Story Discussion: July 29, 2007 'Jinglin' Spurs' by drksideofthemoon

[drksideofthemoon]

The thread about genre in this forum prompted me to offer this story up. Jinglin' Spurs was my entry in the 2006 Valentines Day Contest.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Here is the link to Jinglin' Spurs .

I'm not sure if it's a romance with a western flavor, or a western with a romantic flavor.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

The discussion about genre prompted me to offer up this story for discussion.

Does the story work as a Romance? Does if work as a Western? And does the story generally work, or is it too formulaic?

 

[Darkniciad]

I'm going to have to say Romance with a Western flavor. We see the soft spot in the leading man pretty early on. To me, Western with a Romance flavor involves the leading woman scraping away the leathery, weathered layers of rough n' tough to find that soft spot below.

I think it works on all fronts. You have the dialects down, the scene is set well, the characters are vivid, with their own personalities. The romance comes out in build up and the bits of awkward caution.

 

[_Lynn_]

I'm going to have to say Romance with a Western flavor. We see the soft spot in the leading man pretty early on. To me, Western with a Romance flavor involves the leading woman scraping away the leathery, weathered layers of rough n' tough to find that soft spot below.

I think it works on all fronts. You have the dialects down, the scene is set well, the characters are vivid, with their own personalities. The romance comes out in build up and the bits of awkward caution.

This is one I read before and I have to agree it's Romance with a Western flavor.
Your characters are strong and very well defined, the settings have me right there in them and the dialogue flows.
In my opinion it works in all ways.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I'll make it three straight. Romance with a western flavor but it wouldn't take much tinkering to reverse that order. My main quibble, other than all the dialogue tags, was the touch of humor that seemed to run just below the surface throughout most of the story. But that may just be my weirdness.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[angelicminx]

I haven't read the whole story yet, but I have a question about something that tripped me up a little bit.

What year is the story set in? I ask because of the use of binoculars. I'm not up on the history of binoculars and I'm curious about when they became readily available, lightweight enough to carry, and inexpensive enough for a ranch hand to have a pair.

I'm not being 'nit picky' or anything like that, I'm genuinely curious.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I haven't read the whole story yet, but I have a question about something that tripped me up a little bit.

What year is the story set in? I ask because of the use of binoculars. I'm not up on the history of binoculars and I'm curious about when they became readily available, lightweight enough to carry, and inexpensive enough for a ranch hand to have a pair.

I'm not being 'nit picky' or anything like that, I'm genuinely curious.

Oh, the story is set in the 1880's. Binoculars began to appear around the 1860's. I have a pair that belonged to my great-great-grandfather that has the date of 1895 on them. While they aren't as compact as modern ones, they are by no means cumbersome. As to the price of them back then, I have no idea, but as mentioned in the story, Lucky was a thrifty sort of fellow, and they would have definitely been useful in his line of work. And my great-great grandfather was railroad worker, and by no means a wealthy man.

 

[Varian P]

First, thanks for offering up another sweet, tender story.

I'm afraid I come to this thread with multiple strikes against me: I don't really know anything about genre, in either literary or marketing terms, and I have minimal experience with Romance or Westerns.

That said, it seems to me that "Jinglin' Spurs" centers on the love relationship; the Western aspect seems to be more about the setting than the plot.

Having read some of what others have said in the genre thread, it strikes me that one key element of the Romance genre might be missing from this story: the obstacle that the lovers must overcome to be together.

Yes, they're both a bit shy and uncertain of their worth, and yes, Rose is a 'painted lady', which might be an obstacle to love and marriage in many circumstances, but it never felt like these were real obstacles between the pair in this story. From the get-go, it's clear Lucky wants Rose, and soon after, I'm as sure that Rose is full of hope that things will work out with Lucky. There's never a phase in the story when I'm worried things will go wrong for them, so I never feel the tension and relief that sort of plot arc provides.

In a similar way, there's little tension or excitement in the interactions between the characters, because the range of personalities seems to go from pretty nice to really, really nice. One fellow calls Rose a whore in front of Lucky, and that's the cruelest thing that happens (and he's not even particularly nasty about it). I feel like the sweet moments would be sweeter if they were juxtaposed with a customer of Lou's saying he wouldn't waste good money on an ugly whore, or a client of Rose's treating her mean (not even rough, necessarily, but even just going about his business in a perfunctory way that leaves her feeling like a thing being used, or something along those lines. And/or maybe one of the other girls teases Rose about her boyfriend being dumb as a mule, or what have you.

On the other hand, I thought you handled the dialog well; it worked both to take me into that alien (to me) setting, and also to give unique voices to the different characters.

And I enjoyed little details you brought in to flesh-out the realm of the story, like the cook serving as doctor and surgeon to the men.

One of my favorite things about the story was how tender and new the sex was between these two people who'd been together so many times before--how nervous and excited Rose is as she undresses him for the first time. Very sweet.

-Varian

 

[angelicminx]

Oh, the story is set in the 1880's. Binoculars began to appear around the 1860's. I have a pair that belonged to my great-great-grandfather that has the date of 1895 on them. While they aren't as compact as modern ones, they are by no means cumbersome. As to the price of them back then, I have no idea, but as mentioned in the story, Lucky was a thrifty sort of fellow, and they would have definitely been useful in his line of work. And my great-great grandfather was railroad worker, and by no means a wealthy man.

Sweet! Thank you for the information.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

First, thanks for offering up another sweet, tender story.

I'm afraid I come to this thread with multiple strikes against me: I don't really know anything about genre, in either literary or marketing terms, and I have minimal experience with Romance or Westerns.

Well, I didn't even think of genre until the thread got started in this forum.

That said, it seems to me that "Jinglin' Spurs" centers on the love relationship; the Western aspect seems to be more about the setting than the plot.

Having read some of what others have said in the genre thread, it strikes me that one key element of the Romance genre might be missing from this story: the obstacle that the lovers must overcome to be together.

Yes, they're both a bit shy and uncertain of their worth, and yes, Rose is a 'painted lady', which might be an obstacle to love and marriage in many circumstances, but it never felt like these were real obstacles between the pair in this story. From the get-go, it's clear Lucky wants Rose, and soon after, I'm as sure that Rose is full of hope that things will work out with Lucky. There's never a phase in the story when I'm worried things will go wrong for them, so I never feel the tension and relief that sort of plot arc provides.

I agree with your comments. I wrote this fairly early on in my writing career that only spans about 2 1/2 years. When I wrote the story, it was supposed to a story that celebrated love, it was for the Valentines Day contest.

In a similar way, there's little tension or excitement in the interactions between the characters, because the range of personalities seems to go from pretty nice to really, really nice. One fellow calls Rose a whore in front of Lucky, and that's the cruelest thing that happens (and he's not even particularly nasty about it). I feel like the sweet moments would be sweeter if they were juxtaposed with a customer of Lou's saying he wouldn't waste good money on an ugly whore, or a client of Rose's treating her mean (not even rough, necessarily, but even just going about his business in a perfunctory way that leaves her feeling like a thing being used, or something along those lines. And/or maybe one of the other girls teases Rose about her boyfriend being dumb as a mule, or what have you.

On the other hand, I thought you handled the dialog well; it worked both to take me into that alien (to me) setting, and also to give unique voices to the different characters.

That was probably the easiest part of the story for me, I know people who actually sound like that.

And I enjoyed little details you brought in to flesh-out the realm of the story, like the cook serving as doctor and surgeon to the men.

I'm glad that worked. I tend to lean towards realism, and I try to add little facts to my work.

One of my favorite things about the story was how tender and new the sex was between these two people who'd been together so many times before--how nervous and excited Rose is as she undresses him for the first time. Very sweet.

-Varian

Thanks as always for taking the time to read the story, and for giving me your comments. They are always appreciated.

 

[Penelope Street]

"Yes Rose I do know what you are, you're a woman. You're the woman I love..."
That's my favorite line. It's a sweet little story, realistic and believable too.

If there's a shortcoming to the story, it might be that it's too realistic. What is there to keep this couple apart? Nothing except themselves. True, that's often the way it is in real life- but if real life was so interesting, I don't think we'd be so interested in fiction.

Since the tension is primarily internal, I think it a poor choice to get inside both character's heads. Keeping the perspective with one character would have increased the suspense since the reader would wonder how the other person felt. Isn't that the biggest question in a real world realationship- is the other person interested too? Removing this question really drained the tension from the tale.

I loved that Rose wasn't the prettiest girl at Lou's. Thank you. Girls with round glasses need some lovin' too.

Minor: Lucky was in town for a Saturday night, him and the other hands at the Double 8 had just been paid. I suspect this error was intentional, and meant to lend the tale a folksy style- but I believe this style works best with a first-person narrator. The way it is jarred me a bit- not what one wants from an opening line.

Is it a western or a romance? I don't know, but if there was a 'Western' category at Literotica, I would certainly have submitted it there instead of romance.

 

[Penelope Street]

I feel like the sweet moments would be sweeter if they were juxtaposed with a customer of Lou's saying he wouldn't waste good money on an ugly whore, or a client of Rose's treating her mean (not even rough, necessarily, but even just going about his business in a perfunctory way that leaves her feeling like a thing being used, or something along those lines. And/or maybe one of the other girls teases Rose about her boyfriend being dumb as a mule, or what have you.

Those are some great ideas!

And I enjoyed little details you brought in to flesh-out the realm of the story, like the cook serving as doctor and surgeon to the men.

True, it's interesting, but does the story change if the cook isn't the surgeon?

One of my favorite things about the story was how tender and new the sex was between these two people who'd been together so many times before--how nervous and excited Rose is as she undresses him for the first time.

I agree. It's a lovely contrast.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Those are some great ideas!

True, it's interesting, but does the story change if the cook isn't the surgeon?

Doesn't change the story one bit...it's just a little fact I thought I'd toss in there...

 

[drksideofthemoon]

"Yes Rose I do know what you are, you're a woman. You're the woman I love..."
That's my favorite line. It's a sweet little story, realistic and believable too.

If there's a shortcoming to the story, it might be that it's too realistic. What is there to keep this couple apart? Nothing except themselves. True, that's often the way it is in real life- but if real life was so interesting, I don't think we'd be so interested in fiction.

Since the tension is primarily internal, I think it a poor choice to get inside both character's heads. Keeping the perspective with one character would have increased the suspense since the reader would wonder how the other person felt. Isn't that the biggest question in a real world realationship- is the other person interested too? Removing this question really drained the tension from the tale.

I loved that Rose wasn't the prettiest girl at Lou's. Thank you. Girls with round glasses need some lovin' too.

Minor: Lucky was in town for a Saturday night, him and the other hands at the Double 8 had just been paid. I suspect this error was intentional, and meant to lend the tale a folksy style- but I believe this style works best with a first-person narrator. The way it is jarred me a bit- not what one wants from an opening line.

Is it a western or a romance? I don't know, but if there was a 'Western' category at Literotica, I would certainly have submitted it there instead of romance.

As I've noted before, this story was written early in my writing career, and was an early attempt to write a real story. And it was written for the Valentines day contest.

Rose's beauty came from within, and isn't that where true beauty is?

Yeah, I don't know why I used him in the opening paragraph now, I think you're right. I certainly wouldn't do it now. I found it jarring as I read it again.

Thanks for taking the time to look at it, I appreciate your comments and suggestions.

 

[Verdad]

Hi, Darkside,

Late again, and this time I'll be really short, since Varian and Penny already said what I would have said, only better.

I'm very glad I found time to read, because it was another sweet offering. There's no doubt in my mind: you have a real storyteller's talent. Keep writing, keep learning and ironing those glitches, because that special something that's already there deserves it.

As for genre hair-splitting? For the Western part to be primary, I'd expect an additional plot line, dealing dramatically with some aspect of life particular to the West and occupying the central place in the story. So, Romance in a Western setting, and a nice one at that. Thanks again!

Best of luck,

Verdad

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi, Darkside,

Late again, and this time I'll be really short, since Varian and Penny already said what I would have said, only better.

I'm very glad I found time to read, because it was another sweet offering. There's no doubt in my mind: you have a real storyteller's talent. Keep writing, keep learning and ironing those glitches, because that special something that's already there deserves it.

As for genre hair-splitting? For the Western part to be primary, I'd expect an additional plot line, dealing dramatically with some aspect of life particular to the West and occupying the central place in the story. So, Romance in a Western setting, and a nice one at that. Thanks again!

Best of luck,

Verdad

Thanks for taking the time to read Jinglin' Spurs, I do appreciate it, and your comments.

I've learned a lot here from the critique of my work, and participating in critiques of other writers' material.

Thanks again...