Story Discussion: February 5, 2008. "Horror" by jomar

[jomar]

Hi All.

Penny gave me the go ahead for a new story discussion, but as always, feel free to add to hers if you have something to say.

My story is called Horror and is in the non-erotic category because it's not that, I didn't think.

It's 2500 words long (less than a Lit page) so should be a quick read.

 

[jomar]

Story Link

Find it here: Horror

 

[jomar]

I'm wondering about a few things. I have been experimenting with different writing styles and in this one was also playing with the different elements of horror stories. So...

The story is told to you by someone. Does the style work? (Is the 'Dear Reader' stuff annoying - as it was to one reader?)

Do the first two paragraphs work as sort of an intro?

Are the elements of horror clear enough and do they intersect well?

What works, what doesn't?

What do you like, what do you not like?

And anything else you might have to say would be most welcome.

Thanks for taking the time to look this one over.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Jomar,

Whether the style works depends on what you were trying to achieve. The narrator is very annoying, so much so I imagined this must have been your intention. I viewed the entity telling the story as a something rather than a someone. After I decided the voice was supposed to be blatantly irritating, I appreciated, and even enjoyed, it. Considering who the narrator turns out to be, I think the smug tone is appropriate.

I didn't find the tale remotely frightening. If anything, it's a pinch sad, but for the most part the narration style is detached, and so was I. Even had the telling been more intimate, I'm not sure if the characters would have been engaging. Persons and relationships like these are horrors all by themselves. Who really wants to get close to them?

The opening few paragraphs seem to limit the drama that can follow. I'm uncertain why that would be desirable? And is there really a need for a paranormal house? I think it might have been a bit more haunting without any hint of the supernatural. Or if the house is going to be supernatural, then why introduce a couple that already has issues? Wouldn't it be scarier if the Cleavers moved in rather than the Maxwells? Now that I think about it, aren't those names an ironic twist?! Speaking of the name, was "Maxwell House" meant to make me think of the coffee brand- or is that a coincidence?

I was hoping for more of twist at the end, like the narrator telling me their name wasn't really Maxwell after all and that next time instead of reaching for the Tylenol, I should look into the history of my home.

If your goal was to write a tale with a different voice, unusual perspective, and some creepy facets, then I think you succeeded on two of the three. If the goal was to play with perspective, narration style, and a creepy situation, did you consider making the narrator a real estate agent trying to sell a haunted house to the reader?

Thanks for sharing your story with us! Did I answer most of the questions in there somewhere?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[jomar]

SPOILER ALERT!!!
Sort of. If there can be such a thing here.

Hi Jomar,

Whether the style works depends on what you were trying to achieve. The narrator is very annoying, so much so I imagined this must have been your intention.

Hi Penny,

Well. I think it would have certainly helped if I had been even remotely clear on what I was trying to achieve.

I viewed the entity telling the story as a something rather than a someone. After I decided the voice was supposed to be blatantly irritating, I appreciated, and even enjoyed, it. Considering who the narrator turns out to be, I think the smug tone is appropriate.

Yes, while I probably should have kept him from being that annoying, I sort of saw the narrator as a Vincent Price type.

I didn't find the tale remotely frightening. If anything, it's a pinch sad, but for the most part the narration style is detached, and so was I.

No, that's correct. I didn't mean for it to be edge of the seat, keep the lights on scary.

Even had the telling been more intimate, I'm not sure if the characters would have been engaging. Persons and relationships like these are horrors all by themselves. Who really wants to get close to them?

True.

The opening few paragraphs seem to limit the drama that can follow. I'm uncertain why that would be desirable? And is there really a need for a paranormal house? I think it might have been a bit more haunting without any hint of the supernatural. Or if the house is going to be supernatural, then why introduce a couple that already has issues? Wouldn't it be scarier if the Cleavers moved in rather than the Maxwells?

So the opening is more telly than showy and doesn't give the reader much in the way of a framework.

What I was playing with was elements of horror - supernatural (haunted house), evil (the serial killer narrator who put the bones in the walls and essentially released the spirits into the house, and the 'demons' and vulnerabilities that individuals cope with, and yes, such relationships and the intersection of all those elements.

Now that I think about it, aren't those names an ironic twist?! Speaking of the name, was "Maxwell House" meant to make me think of the coffee brand- or is that a coincidence?

Once again I'm guilty of not thinking through every word choice. This story sort of blurped out. Maybe I wrote it in the morning or something.

I was hoping for more of twist at the end, like the narrator telling me their name wasn't really Maxwell after all and that next time instead of reaching for the Tylenol, I should look into the history of my home.

Interesting idea. I was hoping the narrator turning out to be the serial killer who had originally built and owned the home would be a nice touch, but I could have easily missed the mark.

If your goal was to write a tale with a different voice, unusual perspective, and some creepy facets, then I think you succeeded on two of the three.

I will strive to improve once I figure out which ones are which!

If the goal was to play with perspective, narration style, and a creepy situation, did you consider making the narrator a real estate agent trying to sell a haunted house to the reader?

For some reason, my thoughts turned more to a comedy/humor angle on this one.

Thanks for sharing your story with us! Did I answer most of the questions in there somewhere?

Take Care,
Penny

Sure did. And thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.

 

[Penelope Street]

Yes, while I probably should have kept him from being that annoying, I sort of saw the narrator as a Vincent Price type.

Interesting idea. I was hoping the narrator turning out to be the serial killer who had originally built and owned the home would be a nice touch, but I could have easily missed the mark.

Given the breadth of the narrator's knowledge and the taunting at the end, I thought he had to be the supernatural source of the evil, either satan or the house itself. I really liked the latter possibility,

So the opening is more telly than showy and doesn't give the reader much in the way of a framework.

Originally, I thought the opening was far too telly- but then I realized the entire story is telly and assumed this was your plan. I'm not sure what the opening adds that isn't unvieled later anyway. To me, that's the real issue.

I will strive to improve once I figure out which ones are which!

Creepy is what it's not.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Hi

The narrator was a little jarring for the first couple of lines then I saw what you were trying to do. I saw how he was a Vincent Price kind of narrator or that irritating skeleton from Tales from the Crypt and I thought that was fine as a framing device, especially when we find out the narrator is more than just a passive observer at the end.

The biggest problem I had was I never felt like I was drawn into the story. With this type of tale you usually have the narrator lay the backdrop in the first couple of panels and then you get sucked into the story at ground level through the protagonists eyes.

This didn't happen for me. It felt more like I was reading a long introduction rather than a story. It was sort of like the tale somebody would tell to establish mood in another story (like teens around a campfire before the serial killer starts bumping them off)
rather than a story in it's own right.

That might have been what you were aiming for though.

I liked the house and you described it. I didn't really feel any horror though because I felt too detached from the family.

As a minor niggle why did you choose the name Dante for the man? It jarred a little with me because it seems like one of those overblown names that gets tagged onto larger than life vampire or paranormal types (i'm thinking of the main character in the devil may cry computer games).

It might be because it's not a common name from where I come from (England) in which case I'm moaning about something completely irrelevant and just ignore me

Personally i liked the setup with the house, but I think I needed to be drawn into the picture at some point rather than just being shown it.

thanks for sharing anyway
Many-Eyed Hydra

 

[jomar]

Thank you for commenting manyeyedhydra and I want to respond to you and Penny when I get a chance.

But you both mentioned feeling distant from the family. In a narrative (?) style like this is there a way to feel the family's distress more? Meaningful details about small moments/actions to convey the nature of the situation, maybe?

 

[jomar]

Looks like I have to be out of town until Sunday afternoon. I won't have internet access so will check in and respond when I get back. But keep those comments flying in! Thanks all!

 

[NanashiKuro]

First off, I aught to state apologies for any points that I have made that are duplicates, as when Critting, I don't read other people's comments before I read the story, so as not to influence my views. Also I'd like to show appreciation to anyone that takes the time to write and the graciousness to let us all read their work, and to all those who take the time to read and give constructive advice.
Well, here goes, take a bite of my first ever crit on Literotica.

The story is told to you by someone. Does the style work? (Is the 'Dear Reader' stuff annoying - as it was to one reader?)

To me, the 'Dear Reader' works well, but I feel that it would work much better if you cut out a few of them. I like the effect that to me, it gives a good character to the Narrator in perhaps a style of a black and white horror film, I'm tempted to think along the lines of Hammer Horror, but with the best intentions.
I am a fan of the first person telling of a story, but only if it is done well. In your case I'd say that you have grasped how it should be done. You've not used "I did this" "I did that" all of the time, as that would not work for the style of the story. Recounting events in the style of a storyteller, to me, is possibly the best way to use first person unless you're really a professional writer.

Do the first two paragraphs work as sort of an intro?

In short, yes to one. I like the first paragraph particularly, as it sets a scene in my mind of just what I percieve horror to be, which is what I assume you wanted to achieve. The language that you use here appeals to me as it's a lot more mature than some and if there's one thing I hate it's childishly written stories, unless that's the point.
But, and this is a teeny but, the second paragraph, to me is in this childish category. I will fully accept that as a writer it's diffucult to maintain a level of really complicated writing when you want to get your ideas written down.
For me, a re-write of this paragraph into something more into the style of the latter parts of the story would really make a lot more readers read through.

Are the elements of horror clear enough and do they intersect well?

Despite what you say at the beginning of the story, the horror to me just wasn't all that bad as you make out. I'm all for guts plastered to the wall and brains splattered over the faces of passers-by in the horror stakes, so if you say that it's brutal, I want descriptions of the way in which the woman scrawled symbols from times forgotten in the sticky, drying blood of her own children. On that note too, the story of the occupants previous to the Maxwells is a little confusing, as I had to re-read to get that it was not, in fact, the Maxwells themselves.
I like the fact that Dante really considers what he is about to do before he murders his family, but I'd like to see more detail, again as it just doesn't horrify me enough.

What works, what doesn't?

What do you like, what do you not like?

The main voice of your piece works really well and it's pretty consistent throughout, though there are a few slip-ups that, if addressed, would make the voice almost perfect. These are mainly uses of more colloqualised language when the main voice is quite a standardised one.
Example: "The Maxwell family was well off and could easily afford this neighborhood." would sound a lot better as 'The Maxwell family were financially sound, they easily afforded to buy into this neighbourhood.' or similar, as the phrase "well off" really puts me off the whole paragraph and sounds sloppy, especially when you go on to use a more standard word such as "privilidged" in the same paragraph.
I know too well the horrors of trying to find alternative words so that you don't go about reapeating yourself too much and bore a reader, but the solution is to read over, and change later. Try keeping a Theasaurus to hand and consulting it on the occasional word, but by no means every time, or you'll sound pretentious.

Overall I'd say that it is a pretty good piece and a good exercise for flexing your horror muscle a little but on the whole, it's also pretty bland.
I dare say there are very few things that would shock the readers on this site, so maybe there's another level that you need to go to to scare them a little more. I know you need to for me.
The plotline doesn't help show off the quality of your writing either, as it's been done to death over the years, and as soon as I read the intro, I had a hard time not visualising The Amityville Horror and reading into your work instead. I know a familiar plot-line is always a good starter if you're not too sure of what to do, but I think that you have potential enough to write something a lot more original than you have here.

On the last note, just a reminder that the apostrophe ( ' ) is used to show posession after a name, so Maxwell's should be Maxwells throughout. Just a bugbear of mine, and many many people use the apostrophe incorrectly.

 

[Black Tulip]

First off, I like horror stories if they are not of the blood and gore variety.
So, this one is up my alley. LOL

I found it a nice read, but I never got really scared.
Not sure, but I think you could have made the narrator more scary.
Make it/him a tiny bit menacing?
Maybe gloating over the murders, perhaps angry that the house no longer exists?

The telling was fine by me, after I realised this story was going to be "detached".
Probably because it was such a dispassionate voice, I missed a certain kick at the end. No surprises, no finale.

I have only two serious points:

• The dear reader was starting to annoy me, I would cut back on that.

• The second paragraph was confusing to me.
  
  

  I've kept well informed of the occupants of the house since I moved out those many years ago, and it has been intriguing if nothing else.

  Does this mean you got reports? Or do you mean to say you (the voice) has been keeping track of the house? Wording this more specific could add to the suspense.
  
  

  So if you have the time and inclination, dear reader, I've a story to tell. It is not pleasant and does not end well, so do not hold out that hope. No, this tale is about a tragedy in the truest sense of the word. So sit back and relax, if you can, dear reader, and I will tell you of the Maxwell's doom.

  If we are talking evil spirit/something here the word tragedy is out of character in my opinion.

All in all, I liked the story and as a reader I only had a minor thing about the dear reader.

 

[Black Tulip]

Hi NanashiKuro,

And no, I do not have an obsession with purple.

Neither do I.

 

[mjl2010]

I'm wondering about a few things. I have been experimenting with different writing styles and in this one was also playing with the different elements of horror stories. So...

The story is told to you by someone. Does the style work? (Is the 'Dear Reader' stuff annoying - as it was to one reader?)

I did not find the use of "dear reader" annoying or overused. I have seen that style before and enjoyed it as well. I believe in his short stories, that Alfred Hitchcock sometimes used that device. As long as you don't overdo it, it works.

Do the first two paragraphs work as sort of an intro?

I thought the first paragraph a good introduction. The transition to the next paragraph was jarring to me. Not that being jarring in a horror story is a bad thing, but this was outside of horror.

Are the elements of horror clear enough and do they intersect well?

They are certainly clear enough. I don't know that they were all that horrifying. This tale sort of reminds me of a book of short horror stories I read a long time ago written by the master of horror himself, Alfred Hitchcock. I no longer have the book but each tale had an almost surprise ending. Your story had no suspense or buildup. You knew what was going to happen to the Maxwells. The horror was the ending.

What works, what doesn't?

The true horror of this story is the dispassionate voice of the narrator. When you get to the end and find out it is the original owner himself who is telling the story and realize it was he who made the house evil and caused all the sorrow, misery and death within, that is the horror here. You could have done this one better by leaving out the first sentence of the second paragraph, "I've kept well informed of the occupants of the house since I moved out those many years ago, and it has been intriguing if nothing else." It may have been that I read this before or perhaps I am right, but when I read that sentence, the surprise at the end was lessened, and therefore, the horror of it. This story did seem familiar to me.

What do you like, what do you not like?

I enjoyed the dispassionate voice of the narrator telling a tale of horror and then the surprise at the end as to who the narrator was. That first sentence of the second paragraph as noted above detracts slightly from that. The more I think about it, the more I am sure I read this before. I'll have to go look at the submission date. Looked and yes, I think I did read this last spring.

And anything else you might have to say would be most welcome.

Thanks for taking the time to look this one over.

Thanks for getting me to reread a story I enjoyed the first time and was enjoyable the reading the second time.

MJL

 

[jomar]

Given the breadth of the narrator's knowledge and the taunting at the end, I thought he had to be the supernatural source of the evil, either satan or the house itself. I really liked the latter possibility,

I hadn't thought of that, too bad I tore it down.

Originally, I thought the opening was far too telly- but then I realized the entire story is telly and assumed this was your plan. I'm not sure what the opening adds that isn't unvieled later anyway. To me, that's the real issue.

It was meant to be telly. The opening was supposed to serve as an intro - sort of to frame things a bit, but I'm not sure it worked.

Thanks, Penny.

 

[jomar]

Hi


The biggest problem I had was I never felt like I was drawn into the story. With this type of tale you usually have the narrator lay the backdrop in the first couple of panels and then you get sucked into the story at ground level through the protagonists eyes.

This didn't happen for me. It felt more like I was reading a long introduction rather than a story. It was sort of like the tale somebody would tell to establish mood in another story (like teens around a campfire before the serial killer starts bumping them off)
rather than a story in it's own right.

That might have been what you were aiming for though.

It certainly could have been a different story that way. I could have moved from the narrator's/killer's perspective to the Maxwell's perspective and gotten a lot more detailed, used dialog, etc. But I was trying to stay with the former.

I liked the house and you described it. I didn't really feel any horror though because I felt too detached from the family.

Yeah. It was pretty clinical. I need to figure out a way to help the reader feel the family more and still keep the style.

As a minor niggle why did you choose the name Dante for the man? It jarred a little with me because it seems like one of those overblown names that gets tagged onto larger than life vampire or paranormal types (i'm thinking of the main character in the devil may cry computer games).

It might be because it's not a common name from where I come from (England) in which case I'm moaning about something completely irrelevant and just ignore me

It's more common here, or used to be. I probably should have thought it through more.

Personally i liked the setup with the house, but I think I needed to be drawn into the picture at some point rather than just being shown it.

That's my stumbling block - having the story narrated and still drawing the reader in more.

thanks for sharing anyway
Many-Eyed Hydra

Thank you so much for your time.

 

[jomar]

First off, I aught to state apologies for any points that I have made that are duplicates, as when Critting, I don't read other people's comments before I read the story, so as not to influence my views. Also I'd like to show appreciation to anyone that takes the time to write and the graciousness to let us all read their work, and to all those who take the time to read and give constructive advice.
Well, here goes, take a bite of my first ever crit on Literotica.

Hi NanashiKuro, nice to meet you. Thanks for reading and posting.

To me, the 'Dear Reader' works well, but I feel that it would work much better if you cut out a few of them. I like the effect that to me, it gives a good character to the Narrator in perhaps a style of a black and white horror film, I'm tempted to think along the lines of Hammer Horror, but with the best intentions.

It's the kind of phase that can easily cross the line. I hadn't heard of Hammer Horror and googled it -

I am a fan of the first person telling of a story, but only if it is done well. In your case I'd say that you have grasped how it should be done. You've not used "I did this" "I did that" all of the time, as that would not work for the style of the story. Recounting events in the style of a storyteller, to me, is possibly the best way to use first person unless you're really a professional writer.

The grasp is tenuous.

In short, yes to one. I like the first paragraph particularly, as it sets a scene in my mind of just what I percieve horror to be, which is what I assume you wanted to achieve.

Yes, thank you.

The language that you use here appeals to me as it's a lot more mature than some and if there's one thing I hate it's childishly written stories, unless that's the point.

Again, thanks.

But, and this is a teeny but, the second paragraph, to me is in this childish category. I will fully accept that as a writer it's diffucult to maintain a level of really complicated writing when you want to get your ideas written down.
For me, a re-write of this paragraph into something more into the style of the latter parts of the story would really make a lot more readers read through.

Fair enough. I'll have to reread parts and think on it.

Despite what you say at the beginning of the story, the horror to me just wasn't all that bad as you make out. I'm all for guts plastered to the wall and brains splattered over the faces of passers-by in the horror stakes, so if you say that it's brutal, I want descriptions of the way in which the woman scrawled symbols from times forgotten in the sticky, drying blood of her own children.

I may have set expectations too high with the intro, or at least didn't live up to the hype. As I'm reading the comments and thinking about detail, it seems I could keep the style and do so without shifting points of view.

On that note too, the story of the occupants previous to the Maxwells is a little confusing, as I had to re-read to get that it was not, in fact, the Maxwells themselves.

I'll see how it could be clearer.

I like the fact that Dante really considers what he is about to do before he murders his family, but I'd like to see more detail, again as it just doesn't horrify me enough.

The original story was rejected as being to graphic or something. The only thing I changed was the sentence where the sword slices the wife's head off. I think the original said something about the blade severing her neck and a mention of blood spurting. I'd probably have to go for mood over graphic - I'm not sure about Lit's limit here. But I do get what you mean by more detail.

The main voice of your piece works really well and it's pretty consistent throughout, though there are a few slip-ups that, if addressed, would make the voice almost perfect. These are mainly uses of more colloqualised language when the main voice is quite a standardised one.
Example: "The Maxwell family was well off and could easily afford this neighborhood." would sound a lot better as 'The Maxwell family were financially sound, they easily afforded to buy into this neighbourhood.' or similar, as the phrase "well off" really puts me off the whole paragraph and sounds sloppy, especially when you go on to use a more standard word such as "privilidged" in the same paragraph.

Looks like i missed the mark some here. I wanted the narrator to come across superior and somewhat haughty.

I know too well the horrors of trying to find alternative words so that you don't go about reapeating yourself too much and bore a reader, but the solution is to read over, and change later. Try keeping a Theasaurus to hand and consulting it on the occasional word, but by no means every time, or you'll sound pretentious.

Do I always have to think about every single word?

Overall I'd say that it is a pretty good piece and a good exercise for flexing your horror muscle a little but on the whole, it's also pretty bland.
I dare say there are very few things that would shock the readers on this site, so maybe there's another level that you need to go to to scare them a little more. I know you need to for me.

Yeah, there's plenty of horrific stuff in the story, I just need to get it out from behind the glass wall and get it up close and personal.

The plotline doesn't help show off the quality of your writing either, as it's been done to death over the years, and as soon as I read the intro, I had a hard time not visualising The Amityville Horror and reading into your work instead. I know a familiar plot-line is always a good starter if you're not too sure of what to do, but I think that you have potential enough to write something a lot more original than you have here.

I tried to mix up several different elements here, but the house probably loomed too large.

On the last note, just a reminder that the apostrophe ( ' ) is used to show posession after a name, so Maxwell's should be Maxwells throughout. Just a bugbear of mine, and many many people use the apostrophe incorrectly.

I know. That one got by me.

Thanks so much for your input, NanashiKuro!

 

[jomar]

Hi Black Tulip, thanks for weighing in.

I found it a nice read, but I never got really scared.
Not sure, but I think you could have made the narrator more scary.
Make it/him a tiny bit menacing?
Maybe gloating over the murders, perhaps angry that the house no longer exists?

Others have mentioned the detachment and basic lack of tension as well.

The telling was fine by me, after I realised this story was going to be "detached".

Cool.

Probably because it was such a dispassionate voice, I missed a certain kick at the end. No surprises, no finale.

I was hoping the narrator being the serial killer who put the bones in the walls was a kick, but not big enough, eh?

• The dear reader was starting to annoy me, I would cut back on that.

See above.

• The second paragraph was confusing to me.
  
  
  Does this mean you got reports? Or do you mean to say you (the voice) has been keeping track of the house? Wording this more specific could add to the suspense.
  
  
  If we are talking evil spirit/something here the word tragedy is out of character in my opinion.

The second paragraph needs reworking. As far as 'tragedy' I think I understand what you mean. The downfall was partly due to the 'spirits' or whatever was in the house preying on the psychological weakness of Dante and Catherine until they crack. It's not the tragedy as in the downfall of someone through character flaw or conflict with society type, but the dreadful or fatal event type.

All in all, I liked the story and as a reader I only had a minor thing about the dear reader.

Thanks so much for your time and comments Black Tulip!

 

[LoquaciousLady]

This is my first time out but I couldn't have asked for a better story to critique.

The narration style is very retro. It puts me in mind of the old Vincent Price or Alfred Hitchcock Presents type shows. It established, for me, a mood of slightly-creepy camp. In my mind, as I read I saw the story unfold in black and white if that makes sense. The 'dear reader' interjections weren't so much off-putting to me as campy intrusions designed to mitigate the atmosphere of sadness and dread.

For the storytelling style you seem to be going with the first two paragraphs work very well. Again they hearken back to the old "horror" shows on television. I can almost see Hitchcock's profile narrating the first paragraph and then a dissolve to black and change of narrative voice for the second. As such, have you considered the possibility of eliminating the 'dear reader' element from the first paragraph only?

The thing that strikes me most on the "doesn't work" front is that after being off to an excellent start you continue "telling" rather than "showing" what happened. This story, to me, has a strong visual element that you seemed to lose once you got into the main narration of events. Around paragraph 11 or 12, maybe you would consider moving your "voice" to a less passive narration and into a more active "throw you into the scene" style. Then move back out to the narration style again when the police find Dante.

On another note, I noticed several times that you used "the Maxwell's" when "the Maxwells" would be the appropriate use. For instance "Two months after the Maxwell's moved in Catherine began having panic attacks."

I did enjoy reading this a great deal. While the tale is, as mentioned before, more tragic than terrifying it still managed to elicit a level of horror in me. It was very well written and seemed to have a very specific focus in style.

 

[jomar]

I did not find the use of "dear reader" annoying or overused. I have seen that style before and enjoyed it as well. I believe in his short stories, that Alfred Hitchcock sometimes used that device. As long as you don't overdo it, it works.

A ceiling-floor thing to some extent.

I thought the first paragraph a good introduction. The transition to the next paragraph was jarring to me. Not that being jarring in a horror story is a bad thing, but this was outside of horror.

The second para has the most issues.

They are certainly clear enough. I don't know that they were all that horrifying. This tale sort of reminds me of a book of short horror stories I read a long time ago written by the master of horror himself, Alfred Hitchcock. I no longer have the book but each tale had an almost surprise ending. Your story had no suspense or buildup. You knew what was going to happen to the Maxwells. The horror was the ending.

It seems like I had such a book as a child, or something similar.

The true horror of this story is the dispassionate voice of the narrator. When you get to the end and find out it is the original owner himself who is telling the story and realize it was he who made the house evil and caused all the sorrow, misery and death within, that is the horror here. You could have done this one better by leaving out the first sentence of the second paragraph, "I've kept well informed of the occupants of the house since I moved out those many years ago, and it has been intriguing if nothing else." It may have been that I read this before or perhaps I am right, but when I read that sentence, the surprise at the end was lessened, and therefore, the horror of it. This story did seem familiar to me.

I see what you mean. It steers you instead of letting the reader wonder who/what is telling the story.

I enjoyed the dispassionate voice of the narrator telling a tale of horror and then the surprise at the end as to who the narrator was.

Thank you.

The more I think about it, the more I am sure I read this before. I'll have to go look at the submission date. Looked and yes, I think I did read this last spring.

Thanks for getting me to reread a story I enjoyed the first time and was enjoyable the reading the second time.

MJL

Thank you for both reads - I'm glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for your helpful comments, MJL.

 

[jomar]

This is my first time out but I couldn't have asked for a better story to critique.

Hi LL, nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by.

The narration style is very retro. It puts me in mind of the old Vincent Price or Alfred Hitchcock Presents type shows. It established, for me, a mood of slightly-creepy camp. In my mind, as I read I saw the story unfold in black and white if that makes sense.

It does.

The 'dear reader' interjections weren't so much off-putting to me as campy intrusions designed to mitigate the atmosphere of sadness and dread.

If I knew what I was doing I'd have said that.

For the storytelling style you seem to be going with the first two paragraphs work very well. Again they hearken back to the old "horror" shows on television. I can almost see Hitchcock's profile narrating the first paragraph and then a dissolve to black and change of narrative voice for the second. As such, have you considered the possibility of eliminating the 'dear reader' element from the first paragraph only?

The thing that strikes me most on the "doesn't work" front is that after being off to an excellent start you continue "telling" rather than "showing" what happened. This story, to me, has a strong visual element that you seemed to lose once you got into the main narration of events. Around paragraph 11 or 12, maybe you would consider moving your "voice" to a less passive narration and into a more active "throw you into the scene" style. Then move back out to the narration style again when the police find Dante.

The experiment was to do the the story in the narrative voice. It though it would probably be a stronger, though different story to change perspective. It would be another good exercise to do it the way you suggest.

On another note, I noticed several times that you used "the Maxwell's" when "the Maxwells" would be the appropriate use. For instance "Two months after the Maxwell's moved in Catherine began having panic attacks."

Guilty as charged. It slipped by my worthless editor.

I did enjoy reading this a great deal. While the tale is, as mentioned before, more tragic than terrifying it still managed to elicit a level of horror in me. It was very well written and seemed to have a very specific focus in style.

Good! Thank you for your time and suggestions, LL

 

[Penelope Street]

Just wanted to say thank you again to Jomar for sharing his story. If I'd just read this story and Chase Cooder I never would have guessed the same person wrote both.

Thanks also to everyone who shared their thoughts. It was great to see several new faces join a discussion.

 

[jomar]

Just wanted to say thank you again to Jomar for sharing his story.

It was my pleasure. Thank you!

If I'd just read this story and Chase Cooder I never would have guessed the same person wrote both.

I've been trying different stuff. If you want a bit of a shock to the system, have a quick look at my White Trash Ch. 1 series, which is also written in a different style. It's been pretty well received, despite being profane and tasteless, so it appeals to a certain audience. Chapters 2 and 4 are the highest rated of them.

My TMA: Chase - Winter, 1877 is a quick read and also different, I think.

Thanks also to everyone who shared their thoughts. It was great to see several new faces join a discussion.

Yes! Thank you all for your time and effort. There may be one more critique coming in, but that shouldn't prevent the next discussion from beginning. Again, thank you all.

 

[arturobraganza]

Nice story then, lots of people would love to read this