Something special happened to Donna today. I don't understand it. But I do understand it’s something she wants, maybe even needs, to share. And, well, this is new for us, but we talked about it and, if you're interested, and she hasn’t changed her mind, we'd like you to stay and be a part of what you started."

Donna bit her lower lip and looked at Clay. "Are you sure?"

"I am. What about you?"

Reggie broke in. "I suppose I should be gallant and still offer to leave. But Donna, you're just too damn cute and I'm way too horny for that. But please, for all our sakes, I hope you don't do this because of my disability. I’d rather leave than--"

“Oh, no!” Donna looked over at Reggie, at his angular body, the penned-up pants leg, his sensitive face with those dark, compassionate eyes. “It’s you—not your lack of a leg—you and what happened to me today at the workshop and how I feel now.”

She turned back to her husband. “And it’s you, too, Clay. There’s just been just the two of us since our wedding. And now, the idea of doing this, it’s exciting, but it’s also scary, and risky. I don’t know what to do.”

He gently pulled her aside and leaned close, his breath moving the hair near her ear. "Say, yes. You do know what you want. You know what I want. We both want this. We’ll not likely find another man as wise, kind and caring as Reggie any time soon."

A look of relief crossed Donna's face. She let out her breath, gave Clay a deep kiss, and then whispered, “Yes.”

After another quick kiss, she turned to her guest with a big smile. "Why Reggie, how can you talk about leaving? What kind of hostess do you think I am? Of course, I want you to stay. And I want to make you feel comfortable and right at home."

She reached over and patted the bulge in khakis. "And judging by this, I'd say you’re a little uncomfortable. So why don't you lean back and let me make you feel welcome?"

Reggie laughed and did as instructed while Donna unzipped his fly, inserted her hand and fished out a very stiff cock. Due to his missing leg, she was able to get extra close to his throbbing cock. As she began to lick the warm, hard shaft, Clay stood and asked if they'd mind his taking a few pictures of the action.

Neither objected. When Clay returned with more wine and a camera, Donna stopped licking Reggie's cock long enough to turn and take a glass. While slowly pumping Reggie's shaft with her other hand, she smiled her thanks at Clay and took a long drink.

"Thanks, I needed that.” She handed the glass back empty. "You better take care of this. I've got a feeling I'm going to be a little busy from now on."

"Could be,” said Clay. “But according to the paper, this is Nude Day. Seems to me it’s past time you got undressed for the occasion."

Donna’s stomach knotted with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. Clay helped her stand. After a long, reassuring kiss, he turned her to face Reggie. With teasing slowness, he slipped the dress off her shoulders. Unable to meet Reggie’s stare, Donna closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on not hyperventilating.

She felt her erect nipples spring back as Clay pulled the tight, elasticized neckline over them. With the dress top bunched around her waist, there was a brief pause, and then she felt it being pushed over her hips and then cascading down her legs.

She heard a gasp and she opened her eyes. Reggie was staring, slack-jawed at her smooth, hairless pussy. That gasp, that stare, made all the dieting, all the exercising, even the wax job, more than worthwhile.

Clay slid his hands around Donna’s body, cupped and squeezed her breasts, then nuzzled her neck. "I'm afraid our company is being neglected and you are the hostess with the mostest."

With Clay's help, she stepped out of her dress and knelt in front of the wide-eyed Reggie. "Now where was I?" Her fingers encircled his throbbing shaft.

"Was I here?” She leaned forward and licked Reggie's flared glans.

"Or was I here?” This time she ran the tip of her tongue through his dark curly pubic hairs.

"Maybe I was here.” She began licking up and down the length of the swollen shaft that was jutting out through his fly.

Donna gave Reggie a mischievous grin, then looked over at Clay and winked. “I just can’t be sure. So maybe I better pay attention to all of him.“

The thought of seeing, touching, tasting Reggie’s nude body thrilled her. That he had only one leg was now just a minor curiosity.

The belt buckle quickly yielded to Donna’s fingers. “Are you sure?” asked Reggie. When she nodded, he ripped off his t-shirt and lifted his hips to help her remove his pants. The sight of just one leg coming out of his boxers halted her for a moment. Then she reached for the waistband and yanked.

There was no stump; just a patch of tight skin where a leg should have started. It seemed in perfect harmony with Reggie’s lean, tan, well-toned physique. “Oh, my God, your body is so beautiful.”

She looked up into his dark, kind eyes, then leaned over and gently kissed the spot. “And this is part of you, maybe part of why you’re so good at helping others. But you’re so much more.”

She kissed the spot again, then licked and nibbled her way up to his chest where, much to Reggie’s surprise, she began to suck on one of his nipples. He let out a shout and almost jumped off the couch. The sudden motion separated her mouth from his very sensitive nipple. For just a moment they looked at one another, then she straddled his leg and pressed her mouth against his.

It was a long, deep, satisfying kiss. As their tongues performed a slow, liquid tango, Reggie’s hands stroked her trim, compact body before homing in on her bottom. His teeth took possession of her lower lip and she yielded willingly, running her hands through his short dark hair, pulling his face closer, letting him have even more of her.

When their mouths parted, Donna rose up, cupped a breast in each hand and offered them as a replacement for her lower lip. He accepted eagerly, sucking the creamy flesh deep into his mouth before pulling back until his teeth could capture, and then tantalize, the hard nipple.

He seemed to sense whenever the pleasure/pain threshold was approaching and would switch breasts, leaving the wet, unattended nipple throbbing impatiently while he serviced its mate. The sensations were so exquisite, so intense; she was soon on the brink of an orgasm. When a fingertip slipped between the cheeks of her bottom and touched her pussy, she rocketed far beyond the brink.

The climax claimed her body and mind. An explosion of pure sexual energy enveloped her. With a cry of animal joy she wrapped her arms around Reggie’s head and pushed her breast deeper into his mouth. Each time her passion began to ebb, he would stroke her pussy and trigger another blast of passion.

Only when the orgasms had consumed all her strength did Reggie relent and let her melt down his chest and onto the couch. She rested her head on his leg, and savored the tingling in her body.

Thanks to her youth and some more wine, she soon began to revive. It was past time, she decided, for her guest to get off, but only after she got a little revenge. Like the rest of him, Reggie’s cock was long, lean, and hard. Rolling over on her stomach, Donna propped her forearms on his well-muscled leg and wrapped her lips around the tip of his dark, swollen cock. With one slow, erotic motion, she took it deep into the back of her mouth, then following a slight push, down her throat.

It was a comfortable position that let her contentedly suck on her prize while pushing Reggie toward that erotic brink she’d recently occupied. But each time he started to come, she ease off until he was begging for mercy.

Donna ignored his pleas, knowing this sort of teasing would increase the pleasure he felt when he did come. And she fully intended to give him some relief, sooner or later. But for the time being, she was enjoying being in control and wanted to prolong the act.

It was, she decided, time for her husband to join in the fun. As Reggie once again moaned and begged for relief, she paused. “Okay Clay, since you claim this is Nude Day, you need to get with the program. Strip big boy and sit on the other side of Reggie.”

Getting the men into the alignment she wanted involved some good-natured kidding and a bit of maneuvering. But thanks to Reggie's amputation, she was able to get the two cocks together, then cram both into her mouth and begin giving the two men simultaneous blowjobs.

Taking hold of each cock at its base, she would suck on both heads at the same time. Then she'd remove one of the cocks and pump on it with her hand while taking the other deep into her mouth. After running her lips up and down that shaft, she'd make a quick switch over to the other cock, give it equal treatment, and then repeat the process.

What Donna wanted was for both men to come at the same time. And she almost got her wish. Reggie was more than ready to explode. The trick was keeping him that way while getting Clay in the same condition. The latter was no challenge.

Both were soon begging for relief. Although Donna eased them back from the brink a couple of times, she knew it would be cruel to keep denying them, especially the long suffering Reggie, the orgasm both men so obviously needed. Besides, her jaw was getting tired. Her redoubled efforts produced quick results.

"Oh, yes! Oh god, yes!" It was Reggie. His body lurched up as the first blast of his salty cum surged into Donna’s mouth. Moments later, it was joined by the familiar taste of her husband’s smooth semen.

The slick cream soon filled her mouth. She struggled to swallow it all and keep both cocks in place, but there was just too much. Despite her best efforts, cum started pouring out and was soon smeared over her face and hands.

With her fingers now coated, it became impossible to keep the slippery heads of the two writhing cocks inside her mouth. When Reggie's popped out, all Donna could do was aim the head away from her eyes.

Reggie’s stiff cock continued to jerk in her hand as it spurted cum onto her right breast. Realizing what was happening, Donna gave up trying to contain the men’s ocean of cum. She removed Clay's gushing cock from her mouth, and pointed it toward her other breast. Cum soon covered both even as more splashed against her erect, sensitive nipples.

It seemed like a long time before the force of the men's ejaculations began to subside. Donna placed the still erect cocks back in her mouth and gently sucked until the flow had stopped and the men were begging her to stop.

After Clay took a few pictures of Donna’s breasts in all their cum covered glory, she told the two men to play with themselves while she took a quick shower. After drying off, she reached for her favorite loungewear, one of Clay’s soft work shirts. Then she recalled him saying it was Nude Day and changed her mind. After redoing her make-up, she walked barefooted back into the living room wearing her engagement and wedding rings, and a smile.

The men were still naked and sitting on the couch studying Clay’s pictures. Two tall, good-looking men and, for now, both were all hers. It was an exciting thought, but reminded her that while she’d gotten off, she hadn’t gotten laid and was very horny.

Reggie was the first to notice her bare-bottomed entrance. “Now that’s what I call a fashion statement.” She grinned at the compliment, then wedged in between them and tried to help decide which pictures were best. Some were hot, but nothing in comparison to how she was feeling.

“I’ll go print these,” said Clay, after the final selections were make. “You two find something to keep yourselves occupied while I’m gone.”

They promised to do their best and were soon entwined on the living room carpet in a sixty-nine. Donna loved sucking on Reggie’s cock and taking its big head deep inside her throat. But his talented, tireless tongue was an erotic wonder that made it hard to concentrate and quickly brought her to a shattering climax.

Before she had time to recover, Reggie rolled her off him and onto her back. The glint in his eyes left no doubt what he wanted. She smiled, spread her legs and helped him get in position between them, then guided his hard cock toward her well-licked pussy. With one powerful thrust, the entire length plunged into Donna’s body. It felt so good, and soon had her speeding toward another climax.

Reggie drove into her with deep, violent thrusts. As her orgasm struck, she shuddered, wrapped her arms around his body and arched her hips up to meet him. Seconds later, she heard a groan and felt warm cum filling her pussy.

Later, everyone agreed that a real threesome was mandatory if they wanted to share Donna's energy to the fullest. After a little discussion, Reggie stretched out on the floor while Donna knelt against his inner thigh and began sucking on his limp cock. Clay, who’d had more time to recover, moved in behind her and began fucking her doggie style.

It wasn't long before Reggie was again rock hard and ready; meanwhile, Donna felt soft and yielding and every bit as primed. This was due in no small part to Clay's big, driving cock which had already triggered a powerful climax and was now pushing her toward another one.

It was great, and left her flushed, trembling, and anxious for more. Donna scooted forward until she was straddling Reggie’s waist, then she slipped her pussy over his big cock and slid down his long rod.

While all this was going on, Clay slipped a cum-coated finger into her tight anus. Taking his time, he stretched the tiny opening wide enough to receive three fingers. All the while, Donna and Reggie continued to fuck.

Although Clay had taught her a lot, she had introduced him to anal sex. He’d been a quick study and she trusted him completely. To now feel his fingers pushing against Reggie's cock was mind-blowing.

The thought of what would soon happen was both exciting and scary. Taking two men at the same time, one in her pussy, the other in her bottom, was something she’d always wanted to try. But with it now about to become a reality, the nurse in her worried something might go wrong.

There was more pain than usual when Clay first entered her. But once he was inside, it was all pleasure. After some trial and error, the three lovers became as one, with the two men alternating their strokes so that a hard cock was always plunging deep inside Donna.

The pace gradually picked up until the men were pounding into her with fast, powerful strokes. The feel of two hard cocks slamming in and out of her body trigger wave after wave of sexual pleasure. She responded with one shattering orgasm after another.

All sense of time was lost. For the three of them, there was no place but this room, this floor, and this lover’s knot. Through her erotic haze, Donna could feel the two cocks filling her body, thrusting back and forth.

Reggie’s eyes were closed, his mouth open. She kissed him, and they began slipping their tongues in and out of each other’s mouth in perfect rhythm to his thrusts.

Clay shifted. The new position let him drive even further inside her. It felt fantastic and she pushed back in response. Her reward was a deep groan. With one last, furious thrust, Clay reached new depths in her bowels before filling it with his hot cum.

When they separated a few minutes later, Donna realized Reggie hadn't come. "I thought you came when Clay did," she said, staring at Reggie's stiff member.

"Afraid not. But I enjoyed it all the same. That might be as close as I’ll ever get to what you and Clay were doing. It's something I've always wanted to try. But with only one leg, just getting in position would be a challenge, not to mention staying there. That’s assuming, of course, I ever found someone willing to try it with me."

That was all Donna and Clay needed. She said if they could figure out a way, she'd be more than willing to provide the means. After some discussion, they decided if Donna leaned over the couch seat, some chairs could be arranged in such a way Reggie could support himself while kneeling behind and, most importantly, driving his still hard cock into her willing ass.

Once everyone was in position, Reggie carefully placed the tip his big cock against Donna’s stretched and well-lubricated opening. Assured she was ready, he entered her with a gentle push. After pausing to savor the feeling, he caressed and spread the cheeks of her bottom and then slowly shoved his cock in deeper and deeper, taking his time, enjoying the new experience.

When the last of his long shaft had vanished into Donna’s bottom, Reggie paused and watched her sucking on Clay’s limp cock. It made him smile. “Thank you Donna, you and Clay. Thanks for both for giving me my fantasy.”

The young couple looked at Reggie. “No thanks needed,” said Clay.

“That’s right,” said Donna, whose face looked flushed, and very happy. “You’re giving us our fantasy.”

She turned her head back around sucked the full length of Clay’s limber cock into her mouth while squeezing on the hard one of Reggie. Both men groaned with pleasure. Shifting his position slightly, Reggie began pumping in and out. At first he used short, slow, careful strokes, but was soon pounding away with rapid, energetic thrusts.

As Donna continued to suck Clay's dick back to life, she grunted with pleasure as Reggie kept up his assault. And it was surprising just how good that assault felt, especially after having Clay’s thicker shaft back there while Reggie was in her pussy.

But Reggie's energetic efforts soon had her on the verge of yet another climax. By now, Clay’s cock was fully erect and ready for service or servicing. But Donna knew it wasn’t safe to keep it between her teeth. Reluctantly, she let the hard cock slip from between her lips, as her stomach churned with excitement and her body shook from Reggie’s thrusts. He began breathing heavily, then just as the orgasm flashed through her body, he made one last lunge and began adding his cum to that left by her husband.

It seemed like a long time before his body quit shuddering and he slumped down to the floor in spent, satisfied, exhaustion. At first, Donna remained motionless, enjoying the tingling sensation in her rear. Then she looked up and smiled at Clay before turning her head around to check on Reggie.

For just a moment they all looked at one another, then Reggie smiled at Clay. "I've done all I can do. Hell, I've done more than I can do and everything I ever wanted to do. So I guess it's up to you to finish her off, partner. If y’all like, I'll be glad to take pictures of the two of you getting’ it on."

Donna and Clay laughed and agreed. Reggie took photos while they made love. They took turns going down on one another then got into a sixty-nine. Next Donna rode Clay until she climaxed before they finished off with a glorious missionary style fuck. In the end, Donna's legs were resting on Clay's shoulders as he drove his cock into her with deep, hard thrusts.

The orgasm caught Donna by surprise. She let out a cry of release and pleasure as her pussy clamped around Clay's shaft and her juices flooded over his balls. That triggered Clay's own orgasm. With a last mighty lunge, he hammered into Donna. She arched up to meet him. The hard, unyielding cock slammed into her throbbing pussy and a last load of semen exploded into her trembling body.

They cleaned-up and dressed, then exchanged phone numbers and talked about the next time Reggie would be in town. Clay suggested that, as a going away present, he take a last photo of Donna and Reggie that might be a bit suggestive but still suitable for public viewing.

The result was a sensuous shot of a shirtless Reggie sitting on the couch with Donna in her peasant dress stretched out on her back beside him. Her legs and shoulders were bare; her head rested in his lap. On her face was a very contended smile.

Two copies were printed. On Reggie’s, Donna signed, "It really is ability that counts. Thanks for a Nude Day I’ll never forget."
 
The challege was to make the story hot and light enough for the average Lit reader while conveying the message that beauty is more than physical perfection.

You certainly succeeded in the first part of your goal. I think this is a near-perfect Literotica story. It opens with sex, reads easy and moves very fast. The sexual set-up is accomplished with admirable efficiency and a minimum of words, and from then on it's all sex, sex, sex of the Literotica variety: great, graphic, guiltless, and fulfilling, and pretty arousing too. You can't complain about any of that.

On the other hand, because it's such a good Literotica story, it has all the defects of a typical Lit story as well—thin characters, implausible motives, flat emotions, and a kind of weightlessness, and all that works against the second part of what you're trying to accomplish—the message that beauty is more than skin deep.

I think it's a noble try but when you get down to it, these characters are actually pretty perfect as I see it and aren't deep enough to show that kind of spirit necessary to overcome a physical handicap. Yes, Reggie is missing a leg, but that doesn't seem to present much of a problem for anyone—Donna doesn't even wince when she sees it but immediately dives on his stump and starts kissing it. What happened to her squeamishness?—and other than that, he seems to be quite a hunk. She's quite a piece, and Clay's a stud himself.

The problem of physical deformity or handicap is a deep and profound one, and I think Rumple shows a lot of courage in trying to take it on, but the solution, if there is one, is equally deep and profound, and I think that to pull this story off, you're going to have to show us just what makes Reggie so special despite his handicap, and you're going to have to show it in such a way that we believe it too. We're going to have to feel the force of his personality and strength of character, and that doesn't come across here for me. I'm not sure you can even address that problem without doing an entire character study, which would make it an atypical Lit story by definition.

I'm thinking of people I know who have handicaps and have overcome them, and in each case there's a triumph of spirit involved—a depth of character or level of compassion or (in the case of a friend who was crippled by polio as a child) an outrageous overcompensation that led to a level of personal courage that was actually frightening. (This guy would pick fights with big guys in bars and beat them up with his crutches. He was dangerous to be around). I don't think you can present that kind of thing in a typical Lit story.

On the other hand, as a Lit story, I think Rumple shows a real mastery I mean, you couldn't get a story with better pacing, and the opening gambit I thought was pretty brilliant and engaging.

And because it's a Lit story, I'm not going to ask what it is that drives these people to have a 3-way ("Sharing her energy"? Was that it? What does that mean? Just what kind of seminars does this Reggie give? And how can I get my wife to go to one?) and how it is that they pull off their 3-way with such joyous nonchalance. I'm afraid we've stumbled into Literotica cliché territory here. (I've yet to read a Lit group sex story that doesn't include the expression "join in the fun".)

Still, the story's heart is in the right place, and I wish you the best of luck with it. Thanks for the read, Rumple.

Best,

---dr.M.
 
Greetings,

I've just come dragging in from a wedding weekend in Austin (TX) that included two brunches, a supper plus the ceremony and reception all with an open bar that featured frozen margaritas. That should explain why all I'm going to do now is thank Minx, Mat, and Zoot for their input.

I'll read and save those comments with the others and then no doubt post some lame excuses for the shortcomings they mention. I'll then take my time reviewing all the suggestions and trying to figure out if there's a way for someone of my skill level to make this more than just another "hot" Lit. story. Probably not, of course, but so far it's been a fun challenge.

Mal, I promise to post a critique of your story tomorrow, maybe.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Last edited:
Hi Rumpie,

Sorry I took so long to respond- hope it's not too late to be useful.

Yes, I think it's too light to convey the message. For me, the main thing that is missing is a character dealing with the either their own shallowness or a self-image problem.

Some of the moments that could have revealed character are glossed-over, which doesn't help. For instance, I liked the conversation after the blowjob, except when it was interrupted like this:
Donna started to say something, then paused. She and Clay had often discussed a threesome. They’d done that, and a lot more, before getting married...
For me, that paragraph really broke the flow and yanked me right out of the moment- and the story.


I have some similar reservations for this section:
... “Your guru will be here in thirty minutes.”

Donna thought she’d faint.

Reggie arrived twenty-four minutes later. There were hugs, handshakes, and introductions. He said he loved Sangria and Clay headed for the kitchen. When he came back with three glasses of wine, Donna and Reggie were sitting together on the couch, deep in conversation.

At Clay's urging, Donna had changed into a low-cut, loose fitting, peasant dress. Except for sandals, some jewelry and perfume, she wore nothing else. By the time they were on a second round of wine, everyone was beginning to relax. Clay told how surprised, and gratified, he’d been when a very turned-on Donna came back from the session that afternoon and shared her exuberance in a most personal and enjoyable manner.

This is all just way too fast. At least for me. I want to see what Donna does in that twenty-four minutes! I want to know what the allegedly deep conversation is about- as if one can get deep into a conversation that fast anyway? I want to see them relax- how about some sexy banter and innuendo?

As for the whole wanting to portray beauty as more than skin deep, this line rubbed me the wrong way too:
You gave me the self-confidence I needed to lose weight and go blonde and get that wax job.
I'd have thought she had more confidence if she was a hairy, chubby brunette and said, "I'm beautiful the way I am, dammit!" Or is the point that she doesn't really have confidence? If so, I missed that.

I thought this was subtler, and better:
... my grandfather lost both legs to diabetes. I was just a kid and never really saw it. But the way my mother and the other women talked…. Anyway,...

On the whole, it's a really well-written piece, but the absence of any real issues for the characters to deal with left me an uninterested observer. In the end, it's just happy people having happy sex- not my kind of story.

Take Care,
Penny
 
Penny,

Many, many thanks for your time and suggestions. A shorter version of the story, reflecting much of the SDC input, has now been posted in the Nude Day Contest list It's Ability That Counts

It's still a long way from perfect, either as writing or message. But the first e-mail comment was encouraging.

Great story....I is good to read a story where everyone is not "barbie doll" perfect. Scars...a flesh and blood reminder of how fragile we are....you ain't lived 'til you've got scars.A good line from a country song.
Thanks M&S


Public comments aside, please don't hesitate to post here any thoughts you feel like sharing concerning what you REALLY feel about the revised version.

Thanks again for all the help.

Rumple Foreskin :cool:
 
Last edited:
Back
Top