Story Discussion: June 24, 2010: "Anticipate" by Kaithel

[kaithel]

Hi folks, and many thanks in advance for offering to critique my story! I've written a few stories, but the one I'm submitting right now is called "Anticipate." It's a 3,000-word "mood piece" that describes just a single erotic encounter, and as such, the main goal of the piece is simply to be a satisfying piece of erotic titillation. Here is the story. I'm not a writer by trade, but I enjoy writing and just started writing these a few years ago. Some questions for the circle:

1. The piece is largely about anticipation, and I tried to create a scene that immerses the reader in a kind of heavy, languid feeling. Did this work? How did you find the mood of the piece?

2. How did the scene work for you on a straight erotic level? Did it turn you on? (I seem to have a reputation of writing stories that women particularly enjoy, so I'm curious about both genders' reactions.)

3. When writing stories like these, I often struggle with using words that suit the mood, but without repeating the same phrases over and over. I also think it tends to be obvious and awkward when people "try too hard" to use different phrases. What comments, if any, do you have about my descriptions?

4. Near the end of the piece, I use words like "cum" and "pussy" and so forth. Do you feel that this detracts from the feel of the story? That is, would it be better served by using less "pornographic" phrasing? Or does these terms flow naturally for you in the story?

Of course, any other general feedback will be welcomed!

Thanks again, and I look forward to hearing from you!

~Kaithel

 

[Cold_Eyes]

I'll admit that I have a bias against second-person perspective, so it's difficult for me to be objective. There seem to be a lot of these second-person, single scene stories on Lit and I usually skip over them. However, this one held my attention and it's the first one I've read in a long time. I thought the imagery was very well done. One thing that could be fixed easily, I think, is varying sentence structure. There are some parts where the sentences feel a bit overloaded and describe too many things. And then the next sentence is just as long. Just break it up a little and it'll flow fine. Don't worry about the pornographic vocabulary. It's more natural than using strange euphemisms. And lovers would have no reserve about using those terms. As long as you don't go into poop-chute territory, I think it's fine.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Here's my initial reaction to your story

1. No, not really. I'm an advocate of the 'show us, and don't tell' school of thought here at Lit. Your piece was basically a narrative with no real attempt at character development. You didn't make me care about your characters, they were flat, two dimensional cardboard cut outs.

Have your characters tell the story through their words and actions.

2. Sorry, it didn't work at all from an erotic level for me.

3. I thought your descriptions were adequate and appropriate.

4. No, I didn't think the use of a few naughty words changed the feel of the story.

Other than the lack of character development, some of your paragraphs needed some work. Always start a new paragraph when the subject or speaker changes.

 

[driphoney]

Hi Kaithel,

I'm not a writer either, and if you started doing this years ago, then you're way ahead of me in this game! I don't have any literary understanding of this thing we all join here to explore, but as that's not a requirement to join the circle, it's all good.

I'll answer your questions as you asked them.

1. The piece is largely about anticipation, and I tried to create a scene that immerses the reader in a kind of heavy, languid feeling. Did this work? How did you find the mood of the piece?

Sometimes what we hope to achieve with words and what we end up with are two different things. I have the cutest, cutest start about a girl, a guy, a candy cane dildo and a car hanging on a cliff that I swear is amazing. I re-read it recently and still think it's cooler than cool. But I've been told by someone it's a little (lot) not working. So, my holiday contest story start sits collecting dust (along with my now new Nude Day contest start.)

But, as is too common, I digress. What you hoped would be languid sensuality possibly didn't work because it ended up being a sort of long one-sided play-by-play done in a telling manner.


2. How did the scene work for you on a straight erotic level? Did it turn you on? (I seem to have a reputation of writing stories that women particularly enjoy, so I'm curious about both genders' reactions.)

I'm female, for what's it's worth. Maybe because yours is the third sex scene I've scrutinized today, it didn't reach me. Perhaps your style really turns women on because you're directly writing to them. You, a person they have a connection to, is writing to that one specific female. Or they feel that's the case anyway, so it works. When a man says some of those things you said in your piece to me, I get quite focused! However, I'm reading this as a story. Strange as it seems, my brain wants to think it's fiction, and I want to think it's two characters and I get to vicariously pretend to be the female. (In a sex story.)


3. When writing stories like these, I often struggle with using words that suit the mood, but without repeating the same phrases over and over. I also think it tends to be obvious and awkward when people "try too hard" to use different phrases. What comments, if any, do you have about my descriptions?

Less is more?

I was impressed that you didn't repeat even with all the description you gave. You might just consider trimming some of your descriptions. It will put less strain on those over-used words and phrases.


4. Near the end of the piece, I use words like "cum" and "pussy" and so forth. Do you feel that this detracts from the feel of the story? That is, would it be better served by using less "pornographic" phrasing? Or does these terms flow naturally for you in the story?

Nah. I'm not particularly drawn to soft, elegant erotica anyway, so the "trashy" language spices it up some for me.

Of course, any other general feedback will be welcomed!

You're piece is second person. A LOT of people have a dislike, make that strong dislike, for second person. I'm not one of them, but I've seen enough now to understand why so many have an aversion. I don't know the key to second person, but I think it might be in keeping the scene very active and playing up the emotions of the first person ("I").

Thanks again, and I look forward to hearing from you!

~Kaithel

Thanks for sharing. I'm not sure I added any insight, but I hope you got something out of it. I hope you return and give others your opinion in the future.

 

[trieste]

You know, I'm pretty brand, spanking new to the Story Discussion forum, so I'll just offer some general thoughts, for whatever they're worth.

First, some positives:

Your overall mechanics are fine, and you have some good bits of imagery that really work. Also some nice, evocative verbs (you use "snake" as a verb somewhere in there, which I like, and there was another that slips my mind.) You definitely have some skill--you seem to be hovering right on the cusp of something really good, but you aren't quite there yet.

The biggest issues for me? Pretty much what was already mentioned: the second person POV, the lack of variation in sentence length and structure, the looooong paragraphs, and a few clunky descriptions.

On the POV:

I know some people are big advocates of second person, and in theory I'm willing to grant it has the potential to work in some contexts. My problem with it in erotica is, I think, due to the fact that erotica is about escapism, and second person tends to always want to push the reader back into him/herself. There is a disconnect--a forceful removal of the reader from the moment as he/she must work to reconcile the difference between the author's "you" and their own "you" (i. e. themselves), since invariably some of what the narrator says about "you" is not true of the reader.

Of course, you--the author--are not writing about the reader. You are writing about some other specific and distinct character. This is fine and as it should be, but . . . why not just write in the third person, say, and avoid the disconnect by allowing the reader to be a simple voyeur? Or the first person and they can be anyone listening to a friend recount this encounter? Why make the reader--who clearly knows that "you" is a certain character, but must still work to overcome the conditioned response to the word--work any harder than he/she has to?

On sentence length:

I think everybody falls into a habitual sentence style. I know I do. I once had a creative writing teacher who was perpetually turning my long, eloquent, melodic, ornate, lovely sentences into chopped-down, three-word blocks of crap. Except they weren't crap. She had a point. Your long, lovely, poetic sentences will have more impact if you break them up with short declaratives. You do this in a few places, but you need to do it some more.

One last thing--and I know I am soooo guilty of this to, which is probably the only reason I notice it in others--but watch the connotation of your descriptors/metaphors/etc. Just because you could compare one thing to another in the sense that they share some common feature or behavior doesn't mean you should.

For example, the "my hands drifted like migrant workers" business was, I thought, a bit of an awkward stretch. I get that you mean they traveled around her body and all, but . . . "migrant worker" isn't such an erotic image, you know? At least not for me (sorry, all you lurking migrant workers)--it evokes ideas and emotions, but arrousal is not one of them. Plus, I would maybe just hope his hands were a little more enthusastic about their "work" (and would it even be work, really?) than some weary apple picker or what-have-you.

My point is--be careful. Today I almost wrote something to the effect of "his touch made me feel an electric tickle in my belly, like I'd swallowed a live eel . . ." And then (thank god) I came to my senses and was like, "Do you seriously want to bring the image of some nasty, ugly, slippery, slimey sea creature into a sex scene? Really?" That's way worse than yours, but same idea .

On the whole, though, I think the majority of your snags are easy fixes and you've got plenty of feel for detail, which is what's really going to make a piece of proposed erotica erotic. In fact, I think if you rewrote this in first person and did some quick sentence variations, you'd be well on your way.

Not that I'm anyone of consequence, but there's my two cents' worth.

 

[driphoney]

Not that I'm anyone of consequence, but there's my two cents' worth.

Hey! You can't take my schtick. Especially when it's not true.

I really learned from your post because I saw a lot that you saw, but didn't know what I was seeing.

I think a lot of new erotica writers like to write second person. I don't think the readers like to read it. I liked your description of "push the reader back into himself." Since second person stories often come up for review (if not here, then the Story Feedback forum,) I keep pondering what it takes technically to make one work. Does there have to be an entertainment factor that lets the reader step into the story and away from himself even while reading "you"?

Anyway, thanks for joining in. I hope you continue to do so.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Kaithel,

Since I prefer stories with at least token tension, I'm not part of your target audience; so it's not a surprise your piece didn't move me in any way. I hope we hear from a few readers who enjoy this type of story, but I wouldn't hold my breath on it since I think most who visit this forum prefer stories with conflict.

Second-person perspective seems like a natural choice for erotica, but it rarely seems to work like we'd hope. The issue I think lies with the notion that a reader will more naturally relate to the "you" character than any other character. From the discussions we've had here, I believe the opposite is true. Telling the reader what the "you" character thinks and wants seems to be especially grating.

So would this story have worked better if told from another perspective? I suspect for most readers, it would have.

Many sentences begin with "I", including six in a row at one point. Other than that, I thought the prose was decent, with the possible exception of a few stray adverbs.

Probably just a prejudice on my part, but one word jarred me a bit: biceps. Sure, I have them- but when I think of my upper arm, it's just my upper arm. When I picture biceps, I picture men. So when the narrator ran fingers over biceps, I was out of the story for a moment while I scrolled back up to see if I'd made an inappropriate assumption about the gender of the characters.

Especially since the story is written in the present tense, I think it's a fine idea if the narrator's voice gets a little raunchier when the action picks up, perhaps mirroring the narrator's mental state.

I like what you're trying to do, emphasizing the build up, the teasing, the seduction. What I wonder about is whether your target audience really wants to be teased? Especially since I like verbal teasing, I was more than a little disappointed with the lack of dialogue.

Thanks for sharing your work with us.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[kaithel]

Thanks for all of the feedback guys, I'll post more in a bit - been away for the weekend!

 

[DormDad]

Just my opinion

Others, forever ago and a million miles away, were like caged birds, uncertain and fluttering, hearts pounding.
Comment I suggest that this whole sentence needs to be edited or removed
As if it were a den of thieves, other fingers materialize clandestinely in the darkness, and set out to trail soft lines up to the line of you <your> jaw, and then behind your ears, to snake upwards into the tangle in your hair.

I cover every inch of your exposed flesh, making sure I touch each spot, the opposite of a kid avoiding cracks on a sidewalk. Adding the last part (the opposite of a...) seems over much.

I whisk my own shirt off as well, but as you reach for me, I place a finger to my lips in silence, and lie you back down on the couch alone. I kneel beside the bed, and lean towards you.
Comment:< You went from couch to bed, I am assuming you are trying to suggest that the couch is to become the bed. The rest of the paragraph does not seem to support this though>

With your juices mixed with my saliva, you are soaking wet, and my cock slides deep inside you with the first thrust, causing us both to gasp and moan in pleasure.
Comment: You have brought this story along well and then the penetration is extremely fast? This seems a contradiction. Can you slow this down and thereby match the rest of the story pacing?

I crush my lips against yours, and you can feel my balls slapping against you as I pound into your pussy.
Comment: Same as above- this seems too fast for this story. A man can take the pace very slow even using his penis. There is nothing wrong with this happening; it just seems that you have shifted from anticipation to overdrive. This tends to lose the reads who have been brought along on the ride you have been giving them.

You have an excellent story here. Excitement as a male is that you give us an image, such as you have portrayed here and we are excited. The level of that excitement though is the question; I liked this story. It has many elements in it that are very good. Some areas that I noted above could be improved upon. There were others, but I considered them of lesser concern. So you receive a thumbs up from me.

 

[kaithel]

First off, thanks for all of the commentary, I very much appreciate it. This is the only story I've written in second-person, and certainly it was good to learn that second-person is so nearly-universally reviled.

In retrospect, I kinda wish I had submitted a different story, but there you have it. I'll just have to stick around and give my own feedback and hop into the queue again later on.

I appreciate both the specific commentary about certain phrases as well as the overall concerns about the piece.

Thanks, everyone!

~k