Story Discussion: "Moving On" by LaRascasse on 8th Feb 2012

[LaRascasse]

Moving On

In keeping with my continuing zeal to write something off the beaten track, there is this little vignette. Do not be scared off by the category, there is nothing graphic or "horrific" in it. What do you think of it?

1. Is the information block at the start of the story necessary? I put it there so I wouldn't have to explain it in bits and pieces later.

2. How is the dinner conversation?

3. What do you think of what Karen does after the dinner? Is it well laid out?

4. What do you make of the dialogue in the dream?

5. Did you get the ending at one go? What did you think of it?

6. What do you make of the story overall? Is it in the correct category?

Phew! that's a lot of question. Any feedback will be gratefully appreciated.

 

[Penelope Street]

This thread was created outside of the customary queue.

Though I see no reason to imagine there was any intent to circumvent procedure, this still may have resulted in the thread being ignored since another discussion was in progress at the time.

Since that other discussion has essentially run its course and the queue is empty, there's no reason this story can't have its proverbial time in the spotlight.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Welcome to the SDC, LaRascasse. I would have responded earlier, but I was waiting for the moderator to approve the thread. With that accomplished, here are my thoughts on the story.

1. Is the information block at the start of the story necessary? I put it there so I wouldn't have to explain it in bits and pieces later.

I'm afraid that I found this background detail unnecessary and distracting. Very little of the information contained in those paragraphs ever comes up again in the rest of the story. For that reason, it was almost entirely unnecessary.

If you felt so strongly about those details that all of that information had to be included, then perhaps you should have written a prequel. The events leading up to Adrian's death would make a moving story, and would have done a better job setting up the finale than you accomplished with a five paragraph summary.

I think you wanted the introduction to serve as an appetizer to be followed with a sumptuous meal, but I felt as though I missed the meal and arrived just in time for coffee.

If you preferred to keep the story short and bittersweet, then I think it would have been a more effective strategy to reference the more important information in the body of the story.

2. How is the dinner conversation?

For me, this was the best part of the story. This is where we learned the most about Karen and Adrian, where she seemed the most sympathetic. You did a very good job portraying Karen's emotions as she fought to keep them under her control. Her struggle to tell the story without breaking down was the most effective part of the entire piece.

This also would have been the perfect place to sprinkle in some of the more important details that were listed in block form at the beginning. The Markhams would have been the perfect foils for a discussion of Karen and Adrian's history before the illness. I think you missed an opportunity to elevate a very good scene to a truly remarkable, moving scene.

3. What do you think of what Karen does after the dinner? Is it well laid out?

This is where you started to lose me. I was interested when Karen removed the vial and syringe and injected herself, but almost everything after that was problematic. First of all, almost no one uses LSD in liquid form. It is far more commonly available in blotter form. Even when it is used as a liquid, there is no reason to inject it directly into the veins. It is far easier and just as effective to place a drop of liquid below the tongue.

Secondly, 10 ml is a massive dose. If my math is correct, that is nearly 10 x the average dose. Now, if she is doing it three times in one week she will have to increase the dosage, but 10 ml is a stretch.

Finally, the controlled hallucination she has just doesn't work for me at all. LSD - especially at high doses - takes the user on a trip without a navigator. It isn't possible to insert oneself into a predestined fantasy, or to schedule a date with a lost loved one. Rather, it is like getting into a roller coaster with your eyes closed. You have no idea where you are going, where you have been, and how you will arrive.

4. What do you make of the dialogue in the dream?

I thought it was rather one note. Karen expressed that she missed Adrian, and Adrian told her to let go.

I think you missed another huge opportunity here. In the introductory block, you make much of the fact that the relationship is quasi-incestuous. That fact never comes up again in the story, and seems to be thrown in for shock value, only. This would have been the perfect place to explore that dynamic and to make it meaningful. Otherwise, they are just two lovers separated by tragedy.

5. Did you get the ending at one go? What did you think of it?

I did get it, but I am left asking 'why'?

First of all, a few reality problems intrude on the story. How did she get the body from the funeral home? Since there was a murder investigation, there would have been an autopsy, and the body would have to be released from the coroner to a licensed funeral curator. How does it end up in her freezer?

Also, there is a major timeline issue. A typical LSD trip lasts 6-12 hours. The user is wide awake while tripping. Karen, however, woke up and slipped out of her trip instantly, and then went to the kitchen to cook dinner. It just doesn't work that way.

The bigger problem for, however, is why? I understand that it reveals her madness, but I already have a clue that she is unhinged after her fantasy ritual. We already know that Adrian is dead, so the scene lacks the Psycho impact after which it was patterned. I'm left with the feeling that what we really have is the same story told two ways, using redundant plot devices. I would say that it would have been better to use one or the other, but only one allowed the possibility of a sex scene.

6. What do you make of the story overall? Is it in the correct category?

I guess it's in the correct category. I mean, I couldn't think of another category that would be a better fit, so by default your selection should prevail.

I have some real problems with the story structure. Much of it stems from the inaccurate description of LSD usage. That could be fixed, however, by merely inventing a psychotropic drug with the qualities you require. It could have been something developed by Carmichael Industries.

My bigger problem is that the story doesn't build to a climax. We know Adrian is dead, so that can only be his corpse in the refrigerator. There is no resolution to Karen's loneliness. Instead, we discover that she is mad.

You have some good ideas and one good scene, but they aren't enough to create a good story. They needed further development. With some restructuring, however, this story could be fixed.