story discussion, how does this sound

[aussie_sin]

I am in a dilemma, I have done away with the I's and you"s and now I am stuck with he's, she's, her's and his......how do I get around this.

Here is the newly written first part

Carlos has been locked away in his studio for hours, working on his latest music, Cyn has been upstairs reading, surfing the net, bored, she decides to go down into the forbidden studio. He looks up when he hears the door open, watches her walk in, puzzled, wondering why she is in here. He leans back in his chair. Cyn walks over and stands behind him. Slowly she begins to massage his scalp running her fingers through his thick dark hair and lightly scratching. Hearing him moan she presses her breasts into his back and hears the deep rumble of his voice,”mmmm that feels so good, don’t stop baby”.
Leaning over she begins to nibble and kiss his neck, moving up towards his ear, lightly sucking on the ear lobe and raining soft kisses across his cheek till she reaches his lips, slowly kisses him. Carlos responds instantly, the kiss deepens, becomes hungry, passionate. Their breathing becomes erratic, bringing his hands to her face he begins caressing the soft skin, sliding them into her hair, gripping a handful, slanting his head to the side, he loves kissing his lady, he knows the fire inside her, knows the pleasure they will endure in dousing it, he can feel her hardened nipples pressing into his shoulder and his hardening cock pressing against his jeans..
Reaching behind he slides his hands up her thighs, feeling the warmth of her skin, smooth and silky. Cyn places her hands on his upper arms and slides them down bringing his hands together. He hears that familiar click. The cuffs have been locked, feels a little too tight, but knowing games are about to begin he doesn’t mind.
Moving to stand in front of him Cyn reaches for the buttons on her blouse, flicks them open one by one, when the last is popped her milky white breasts are exposed, nipples already beaded, begging to be sucked, she covers them with her hands bringing them together, bending her head she licks the nipples pinching and rolling them, she takes a step closer. Carlos leans forward catching her scent, breathing it in deeply. His mouth opened he draws the nipple in. Sucking in her breath she arches her back forcing more breast into his mouth , he sucks harder, flicking the nipple with his tongue.

 

[janiexx]

I couldn't see that much wrong with this...

You might want to break up the text a little to make it a bit easier to read, but when I read your story the "he, her, his, she," etc didn't jar with me.

Of course, I am sure others will have their own opinions...

Every now and then you could inject a name into the text rather than she, he, etc but I would continue as you are.

Can I just ask why it is written in the present tense?

janiexx

 

[aussie_sin]

I am new at this and I have am having problems with first person, second person, and present tense, I need some good advice and editing....any offers would be greatly appreciated

 

[janiexx]

OK, I had a go at this...

...but it was nearly 1am here in the UK and I had had a few glasses of wine, so bear with me!

Here it is:

Carlos had been locked away in his studio for hours working on his latest music while Cyn has been upstairs reading and surfing the net. Feeling bored, she decided to go down into the forbidden studio. He looked up when he heard the door open and watched her walk in. He was puzzled, wondering why she was there.

As he leant back in his chair, Cyn walked over and stood behind him. Slowly she began to massage his scalp, running her fingers through his thick, dark hair and lightly scratching his skin. Hearing him moan she pressed her breasts into his back and heard the deep rumble of his voice.

"Mmmmm that feels so good. Don’t stop, baby”.

Cyn leant over and began to nibble and kiss his neck, moving up towards his ear, lightly sucking on the lobe and raining soft kisses across his cheek until she reached his lips, where she kissed him more slowly.

Carlos responded instantly, the kiss deepening and becoming hungry and passionate. As their breathing became erratic, he brought his hands to her face and began caressing her soft skin, running his fingers through her hair, gripping a handful of her soft tresses. Watching her he realised how much he loved kissing this woman, how he knew the fire that existed inside her and how he anticipated the pleasure they would share in dousing it. He could feel her hardened nipples pressing into his shoulder and his erect cock straining against his jeans.

Carlos reached behind her and slid his hands up her thighs, feeling the warmth of her skin, so smooth and silky beneath his touch. Cyn placed her hands on his upper arms and slid them down bringing his hands together. He heard the familiar click of the cuffs and knew they were locked. They felt a little too tight, but he knew the games were about to begin...

Moving to stand in front of him Cyn reached for the buttons on her blouse and flicked them open one by one. Her milky white breasts were exposed as the last button was released and her nipples appeared, beaded and begging to be sucked.

Cyn covered them with her hands and brought them together, bending her head as she licked the nipples, pinching and rolling them between her fingers.

Stepping closer, Carlos leant forward and caught her scent, breathing it in deeply. His mouth opened and he drew a nipple in. Cyn caught her breath and sucked, arching her back and forcing more of her breast into his mouth. Carlos sucked harder, flicking the nipple with his tongue.


I'm sure others on here could do more with this, but maybe what I have done is a start...

Good luck
janiexx