Story Discussion: March 12, 2006. "Poly Polly" by Penelope Street.

[Penelope Street]

Hi!

Thanks for dropping by. The single-scene piece that follows is a little over five thousand words long and there aren't any real breaks, so if that's too long you can stop now. If you're still here, I hope you enjoy the read and the discussion. My plans, concerns, and questions follow in separate posts after the story.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Penelope Street]

The Story:

Poly Polly

© 2006 by Penelope Street

Hi! I'm Polly.

Of course, my mom named me Mary, then called me Polly. Can't say she was ever too bright. Who the fuck ever thought up Polly as a nickname for Mary? Not that I mind, really. Mary sounds like a saint. There might even be one, come to think of it. Who the hell wants to be named after a saint?

So, yeah, that's my name, Polly. Not Mary. Polly. Got it?

I suspect some of y'all is wondering what's that other Poly about, right? It's short for polyamorous. Need to look it up? I did. I'll save you the trouble; it means I can be in love with more that one person at the same time. Hell, can be? I always am. Monogamy? Exclusivity? Can't do 'em; won't try. Who invented that non-fucking-sense anyway? Probly some old hag wasn't getting any. O' course I don't use big words like them no how. My sister does. Big words like them is always bullshit anyhow.

So, yeah. That's me. Poly Polly. Kinda catchy, huh? Even if my sister did sorta make it up, I still like it. I like me too. That always helps, don't it? So what else you wanna know? Probly what I look like, huh? At least all you guys probly wanna know that.

Might as well start with my breasts right? That's where you guys look first, doncha? You know you do, I done seen ya! Well, I ain't got no big tits, that's for sure, so if you was maybe hopin' for some tit-fucking in this story, you might just as well close it and go look somewhere else. Still, I like my little boobs. They'ze nice and soft and don't get in the way much. And just 'cause they ain't big don't mean they don't like attention!

I spose a few of you might like to know about the rest of me. I'm on the thin side. Hundert and twenty-five pounds or so. Not too tall either. Five foot three on the button. That's a nice height to be, doncha think? I got red hair that's kinda wavy and a bit of a pain in the ass; keep it in a ponytail a lot. Yeah, there's freckles too. And blue eyes. Dark blue. Kinda beady, I hear. My teeth are big and a bit crooked here and there, which sucks cause I smile alot.

Why do I smile a lot? Well, one reason is because I like me and I like it. That's right, I like sex. Girls is allowed to like it too. I could have some morning, noon, and night. I'm not the one that has to go stroking myself to get ready. I'm always ready.

Now just cause I'm ready and home doesn't mean I couldn't get a date. Hello, it's Monday? Not exactly a big date night, now is it? I still coulda had a date tonight if I wanted one. Just didn't want one. No rule says I hafta fucking want one, right? Besides, it's early. How do you know someone's not comin' over? Sometimes the best dates are at home anyway. Like my first time. Happened right over there on that futon as a matter of fact.

So how old was I my first time? Well, hello? I read the fucking rules already. I was eighteen or I couldn't be telling you here, now could I? Bullshit you say? Well, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Any of y'all wanna prove me a liar you can go find Charlie and see what he has to say. Good luck though, I don't even know where the fuck he is. Don't care neither.

Yeah. Charlie. That's the boy I fucked. Or he fucked me. Does the boy always fuck the girl? That don't seem quite fair, not that it matters; it was good no matter who fucked who.

Now you guys probly don't much give a shit much what Charlie looked like, but I reckon a few of you girls might. He was a bit taller than me. Not much though. Stocky too, but not fat. Not like my sister. He had this kinda sandy blond hair, kept it short. Nice. Face was on the round side. Cute little nose. Cute ass too, though not so little; just right, you know?

He lived just up the road. I'd knowed him for years. We used to go shoot frogs with his pellet gun up by the pond, until one day I shot his dog instead. On accident, of course! I'd never shoot no critter on purpose to hurt it. 'Cept frogs. Few birds too.

Anyways, my first time was a few years ago when me and Charlie was watchin' some movie real late one night. So, yeah, I was in my recliner and Charlie was laying over there on my futon. We'd been hangin' like that most nights over the summer. Now I'd let him kiss me a few weeks earlier. Well, more than let him, I'd asked him too. Told him I'd never been kissed before. Guys always fall for that. I might use it until I'm married. And I ain't never gettin' married.

The movie was kind of boring, whatever it was, so I was wonderin' if Charlie maybe wanted to kiss again. I could see him squirmin' over there on the futon and I figured it weren't the movie.

Now I'd read some of them romance stories; you know the dumb ones that got some lady in her fancy underwear on the cover; her mouth is half open with this distant look on her face and some pirate or cowboy hanging over her like he's about to take her ass in the middle of some flowery meadow. Yeah, I'd read plenty of those, the good ones where it actually says a little of what actually happened, not just some yackin' about how pretty the fucking willows look down by the creek.

So, yeah, where was I? Oh yeah, I read some of them books, so I knowed why a guy squirms. I kept looking over at Charlie, thinkin' if his cock was hard. Wondered what it looked like too. Well, I'd seen pictures of guys, but you never know until you see a real one, right? I especially wanted to know what it felt like. But I didn't really want to be a slut and just ask like my sister woulda done. I ain't like her.

Ok, so then I said something like, "I'm gettin' a little sleepy. How 'bout we set the futon out so I can lay down?"

Charlie grunted an, "Ok," and stood up.

I'd slept on the futon watching TV many a time, so I had it laid out in no time. "You can lay with me if you want," I said. "But don't go gettin' any ideas." That's right, buddy, don't get any ideas. Just because I might be curious what a dick feels like don't make me a slut like my sister.

So, yeah, we laid there awhile, spoonin' and watchin' the movie, or at least pretending to. He was behind me, cuddlin' me from back there. Every few minutes, he squeezed me a little tighter. I tried to wiggle my ass, casual like of course, back into him- just to see if it was hard mind you.

I damn near squirmed right off the mattress when I felt him and he was. It's one thing to read about some stiff cock in a stupid book, but having one rubbing against your ass, knowing it wants to be in you, well, that's better'n any book!

After about fifteen minutes of this half-cuddlin', half-gropin', and another half grindin', I figured Charlie'd been a gentleman enough I ought to make the first move. So I rolled over and kissed him. He kissed me back of course. It was perfect. No tongues but lots of lip sucking. Long and a little sloppy too. Charlie's hands started to get a bit bolder; he got 'em up under my tank top pretty quick. But since he was a good kisser, he deserved at least a feel; doncha think?

Too many guys underestimate a good kiss. Not that I think a whole lot of Julia Roberts and her 'I'm prettier than you could ever fucking be' grin, but the scrawny beaver had it right in that movie where she plays some whore what thinks she deserves better. I thought she deserved, "Nice blowjob, here's twenty bucks, there's the door." But that's not my point; my point is a good kiss can be better than a fuck. Of course, I didn't know it when I was kissin' Charlie, cause I hadn't been fucked yet, but I knew it was pretty damn good and he was welcome to feel my tits as long as he kissed me like that.

Yep. That's my point. Kiss a girl right and see what you get. I don't know how long that went on, but my nipples was good and hard when we finally stopped to breathe.

"You like boobs?" I whispered between pants.

"Yeah."

"You like mine?"

"Yeah."

"You like to suck them?"

"Yeah."

"You wanna suck 'em?"

"Yeah."

Well, Charlie done scored a quick hundert on that little pop quiz, so I figured he'd earned a gold star. Havin' little boobs can be handy, in this case all I had to do was pull my top up around my shoulders. Yep, no bra. Think about that next time you have to unwrap a couple of them coconut-sized hangers!

So anyway, Charlie's mouth was all over my nipples before I even let go of the cloth. Pretty soon the little boy had me squirming. He was as good a sucker as he was a kisser. Lots o' tongue and no teeth. Lots of time too; no single swirl around each nipple- no, he sucked me long and good.

He only stopped on account o' we heard a door open. Charlie bounced upright in an instant.

I sat up beside him. "What's wrong?"

His eyes moved to our kitchen. I looked too. I could hear my sister opening and slamming some drawers back there all impatient like.

"Who's that?" he whispered. I love how a boy's eyes grow about three times their usual size when they thinks my dad is gonna catch 'em in bed with me.

"It's just Eddie," I said. "She came in the back way, by our bedrooms."

"Is that ok?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, she always comes in that way. It's closer to the driveway, but she has t' come through the house instead of the backyard."

"No!" Charlie snapped. "Is she ok with me being here?"

I giggled. Couldn't help it. "I don't know," I told him. "And I don't care. You wanna know, reckon you can go ask her."

"What if she comes in here?"

"Even her stupid ass will probly figure out she ain't welcome. Unless you hopin' for her to join us?"

Charlie's head shook so fast it done looked like it was the tail of a rattlesnake. "No," he said. "I don't want that."

"You best not," I said. "Now where was we?" I paused to lick my lips. "Oh, yeah." I pulled my shirt back up. "I think we was here."

As soon as Charlie moved his mouth back toward my breasts, I shoved my shirt back down. I love startlin' guys when they got tit on the brain. Poor boy looked up at me- same look he had that day I shot his dog.

"You like kissin'?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"You like suckin'?"

"Yeah."

Another perfect score! I jumped up, threw off my shirt and then my jeans. Then I grabbed this ratty old blanket I kept near my recliner for when it gets cold in the basement. Good thing I's lazy and left it there all summer, huh? Anyway, I grabbed it and jumped back on the futon. I covered myself with the blanket, then winked. "So, you wanna kiss and suck some more?"

Charlie's head just bobbed. He had that goofy look guys get when they don't dare say nothin' for fear of saying somethin' wrong.

I flipped the blanket up just to give him a quick peek. "Well? What are you waiting for?"

Charlie smiled big. "Yeah!"

Now I was expectin' he'd come up and kiss me again, or at least suck my tits some more. I'd had enough suckin' mind you, but I was thinkin' to maybe get my hand down and get a feel of his dick while he did it.

Ol' Charlie surprised me though. He crawled under the blanket, but only got up to my waist before he stopped. I jerked when he kissed my thigh. Then I shivered. My hand found the top of his head under the sheet. I gave him a nice little pet so he'd know I liked it, and so he'd maybe do it again.

He did, of course. Kissed and sucked my thighs good. Both of 'em. I remember looking up and there was a different movie on. Don't remember what though. Didn't care then neither.

I slid my hand under the blanket and pulled my panties to one side. "You can kiss me here, if you want." He did. And he knew what he was doing. Or maybe you don't hafta know. Maybe you just hafta do it.

The way he did it was to spread his tongue out and put it right down near my little cunt hole, then just push and run it all the way to the top. My pussy bounced right off the little mattress, beggin' him to lick it again. And he did, just like that. Nice wide long licks. No hurry. Are you guys taking notes? That's right; Nice, wide, long licks and no fucking hurry! Write it down. It's important!

Pretty soon he had me good and squirming. Moaning a bit too. I heard my sister come into the kitchen once. I figured she'd done enough moaning of her own that she could figure out what we was doin' and to stay the hell away. I reckon she's at least that smart. At least she was that night.

So then I threw the blanket off and started watchin' Charlie lick my pussy. I kept running my hands through his hair, grabbin' his hair sometimes as I pushed my little pussy into his face.

Then I felt him push at my entry- only it weren't his tongue. He started stroking me inside with his finger while he was stroking me outside with his tongue.

Guys, don’t ever underestimate a good finger! If y'all ever need proof that size ain't that important just spread out your hand and look at it. Then think how those fingers can make a girl squirm, if you just use 'em right! How many of you guys just looked at your hand? See, you knowed I was right!

So where was I? Oh yeah, Charlie was fingering me good and lickin me even better. My mouth fell open and I started to pant. I'd frigged myself a few times so I knew what was coming- me! "Oh, God," I gasped. "Don't stop."

Why do us girls hafta say that all the fucking time? Because you guys never seem to grasp that we know we're gonna cum more than five fucking seconds in advance! More like a couple minutes in my case.

And what a couple o' minutes! Down in my innards there was this swelling kinda sensation, like maybe I had to pee, but not quite. My little pussy lips were flexing and squeezing, begging for more. Then my body started pulsing. I always heard the old advice, 'Just let it happen.' Well, that don't work for me. I gotta squeeze and squirm and concentrate and work a bit to make it happen.

But it was better with Charlie, cause at least he was doing the work part! So I was doin' the squeezing and squirming and the concentrating part- and beggin' too, "Oh, God, Charlie, please don't stop! Don't stop. Don't you dare leave me like this. Yes, yes, y- y- yes!"

With a grunt, my thighs snapped upward smacking 'gainst his cheeks. I might have sprayed him too. I do that. He stopped. And you guys wonder why we get upset!

"No!" I screamed. "More. Keep going!" Even with my limited frigging experience I knew that the first one was just a tease compared to the second.

Charlie, bless his heart, he didn't say a word before he went right back to work. Soon I could feel my insides all flexing again. I don't even know what parts is in there, but they was all movin' at the same time, just right like they's meant to move like that.

I didn't scream nothin' as the second one hit me. My eyes rolled back in my head. I remember my legs shaked. Then I clamped my thighs around his head and rolled as the passion boiled right out of my pussy.

Ok, I read that last bit in one of them romance books, but that's how it was, honest! I'm not sure exactly what happened next, except I grunted a lot and it felt way fucking better than it ever had before.

Somehow we ended up on the floor with me sitting on his face. Pretty cool since I don't even remember how it happened. Wish I had a video so I could see. Charlie was a real quick learner. He was licking me again before I even knew where I was. I remember my eyes bulging when I realized number three was on its way!

He made this gargling sound just as a shudder went all the way from my head to my toes. I moaned, well, more like whimpered; clenching all of my muscles for one incredible moment in the aftermath of what I thought must have been the orgasm to end all orgasms.

Well, Charlie was all sputterin' and coughin' so I eased back on his chest, without thinking mind you, soaking his shirt in my cunt juice. "God that was good, Charlie," I said, as if he didn't know, but I figured it didn't hurt none to tell him.

So, yeah. My thighs was still twitching. I wanted more. "Let's fuck," I hissed. Leaning back, I reached for his belt buckle. Then I heard the most hideous of words.

"No."

Whoever the fuck ever told guys it was ok to say that word needs to be bitch slapped. My eyebrows dropped at once. "What?"

"I don't have a condom."

"I don't care," I whined. Then I pouted, lip stuck way out like one of them tribal women what has a lower lip looks like a duck, you know the ones? 'Cept mine weren't out quite that far.

Where was I? Oh yeah. "I want to do it," I said. "Now!" Pouting usually works with guys, especially when they think they ain't gonna get any if they don't behave. But it didn't work for shit this time.

"No," Charlie insisted. "We really shouldn't."

"Oh," I purred. "But you know you want to." I shifted my hand from his belt to rest upon his cock, expecting to find the same rock hard shaft that had nuzzled my ass earlier.

Instead I found a squishy lump. I jumped off right off him. I knelt beside him and check out his cock before giving it another feel. "You don't want to!" I gasped. "What'd I do wrong? You wanted me earlier, didn't you?"

Charlie smiled as he sat upright. He moved his pointin' finger towards my face and then pushed in my lower lip. I guess I didn't even realize was still pouting. "It's not that," he insisted. "You're hot. I do want you."

His face was beet red. I just knew he was lying. "Then why did you go soft?" I asked.

Charlie's eyes went just about everywhere but me, visiting his groin a couple of times. "I already came."

"What? When?"

"I lost it while we were still on the couch."

I looked to my little futon, then back to Charlie. "Really?"

He gave me this wimpy little nod. "Please don't tell anyone."

I leaned over and pulled his face to my breast. I was just thinkin' to cuddle, but he started suckling again right away. "Don't worry," I said as I combed his hair with my fingers. "I won't tell nobody."

Well, guess I done broke that promise, now didn't I? But how can a girl not tell something like that? I mean, how the fuck hot is it that a guy lost his load just from eating me! And my first time! That sort of good shit just has to be shared!

My eyes found his cock while he sucked my little titties. Or more like the jeans that covered his cock. I kept combing his hair with my one hand while I sent the other on one of them recognizance missions. When I got to his jeans I thrust my palm between them and his waist before he even had a chance to breathe.

He stiffened at once and I did too. The little bugger was growing again! A shiver went through my body as I started stroking him, rubbing the slimy cum for his first load all over his hardening cock.

"You do want me!" I whispered.

"Yeah."

It's nice to be wanted! I jumped back on the futon and spread myself. "Ok! Let's do it!"

Charlie's head more vibrated than shook. "No. I still don't have a condom."

"I don't care!"

"I do," he insisted. "I'm not getting you pregnant."

I could feel my clutching pussy lips below just begging to be filled. Most of me wanted to agree with them, but I think like three brain cells said, 'No!' With a sigh, I admitted them three was right.

"Ok." I nodded. "But you have to let me do something for you."

"You don't have to. I already got off once."

"Hey. I got three," I insisted. "And I want to. Really." I wasn't being slutty, mind you. I did owe him at least one. I did!

Charlie shrugged. "What'd you have in mind?"

I shrugged. "What do you want?"

"You wanna maybe suck it for awhile?"

My eyebrows went way up into my forehead. Sure, he'd just mouthed my privates, but I wasn't really ready to do his. Back then I thought blowjobs was one o' them weird things only my sister and pornstars did! Of course, I hadn't knowed a mouth could work such magic on my pussy an hour earlier. I tongued my lips. My eyes found the bulge in his jeans. What was I sposed to do? I mean, I did owe him.

"Ok," I agreed with a nod. Then I rolled onto one side near the edge of the mattress.

Boy did he lose those pants in a hurry! Like two seconds later I was looking right at his the shining head of his cock. My nose twitched as I sniffed his first load. It was an odd smell, but not a bad one. Kinda like bleach and potato soup.

My eyes drifted upward. "What do I do?"

"Just put the end in your mouth and suck on it."

I nodded and looked back to Charlie's cock. With a sigh, I steadied his rod with one hand and moved my lips over the head. It was way smoother than it looked. Soft too. I gave it a lick. Odd flavor, a man's cum. Some say it's an acquired taste, but I sort of liked it right away; has a bit of a sour tang- rotten even. Made me feel nice and nasty all at the same time.

Charlie gave a little moan and pushed his cock at me just a bit. I took the hint and moved my lips past his head.

"Oh," Charlie begged. "Yeah, suck it for me."

I closed my eyes as I concentrated on his cock. My tongue went all over the bottom. I love the feeling of that big, soft, bulge underneath! Plus there's some power in having a cock in your mouth; I mean all you have to do is clamp down and he could be done having sex for life! But there's another kind of power too, knowin' I get to pick when he cums.

That's the power what got me excited as I started sucking him for real, running my lips and tongue over his rod. Hearing him moan only made me hotter.

I didn't figure there was no reason I shouldn't get off too. I moved my free hand to my pussy, where I began to rub in slow circles. I've heard some women need a gentle pressure on their little clitty, but not me! I think mine must be shy or something because I gotta bump and grind a bit to make it happen. After a few minutes, I spose I got a little caught up in my own pleasure.

"Teeth, teeth," Charlie squeaked. "Watch the teeth."

"Sorry," I said. Then I opened my mouth a bit wider, trying to cover my teeth with my lips. I started sucking him again. Charlie put his hands on my head. He didn't grab my hair and try to fuck my face or nothin', just pushed a bit, hinting me to suck faster. Then his hips began to move. I must have been doing it right cause he started leaking right away after that.

I admit I was a bit worried just then, thinking if any second he might flood my mouth with a load of cum. Sure, I didn't really mind a little taste, but I wasn't sure I wanted a whole mouthful. In fact, I was pretty sure I didn't.

Then I started feeling my own climax start to build. I forgot all about him cumming in my mouth, was maybe even looking forward to it, when Charlie said, "You better stop."

I was kind of into it by then and maybe wasn't payin' too much attention. Took two more slurps before I freed my mouth. I looked up at his face and asked, "What?"

Just then I got my answer from below. A solid stream of cum hit me square in the chin. I jumped, then looked down in time to catch the next one right on the end of my nose.

I blinked from the shock, but popped my eyes open again. Earlier, I'd only hoped to see a cock and maybe feel it too. I'd actually gotten to see one and taste it and now I had a chance to watch it shoot its stuff too! I was not about to miss a thing!

Eyes wide, I leaned back and started pumping again with my fist. "Yeah," I hissed, watchin' another milky stream come right out of his litte pee hole. My pussy was almost wigglin' on its own just from watchin' him shoot. I started rubbing myself harder. I really wanted to cum while he was still shooting.

I realized I wouldn't quite make it when his shots began landing on my neck and then my chest, instead of my face. His last little spurt just dribbled out and then hung under his head.

I was way fucking turned on at this point. I stuck my tongue out and leaned forward, taking his sexy cock back into my mouth just as my body started shaking. I started sucking him again as I came, the taste of his stuff adding to my own thrill.

"Ok, Ok," Charlie squawked. "That's good. Stop!"

I pulled my mouth off of him and looked up, still stroking his shaft even though it was gettin' a bit wobbly. "What?"

"It's ticklish. Please quit."

I smiled as I let his cock go. "Did I do ok?"

"Oh, God," Charlie gasped. "That was great!"

I looked down at my chest and the cum that was oozing down my tiny breasts. I imagined what my face must look like. Pretty sexy, no doubt! My little boobs was rising and falling with each breath. I brought one hand to each breast and started to rub his slimy load over my tits. I was just wondering if he could maybe go again when he looked to the clock on my VCR.

"Holy shit!" Charlie cried. "It's three A.M.!"

"Yeah So?"

"So I gotta get home," he said, yanking his pants up.

I couldn't believe it! "Why?"

"My mom's gonna be mad."

I couldn't help but laugh. "What?" I asked. "Your mom? Hello? We ain't kids nomore!"

"That's what you think. And that's what I think. But that's not what she thinks. I gotta go." He leaned down to kiss me on the forehead. "Bye." He grabbed his shoes and rushed for the door, but then stopped as he grabbed the handle. "Can I see you again tomorrow?"

I smiled. "Here?"

He smiled back. "Yeah."

I wrinkled my nose. "Bring some condoms."

His brows went way up and his eyes got big. "I will!"

Then he was gone. Was then I realized my first time was over. I was kinda sad for a second, but then I just had to smile. Sure, it weren't no fancy honeymoon overlooking Nigeria Falls or nothin', but it was still pretty fucking good!

I moved my hands over my neck and face and started to rub Charlie's fresh cum into my skin. Yeah. He'd given me what I wanted. He could go. Not like I wanted to do any pathetic cuddling anyways, doncha know?

I moaned a sigh then I fell back onto my futon, thinkin' over in my mind what just happened. I could still smell Charlie's spunk upon my hands. Yeah, I cupped my nose in my hands and took a deep breath. His scent stirred a pleasant feeling inside me and I just had to move one hand to my pussy. The other hand I kept to my nose as I took slow, deep breaths. Yeah, he smelled good. Sometimes I think I can still smell him. Eyes closed, I frigged myself to one more before I fell asleep.

That's right. I got eaten, not fucked for my first time. The rest of you girls is jealous, now ain't you? All you got was threes minutes of sweating and a big fucking mess, huh? I got to cum five times too. Bet you didn't even get one, did ya? You're probly thinking I'm a liar too, since I said I fucked Charlie. Or he fucked me. Whatever.

Well, I didn't say that was the first night, now did I? Pay 'tention already. That was the second night when me and him fucked. Yep. He came right back with a whole pack of condoms that next night. Hey, he's a guy; what'd you expect him to do!

The fucking was good too. Wasn't as good as the first night, but it was pretty good. So, yeah, me and Charlie was all that for a couple months. He got pissed when he found out I was fucking this foreign guy what had some long name started with a 'Z'. Wasn't his long name that I was interested in though!

Might tell y'all more about him sometime, but right now I got to go find my vibe. Thinking about Charlie sucking my pussy has made it drip a bit, doncha know.

Now where the hell did I put my vibe? I know it's around here somewhere. It's a nice bright red one. You think it'd be easy to find. Charlie didn't give it to me mind you. James did. Rewarded him right nice, I did. Could tell y'all that one too, but I ain't got the time just now. Maybe some other day.

Now where is that vibe? I know it was right here under my stockin's. Shit! I bet my goddam sister took it. The bitch! She better not be putting it up her ass again. I gotta find a better place to hide my toys.

"Eddie!"


THE END
Poly Polly
Copyright 2006 by Penelope Street

 

[Penelope Street]

Plans, Concerns, and Questions

I wrote "Poly Polly" almost two years ago. I understand it's really not a story at all; it's more of a character introduction. That's really the purpose of the piece. If it's amusing and/or arousing too, that's a bonus. At the time I wrote "Poly Polly", I had in mind to make a series out of it, but other stories kept stealing my attention, go figure.

Another reason this piece has sat gathering cyber dust for so long is the reactions of the handful of men I've asked to read it. None of them found Polly engaging. Polly is supposed to be everything she rants about, a superficial slut. She really doesn't like men, even though she is pretty much everything she bitches about regarding males. I'm comfortable that I got her character as I intended, a flawed character to be sure. What I'm not certain about is whether she's a character worthy of the time it would take to tell her story.

Thus my first questions would be: Would a series involving this character be of interest? Do you care what happens to Polly?

You might want to answer these before reading the my future plans for Polly.

The series I had in mind would unfold something like this:

Poly Polly and the Missing Vibrator:
Polly goes looking for her missing vibrator and discovers her sister Eddie has indeed borrowed it; but Eddie's not alone- and she's not with just any boy, but someone Polly has pined for- even thrown herself at- let's call him Greg just to have a name. Polly watches, of course, but she's as disturbed as she is aroused. First, she's jealous- in Polly's mind she's clearly prettier than Eddie- so why would Greg pick Eddie instead? Second, Polly's troubled that she's as interested in watching her sister as she is Greg. Third, there is something in the exhange between Eddie and Greg that Polly can't identify, something that seems missing from her own experience. That thing is passion, but oh how to have her tell it?! After watching several minutes Polly sneaks away in a huff. Eddie confronts Polly later, asking if she enjoyed the show- leading Polly to first deny, then vent, and finally to cry on her sister's shoulder.

Poly Polly and the Rich Bitch
Polly, still angry at all men because of Greg, decides she's a lesbian and has a fling with another girl, let's call her Stacey. Polly is attracted to Stacey, yet repulsed by her at the same time. Eventually Polly starts to see what she really doesn't like in Stacey: herself. But she won't admit it just yet.

Poly Polly and Why Women Prefer Six Inches
Polly's father discovers her lesbian activities and threatens to kick her out of the house. Polly decides show her father by dating a man that'll really piss her dad off- a black man, let's call him Brett. Polly, being superficial, expects her new beau to have a huge cock like all the ones she's seen in porn movies- but turns out he's not even as well-endowed as her other boyfriends. She feels ashamed of her expectations and it leads her to reevaluate what she likes about men, especially after Brett turns out to be quite the gentleman- and lover. When Brett discovers why Polly dated him in the first place, he's hurt and dumps her, though the reason he gives is that he won't come between her and her father.

Poly Polly does the Holy Grail
Polly is furious with her dad and moves out anyway first chance she gets. Of course, that chance involves moving into an apartment with a man she views as her knight in shining armor. She's really in love and starts signing her married name and all that. She figures since this is the love of her life, they should do the only thing she's never done before: anal. To her, this is the Holy Grail of sex- and relationships. Afterward she imagines they've consumated their eternal bond, she brings up the idea of marriage and learns he has no thoughts along the same lines. She presses and he admits what attracted him in the first place was her looks and her overt sexuality- but he's not sure what else has she to offer. She realizes this relationship is already all it will ever be. Does she want more? With her tail between her legs, she moves back home wondering if the Holy Grail of relationships is about something more than sex.

Poly Polly Gets Married
With her sister's help, Polly sorts things out, realizing that none of the men have wronged her, she's been the one cheating and lying and using people and who knows what else. Somewhere along the way to finding herself, she finds Mr. Right too. I think Polly's been through enough, has changed her witchy ways, and deserves a happy ending. Don't you?

Ok, that's the series I have in mind. Is Polly's story worth writing? Can it work with her in-your-face narration style? Polly's going to be miserable for most of the story; is Literotica even the place for her tale?

Of course, any other ideas and comments are appreciated.

Thanks Bunches,
Penny

 

[Selena_Kitt]

*peeking in*

Am I the first one here?

Would a series involving this character be of interest? Do you care what happens to Polly?

Well... Polly is distasteful, sort of... but she *is* interesting. Some of her comments felt a little over-the-top at first... but the deeper I got into the story, the more I realized they weren't "over-the-top" for Polly! :x I think a series like this could be of interest...

Is Polly's story worth writing? Can it work with her in-your-face narration style? Polly's going to be miserable for most of the story; is Literotica even the place for her tale?

I think it's worth writing if you want to write it... do you like her?? The points when I had sympathy for her most were those moments when she was comparing herself to her sister, not wanting to be seen "as a slut"--and of course, having to balance that with her lust. Also, the moment she realized Charlie wasn't hard anymore... her fear of not being wanted. For me, that added more depth to her character. (And you did it quite effectively, I think, still in Polly's voice...)

At first I didn't like her in-your-face narration, but it grew on me... she grew on me... I don't mind Polly being miserable, and it's a fine series for Lit if you give her a happy ending and all

Of course, any other ideas and comments are appreciated.

The sex was actually a turn-on...

I didn't like the "Poly/Polly" thing for some reason... "polyamorous" seemed out of place and way too big a word for her, even if she did look it up... also there's the POV thing... she's telling us this story clearly from some point in the future... but from your outline of a series, she does find Mr. Right... which makes her no longer "Poly" Polly... unless that's not going to be a monogamous relationship?

Overall, I think you've done a good job characterizing her... and setting the stage... I'd say keep going, if it interests you to keep going...

 

[Owlwhisper]

.....

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Selena,

Am I the first one here?

Looks that way!

I think it's worth writing if you want to write it... do you like her??

No. I admire her spunk and pity her for being so shallow, but I don't really like her. But that doesn't mean I can't empathize with her.

The points when I had sympathy for her most were those moments when she was comparing herself to her sister, not wanting to be seen "as a slut"--and of course, having to balance that with her lust. Also, the moment she realized Charlie wasn't hard anymore... her fear of not being wanted. For me, that added more depth to her character. (And you did it quite effectively, I think, still in Polly's voice...)

Thank you. I don't think most men understand how them climaxing soon can be such a turn on- as long as they don't ignore us afterward- or fall asleep!

I didn't like the "Poly/Polly" thing for some reason... "polyamorous" seemed out of place and way too big a word for her, even if she did look it up...

Well, that's not good, is it? I kinda liked it because Polly thinks Eddie paid her some kind of compliment, when Eddie was really just calling Polly a slut with a big word Polly didn't know- at least that's my take on it.

... also there's the POV thing... she's telling us this story clearly from some point in the future... but from your outline of a series, she does find Mr. Right... which makes her no longer "Poly" Polly... unless that's not going to be a monogamous relationship?

Polly tells the above part of her tale at some point in the future relative to her relationship with Charlie, but prior to the rest of the story. Does that make sense?

Overall, I think you've done a good job characterizing her... and setting the stage... I'd say keep going, if it interests you to keep going...

Thanks so much for peeking in and sharing your thoughts.


Take Care,
Penny
---

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Owlwhisper,

Thanks for stopping by!

Maybe the reactions are because Polly comes across as too strident, particularly at the beginning? If I'd been in a room with her, that initial roughness would have made me want to step back and look for the door.

Nice image, you toeing for the door.

I wonder if you could remain true to her but make the story more inviting (if that's the word) by mixing in more characters sooner, and letting us learn about Polly through her interactions with them more than you have. Or maybe take a diary approach, and go third-person except when she's summarizing or previewing the action? Just some thoughts.

I think inviting is the perfect word. The challenge is, how do I show the reader what a witch Polly is without turning them off- a short story is all about a character changing, right? I'm not sure how introducing other characters would help?

The diary is a great idea. I'll have to think about that one; my intuition says I won't be able to make it believable, let alone arousing. Not that I'll be able to do that either way!

You've created her with a lot of life and energy, and most of all a strong personality. It's hard not to get interested in a character like that.

What do you mean by strong? If you mean she's a well-developed character, thank you. I think of Polly as suffering an innate lack of confidence she tries to conceal with brashness. To me, that's a weak personality. Do you read the same?

What would make her of more interest to me would be if, in the series to come, you provide a sense that her personality is going someplace, that it's not a static thing. You obviously plan for her transformation by the time she gets married; if you can work that transformation process into each episode, that'd be terrific.

That's a big if, huh?! My plan is to show she's hurt, and confused, in the second chapter. Will that help?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[sincerely_helene]

Thanks for the invite to take part in the discussion, Penelope! I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules by doing so.

First off, I thought the monologue style to be a pretty creative approach. I could almost physically see Polly on a theater stage, boldly strutting her rugged, twiggy, wild-haired self without even the faintest hint of damaged pride or regret.

Though the character descriptions were quite vivid, there were a couple points where I felt they could have been summarized a little more without losing any of the visual effect. That's mostly just because I have a weird thing about descriptions though, so you may want to check with others on that.

Just a thought, but I was considering maybe the reason "Polly" hasn't recieved much acclaim in the arousal department is because she comes off as too masculine and red-necky? I think there is a certain appeal towards the tomboy type, however Polly seems to almost cross the line at a few points. I could see this bothering some of the male (and maybe female) audience if they are used to the typical erotica featuring curvacious, soft, gentle, girly-girl type characters.

I also admit to all sorts of unenticing hick stereotypes entering my mind the moment she spoke. I kept picturing trailer park parodies and Jerry Springer episodes.

On the other hand, I can really appreciate your decision to stand your ground and dare to create a "flawed" (human) character for a change. I have been wanting to do this for a long time but could never begin to make it work nearly as well as you did.

What I like about Polly besides that she is "real," is that if she doesn't make you hard, she will at least keep you entertained and intrigued. I would personally love to see the results should you choose to continue with the series. I know that evolving such a character would be difficult, but judging from your previous writings I think you are well up to the challenge.

One thing to consider is that if you do impliment the diary suggestion, your character will lose her hillbilly accent. If you think that is a vital part in expressing her persona, it may not work.

Good job, Penelope! I look forward to reading more.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I've been lurking on this one, wanting to see some other responses before I posted, because I'm one of the men Penny showed this story to who didn't care for Polly. That was almost a year ago, and I'll admit I've wondered about the story a few times since.

We all know Penny is a terrific writer, and I think she's accomplished what she set out to do with Polly, which was to create a shallow, totally unrefined, sex-driven female character. (I almost added "brutally honest" to that list, but Polly's not, is she?) The question I always had was—why would you want to do that?

For me, the problem isn't Polly's frankness or sexuality or rough edges. It's her shallowness, her lack of any emotion but lust, and lust of the most superficial sort—a desire for physical sensation no matter where she can get it. Hearing the story through her words makes her entire world seem as shallow and flat as she is, and for me, at least, that makes her story and her life very unattractive and uninteresting. Off-putting, even. I admit it—like Owlwhisper, I don’t like being around Polly. She's too emotionally bleak for me. She doesn't see anything but surfaces.

The piece raises all sorts of questions for me about unpleasant characters in fiction. There's nothing wrong with featuring unpleasant characters—in fact, if you're serious, you have to deal with the dark as well as the light—so why do I find Polly so annoying? (And that's the thing: it's not just that she's unemotional. I actually find her unpleasant.)

I think any character has to have an access point, a way we can get into them and connect empathetically. We want to empathize and experience what they do, and for me, Polly is totally lacking an entrance (except for the one she's so concerned about.) Experiences don’t go through her, they go over and around her. She's not even emotionally engaged enough in her own story for me to care.

The parts I found most accessible are the ones Selena mentioned too—Polly's vulnerability concerning her sister, mainly. I also liked the part about her inhaling the scent of Charlie's come. In there I felt a spark of something a little deeper in Polly's mind, like a glimmer of awareness. That was pretty quickly dimmed down though.

I think what I'm trying to say is that in making Penny shallow, you might have gone too far in stripping away all emotions and making her a Teflon character I just can't care about. I mean, it seems to me that even the most abject fuck-slut has some feelings about what she's doing—shame, maybe, or defiance, or a kind of perverse pride in her own sluttiness. Polly doesn't. Her fucking is singularly joyless. This is a girl who doesn't really enjoy sex, for all the things she says.

Penny's done a terrific job of creating a clueless, man-hating character who uses sex to get back at the world. But once again, I have to ask: why? I like the idea of setting her up to be hurt, but quite honeslty, I'm not going to hang around that long.

Anyhow, I don’t think I have to answer any more of your questions, do I? *L* I don’t like Polly. Not even a little. I really admire the creation, but I don't like the character.

EDITED TO ADD: Just a comment on a personal (or maybe a sexual) prejudice. I have a feeling women are going to be more sympathetic to Polly than men are. Men are much more romantic when it comes to sex than women, I think, and even the most shallow cocksman likes to think that he's making love when he fucks, touching the woman's heart as well as her body. Women often seem to have this frankness about sex that alarms men or rather disarms us, robbing us of our romantic illusions and reducing the act to its most physical essentials, which are, of course, pretty damned ludicrous.

Polly has this frankness in spades, and quite honestly, I think that I find her kind of threatening to my own romantic delusions as a man. She's like the ugly truth about sex, and she makes me want to cover my ears. I just don't want to hear it.

 

[sincerely_helene]

I don't think you and I have been dating the same sorts of men, Doc.

 

[Owlwhisper]

.....

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Polly has this frankness in spades, and quite honestly, I think that I find her kind of threatening to my own romantic delusions as a man. She's like the ugly truth about sex, and she makes me want to cover my ears. I just don't want to hear it.

That's quite a bit of self-reflection (and revelation), Doc!

and the image of you with your hand over your ears going "la la la" has me smiling...


I think you're right, I think women WILL be more sympathetic to Polly than men. We women know that we all have thought about sex this way, and men this way, and life this way, at SOME point... if not with Polly's pervasiveness...

Polly is like that part of us personified... it's kind of amazing to see her out there walking in and talking and, well, fucking... <grin>

It's a shadow part of women... one we don't often admit (partly because men don't like us to, and we are very sensitive, most of us, to what men do and don't like)... but it is appealing, in its darkness...

That said... there is something missing in her, Penny... and that may come with more in the series as she develops... but those glimpses I got, like Doc said, were glossed over pretty quick... You can give us more without compromising her attitude and tone... especially through her reactions to others... her sister, Charlie... just a little bit more, not a lot... that would do it, I think... at least, for me...

 

[Penelope Street]

Though the character descriptions were quite vivid, there were a couple points where I felt they could have been summarized a little more without losing any of the visual effect.

Example please?!

Just a thought, but I was considering maybe the reason "Polly" hasn't received much acclaim in the arousal department is because she comes off as too masculine and red-necky?
...
I also admit to all sorts of unenticing hick stereotypes entering my mind the moment she spoke. I kept picturing trailer park parodies and Jerry Springer episodes.
...
One thing to consider is that if you do implement the diary suggestion, your character will lose her hillbilly accent. If you think that is a vital part in expressing her persona, it may not work.

This worried me too, but I forgot to ask about it. Thanks for bringing it up. Would this story work better with less "voice" from Polly?

I don't think you and I have been dating the same sorts of men, Doc.

I should hope not.

 

[Penelope Street]

I think I read her the same way. I meant strong not to say she's a very secure and capable person, but to mean that when one encounters her there's no doubt about what kind of person she is, at least superficially. Outwardly, she's a force of nature. Inside, she's more complicated. Her bluster can make one curious about what's beneath it, and you've written her with glimpses of that interior, and that makes her interesting to me.

I thought that was what you meant. Thank for clarifying.

 

[Penelope Street]

I almost added "brutally honest" to that list, but Polly's not, is she?

Polly is meant to be a subjective, unreliable narrator. Anyone else not believe this early line from her: I like me too.

The piece raises all sorts of questions for me about unpleasant characters in fiction. There's nothing wrong with featuring unpleasant characters—in fact, if you're serious, you have to deal with the dark as well as the light—so why do I find Polly so annoying? (And that's the thing: it's not just that she's unemotional. I actually find her unpleasant.)

Speaking of honesty, I cherish yours. Thank you.

Her fucking is singularly joyless. This is a girl who doesn't really enjoy sex, for all the things she says.

I'd agree Polly doesn't enjoy the emotional aspect of initmacy, that exchange of a little piece of ourselves that most of us covet, but I think still she enjoys sex- even if it's in a primitive, animalistic way.

I have a feeling women are going to be more sympathetic to Polly than men are.

LOL. I have more than a feeling!

 

[Penelope Street]

and the image of you with your hand over your ears going "la la la" has me smiling...

Me too!

That said... there is something missing in her, Penny... and that may come with more in the series as she develops... but those glimpses I got, like Doc said, were glossed over pretty quick... You can give us more without compromising her attitude and tone... especially through her reactions to others... her sister, Charlie... just a little bit more, not a lot... that would do it, I think... at least, for me...

I don't suppose I could talk you into a sample of what you have in mind when you say 'just a little bit more'?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hey, am I the only male to respond to this thread so far?

Owlwhisper? Are you a pink or a blue?

 

[Owlwhisper]

.....

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Hi! I'm Rumple

Good read, Ms Penny. Polly’s dialect was well done and the sex stays nice and hot.

My major problem is that for a piece that is designed to introduce a charater, it leaves out a lot of W's, such as: Where does she live? When did this happen? What's the deal with her sister? Why is she telling this?

IMHO, she is not a strong enough character to build a series around. Maybe it's those missing W's or it could be a guy thing, but to quote old Rhett, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," about Polly.

I’ve made some comments in the text. Not having read the other crits, mine may be repetitious and, even if not, are probably useless. But at least the price was right.

Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any questions, comments or curses you feel like directing my way.

Rumple Foreskin

==

Hi! I'm Polly.

Of course, my mom named me Mary, then called me Polly. Can't say she was ever too bright. Who the fuck ever thought up Polly as a nickname for Mary? Not that I mind, really. Mary sounds like a saint. There might even be one, come to think of it. Who the hell wants to be named after a saint?

So, yeah, that's my name, Polly. Not Mary. Polly. Got it?

I suspect some of y'all is wondering what's that other Poly about, right? It's short for polyamorous. Need to look it up? I did. I'll save you the trouble; it means I can be in love with more that(SP?) one person at the same time. Hell, can be? I always am.

(JAS: I’LL SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE. IT MEANS I CAN BE IN LOVE WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT THE SAME TIME. “CAN BE, HELL. I ALWAYS AM.” or “CAN BE? HELL; ALWAYS AM.”)

Monogamy? Exclusivity? Can't do 'em; won't try. Who invented that non-fucking-sense anyway? Probly some old hag wasn't getting any. O' course I don't use big words like them no how. My sister does. Big words like them is always bullshit anyhow.

So, yeah. That's me. Poly Polly. Kinda catchy, huh? Even if my sister did sorta make it up, I still like it. I like me too. That always helps, don't it? So what else you wanna know? Probly what I look like, huh? At least all you guys probly wanna know that.

Might as well start with my breasts right? That's where you guys look first, doncha? You know you do, I done seen ya! Well, I ain't got no big tits, that's for sure, so if you was maybe hopin' for some tit-fucking in this story, you might just as well close it and go look somewhere else. Still, I like my little boobs. They'ze nice and soft and don't get in the way much. And just 'cause they ain't big don't mean they don't like attention!

I spose a few of you might like to know about the rest of me. I'm on the thin side. Hundert and twenty-five pounds or so. Not too tall either. Five foot three on the button. That's a nice height to be, doncha think? I got red hair that's kinda wavy and a bit of a pain in the ass; keep it in a ponytail a lot. Yeah, there's freckles too. And blue eyes. Dark blue. Kinda beady, I hear. My teeth are big and a bit crooked here and there, which sucks cause I smile alot.

Why do I smile a lot? Well, one reason is because I like me and I like it. That's right, I like sex. Girls is allowed to like it too. I could have some morning, noon, and night. I'm not the one that has to go stroking myself to get ready. I'm always ready.

MAYBE JUST A BIT LONG GETTING TO THE STORY

Now just cause I'm ready and home doesn't mean I couldn't get a date. Hello, it's Monday? Not exactly a big date night, now is it? I still coulda had a date tonight if I wanted one. Just didn't want one. No rule says I hafta fucking want one, right? Besides, it's early. How do you know someone's not comin' over? Sometimes the best dates are at home anyway. Like my first time. Happened right over there on that futon as a matter of fact.

GOOD TRANSITION

So how old was I my first time? Well, hello? I read the fucking rules already. I was eighteen or I couldn't be telling you here, now could I? Bullshit you say? Well, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Any of y'all wanna prove me a liar you can go find Charlie and see what he has to say. Good luck though, I don't even know where the fuck he is. Don't care neither.

--

The movie was kind of boring, whatever it was, so I was wonderin' if Charlie maybe wanted to kiss again. I could see him squirmin' over there on the futon and I figured it weren't the movie. (JAS: MIGHT NAME THE MOVIE)

--

So, yeah, we laid there awhile, spoonin' and watchin' the movie, or at least pretending to. He was behind me, cuddlin' me from back there. Every few minutes, he squeezed me a little tighter. I tried to wiggle my ass, casual like(COMMA?) of course, back into him- (DASH NOT HYPHEN) just to see if it was hard(COMMA) mind you.

I damn near squirmed right off the mattress when I felt him and(JAS: OMIT “AHD” ADD “ ‘CAUSE”) he was. It's one thing to read about some stiff cock in a stupid book, but having one rubbing against your ass, knowing it wants to be in you, well, that's better'n any book!

After about fifteen minutes of this half-cuddlin', half-gropin', and another half grindin', I figured Charlie'd been a gentleman enough (JAS: ADD “THAT”) I ought to make the first move. So I rolled over and kissed him. He kissed me back of course. It was perfect. No tongues but lots of lip sucking. Long and a little sloppy too. Charlie's hands started to get a bit bolder;(PERIOD?) he got 'em up under my tank top pretty quick. But since he was a good kisser, he deserved at least a feel; doncha think?

(YOU’VE BEEN USING A LOT OF SEMI-COLONS. TO ME THEY DON’T MATCH THE PROTAG’S DIALECT, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION. JAS: REPLACE MOST WITH PERIODS.)

Too many guys underestimate a good kiss. Not that I think a whole lot of Julia Roberts and her 'I'm prettier than you could ever fucking be' grin, but the scrawny beaver had it right in that movie where she plays some whore what thinks she deserves better. I thought she deserved, "Nice blowjob, here's twenty bucks, there's the door." But that's not my point;(PERIOD?) my point is a good kiss can be better than a fuck. Of course, I didn't know it when I was kissin' Charlie, cause I hadn't been fucked yet, but I knew it was pretty damn good and he was welcome to feel my tits as long as he kissed me like that.

Yep. That's my point. Kiss a girl right and see what you get. I don't know how long that went on, but my nipples was good and hard when we finally stopped to breathe.

"You like boobs?" I whispered between pants.

"Yeah."

"You like mine?"

"Yeah."

"You like to suck them?"

"Yeah."

"You wanna suck 'em?"

"Yeah."

Well, Charlie done scored a quick hundert on that little pop quiz, so I figured he'd earned a gold star. (NEW PARA? WOULD EMPHASIS THAT GREAT BIT OF DIALOGUE.) Havin' little boobs can be handy, in this case all I had to do was pull my top up around my shoulders. Yep, no bra. Think about that next time you have to unwrap a couple of them coconut-sized hangers!

So anyway, Charlie's mouth was all over my nipples before I even let go of the cloth. Pretty soon the little boy had me squirming. He was as good a sucker as he was a kisser. Lots o' tongue and no teeth. Lots of time too;(PERIOD) no single swirl around each nipple- (PERIOD)no, he sucked me long and good.

--

"It's just Eddie," I said. (COULD OMIT TAG) "She came in the back way, by our bedrooms."

--

Charlie's head shook so fast it done looked like it was the tail of a rattlesnake. "No," he said.(SHOULD OMIT TAG) "I don't want that."

--

He did, of course. Kissed and sucked my thighs good. Both of 'em. I remember looking up and there was a different movie on. Don't remember what though. Didn't care then neither.(THOSE SENTENCES AREN’T A GOOD “MATCH” THE FIRST ONE IS PRESENT “REMEMBER” THE SECOND ONE ON PAST “THEN.”)

I slid my hand under the blanket and pulled my panties to one side. "You can kiss me here, if you want." He did. And he knew what he was doing. Or maybe you don't hafta know. Maybe you just hafta do it.

The way he did it was to spread his tongue out and put it right down near my little cunt hole, then just push and run it all the way to the top. My pussy bounced right off the little mattress, beggin' him to lick it again. And he did, just like that. Nice wide long licks. No hurry. Are you guys taking notes? That's right; Nice, wide, long licks and no fucking hurry! Write it down. It's important!

Pretty soon he had me good and squirming. Moaning a bit(COMMA) too. I heard my sister come into the kitchen once. I figured she'd done enough moaning of her own that she could figure out what we was doin' and to stay the hell away. I reckon she's at least that smart. At least she was that night.

So then I threw the blanket off and started watchin' Charlie lick my pussy. I kept running my hands through his hair, grabbin' his hair(JAS: OMIT “HIS HAIR” ADD “IT”) sometimes as I pushed my little pussy into his face.

Then I felt him push at my entry- only it weren't his tongue. He started stroking me inside with his finger while he was stroking me outside with his tongue.

Guys, don’t ever underestimate a good finger! If y'all ever need proof that size ain't that important(COMMA) just spread out your hand and look at it. Then think how those fingers can make a girl squirm, if you just use 'em right! How many of you guys just looked at your hand? See, you knowed I was right! (YOU USED THREE EXCLAMATION POINTS IN ONE PARAGRAPH!!!)

So where was I? Oh yeah, Charlie was fingering me good and lickin( ‘ ) me even better. My mouth fell open and I started to pant. I'd frigged myself a few times so I knew what was coming- me! "Oh, God," I gasped. "Don't stop."

--

Charlie, bless his heart, he didn't say a word before he went right back to work. Soon I could feel my insides all flexing again. I don't even know what parts is in there, but they was all movin' at the same time, just right like they's meant to move like that. (JAS: OMIT THE LAST THREE WORDS)

I didn't scream nothin' as the second one hit me. My eyes rolled back in my head. I remember my legs shaked. Then I clamped my thighs around his head and rolled as the passion boiled right out of my pussy.

Ok, I read that last bit in one of them romance books, but that's how it was, honest! I'm not sure exactly what happened next, except I grunted a lot and it felt way fucking better than it ever had before.

Somehow we ended up on the floor with me sitting on his face. Pretty cool since I don't even remember how it happened. Wish I had a video so I could see. Charlie was a real quick learner. He was licking me again before I even knew where I was. I remember my eyes bulging when I realized number three was on its way!

He made this gargling sound just as a shudder went all the way from my head to my toes. I moaned, well, more like whimpered; clenching (JAS: OMIT “CLINCHING” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE WITH “THEN”) all of my muscles (ADD “CLINCHED”) for one incredible moment in the aftermath of what I thought must have been the orgasm to end all orgasms.

--

Instead I found a squishy lump. I jumped off(OMIT “OFF”) right off him. I knelt beside him(JAS: OMIT “I KNELT BESIDE HIM” AND COMBINE SENTENCES) and check(ED) out his cock before giving it another feel. "You don't want to!" I gasped. "What'd I do wrong? You wanted me earlier, didn't you?" (IMHO, THIS PARA IS A BIT CONFUSING. HOW CAN SHE “CHECK OUT HIS COCK” WITHOUT GIVING IT A “FEEL”? THEN INSTEAD OF GOING ABOUT HER SELF-ASSIGNED CHORE, SHE STARTS COMPLAINING.)

--

Well, guess I done broke that promise, now didn't I? But how can a girl not tell something like that? I mean, how the fuck hot is it that a guy lost his load just from eating me! And my first time! That sort of good shit just has to be shared! (THREE EXCLAMATION MARKS IN A ROW !!! OBVIOUSLY THIS ISN’T FORMAL ENGLISH, BUT USE TOO MANY OF THEM AND READERS MIGHT START NOTICING THAT INSTEAD OF THE STORY. IT’S A SUBJECTIVE CALL.)

My eyes found his cock while he sucked my little titties. Or more like the jeans that covered his cock. I kept combing his hair with my one hand while I sent the other on one of them recognizance missions. When I got to his jeans(COMMA) I thrust my palm between them and his waist before he even had a chance to breathe.

He stiffened at once and I did too. The little bugger was growing again! A shiver went through my body as I started stroking him, rubbing the slimy cum for his first load all over his hardening cock.

"You do want me!" I whispered. (A WHISPERED EXCLAMATION?)

"Yeah."

It's nice to be wanted! I jumped back on the futon and spread myself. "Ok! Let's do it!" (18 WORDS, 4 SENTENCES, 3 EXCLAMATION MARKS? – LAST COMMENT ON THE SUBJECT, HONEST.)

Charlie's head more vibrated than shook. "No. I still don't have a condom."

"I don't care!"

--

Boy did he lose those pants in a hurry! Like two seconds later I was looking right at his(OMIT “HIS”) the shining head of his cock. My nose twitched as I sniffed his first load. It was an odd smell, but not a bad one. Kinda like bleach and potato soup.

--

I didn't figure there was no reason I shouldn't get off too. I moved my free hand to my pussy, where I began to rub in slow circles. I've heard some women need a gentle pressure on their little clitty, but not me! I think mine must be shy or something because I gotta bump and grind a bit (USED THAT LINE EARLIER. MIGHT OMIT OR ADD SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF “LIKE I SAID”) to make it happen. After a few minutes, I spose I got a little caught up in my own pleasure.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Rumple's comments reminded me of something that bothered me about Polly's dialect the first time I read this story: how can it be that she can barely use the English language, and yet is facile with the use of semicolons in her monologue?

Did this bother anyone else?

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Rumple's comments reminded me of something that bothered me about Polly's dialect the first time I read this story: how can it be that she can barely use the English language, and yet is facile with the use of semicolons in her monologue?

*chuckle*

Yeah, sorta... although I can differentiate between the writer and the character... I don't *really* believe Polly is writing the story... she's telling it... but I can see how it might throw someone out of the story, which you don't want... and as a personal perference, I might use dashes instead of semi-colons... I hate semi-colons anyway... they feel like such flaccid punctuation to me...

 

[sincerely_helene]

Example please?!


This worried me too, but I forgot to ask about it. Thanks for bringing it up. Would this story work better with less "voice" from Polly?


I should hope not.

As you can tell, I don't know yet how to quote within a quote.

I think I worded it poorly with the term "descriptions." I'm not sure how else to explain it other then to say that the first few introductory paragraphs would have held my attention better if I was physically seeing her in a movie, or on a stage in a theater. To actually view it in story form felt repetitive at times (or perhaps overexplained?)

Just a question:
Are you more interested in drawing attention to the pyschological aspects of Polly, or are you preferring your readers to simply get off on her? See, I find myself more inclined to try and analyze her and maybe that is partly why the sex scenes did nothing for me. Maybe you need to decide which direction to go, because trying to appeal to both audiences with someone like Polly doesn't seem to be working.

I have read what you have in mind for future installments, and I think if a few small changes are considered they might actually work really well. By changes I mean if you want us to focus on her mental/emotional issues, family history, character growth etc, you may need to sex it down a little. Or, if you want to arouse, you may have to consider less spotlight on the mindset of Polly and make her persona easier to digest. Does that make any sense? It's really hard to explain what I mean here. It almost seemed like something profound was going to happen the way it was set up, but it just never did. You have a very unique character that obviously has some issues, but then all the sudden she is getting eaten out and that is the end... if the intent is just some decent, superficial stroke material then why not have just left out all the intro/background/Poly Polly/sister stuff and unappealing hillbilly accent? The encounter would have worked without all that.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your monolgue style. I have mentioned both the pros and cons, and quite honestly feel odd critiquing such a superior Author as it is. The only suggestion I can offer is to consider chopping paragraphs that overexplain or repeat. I still like the effect and the idea behind your approach, but seeing it in writing as opposed to hearing her actually speak can lead to confusion or boredom if it is done too precise.

 

[Penelope Street]

Doctor, I am a blue. For those into blue demographics, I live in a traditionally blue state and vote very blue.

Blue is absolutely my favorite color. See the wall behind my pony?

Perhaps if there had been a much larger turnout the m/f ratio might have said something about the male response to the story.

I don't think we need a large turnout to shed all doubt regarding the male response!

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi! I'm Rumple

Cute. Real Cute.

Polly’s dialect was well done and the sex stays nice and hot.

Are you just being nice about the sex being hot? I ask because all of the men that read the piece have had an adverse reaction to Polly, but half of them still indicated they'd want to, uh, 'meet' her anyway, which left me shaking my head a bit.

My major problem is that for a piece that is designed to introduce a charater, it leaves out a lot of W's, such as: Where does she live? When did this happen? What's the deal with her sister? Why is she telling this?

Interesting. The when and where I left unsaid because I didn't think they mattered. Your suggestion about naming the movie is a good one, that could establish the when of it. I like letting the reader learn about the relationship between the sisters as the series progresses. Does the reader need to know more at this point than there is a rivalry, at least from Polly's side?

Why Polly starts telling her story is an excellent question. Is there not enough for the reader to deduce the reason?

IMHO, she is not a strong enough character to build a series around. Maybe it's those missing W's or it could be a guy thing, but to quote old Rhett, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," about Polly.

This seems to be the prevailing masculine reaction. I'm still wondering if the underlying reason isn't something Helene touched on earlier.

I’ve made some comments in the text. Not having read the other crits, mine may be repetitious and, even if not, are probably useless. But at least the price was right.

I feel guilty; you certainly didn't need to go to that length for this piece. Good point about the semi-colons; if I ever post the story, I'll change them all to periods. I still like Polly's overused exclamation points; do they not say something about her?

Could you please clarify what you mean by "DASH NOT HYPHEN"?

 

[Penelope Street]

Are you more interested in drawing attention to the pyschological aspects of Polly, or are you preferring your readers to simply get off on her? See, I find myself more inclined to try and analyze her and maybe that is partly why the sex scenes did nothing for me. Maybe you need to decide which direction to go, because trying to appeal to both audiences with someone like Polly doesn't seem to be working.

I'm more interested in exposing Polly's psychology, though I tried to do both. I knew it would be a challenge, but that's what made it fun to try, even if it didn't quite work.

I have read what you have in mind for future installments, and I think if a few small changes are considered they might actually work really well. By changes I mean if you want us to focus on her mental/emotional issues, family history, character growth etc, you may need to sex it down a little. Or, if you want to arouse, you may have to consider less spotlight on the mindset of Polly and make her persona easier to digest. Does that make any sense? It's really hard to explain what I mean here.

I think you did a great job of explaining, which leads to a side question- if I decide to abandon idea of a series, is there an easy way to turn this scene into a fun little romp and leave it at that?

The only suggestion I can offer is to consider chopping paragraphs that overexplain or repeat.

Thanks. If I ever decide to continue Polly's story, I'll re-read this thread and remember to keep an eye out for repitition.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your monolgue style. I have mentioned both the pros and cons, and quite honestly feel odd critiquing such a superior Author as it is.

*gag* Don't sell yourself short as an author or reviewer.